It doesn't feel like it now but I promise you, you will come out the other side....these monsters are all the same and feel nothing for our pain, only their own and will stop at nothing to blame us for their behaviour.
Nothing you could ever do would have changed the outcome, they're looking for someone to completely be there for them and give very little in return, life and love doesn't work that way, everyone has needs and the minute we express them, they're on to the next subject. They're basically cowards who can not grow up and maintain an adult relationship with ANYONE!!!
They repeat the same behaviour over and over because of their lack of conscience - it's easy for them, they justify their behaviour and absolve themselves of any wrongdoing. They leave a trail of broken hearts all over the place but ultimately, they will end up alone and lose right down the line. Imagine not being able to give or receive love? Imagine never feeling love for anyone? How awful. Please hang in there, there is light at the end for you and eventually with nc, you will feel indifferent to him...it's a long hard road, but feel your pain and deal with it, you're away from him now and you've given yourself the best gift you ever could...xx
that pain is the deepest widest pain there is. i know we have been there in fact im there right now. dint turn the anger on yourself get it out!! why not go over to my new post called what do you call yourself.
and write him a newsflash say it all every vile name you want to call him.
then lets start that thread moving poems to the Narc.
ill start u off ; goodbye slimesucking, selffucking piece of empty space!
Now you go on with this Venus
I does feel like your going to die but I try to remember what Betty told me "you wont die from emotional pain"
You can rip that band aid off now or you can rip it off slowly and excruiatingly either way its coming off.
Take it from someone who chose option 2. Oh how I wish I would have done option 1
You guys are awesome. It helps to feel like I'm not invisible with this. I've been here before with these feelings but they're so hard core and so intense that I get a little overwhelmed. A lot overwhelmed.
Just remember every time you heal a bit and then go back the trauma bond deepens. I don't mean to lecture trust me I haven't taken my own advice at times. You see there is a huge difference between knowing what you need to do and doing what you need to do. I just know I gotta get out of the psychological prison I'm in so I keep reading and I keep trying I have to free myself from this addiction once and for all I can't afford to have him show up again in five years. I just can't go thru it again I won't survive.
Yeah, I can understand that. And you're right. What was happening between exN and I was the dissonance. I'd agree to see him (also, on his insistence, I'd have agreed to "let go of the past" & would be working hard to do that, despite knowing inside that it wasn't ok) and within a couple days usually, I'd be upset and unsure of why, positive he'd done something to provoke me too but unable to identify the exact trigger. I'd withdraw, he'd become upset at me for being unwilling to see him, I'd get called crazy/tripper/gloom & doom/nag/obsessive etc. I'd feel upset at that for a while, remain firm in not wanting to see him, then I'd start getting hoovering texts. Anything from telling me what great movie was on and how it made him think of me, to half-assed apologies admitting that he should be less selfish. I'd weaken, deciding hanging out for one day was harmless, then back aboard the rollercoaster. We did this for over 2 months...after over 6 mos of me refusing to see him at all. So yes, I see the danger in the nature of the trauma bond just by looking at how the cycle went for me. And how it felt.
I'm done though. It feels completely different this time. I don't know how to explain it, but it's very different. Before when I went NC, I didn't want to see him but I still romanticized him, thought about him, I know I still hoped he'd get it together and we'd figure out something by way of what I hoped would be some kind of middle ground. I was still self-blaming. Still deluded, lying to myself. That's done. I see everything crystal clearly, unlike before, I have ZERO doubt of the presence of this disorder and am completely aware of how serious it's affect on me is and has been. During the rollercoaster weeks, I was becoming SICK, emotionally, mentally and physically. I felt like I was losing myself. Something in me was fighting that though, refusing to allow it. And here I am. Still feeling sick, still upset. But ready to really do this now. Vowing to not look back, determined to get better. There's no other way.
You sound very strong. I am not nor was I ever strong enough to tell him I didn't want to see him. You are already starting from a strong place so you will recover from this in no time. I have been so far down the hole since this has spanned 20 years that I'm gonna be a while climbing out I am a terrible addict. To think you could be nc for 15 years and in one years time get this low is unbelieveable
...but I'm trying like hell. =/ Adopting that mindset helps me try to get there at least, where I want to be. Where is your story, Sick of It? Which page? I tried to find it, there's someone called Sick and Tired of It but I'm not sure if that's you.
I haven't posted it for a couple of reasons first I'm married I don't want risk putting that on the net for anyone to read second there is an element or two that I just can't write it hurts my heart too much. If you friend me on the new site I will be happy to share it with you in a private message.
A lot of people know the general story thru my posts. Please feel free to friend me on the new site the first 30 days is free. I hope that in some way I have helped even if I wasn't always able to help myself
...it was hard to write mine too. I'm fairly sure exN has a keylogger or something on my computer, he always seemed to know things that he never could have otherwise. Therefore, I'm pretty sure he's seen this site, probably has my passwords. There's a new member on this forum who has my real name, with an "s" at the end, I'm really hoping that's another person looking for recovery tools and not him. It's a little unnerving, wondering. I'm already anxious and feeling vulnerable enough without thinking about where, how he could be invading my privacy & for how long without my knowing. My gut tells me that he has from day one.
I caught him with my phone in his hands once, after returning from walking my dogs sooner than I think he'd expected one day. There he was, my phone in one hand, a Micro SD card in the other, looking like he'd been trying to pull info off of it or something. I asked him what he was doing, he told me he was just looking to see if his card fit my phone, because if so he was going to get me one so I could store more pictures. BS!! BS radar said; wrong, wrong, lie, lie!! He was pretty tight with money, no way would he buy something like that for no reason, having never been mentioned by me as something I'd wanted. I don't know exactly how SpyWare works for phones or if it could be loaded onto the kind I have but I know it's possible. At the least he'd probably extracted my photos. Whatever, I try not to let that weird me out too much. If I were married to him though, I'd probably be cautious, wary like you. You know you're dealing with a predator, that he's capable of being a real threat. I'll check out the other site.
I'm sure you're a lot more strong than you're giving yourself credit for. You're here, looking to help yourself. That says a lot about you. Please hang in there, the stronger you become, the more clear your sight and your path will too. You aren't at all alone. I believe in you.
Oh no sweets. Im not married to him. Thank God I didnt marry him but almost we were together several years in our twenties and actually we were acquaintances in high school Thank God fate was in my favor and I did not marry him. I went on to marry a great guy and we have been married 14 years. The N resurfaced when I got on facebook and found him we have mutual friends and thats when it all started. He played on my vulnerabilities as there are some very personal issues between he and I and he moved in for the kill. He's been back in my life 15 months and 5 of those he has given me the silent treatment.
Explain to me the keylogger thing? he cant access your computer remotely right?
Ah...okay. I must've missed that somehow, I'm sorry. It makes me sick, the emotional manipulation thing. It's such a violation, so very personal, I wish I'd never ever ever met my ex. I'm sorry you're going through this. The silent treatment, how nice huh. So mature. I got that in a really twisted way. I know, it sucks =(
Keyloggers can be installed within minutes if someone has access to your computer, then accessed remotely, yes. And back when I was treating him as a trusted one, he did have access. While in my apartment, at times while I'd run and get us food or take my dogs outside, take a shower. He had plenty of chances to install something, anyone who's able to use a basic word processing program can do so I guess. Keyloggers track keystrokes, obtaining passwords and e-mail content that way. Some can also take screen shots, giving the person a clear view of exactly what you're looking at online. Pretty freaking creepy. I put a little piece of black tape over my webcam lol I know how paranoid it sounds but man....I have a gut feeling that he's a snooper. He always claimed to be the type who wasn't, wouldn't look through someone's drawers or read a journal, but I feel like I know otherwise. Very strong vibe. Confirmed a couple times by things he'd say too. Things that he shouldn't know, too coincidental. Right now though, I don't care. Let him read my e-mail. He'll never be any closer to me again.
oh they are snoopers alright. They act like they arent. They dont overtly snoop in ways that you would know. Why of course not that would let you know they cared and they cant have that. No they do it in very covert ways. I remember I got 2 dozen roses at work one day. When I went to pick them up at reception the card had been opened. When I said something to the receptionist she said honey that card was not open when it was delivered. She said she left her desk for a few moments. Well guess whose office was right around the corner from reception. That little stunt was either him or the girl he was messing around with. It couldnt have been anyone else. Thats the kind of snooping they do. He thought I would just assume the receptionist openened it but he really didnt care he just wanted to know who sent them and his mission was accomplished he could careless what I thought about it.
The thing that scares the shit out of me is mine is a former corporate it guy and Im afraid that there is some way he could have hacked into my computer remotely. I dont think he cares enough to do so but it still gives me the creeps.
Just remember every time you heal a bit and then go back the trauma bond deepens. I don't mean to lecture trust me I haven't taken my own advice at times. You see there is a huge difference between knowing what you need to do and doing what you need to do. I just know I gotta get out of the psychological prison I'm in so I keep reading and I keep trying I have to free myself from this addiction once and for all I can't afford to have him show up again in five years. I just can't go thru it again I won't survive.
I can breathe again. That fuckball is getting no more of my energy. No more depletion. He's a miserable excuse for a man. Sending me texts telling me I can talk to him this weekend, face to face or never again. Then another telling me I'm not worth it, my behavior is disgusting and he has nothing to say. Nothing to say (twice for narcmatic effect!) and I made sure of that.
Whatever, yeah now you have something to say. Now that you can sense (psycho) that I'm seriously done and won't be back, you say things you wouldn't while still trying to pretend to be human so you could use me.
I didn't need to come this far for this to really fully hit me. I can't believe I did. And how certain I am that there is no turning back. You guys are stuck with me for a little while. I hope it's cool =/
I'm searching for something to help me feel better. I'm freaking out and I can't come down from it. I can't believe someone could have so much hatred and evil inside. I feel sick.
Venus
that pain is the deepest
Oh bless your heart
You guys are awesome. It
Just remember every time you
The Sick Bond
You sound very strong. I am
I don't know how strong I am
I haven't posted it for a
I understand,
Oh no sweets. Im not married
Got It
oh they are snoopers
Just remember every time you
Okay, that sucked
I'm searching for something
I got the D&D text.