Have been sorting & packing...miss you guys...very emotional
Have been sorting & packing...miss you guys...very emotional
Hi gals! I've soooooooooooo missed you. I miss reading & posting...but I'm running up against a clock...1 week till my butt & all my belongings need to be out of this apt.
: )
My narc recovery is moving along, thanks to some recent posts ya'll gave me about a week ago that I keep re-reading, plus I've been seeing my therapist 2x/week (it's sliding scale, $30 an hour!). I normally see him once a week, but the move has kicked up A LOT of emotions and I need the extra support these last few weeks in this snowy city.
In therapy I brought up, yet again (I know...ya'll already coached me out of this silly thinking at least 3 or 4 times...), how I wish I had been 'stronger' in the most recent narc relationship. And talking it through, it became clear that of course, he wouldn't have changed. The only thing that would've changed would've been that I would've left in the beginning, that's all.
Like in the beginning of the relationship, N shared about the tension between him & his teenage daughter. I offered some reflection on it, with a spiritual take on the situation. At the end of that call or the next day, N said to me, 'When you're talking about your own life, having your spiritual perspective is fine. But please don't use it when talking about my life. (and then he said something kind of demeaning about it...can't remember the exact words)"
My therapist said to me, "He was telling you he didn't like the way you think. That's an opportunity when you could have told him, 'This isn't going to work out.' You don't want someone who doesn't like how you think. You deserve someone who values how you think."
My therapist didn't say it to put me down. It was one of several examples that he has pointed out to me...when I could have been the choosy one. When I wasn't being valued, honored or respected, and could have gotten out of the relationship, to avoid a lot of pain. When I should have loved myself enough to know I deserved A LOT better.
In every one of those moments (there were maybe a hundred of them in 6 months!), instead of me thinking, 'Hmmm...did I like that? That didn't feel right/okay/appropriate/respectful...' I thought instead, 'What did I say/do to elicit that response from him? I must've upset him. I need to apologize tomorrow about that. I wish I didn't make him angry.'
And of course that's my programming from my BPD mom. She trained me to feel shame at all times.
My life has been shame-driven until now.
No more. New slate. I will doggedly pursue recovery to disintegrate that 'shame core' (as I've seen it referred to on some psychotherapy sites). I'm trusting that if I come here, keep going to therapy, go to a support group, keep reading, maintain NO CONTACT with my BPD mom (which isn't easy; NC with ex-N is much easier than NC with BPD mom.)...the healing will happen and those deep wounds from a PD'd parent will turn into gentle scars.
THEN I'll be ready to pursue dating. Only then.
For now, I just want to heal. Being this anxious & depressed & obsessed is intolerable. I can't stay this way. I have to shift. In a big way. My mental & physical health depend on it. I'm realizing this move to the SF Bay Area is really going to be key in helping me to do that. This big city doesn't feel healing to me anymore.
BTW, my therapist calls ex-N 'a jerk,' 'an a*****e' & 'a creepy guy.' I like my therapist. And, he's totally cool with phone sessions after I move, so I don't have to start from scratch with a new therapist when I'm making narc-recovery progress AND in the middle of a cross-country move.
That really put me at ease. Right now, I can't imagine having a week without a therapy session.
Today in therapy all roads led to Rome...or my BPD mom. It was really disturbing. I always knew how she affected me, but now I REALLY see it... Now I see why I interact the same way with everyone...from that shame core. It's why I apologize all the time...it's why I always think EVERYONE is angry/disappointed with me...why I'm so anxious I can't stop picking my nails & cuticles...why I choose men who abuse/dismiss me. Why I worry ALL THE TIME. Today after the session I got very depressed...all the BPD mom stuff was too much raw stuff for one session. Had several curl-up-in-bed-crying moments.
Once I move, I'll have more time to 'see' all of you on the new site! Can't wait.
I fly out on Sunday the 16th. Arrive at SFO 2:30PT.
: )
I love you guys! In a little over a week I'll have time to be online and reconnect. Thanks for your patience as I get ready to move.
Lotsa love & hugs,
Leah
YAY FOR Leah
Awww, thanks cherryblossom!
Leah, Congrats on the move.
only one way to go...Forward (tm?)
Betty, your words brought me to tears
Welcome to the Bay Area!
Thanks for the warm welcome, Susan!
You are one of the
Idealk, you got me to giggle out loud!
Leah, I'm proud of you...
spinning
Awww, spinning, thanks for
Leah
Leah
Leah
Awwww, thanks blueeyes!
You know how you get faith
Awww Briseis, you got me misty-eyed...
Yes Briseis!
Blueeyes, thanks
Thanks everyone, it's great to feel connected to you all
Leah
Thanks Idealk
I know you are going to do
Hi Briseis, thanks so much
Hi Leah
Hi Scotchy
Leah
Onwithmylife, sorry I've been out of touch
Leah
When are you moving - OWML?
Leah - Your Therapist Sounds Cool