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FOR AVA!!!!!

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#1 Jan 4 - 7AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

FOR AVA!!!!!

i wanted to make sure you saw my response to you, because you responded to what I said in the posting by Deidre about any by products from the relationship. It sounds like we were with similar men, both left us to move to other states , we both felt so utterly alone and lonely, and we both broke no contact and each time say more clearly who they are. Ava, I sent him a card when I found out he had the two cancers and got a reply back yesterday, the diseases must be hitting him hard this time. I told him in the card i was planning a move to his state and I am, so in his letter he says everything negative he can about the state, to stop me from coming there and that I will never make it there, there are very few jobs, what else is new, i will not like the weather, bad traffic, anything he can think of to be negative. NOTHING positive, like i wish you the best,etc., then he goes on, as always, to accuse me of soliciting on the internet when we were together and being a "cougar" on the world wide web" to use his language.so funny, I want a man of my generation, not my son's age! and then asking me not to contact him anymore, 3 times, so my final curtain call is a postcard I sent out today, saying "Could you be WRONG about me????? I am planning a move to that state and I WILL make it, I love the people and lifestyle. When you leave this earth remember, you devalued and discard a woman who truly loved you, when you could not love yourself. all my best and signed off. There it ENDS...............and AVA, I feel sad but GOOD...............

Jan 5 - 7PM
Ava
Ava's picture

Onwithmylife!! Sorry for slow response!! :)

My it really does sound like we were with such similar men. And that we had such similar experience with them & reaction to it. Wow you're really getting the contrary crap from your ex - him desperately wanting to think you are so concerned & caring about his illness & then him trying to convince you not to move. Who the hell does he think he is? Idiot. Of course you'll make it in the new state. And I'd put money on the fact he knows that and he CAN'T stand it. He wants to be able to believe that you & your life is falling apart without him. He can't stand to imagine that you aren't and that you would be happy & successful - and if you're doing it in his state then maybe he'll have to know about it, hear about it or even see it. If you're far away, he can keep pretending. And all that ridiculous stuff about you soliciting HIM? And being a cougar? Ah that's all so pathetic - again, him just trying to convince himself of this crap because he can't face the fact that he's the loser [AND that you know it, you've realised what he is] & you're doing great. Congratulations on sending that last postcard! I'm SO glad to hear that although you feel sad you also feel good. That is great! And it must have felt so good to post that? It was so well worded, so straight & to the point. And so strong & secure. Congratulations! :) I tried something similar with mine, about 5 months after the D&D, when I was FINALLY really starting to realise what he is. I can't remember exactly what I wrote but it was along the lines of me telling him that he although he spent his life looking for unconditional acceptance & admiration, he had discarded all the people who had ever genuinely cared for him & that I had always truly loved him as the person he was underneath all the fakeness & would've always done so. He initially dismissed it, just writing back that he didn't believe me, but then I think it slowly sunk it because he called me one night [while very drunk], sobbing about how he'd destroyed everything with his family & his old friends & he felt very alone. I think they do have moments of clarity - sometime yes it's just another sympathy act but sometimes I think they really do realise [they block it out again pretty quickly though!] I am just SO happy that you wrote your ex that card. It is great to write it to him but it is so wonderful that you wrote it for yourself too!! So when are you planning the move? Must be great to be thinking about having a fresh start with new lifestyle & experiences! Yay!! :) Ava xxxoo

Ava

Jan 5 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

FOR AVA

thanks for getting back to me. You gave me a whole new spin on his negativity about my moving to his state, I was kinda wondering why he was so totally down on it all and not one word of kindness or good luck or anything positive, you may be on to something, he is scared I will be at his backdoor and may have a great time, while he wallows in his illness of cancers and misery, why else would he be so negative, your insight is good! He probably thinks I will coming running to his house with a bouquet in hand, in HIS dreams, the *hole.I am very glad I sent the last postcard and it is the last, he will never hear from me again and i will do my best to prove him WRONG for a change because in his twisted, sick mind, he is always right, my ass! I move towards the end of Feb. and though i know it will be lonely will try to do different things that I enjoy as a way to meet new people. I agree with what you said about the few moments of claity in their distorted brains but it never really sinks in, just a flash............
Jan 7 - 6AM (Reply to #3)
Ava
Ava's picture

onwithmylife xx

Oh yeh, the more I've thought about it I really do think that's a big part, if not most, of why he's being negative & trying to make you feel negative. He wants you to doubt yourself, he wants you to be weak & worried - because that makes him feel better about himself & because then you're easier for him to manipulate & be affected by. If you're strong & secure and moving forward then he's lost control of you & he's not getting to you anymore. Scary, scary concept for most narcs - they HATE to think that they can't affect us anymore & that we've broken free. So I'd say its a double attempt - he'd probably be negative & try to bring you down, make you doubt yourself, about ANY plans you had that looked like you were moving forward but he doubly wants to make you doubt yourself re. being in his state because as we said, then he may have to hear about how well you're doing! I have absolutely NO doubt that you will prove him wrong. Over & over again. I'm very glad you sent that last postcard too - I'd say it must be making you feel great! Please keep in touch about how the move & the preparations for the move go. I'm so excited for you!! :) Ava xxxoo

Ava

Jan 7 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

How to scare an N...

"If you're strong&secure and moving forward he's lost control of you"-This validates why I think the ex-Psych professor hasn't contacted me in the past decade. Total lack of control. He had no control over me leaving New Mexico... he didn't even know it happened. When his colleagues who had been my professors got thank-you notes from me from Oregon and he didn't get one... I wish I could've been a fly on that wall. The last laugh was mine. "Scary, scary concept for most Narcs"-I think that's why the ex-P doesn't contact me. He can't scare me. The memories may be sad&terrifying... but they are memories, not the present. It's like when I've broken NC, it's been for the purpose of terrifying him. He was scared about me being a journalist-it kinda led to the final D&D. He was angry when I wrote for the college newspaper my junior year. I write about religion...an area he thought was HIS area of expertise. (No wonder he touted himself as a literature rather than philosophy/religion expert back in '09) He claimed he was an expert on St. Augustine's "Confessions." I did my senior essay on Augustine's "Confessions." He has never written about Augustine again. I went to Massachusetts... he was scared that I'd do that... of course, lil' me had to reinforce that. He was the only professor who'd speak admiringly of his father by his first name.. well, what a coincidence, my brother in-law and his father have the same name. He probably thinks I totally disrespect his personal/emotional boundaries, and that I am laughing at him.
Jan 7 - 7AM (Reply to #4)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Ava,

thanks for all your wonderful support, will keep you posted,love to you as well! It still shocks me after all these years how these horrible men operate.........