Please help me....

& especially at Christmas. That is absolutely awful. Utterly cruel & horrible emotional manipulation on his behalf, to send you a video like that. And then to play with you further & start talking about dating. This man is f##king awful. But please, please don't be so hard on yourself. You say that you are "so horrible for communicating at all" - you are NOT horrible. And complete fear does set in, its one of the absolutely best tools that can be used against us - and narcs know this. Of course your fear set in because that's exactly what he was trying to do - you were blatantly manipulated by a master. But please be gentle on yourself. You are NOT horrible for communicating. Going NC is SO hard. SO VERY hard to do. Cutting contact with someone you've shared so much of your life with is hard enough in itself, but when its a master manipulator you're dealing with, an abusive relationship that has got so many hooks buried deep within you, it is INCREDIBLY difficult to break out of. And it does take time to be able to do it. Even when we KNOW it is the thing we need to do, it is still SO hard to be able to do it. And to climb out of that place of terror & where you do feel like you've lost your senses - that is a hard climb & one that also takes time. And I am SO impressed that you told him that you would no longer settle for crumbs. That must have taken such courage & strength to say that - at the best of times but even more so during a conversation such as the one you were having, when you're emotions have already been thrown all over the place by the video & then his talk of match.com. I am so impressed you said that & you should be so proud of yourself for doing so. This man is truly f##king awful. But there is a small bit of silver lining here - you've just experienced another example of how cruel, awful & manipulative he is. For me, I found that the more horrible things my ex did after I began to realise there was something really "wrong," the easier I found to gradually let go, to climb out of that place of terror, that twilight zone & finally go NC. Does that make sense? Please be gentle on yourself & be proud of yourself for how you stood firm, stood your ground & stood up for yourself. It truly is so impressive :) This was a horrible thing for you to have to deal with & you would not be human if it hadn't thrown you badly. But you have such strength in you, it is so clear; you will get there. Big hugs xxo Ava xxxxxoooxx

What an absolute loser, evil thing he truly is!! It's not enough that they threw our love away and stomped on our hearts, they simply believe they have the right to continue punishing us to make themselves feel better. They'll do absolutely anything to keep hurting us if we let them. He's not worth the air he breathes and the people he encounters. You're not weak for breaking no contact, he just knows which buttons to push, no matter how painful for you. This proves he inhuman, they all are and the quicker we resist, we take their power away which is ABSOLUTELY essential to beginning to heal and you will. Be strong and get angry girl, it's the only way - they are truly monsters!!!! xx

{{happy}} I'm sorry you're hurting. Ugh...I can't believe it, but I've become a firm believer in NC! LOL I first read about that here in these forums, but have applied it now, and see it as a twofold thing a) it enables US to grow stronger and call the shots in our own lives and b)it stops the negative and toxic noise caused by the narc. Those are the two reasons to stay NC. The scenario you tell us of...I only see him as wanting to lure you back into hurting you, as others have mentioned. He only wanted to tell you about match.com (if that's even true!) to get you to do exactly what you did...to test your resolve. To test your feelings. To lure you back into the game. It's sad. But, really...we don't need to figure out everything here. We can just lay the confusion and doubt, and chaos at the Lord's feet, and be done with it. I did this on Xmas Eve. I laid down the pain, chaos, the nonsense over the past few months...my own culpability...everything...I gave it to God. Do that. Give this to God--tonight. Just lay it down. All your grief and pain. THEN, GO NC. And just remain there. No more entertaining anymore emails, voicemails, nada. It's not to be mean. It's not to punish. It's a) to help you to grow stronger and b)to keep the noise out from the narc. There's nothing wrong with that. We feel we owe everyone on earth something, just because they send us an email, or leave us a voicemail. I am a believer in forgiving people, but these types don't say they're sorry. So...it's not about being mean...it's about getting your life back. He pulls your strings. Stop letting him. He may always be a narc, but you don't have to be his puppet. Remember...NC will give you two things. Go NC and find your peace again. {{hugs}}

Happy, I really feel for you here. He's hoovering and trying to suck you back into his realm...in any form he can. Your xn's actions remind me so much of the things xnh has tried with me. It is incredibly painful being on the "receiving end". I know. I've been there (many times). I truly hate the games these narcs play. They rip our hearts out in the most callous, hurtful way possible. Then they'll turn right around and do something that is very emotionally painful (and trust me they know it will upset us - that's WHY they chose it in the first place). On that note, how could it NOT bother us? They discarded us like trash when we truly loved them (an action in itself intended to cause optimum pain). Sending that video is pouring salt on your already open wounds. Whenever you react emotionally to whatever the narc does (duh - that was their intention), they promptly take the "I was just trying to be 'caring' and 'nice' stance." Bullsh*t. It is neither. The narc wants his way (even if it's just to emotionally mess you up and keep you on a string for future NS). Your xn sending that video to watch (and particularly on Christmas) was deliberate. He meant to upset you and hurt you. If he could spoil your Christmas, all the better. This in my opinion, is just plain cruel. What an a$$wipe! Speaking for myself, if I truly love someone, the very last thing I'd want to do is cause that person pain (in any form). Even when the relationship is over, normal people don't want to hurt the other person any more than they've already been hurt. This is someone once LOVED. If what your xn truly felt was love or caring, he would have NOT SENT THE VIDEO because he would not want to hurt you any more. However, he chose to send it now when it would hurt you the most. Your wounds are fresh, and he knows it. What your xnh did is not loving behavior. Actions speak louder than words. Therefore, IMO, your xn can say he sent that video for whatever reason. However, he was finding a sneaky, manipulative, underhanded way to hurt you. He wants supply. Getting his jollies by making you cry on Christmas is his form of getting NS from your pain. Once again, his actions are ONLY about himself. Keep your chin up, and cut him out of your life wherever possible. NC is really is the only way to go. Cry a lot, if needed, and punch something whenever it helps. We're always here when you need us. Warm hugs, and my kindest thoughts are with you. xoxoxo

You have to block him, Happy. You are too vulnerable right now to being jerked around. You can't be exposed to him right now.

Counseling? For what? Why is the relationshiop dysfunctional & how will counseling address that dysfunction (if it can be articulated). Who pays for counseling? How often? One time per week? Or two times per month? Would counseling be the two times you see each other per month? Or is that counseling in addition to the two times you see each other? And, is sex required these two times you see each other? And would there be other sightings of each other, or is two the monthly limit? And what's he doing the remaing 28-29 days of the month? Who is he seeing? Really, you contact him to ask him to STOP sending photographs & then you beg him not to activate his MATCH.COM account? Do you really want NC, or are you hopeful that he can change in counseling, & then you could be a couple & no other woman will snap him up on match.com?

Oh Happy, Must have been difficult to look at the video. Please tell me that you have destroyed it. Please, I hope I hope!!! There is no reason to keep it. He was a shit to you and a shit to your son. I can remember crying when I would see or hear they were on dating sites. Getting that horrible pain in the heart and stomach, especially after you were just engaged. The reason I say this is because I want you to see what you are dealing with here. Come on Happy, who does this shit??? A sick disordered loser that's who. Your son does not need to see one more bit of any of this. Stop for him if you can't stop for yourself. Enough is enough. Destroy the video, block him on everything and come on here 20 times a day if that's what it takes to stop. Out of all the Narcs on here yours and Helldwellers are two of my least favorites and I would have no trouble telling them right where to go if I ever get the chance. They are both intellectuals who think their shit doesn't stink and they prey on your sensitivity, vulnerablity, and basic good natures. Let me at him, oh please please. Make my day. I'll go on match.com and f with him so bad, he'll regret the day he was born. He will not know what hit him. I was in corporate sales for years and know how to play this type real well. It would be an honor to put him in his place once and for all. The smart ones make me sick. I can almost understand the dumb ones like mine. I always dumbed down, but these guys who know better f ing with you like this. Man oh man does it piss me off. Now you have my attention and I am fuming here. Sending you that video was sheer evil, no question. His wife probably wants the f er out so badly that she is hoping he will go back to you so she does not have to deal with his pathetic ass anymore. Sorry, I'm on a roll today, just real tired of people preying on the kind hearted and using the holiday season to manipulate to boot, WTF. I pray to God he gives you the strength to become sickened by this joker because I sure am and I don't even know him, he sickens me through your posts. I can still remember the time he took his son to work for that special day but he would not take your son. Screw that, there is no excuse for that and you need to remember these things when you get tempted to dance with the devil again. Seriously this man is sheer evil. Please do whatever it takes to go N/C immediately. Happy you are in my prayers for the strenght to stop the contact and let him go. You are an awesome person Happy and you deserve so much better. Just give yourself time to heal and God will send you someone better when you are ready. This asswipe is hardly the only game in town for you. Remember this, you are so much better than him and your son deserves a strong role model not this spineless, wimpy, poor excuse of a wussman. God bless, Goldie

Is there anyway you can block him on your cell, emails, Fb ect..? This way no more "nice memory videos" or anything else to suck you back in. I have blocks on everything. It is a hard step, but a sure way to stop contact. You can only do this when your ready and on your time table. Nothing and nobody can get you to that point. When you had all you can handle, the block will be easy. It will be what YOU really want. Until then, read all the blogs, and pop over to the new site, there is a ton of info over there to help you.

See, yuck, anything he sends you send back. Do not talk to this jerk. Control, I'm mad for you. In a way it's good that you spoke, now you know. Let him go on Match,. That is also a place to stay away from. It should be called Narc.com. My said I could come visit but that's it. basically , "come. F@&$ me" such losers. We all r so much better off with out the abuse. Hang in. Idealk

Theres nothing wrong with day 1..You need to feel pain to become amune..numb to his ways..when you are numb ..you have moved on..his words don't bother you..Don't sulk..learn and experience the pain as it is..Your strong you will overcome

He's f*king with your head. He doesn't care about you. He's crazy and he's using you for supply. He will keep screwing with your head until you disengage and cut contact. This is how he occupies his time, by driving others crazy. He cannot be anyone's partner, and he can't be yours, because he has a personality disorder. He will never, ever be normal. He's stuck like this. You need to stay away from him, or he'll just keep using you. Others on this board recently reminded me (because I needed the reminder) that 'no contact' is for US - for our healing, for our self-care. You deserve a lot of self-care & love right now. He's the anti-Christ to self-care - he's poison. He's pure poison. That's why going NC is the only way out of the cycle of insanity they create. Keep posting here all day if you have to - we'll support you. Every time you want to contact him, post here. Sending lots of love & hugs, Leah

"He then said he would stop the dating site if I would still see him 2 days a month and go to counseling to work on us" Im sorry Happy but your Narc must be smooking that good good..to have the nerve to ask you to only see him twice a month 2 damn days out the week. Telling him you will be seeing him those two days after he gets his weany cutt off then you with go to surgery with him and tell the doctor secretly he wants a sex change a vagina after..Then he can take those same two days he wants to ee you and go shopping as one of the girls.. Why would he ask you that sick question oh sorry ultimadium..because he not dare ask the begger..he demands the begger.. You see you became the Begger..the poor I need you girl..The Sally so sad without you Sue.. You begged got on both knees and begged..that's how he see you..you gave him Narc Supply with Gold and Diamonds attach..the real King treatment..just how a Narc likes it ..Begged and holding the mayo.. You need to get back up ignore this whole conversation completely act as if it was a bad dream or face it head on..but whatever you do..do not dwell a mini sec on it..free your happy self in happy land ..don't let this pestering leach bother you.. Think of it as your so awsome that he beggs for you two days because he knows you The Queen you are will never give him anything else.. Don't take it as a stab ..take it as a compliment and say you know what you don't deserve my two days ..you deserve none.. Flick your hair..snub your noise get off your knees dust your self off and turn around and walk away right back into NC as if you never left.. Happy I hope you take your happiness back..and leave him where he lay in the pit of his own funk.. Cheer up..theres bigger fish to fry..xxx