Broken Record

I dont mean to sound like a broken record here, but I have to share this with all of you.

I know I shared the information about the book I had just finished (Men who cant love How to recognize a commitmentphobic man before he breaks your heart By Steven Carter & Julia Sokol)

I wish I had the words to explain what reading this book has done for me.

I devoured it in one night, something clicked, I understood things on a level I cant even phathom at the moment. I mean I KNOW the things he did to me, and I KNOW the confusion that it created in my head. I recall going over and over events trying to make them fit, trying to make them make some sort of sense.
I dont know why but for me this was the book that did it. Not saying coming here and other boards didnt help, but for each of us the healing journey is different and we each arrive at our AHA moments at different times and with different triggers.

The other day I went to work and I can say I FELT different...and it must have shown...something clicked in my soul and I GOT IT...it was never about me not being good enough, or not loving enough, or not trusting enough, these were the things HE needed me to believe in myself, so when I was low enough he could do what he wanted and say what he wanted and I would feel so bad about myself I would just nod like one of them dogs on a dash board with blank eyes and submit to what ever BS he spoon fed me.

I recall saying over and over it felt like he had one foot out the door and now after reading this book, I can say my gut was right because he did have one foot out. Maybe writing this out I see it better now...it makes sense because the book confirmed what my gut was telling me all along...the games he played, the distance he created, and when I dared question it, it opened the door up for all the names he put on me, he kept the relationship off balance on purpose yet found ways to either blame me directly for it, or at least make me think I was crazy for feeling that way...

wow...all this clearity from a book...not that I dont think on some level I got it...but now I GOT IT !!!!!!

I held my head up that day at work and felt very different about myself...almost like a peace came over me. I was addressed by someone and I found myself smiling and joking back (normally my head would be down and I would answer and bolt) but this time I played along...dare I say there was even a mild flirting going on? I even got a lovely compliment from the bell ringer who thanked me for being a beautiful woman and making his day !!!! And he made mine : )

Wether it was the book or not (and maybe it was but just for me...who knows) all I can say is stay the path, at some point a ding and a light bulb are going to go off, you are going to understand things on such a core level there will be no turning back...no more allowing the N to get in under the radar...I wish I could say it better...something in your soul will kick in...you will feel the injustice of what he/she has done, and just like that it will be over...not the horrible memeories...but that little secret hope we all cling to as we put on our brave face...it will evaporate...no more hope because you will have truely arrived at indifference...

I am at peace...

And to quote Willy Wonka...* I HOPE IT WILL LAST*

HAPPY N FREE HOLIDAYS EVERYONE !!!!!!!!