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Regret

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#1 Dec 19 - 6PM
Deidre99
Deidre99's picture

Regret

Can someone here provide me with some insight on how to deal with this tonight? I had a decent weekend, but I'm rolling over in my mind, how he treated me. How I let him treat me. I have such agonizing regret. Agonizing. :=(

There were SO many red flags early on...when we were dating, after we broke up. But, I stayed in his life, and let him hurt me. Let him berate me. Let him feel like he had some power over me. Let him think I needed him.

I never said these things, but my actions were that of a weak woman, who looked like she needed a man 'like him' to help her through life. I am so mad at myself. I need some advice on how to heal from the pain of regret. Thank you.

Dec 20 - 7AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Trauma

Judith Herman, MD, TRAUMA & RECOVERY. Get this book. Even psychiatrists rely on this well-written, accessible to the lay reader. It defines what trauma is. And then it defines the three major stages of recovery from truma. The realization that one enabled & facilitated the abuse is a stage of recovery. Often the victim feels humilated & ashamed that she permitted the abuse of herself. Me. I can say that I felt "self-loathing" when I was in this stage. What I tolerated! I almost hated myself. I bent over backwards with a smile, allowed this man to emotionally & psychologically RAPE me, and then I thanked him for abusing me so as to keep him calm & to not escalate his abuse because I dared NOT to applaud his every act & deed. This is why I so push for NC. Leave. Get away. Any time spent on these twisted beings is just hurting oneself.
Dec 19 - 10PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

I hope this feels comforting

I hope this feels comforting . . . feeling this way only means you are right on track :( I found my first forum for abuse survivors when I was smack dab in the middle of feeling like you do now. I didn't know at the time that an important transition was happening in my recovery. All I knew was that I couldn't believe how . . . stupid? insane? weak? I had been, MUST have been, to put up with that. And I did it for seven years, mind you. I let him take me down so far I had to go live with my little sister in her extra bedroom for a year and a half. That important transition . . . well, since no one has yet mapped out the recovery process in great detail, I'll call it "separation and objectivity". The fog is clearing further. You are seeing more of what actually happened. You are seeing YOUR part in this, and it's not pleasant. But you don't know yet why you did what you did. Right now it looks like you were "weak" and clueless. I felt like an IDIOT (have always been rough on myself). I couldn't believe I didn't SEE it while it was happening, and my only conclusion was that I was a complete idiot. I didn't know that I had a specific kind of "syndrome" that happens to people who get into intimate relationships with NPD or probably any other PDI. You know what he is. But do you understand what has happened to you? Google "narcissistic victim syndrome" it's just now getting talked about. I'm going to do it too. I'm not giving a lot of attention to your feelings of regret because you are not stupid or weak. I don't believe you could have done any differently. None of the rest of us could have, knowing what we knew back then.
Dec 20 - 9AM (Reply to #13)
Deidre99
Deidre99's picture

Yes, in an odd way, this is

Yes, in an odd way, this is comforting Briseis. And I looked up narc victim syndrome. Amazing. I would say my narc was indirectly abusive. The example they gave...''why do you make the eggs that way?'' Instead of saying...your eggs suck. lol Both are bad, but one can be slightly more insidious than the other...slowly eating away at your esteem. I remember he would say...'why don't you ever read the Bible?' Um, I do. 'why don't you ever do as I ask?' Yeah...that was enlightening. I appreciate your post. Hope your week is off to a good start.
Dec 19 - 10PM (Reply to #10)
Jean
Jean's picture

being victims

Thanks for your comments about what happens to us as victims. Oh, the things I tell myself, too: I should have known better; I shouldn't have tangled with him; I was warned - the list just goes on and on some days. It is SO hard to admit being victimized. The empowering part is then immediately knowing: It WASN'T MY FAULT. I sometimes think of rape victims, and how they are further tortured when people don't believe them, or tell them to "get over it." Some of the stories I read on this board are psychological rape, period.
Dec 20 - 9AM (Reply to #11)
Deidre99
Deidre99's picture

Thing is though jean? I do

Thing is though jean? I do feel this was my fault. I really do. It is his fault he is a jerk. But, I can't help but feel that I knew he was early on...he was deeply troubled...I kept telling myself that, and I kept staying in his life, when I knew I shouldn't. So...in some ways, I don't feel like I personally was a victim. I don't speak for anyone else here, only me. I just have so much guilt for staying too long in this. If that makes sense.
Dec 20 - 2PM (Reply to #12)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

You are looking back at

You are looking back at yourself with the benefit of hindsight. Hindsight is 20/20. Of course it looks "stupid and weak" from hindsight. The important thing for you right now is to go back and try and relate with yourself in how you interpreted his behavior back THEN, without the hindsight. Sure, everyone has "issues" and quirks. Some are worse than others. But everyone does a pro and con list in their head. You judge the "cons" against the pros and if the pros outweigh the cons . . . then you jump in. It's how we judge that was the problem. And how we judged was from IGNORANCE and innocence. If you had even suspected that this relationship would end up the way it did, you would not have jumped into it with both feet. If you had even suspected you'd end up in some kind of unhealthy attachment to this guy, having to do this work and suffering, you would have run screaming. The truth is, you had NO idea. None whatsoever. Perhaps there was a niggling worry in the back of your head. Honey, you would have had niggling worries about Prince Charming, we all do. It just happened to be that your niggling worries were spot on :( We don't take risks without . . . risk. You took a risk. It flopped, and now you are cleaning up the mess. Lots of risks flop and fail. People stay holed up in their homes in misery when they never take risks. You take a risk on the chance it will be worth it. A lot of times, it IS worth it. This time, it wasn't. The silver lining is the personal work, the strengthening of your faith, the self knowledge, and the Narc Radar you have been given to prevent this from happening again. Narcs are everywhere. At least, there are Narc-ish people everywhere. American culture is disgustingly narcissistic (in the malignant way). It is practically celebrated. So you are gonna run into them whereever you go, various versions. You will be able to spot them too. You might be at a job interview one day and realize the person interviewing you is a blazing Narc, and you'll walk away and say ta ta to THAT job :eek: . You'll be able to prevent yourself from getting hog tied again, by any one. For people like us, the empathic, understanding, relatively nonjudgmental types, this is a gift we desperately need just to survive in this life. Life (for me now) is SO much better. There are self centered or Narc-ish people all over the place, but they don't GET to me, I won't let them. They may annoy me or make me grumble and bitch, but they don't ruin my day. They USED TO plague me :( They really liked me for some reason. And I didn't think I could keep them away from me. But I can, and it's the right thing to do. I am never cruel or impolite to them. I am very polite and kind. I am just covered with Teflon. They have no idea I make the sign of the cross or have a garlic necklace beneath my scrubs :D . I treat them like I treat everyone else. With a general politeness and respect. I have turned away and wanted to stick my finger down my throat but at least they slide right off. Guilt is good, if you did something abominably WRONG. You had no idea what you were about to do was WRONG. So let yourself off the hook. And keep those hindsight glasses in your pocket, at least until you have more gentle understanding of what happened to you, OK ? ((((hugs))))
Dec 19 - 9PM
Jean
Jean's picture

they hide their real selves

He only went after you because you are decent. It's sort of a compliment - he wanted what you have but these Narcs are so full of seething envy; if they can't have something they want to ruin it. I work with a Narc and he is literally surrounded by other psychologists and I am quite quite sure none of them would peg him for a NPD. He fools them the same way he fools everyone else: charm & flattery. He is a slick customer who will pretend and play little games, just as he has been doing since he was a small child. If he can fool a bunch of professional psychologists, what chance do the rest of us have? His real self is rageful and full of hatred and terrified of women and intimacy. He feels terribly ineffective and that is why he spends so much time running around trying to make everyone love and admire him. He is constantly trying to shore up an ego to protect against a barren, frightening, empty backdrop that he would come to know & understand without all the "love" and "admiration." This makes him DRIVEN to get supply. Lack of supply = terror. I was fooled even though 3 other co-workers whose opinions I respect said, "he's an asshole." I didn't listen because he charmed me, pure and simple. YOU are in no way to blame. I'm SO SORRY you had to go through this.
Dec 19 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
Deidre99
Deidre99's picture

this is a great post,

this is a great post, jean...thank you for taking the time here to say all this. I agree. I believe they are angry people. Deep down. I look back, and he didn't only berate me...but he'd call a lot of people, names. In passing. During conversation. He would change his voice to mimic women in a particular way...at first, it was funny, but then it became childish, to me. He mimicked his mom. Which is where the hate for women stems from. Supposedly, she called the police on him many times when he was a teen. Just for doing ''regular'' teen things. He spent time in jail. I would imagine any kid would grow to resent his/her parents, then...but, who knows what is truth anymore. I think that he built up a story, so I'd feel sorry for him. It's funny you say people warned you. When I told one of my good guy friends about him...he said the same thing...''he's full of shit.'' Were his words. lol He said, he's giving you this sob story about his entire life, to suck you in. I was vulnerable at the time and he preyed on it. I don't know if I'd say diabolical, but I'd say he definitely knew when he was doing. I always found myself feeling sorry for him. And he would be angry when you'd say that...DON'T PITY ME. But, then, he'd just tell you more stories to get you to pity him. Crazy, no? I will work on myself more this week...thank you!
Dec 19 - 9PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Diedre

If you read, you will find over and over again that NO ONE is immune. No one is privy until they go through such a relationship. You were powerless as you really did not have a clue how disordered he was. He was clever utilizing intermittent reinforecment. We are nurturers, kind etc...we genrally put ourselves in others shoes, and by habit tend to think: "oh, he didn't mean that" and make excuses because it is hard to imagine someone would be so calculated in their attack. YOU MUST forgive yourself because I have yet to find ONE document, and I've SCOURED MANY that says - ANYONE could figure this out. THESE GUYS PSYCH OUT THE PROFESSIONALS.... So, put the EGO aside, cause that is what is messing with you, and accept that you are human and were powerless. NOTE: When you finally did put your finger on something...did you stay?... Erase the thought - there was NOTHING you could have done - and all you could you did - you left...
Dec 19 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
Deidre99
Deidre99's picture

This is it, too. My ego. I

This is it, too. My ego. I think that I need to forgive myself, and realize like you say michele...I was somewhat powerless. I mean, from the standpoint of not realizing fully what I was dealing with. Your thoughts help ...thanks.
Dec 19 - 10PM (Reply to #6)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

I believe we are somewhat

I believe we are somewhat powerless when presented with what appears in every way like the 'love of our life'. What do we do for love? Do not blame yourself for falling in love and being blinded by it. They wouldn't say 'love is blind' if it wasn't so true. Sadly it came from a sick man who knew how to play upon everything sacred. The lowest of low. almostlydia

almostlydia

Dec 19 - 7PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

two words knowledge and

two words knowledge and forgiveness. I mean for yourself of course
Dec 19 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
Deidre99
Deidre99's picture

That's it. I can't seem to

That's it. I can't seem to shake this anger I have at myself.
Dec 19 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Keep reading and reading.

Keep reading and reading. Try to stay NC. I know you are in a place right now where you dont want to contact but realize that may change you very possibly in a few days feel the urge to contact him which is normal. I would say very few people on here stick with the NC the first go round. Its a process in which the pain has to far outweigh any high you feel from him hoovering you and that you start associating him with pure excruiating pain. With that said Im not encouraging you in anyway to break nc but Im just saying dont feel shame for having those urges if they come. I am still struggling with this.