What the hell am I doing?

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#1 Dec 13 - 3PM

desprathousewife

What the hell am I doing?

Why am I even still thinking about him? He assaulted me, apologised but showed NO remorse in any subsequent texts or phone calls (all ignored). I have strictly stuck to NC since the assault. It's been 4 and a half months damnit. I've kept my cool, seen the court case through, ignored ALL forms of contact and TRIED to keep it together and hold my head high. He, on the other hand....tried to hoover me back (through texts and such) all to get me to drop the charges. Has gone back to a woman who also assaulted me when I first met him, has kept this underwraps but I'm NOT a fool! Ok, maybe I am, for not seeing him as he really is? I've gone through HIS birthday, MY birthday....I pass HER house everyday, and occasionally get unknown phone calls at daft oclock in the morning, which I KNOW are from HIM. He won't go out, cos he knows everyone hates him for what he's done to me. I've been so strong (a front), inside all this has crippled me emotionally. I've done my duty and held him accountable re the law, but when will HE be held accountable for the damage he's caused my psyche? I want ME back, I want to be that sweet, trusting person I once was. I want so much to have never met him. To have met someone decent, who would truly love me and not FAKE it. I've always been a GOOD GIRL DAMNIT! I've never been unfaithful, always stuck to my morals and principles....even when I fell out of love with my husband of 18 years, I walked away truthfully, decently and honestly....and I walked into this ....NIGHTMARE!

Every time I go out I have to pass HER house, I have to wonder whether she is with HIM, whether they are plotting against me? Do THEY hate me, does SHE hate me, will either of them HARM me? Does he miss me? I was SO good to him :(

I want the torment to end. I have recently started going out again and I try and be who I once was, try not to think about what has been. Everyone is supportive, I try not to speak about what's happened for fear of seeming stuck and obsessive....but I AM, both of those things. If I had a magic wand I'd....hell, I don't know whether I'd use it to wish I'd never have met him, or to make me not care about what's been and be able to build a better future with the insight I now have about loving a psychopath?

The thing that disturbs me most right now is the feeling that if i wanted him back I could have him. If I gave him ANY encouragement, he'd bite. I could have the power to have back all I THOUGHT I wanted. I could reel him back in, make her redundant and live the dream again, albeit for a while. Why is this thought so tempting? It's sickening after everything that's happened. I may even manage to keep the dream alive after now knowing what I now know. My life would be hell admittedly, but I'd not have to go through the withdrawl, have the last laugh as far as SHE is concerned, but what about ME? Would being with him again, losing a lot of friends and family be worth it for a FANTASTIC new honeymoon period ( I know he would give his BEST performance ever).

WHY am I even thinking these things? I've been the one to hold him accountable for his actions at long last. Why would I go back into the lion's den? Why would I even CONSIDER such an obviously disasterous liason?

90% of the time I don't consider such foolishness, but 10% of the time I DO?

Please someone, after everything I read on this fantastic site, please tell me that there is light at the end of the tunnel, something to look forward to, to hope for, to not go back for?

I remember this time last year and all the wonderful times we spent together. I've felt so strong in the past, now that is fading and the weakness is creeping in. I can't imagine being with anyone else intimately for the foreseeable future. I want so much to hear that someone on this site has loved again, after the narc experience? Is it possible?

#2 Dec 15 - 3PM

desprathousewife

Thanks everyone

I'm in a better place since I wrote this thank goodness and thanks to you angels :) Have stopped obsessing, well a little ;) and the obsessing has now reverted back to the BAD times that my brain seemed to have mislaid grrrrr. Have just come in from a nightshift at work, OW's car wasn't there (which means she's at his for a midweek shag and I'm smiling and thinking thank goodness it's her and not me. I got a lot more of him than she did, but it was hardly ever really quality time. Trying to keep him sweet and walking on them eggshells was bloody hard work and I can come back to my humble narc free abode now and do my own thing, chillax (lol, I'm even learning the new young cool lingo). Hey, I'm alive, free as a bird and have kept my sanity. All your fab replies have helped me put this back into perspective. You are such a wise lot and all your advise is appreciated, taken on board and now implanted in my new highly technical narc aware brain. Big love to you all. Thanks for getting me back on track....mwah

#3 Dec 15 - 12AM

almostlydia

Before I knew anything about

Before I knew anything about what I was dealing with, the hopelessness of it all, I kept going back over and over again because of that 10 percent. It only wasted 4 or 5 more years of my life on absolute continuous torment that just gets worse and worse because you know what they are capable of. Eventually that 10 percent became nothing more than maybe 2 weeks of 'being nice' if that, who knows with his secret life. That 10 percent also came down to me wanting him to leave almost as soon as I had made that mistake again. Maybe you should see it as being 90 percent of the way there. It is hard - maybe the hardest thing but you are 90 percent there. That last 10 is a b*tch, that's for sure. But I wish I had those 5 years back. The ending didn't change, the outcome is still the same - hopeless as far as he is concerned. Even after all of these many months of absence, I don't want him back but he is still in my head most every day to some degree. Don't know when that will go away, but it doesn't hurt it just stays there like a ghost that haunts me. almostlydia

almostlydia

#4 Dec 15 - 4PM (Reply to #22)

desprathousewife

almostlydia

Thanks. I'm now 91% there :) You are so right, it could have been worse, I only wasted 18 months, and maybe they weren't a total waste as I now am armed with newfound knowledge and hopefully won't ever make the same mistake again. The timescale spent with these guys doens't seem to matter. We all land up in the same sad sorry place in the end. I must be grateful that mine was a lot shorter than most. Thank you again x

#5 Dec 14 - 3AM

helldweller

desprat

Ohhhhhhh! It's so awful, isn't it?! Knowing you could get him back at any moment, even the illusion. Why do we want it? Because we are addicted. I'm sick of hearing it, too, but it's the truth. So, so many times I wanted to call him, tell him it's okay, whatever, just to spend a little more time with him. Espcially now, since the OW snubbed me, too. I'd love to screw him and call her and tell her. Love to mess up their little situation. But you know what? He'll do that himself, just like yours will. I wish I could fast forward us awhile into the future, putting some months of NC between us and them, but I can't. Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if you have to. There's better stuff ahead. I don't care right now, either. Any more than you do. I just want him back sitting next to me, calling me "Baby." But it's all BS. THe only thing that helps me get through is telling myself I have to be dignified for my children. I myself would be a pathetic loser and go back to him, but i can't demean them that way. I have to be dignified for them--until I have esteem enough again to be dignified for myself.

#6 Dec 15 - 4PM (Reply to #20)

desprathousewife

Dignity

Yep. Helldweller wtf was I thinking? Why on earth would I want to go back. This cognitive dissonance is an absolute travesty. I agree the fast forward into the future thing sounds fabulous...BUT...who knows what tomorrow will bring, hopefully now I've crawled back out of that hole I fell in, things will get better. I'm going to try and live in the present a bit more...stop looking back or hoping for the future to hurry on up. Life is too short and I'm almost four and a half months into NC. I hope you are feeling better too? You are one gawdamned strong and very DIGNIFIED lady helldweller, don't you ever forget that! mwah

#7 Dec 13 - 8PM

agnesmurphy17

Better

It gets better. It takes about 18 months or more of little or no contact to reclaim oneself. But, I think that one is forever changed by an intimate experience with a psychopath. Very little research has been done concerning the victims of psychopaths. PTSD research. But actual focus upon the the survivors of psychopathic abuse in the domestic arena is just not out there. I left my husband 18 months ago. Do not miss him. No fantasy of being with him. But, still, I am here. So damaged. There are others here on this site. Almost 10 years out. And still, trying to sort the pathological relationship out. Here talking to others who somehow understand. You can find a new love. Even happiness. But, very possibily, every once & awhile, something will happen which will bring the memories of the pathological abuse to the forefront.

#8 Dec 15 - 5PM (Reply to #17)

ShaynasMommy

so true

"But, still, I am here. So damaged. There are others here on this site. Almost 10 years out. And still, trying to sort the pathological relationship out. Here talking to others who somehow understand." Yes, I am a perfect example. If the people in my life knew I read and posted on this site, they would probably think something was seriously amiss. They would think that I never got over my exN. That isn't true at all. Indeed, I more than "got over" him. I went on to find a decent man, got married and started a family, I am quite happy that N is out of my life, but that doesn't mean that I will ever forget that part of my life. None of us will ever fully forget, unfortunately. I wish it were otherwise. But by remembering we can avoid the same pitfalls in the future.....and we can grow in ourselves and get stronger too. Those are the "blessings." I feel "better" now that I have a lot more answers than questions anymore. But the bottom line is, that no matter how well I can understand the complexities behind what Narcs do and why they do them, and why we get caught up in it, I will always harbor this emotional confusion and anguish over WHY? Why did this have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? Why then? What kept me there? Its all so unfair!!!! And it is. But I have learnt to accept that it happened and I will never get that question fully and satisfactorily answered. Period. But I'm glad I found this site and can finally put a name on this thing, realized it was pretty much all HIM and yes it was malicious and deliberate on his part, and that I don't have to feel like a tool for having loved an illusion. Because I CAN love and CARE. And its obvious that some people never can, no matter what. Sometimes I wonder why I am here still. Not to disregard anybody here in any way, mind you. You all are wonderful. But I used to think that I shouldn't be here because it has been about "ten years out." And then I think, its because I am only trying to provide for myself what I couldn't get from anyone else back then: validation.

#9 Dec 15 - 5PM (Reply to #18)

desprathousewife

shaynasMommy

Wow, I never realised your relationship with your N was sooooo long ago? When I first joined this site you helped me....a LOT! I for one am glad you are still here, although to be perfectly honest I'm scared as to the length of time these guys can have an affect on us. I was hoping that it would be 18 months at most. Guess I'm just kidding myself :( I love that you have met a DECENT MAN and had a family, that is music to my ears, although I don't think I'll marry again and I already have my family. To know that we can love again and be in a decent relationship is enough :) Why after all this time is that question of why still so important to you? Surely there is no rhyme or reason as to the why...we were just easy prey to them. Very unfair, as we are all such loving, giving ladies. None of us deserved this. I'm sorry you are still here but very glad you are for you're a true veteran and give us all such great advise. Thank you x

#10 Dec 13 - 8PM

Briseis

Yes of course you will love

Yes of course you will love again. Your love machine ain't broken. You got the wrench out by getting rid of the Narc. He is like a disease you are just getting over. When a person is very interested in another love relationship, this makes it harder I think. For those in those early-ish months of NC. At four months NC, my life was getting better, I was feeling better, but I still had the residue. That idiot was still in my head. And talk about driving past this or that house where I knew the various OW lived, or who HE was mooching off of. I hear that loud and clear :( I ended up leaving the area, which of course eliminated a lot of those issues when I was nine months NC. It didn't stop me from obsessing about him, though. I had to take deliberate steps to get him out of my head. I had to deliberately stop the obsessive spirals when they would start. Seriously . . . he was GONE. Forever. Thinking about him was like a bad habit at that point. Fingernail biting or something like that. I was so used to him being in there, it was no wonder. Stop the thoughts when they come up. Just say to yourself STOP. There is a technique called "thought stopping", google it for more info. I did't get too technical. And it took practise, but it really helped. I'd start thinking about him and then immediately would think Oh hell no, stop it. As far as environmental triggers, you could deliberately change the way you talk to yourself, like when you drive by HER house. You don't have to succumb to any of that stuff you described. Get up on that horse and tell yourself something different. Like "I sincerely could give a flying f*ck what happens in that house." Or "who cares!" Start breaking apart those very HABITUAL thoughts. Really, what he's doing or what she's doing is nothing to you. It would probably poison your brain if you knew. Who needs their BS?? Back to the fear that love will never be the same . . . it won't. And you don't want it to be. That innocence you had before? Be glad it's gone. It is not a bad thing to lose, it is a GOOD thing to lose. Adult, mature love has nothing to do with being an innocent girl with stars in her eyes. It just makes you an excellent target for a Narc (as has been demonstrated). Real, mature and enduring love . . . it comes in powerfully and in spite of your fears. It is the real deal. It doesn't need fireworks or fairy tales. And, it takes time to even form. This love at first sight stuff? That's evolution's way of trying to get us to mate and have more babies. I'm in a place I just want my KIDS to have babies for me :D . You are really right on track Despy. You are in a way being asked by Life to rethink a lot of things. What may not have occurred to you yet is that what you "miss having" is so much LESS than what's in store. So open up that mind, let the sunshine in :) I'm still being surprised myself :) There's so much more than I dreamed :)

#11 Dec 13 - 7PM

Scoop

aww , you have let go of the

aww , you have let go of the rope , the narc will take you to a place where he will try and lock horns with you and part of nc is to not lock thoses horns , dont play the game anymore , part of the game is worrying what the ow is doing and thinking and in a way it is her you have locked horns with more than the narc .Please try and see her as another victim , im not saying send her loving vibes and embrace her as a sister but i am saying she is a mis guided woman the same as you where with this manipulating narc , she is just a loved up woman standing by her man , but we know to be loved up with this freak narc can only lead to evil .Rise above the kitchen sink drama that this guy thrives in and become the beautiful , strong woman that he could never match . Big love ,you are so strong doing the nc with this man , i really think you dont give youre self justice on how savy you have been , this prick punched you i the face and tryed to get out of it by saying he thought you where a intruder , you went to his house out of love that night , you acted out of goodness and love and he punched you in the face . NEVER think they are fit to even look at you let alone put you down ! xx

#12 Dec 13 - 7PM

blueeyes

Despy

I still think about HIM. A wise woman once told me, that in order to understand the unexplainable and gain control back into our lives, we need to get technical. Getting technical sometime over thinking... Your doing great! I am proud of you.

#13 Dec 13 - 4PM

michele115 (not verified)

Time takes Time

It's been about four months for me too and I see a significant change in how I feel. He still lives in my head RENT FREE but hey, he's a Narc... I don't know how or what brought about the lifting for me? I know I vented a nasty letter about two weeks back to him. I don't recommend this for you - but somehow, I just saw him for what he is... I know I'm far superior on many fronts to HIM and essentially I settled for much less than I deserved. For you - Now you are officially free. They may very well continue to squat in your head for a bit...but keep on living. Give yourself a huge pat on the back for being able to follow through on all you have - it takes a lot of strength to have to pass their house everyday I'm sure. BUT you are the one that will move on while he stays stuck. Hard to see it right now but it's the truth. They're sick...they have empty space in their heads...this illness is what it is...you are powerless over that - but you have control of you. Turn your obessional thinking into how to make you happy...try not to let the thoughts when they creep in take over. I find that when I try to distract myself they lessen substantially. Get on the phone with a friend, call a friend, I play BUBBLE POP on facebook it's mindless therapy but I have to focus on that to pop the bubbles. Do whatever it takes and give yourself a TON of credit...this isn't so easy to get over and you musn't think that you're not making adequate progress. I think you're making wonderful progress... Just give time time. Hugs...

#14 Dec 13 - 5PM (Reply to #11)

desprathousewife

Thanks Mich

90% of the time I feel strong, its the 10% that gets me down. Her living around the corner keeps it alive in my head more than it should. I hate these obsessional thoughts, I try and shift them and most of the time I succeed. I hate the fact that he's still taking up residence in my head after all this time, and her too. After all that has happened and how much I've learned, how far I've come and how strong I feel, it sometimes pales into insignificance when I think of the evil they both possess. She verbally assaulting my daughter the other week has made me seek vengeance. The biggest vengeance would be to contact him and get him back, watch her squirm and THEN WHAT? Yeah, stupid I know. That is NOT what I need, I've done the hard work and am still standing. I've just felt so helpless through all this. My friends have stood by me, are very supportive but I would never tell them my real feelings. They would not understand, they have never been in my situation and I pray they never will. I battle this out with my alter egos on a daily basis, I need to try and put it behind me, bury these intrusive thoughts and move on. If only she wasn't around the corner and him 5 minutes up the road. Their closeness is such a constant reminder and a major hinderence to my recovery and there isn't anything I can do to counteract that. I try and do everything I can to take my mind off the situation and keep myself positive. Sometimes it even works, then something happens re one of them to reinstate it in the forefront of my mind and I have to go into fight mode again. It's not fair, I wish they'd just up and leave the planet, or at least my neighbourhood. I'm afraid my wishes count for nothing, else I wouldn't be in this sorry situation :(

#15 Dec 14 - 9AM (Reply to #12)

fedup

Despy

Try to keep in mind that the two of them are a perfect match. Water seeks its own level. So does toxic sludge. You are so far above that........Stay on the high ground, and don't get that crap on your shoes. I think the OW in your case has been trying to bait you...Don't bite.Don't feed either one's need for drama.If she oversteps again--call the cops, let them deal with it. Indifference is your greatest weapon. Even if you have to fake it at first......the more you keep that mindset, eventually you won't have to fake it.They'll hardly be a blip on your radar.

#16 Dec 13 - 4PM

gettinbetter

Omg! Yes! This is exactly

Omg! Yes! This is exactly how I feel. I don't want to think about him anymore yet I still am. When does it end. I wish I had never found him on fb I feel like I should be embarrased to even say this.

#17 Dec 13 - 5PM (Reply to #4)

desprathousewife

Sick of it

I'm embarrassed too. No-one in my life has ever taken up so much space in my head, so underservedly.

#18 Dec 13 - 5PM (Reply to #5)

gettinbetter

Sometimes I feel like I'm

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't even post anymore I mean what is there to say. I know the facts. I just want the thoughts to stop

#19 Dec 13 - 6PM (Reply to #6)

jen79

looool

its so strange isnt it, I think I would have lost my mind already, if I didnt knew, that you all are experiencing the same. It soo sucks. I feel like my life is on a hold, while he jumps around and lives his life. I want him be erased for ever.

#20 Dec 13 - 7PM (Reply to #7)

gettinbetter

sometimes I feel like I cant

sometimes I feel like I cant stand it anymore. I sit here and write Christmas Cards in which I have enclosed a family picture with my house all decorated and I think to myself what am I doing? I have a great family and nice home and I still sit here obsessed with the Narc. I just want it to stop. Im just so tired of thinking about him. He is an evil creature that does nothing but harm people. All under the guise of Im just a good ole southern boy

#21 Dec 14 - 3AM (Reply to #9)

helldweller

despy and sick of it

Yes, yes. I am looking at myself living this full, wonderful life with my family and friends, my great kids, my career, my home, my faith, my interests. And I'm just not there. I appear to be there, everyone says I'm there, I"m back. But i'm not there! I'm not back! I do the same thing: putting up the tree thinking, What am I doing? Having a snowball fight with my daughters thinking, "Why why why is your mind on him?" I have been trying to simply stop the thoughts of him deliberately as some have suggested. Just say out loud, "Stop" and force myself to think of something else or to focus on what i'm doing. It's torture, and it's constant. It's awful. I keep saying to myself, 'At least this year I'm not strung out on antidepressents like I was last year. At least I'm not vandalizing his car." A sad bit of progress, but I guess it's a big deal to go from trying to kill someone to just missing him, whatever he was. Hang in there.

#22 Dec 13 - 7PM (Reply to #8)

Jean

I understand

I am really tired of being obsessed with him, but every day is an improvement. Although some days I feel like I take a step backward. I haven't talked to him in over a week (he works with me) and I am lucky because it was a short & fairly superficial relationship - nonetheless, he occupies way too much space in my head. And as time passes, I sometimes have thoughts like, "well, maybe he's really not that harmful" or "maybe I have a bigger role in this than I want to admit" which all just bs because I know this guy is an evil bastard. I still really want him to be punished. Just now I was lying on my bed fantasizing about him coming on to me in some private place, and me grabbing his balls until he collapsed in excruciating pain. Hmmmm, that's a new one. Where do these thoughts come from? I guess it's just my brain's way of trying to cope with the damage he inflicted.

#23 Dec 13 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

StillHurting

I wish I never found him either...

at work! I hear you loud and clear.

#24 Dec 13 - 5PM (Reply to #3)

desprathousewife

Stillhurting

Thanks for understanding, this whole thing sucks big time.

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