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Loss of Focus

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#1 Dec 7 - 6PM
nonnie
nonnie's picture

Loss of Focus

Was wondering if anyone else is suffering from loss of focus or inability to pay attention.

My narc husband of 28 years finally left five months ago. I've had very little contact with him. He came by the day after he left to see if we could make things work and I've received a handful a texts from him - mainly listing the things he wanted from the house. Other than that, I haven't seen him or heard from him.

Since I really put an effort into getting him out of my life (a few years ago), I've noticed that I don't remember many things but recently noticed the lack of focus and it's becoming unbearable. I worried at first about Alzheimer's, my dad had early onset Alzheimer's and his mom had it as well. Then I realized that I wasn't forgetting things, I just can't focus on anything and it's really starting to have an impact on my job. I can be sitting there listening to a friend and realize I have no idea what she's saying. On top of that, I'm wanting her to just shut up so I can go back to my nothingness.

I brought this up to my therapist last week and he said that regardless of how my marriage was, good or bad, I learned coping mechanisms to deal with the narc and now that he is no longer my main focus, it's like part of my brain is in a tailspin. I'm sure this is somewhere on here but I honestly don't have it in me to try and find it. It makes sense, I know that my mind was constantly on him and what I would need to do to avoid bullshit, wondering what kind of mood he'd be in and my all-time favorite, getting the silent treatment and scrambling to figure out what I did wrong. He'd never tell me and would deny that anything was wrong whenever I had the courage to mention it - you all know how that goes...

One other thing my therapist said that I'd never heard before. Since we'd done nothing but focus on the narc for a few months, he was asking me things about myself, food likes and whatnot, he said that they use that line of questioning with children since it tends to be non-threatening. Anyway, the subject of lunch came up - mealtime was one of the times the narc liked to torture me, you know, "you pick, I always decide what we're going to eat" and then letting me go from A to Z and tell me "I'm not in the mood for that" or "that's what I had for lunch or "that upsets my stomach" until I got around to what he really wanted. Of course, this was his psycho way of letting me think I had a say in the matter.

I told my therapist while we were discussing food, the thought of going to lunch with anyone and them with him crossed my mind,just. The bad part of it was that as soon as the thought occurred, I immediately started thinking if he had ever mentioned his favorite food or restaurant so I could make sure we had what he wanted. I was telling him this and he said I have a "concentration camp mentality". I'd just never heard anyone call it that before. Do whatever it takes to survive I guess.

My therapist said it's part of the detox and it's a matter of time. Just wondering if anyone has or is going through this and has found a way to fill the void or is this just something I'm going to have to wait out.

I've never posted much and this is the first time I've posted in a few months (I think) and am suddenly feeling this overwhelming hatred for him and so much pity for myself. God, what a merry-go-round!

Dec 8 - 12AM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

To Lisa's suggestion I'll

To Lisa's suggestion I'll add the idea of a brief period of medication. I have always had ADD, and am pretty sure it is trauma related. I will walk out in front of a car. I go into a hole and shut out the world. I also got very depressed, like, clinical depression in that second year after I ended the relationship. I probably just NOTICED it, I doubt it just hit me then. I had to go to a "free clinic" because I had no money or job (couldn't have worked in the shape I was in, I would have killed someone, I'm an RN) and the doc put me on Celexa. I was actively looking for work and working on myself, but when those antidepressants kicked in it was like everything went up from there. My brain chemistry had gotten so habituated to "numbing out" so I could survive. The meds rebalanced the serotonin and though I still had work to do, the work I DID do . . . actually made a difference. No more spinning my wheels. I was kind of lucky that the first med worked so well. I had no side effects except that I started SLEEPING at night :D instead of waking up a million times and feeling tired during the day. My shrink suggested I take it for about another year then gradually taper off. He thinks I'm doing great but is being conservative, which is fine. I think seven years living in that kind of oppression did do something to my brain chemistry? I can't imagine 28 years. They really helped me. I never felt "high" or weird. Just my experience, though :)
Dec 7 - 10PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Loss of Focus=Cognitive Dissonance

Nonnie - Yes, you are experiencing Cognitive Dissonance right now as you try to depgrogram from him. Here's a link that explains it: http://www.vainencounters.com/2010/12/07/cognitive-dissonance-leads-obsessive-thoughts It's also important to understand Stockholm Syndrome, which is what I think your therapist meant by "concentration type mentality." Stockholm Syndrome is a term used to describe a psychological phenomenon where hostages bond with their captors. The syndrome is named after the Norrmalmstorg robbery of Kreditbanken at Norrmalmstorg in Stockholm where bank robbers held bank employees hostage from August 23 to August 28, 1973. In this case, the victims became emotionally attached to their captors and even defended them after they were released. The term “Stockholm Syndrome” was coined by the criminologist and psychiatrist Nils Bejerot who assisted the police during the robbery. Frank Ochberg originally defined it to aid in the management of hostage situations and describes it as: “A primitive gratitude for the gift of life.” There is still debate as to what specific factors contribute to the development of Stockholm syndrome, but the goal of every abuser is the same – to ensure the victim becomes reliant and dependent on them for survival. Continued contact between the perpetrator and the hostage, a long duration before resolution and emotional abuse vs. physical abuse are key components. These same components are at play when in a long-term relationship with a narcissist, which helps explain why it’s so difficult to disconnect from the narcissist and establish NO CONTACT. Narcissists know this all too well. They often isolate us from our family and friends so we become more dependent on them. As discussed earlier, they use various methods of coercion, including gaslighting to cause us to doubt ourselves and become reliant on them. Stockholm Syndrome makes it very hard for us to break off contact with our ex. Because they have brainwashed us to be reliant on them for survival and the truth, we are afraid to be on our own. They have conditioned us to believe we can’t live without them and it takes a long time for us to finally realize we are actually better off on our own. It is for this reason support forums like ours at are so important when coming out of a relationship with a narcissist. We need to deprogram from them and talk to others who understand what we’re going through. No one understands like those who have been through it themselves and the support we give one another in breaking free and maintaining No Contact is critical. Hang in there. You can and will deprogram in time, Nonnie. We're here for you and know what you're going through. xoxo
Dec 7 - 10PM
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

Absolutely

Glad you brought this up because lately I've wondered if i wasn't having the onset of senility or something. It is a very scary thing. It has happened in small ways, like driving along and suddenly not being able to recognize where I am for a moment along a path I take all the time. The worst though has been recently, finally becoming a disaster this weekend, when I realized I was just not focusing while I was driving somewhere and at the end of one night I hit a brick mailbox in my neighborhood and totaled my car. For the life of me I don't know what happened for that instant that I was just distracted. The night that it happened was the weekend a year ago when the exN gave me a ring as an engagement ring. I didn't think it was having any effect on me but I was seemingly unable to just focus. I seemed to be spacing out in the weirdest and most unexplainable way. Now I get to pay for it again, having to replace my car when I can least afford to. He is the gift that just keeps giving:( You're not alone in this. almostlydia

almostlydia

Dec 7 - 9PM
Jean
Jean's picture

you could be anxious

Anxiety can cause lack of attention and concentration. It seems likely since you have just gotten out of long, traumatic relationship. I am not an MD but was on an SSRI for depression (Lexapro) for a couple of years and it really helped with anxiety. When I got off it, I did not depressed again but some of the anxiety symptoms came back and I had some trouble focusing, too. Then I slowly started to feel better. Just a thought. Best of luck to you and congratulations on starting a new life!
Dec 7 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

yep

I had to get back on Zoloft. I was forgetting everything. I had tension in my jaws. My skin was breaking out (and I have never had skin problems) I got boils. From time to time I would feel paranoid about ridiculous things. You name it. I feel like I have been a tightly wound rubberband and I am only now beginning to unravel from it all.