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Another Newbie!

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#1 Dec 3 - 1AM
Journey
Journey's picture

Another Newbie!

Hi everyone, I have been reading, reading, reading... this is my first post. Silly me, I signed up about two weeks ago and I was waiting for an email to tell me I was approved to join which didn't come (or I didn't see). So tonight I finally decided to just try to log on and it worked - yea! (it didn't the first time I tried after I first signed up). Thank you for accepting me - lol!

I too am in recovery mode after surviving a two year romantic relationship with a narcissist. Like so many others here, I was D&D'd at the end rather quickly and completely.

It has been 16 months since he left and the most emotionally difficult and depressing time in my life. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever believe in love again.

I only discovered that he is likely a narc about two months ago and since then the ah-ha moments have kept coming as I read more and more about this disorder.

I loved him so much and I still love the man I thought he was and miss the friend I thought he was, though with this new perspective, I'm realizing now how 'unreal' it all likely is.

There is so much more to tell and one day soon I will post my whole 'story' where it belongs in the forum.

This website has been a life saver - thanks!
I'm so glad I found you all!

Dec 3 - 4PM
StillHurting
StillHurting's picture

Welcome!

I am new here, too. You will see many of us have had similar things happen with the men, and we knew no better. We do now. I think you will find this helpful.
Dec 3 - 9AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Hi, Journey!

I love your name . . . . I'm so glad you're here. I literally believe I would have killed myself if I hadn't found this board. I really did start to think it was me who was insane. Yes, please post your story as soon as you feel up to it. Meanwhile, read as many of our stories as you can. It will definitely show you how creepily and horribly similar these deeply disturbed people are and give you the confidence to stay the path.
Dec 3 - 2PM (Reply to #8)
Journey
Journey's picture

Thanks Helldweller

I had never in my life felt suicidal until this experience. I could never actually do that to the people I care about, but I still struggle with a depressed feeling of apathy about my life now. I had always been fairly optimistic and hopeful about life and love, which now comes to me only as a fleeting glimpse from time to time. For so long I thought I was the one who was crazy. I couldn't understand why I still cared so much for someone who obviously didn't care back. I went over it time and again in my head - what did I do wrong? Was I really expecting too much of him? Was I really too needy? Was I just incapable of being happy in a relationship? Was I really so unlovable? I felt like I was losing it so often during the first year after he left - until I discovered narcissism. I'm so grateful, because even though my closest friends would tell me it wasn't my fault, that my reactions were normal and I did nothing wrong, I was so brainwashed into believing he was the one who was whole and I was the one who was lacking somehow. Journey on...

Journey on...

Dec 3 - 7AM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

Welcome Journey....

When you feel up to it, make sure you post your story in the Share Your Story section. It is very cathartic. I too was involved with an N for 2 yrs and I too still miss him (or as you said, miss what I thought he was). Feel free to post whenever you like or simply continue reading. You will find that over time, you will see many commonalities between the N you were dating and other victims Ns. Oh, and if you haven't yet journalled about your experience with the N, that is also a very worthwhile task as it will reveal things that you may have overlooked or wanted to sweep under the rug. Glad you found this forum.
Dec 3 - 1PM (Reply to #6)
Journey
Journey's picture

Writing

I have been writing in my journal, putting the memories of my story together. I read on one of these forums about making a list of all the 'bad' or 'confusing' things that happened in order to see the truth of it because I had only been thinking of the good things I was missing for so long and that was keeping me stuck in a sad place. So, I've been adding just a few things almost every night as they come back to me and so far there are several pages compiled of things he said or did that at the time either hurt or confused me, other things which I see now were likely red flags which I overlooked and also many of his reactions or behaviors that looking back I can see now was very narc-like. After doing this, my story is making more sense to me and that is making the telling of it less overwhelming in my mind. When I first tried to write it previously, I didn't know how to express it as a short story instead of a novel - lol! Journey on...

Journey on...

Dec 3 - 2AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Welcome Newbie!

It's three a.m. in my neck of the woods and I'm just about toast...but wanted to say hello...and you've come to the right place... Get it out, vent, purge... Not many on the outside really really really understand what a battle this is. Hugs!
Dec 3 - 4AM (Reply to #2)
Journey
Journey's picture

Thanks for your welcome!

It's getting way late for me now as well, but I want to thank you Michele115 for welcoming me. Just since posting here and posting just now in another thread, I'm feeling better already, just to be able to relate to you all who I know do understand. My best friends try to, but they don't really and for their sakes, I hope they never do. Hugs back at ya! Journey on...

Journey on...

Dec 3 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Journey

welcome. Your so right about friends. They try but unless they have been there, they can not fully understand us. Although, they can support us initially. I chose not to tell many of people what is happened. Congrats on being free. Learning about this is so life changing.
Dec 3 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
Journey
Journey's picture

Telling people

Hi blueeyes, I agree about not telling many people... when I first discovered the connection of him to NPD it was a light bulb moment that lasted several weeks and I wanted to tell everyone - lol. I quickly realized that only my closest friends could actually validate my discovery and the few friends I told who didn't know what I really went through could try to be supportive, but I found myself explaining way too much. Now, unless it comes up naturally, I don't feel the need to tell those friends for validation - I feel it just makes me look obsessed and unhealthy, and my few closest friends who can see the truth of it, really they just don't want to hear about it anymore. They want to see me get on with my life, to get over him finally and forget about him... much easier said than done, as I know everyone here does truly understand. Thanks all! Journey on...

Journey on...