A 'small' vent

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#1 Dec 2 - 1PM

desprathousewife

A 'small' vent

For those that know my story and what happened with OW a couple of weeks ago re OW verbally abusing my daughter in her place of work, I'd appreciate some further advise.

I was out again in our local town last friday evening. SHE was out too, for the first time as far as I'm aware. My first worry was 'would he be out too?'. Thank goodness, he wasn't! She was with a single friend (she doesn't have many, most people steer clear as she is known for causing trouble and picking fights). Since going back out (after the conclusion of the trial) I have had a LOT of support from people I know and hardly know. They have all heard about what happened and have been outraged and been really supportive :)

I could feel the OW staring at me....a lot. A few of my friends even commented. She seemed to appear in every pub we went to and even followed me outside when I went for a cigarette. Luckily I was stood with a group of guys I knew chatting when she appeared. She was alone and stood directly opposite me as if waiting for the opportunity to speak to me WTF???? My friends saw her follow me out and came out to join me, at this point she left immediately.

I had to leave early as I had work the next morning and just as I was saying my goodbyes a young guy who was a little worse for wear accidentally knocked her. She lashed out at him with such fury she nearly knocked the poor guy off his feet and as she f'd and blinded at him she glanced across at me with a look of pure evil on her face, it was quite unnerving to be honest.

My friend's walked me to the taxi and I got home safely, but I've been wondering about it ever since. She is usually with HIM on a friday night. I know he hates not being able to go out lately, knowing I'm out will make him even worse. I wonder if maybe he sent her out to test the water, which is what a few people have suggested, in which case I may be running into him soon :( He'd told his friend that he would never go in the local town again, but I guess that means nothing!

My other thought was that they had fallen out, but then WHY the venom. I'm no threat to her surely?

I feel like this is never going to end sometimes. I refuse to stay in any longer. I did for 14 weeks, but it is my local town, I have a lot of friends and have done nothing wrong.

Thanks for listening to this (started out small) medium vent.

#2 Dec 2 - 2PM

Used

dhousewife

i could be wrong i know, but when she had a go at your daughter, do you remember me saying he wouldnt be pleased with her, i believe this is what its about, she has gone home to him proud as punch, bragging about your d, and he has gone mad... cos ITS ALL ABOUT HIM. he doesnt care one jot for her, but he cares about him, in his head her behavior could repreccusions and he cant afford any more trouble, i bet they have been rowing since the night that happened with your d, and so cos she wont "BLAME HIM", for anything ,you have now become this cheeky pratts target. in away i think you should have gone to police about her and your daughter....she is a fucking pest and going to continue to be.... if she intimadates you or your family again, go back to police...

#3 Dec 2 - 2PM (Reply to #17)

desprathousewife

Thanks used

I'm not sure. That incident was a few weeks ago and she has been at his since. Although you could be right. I just feel he won't dnd her while she is his ONLY source of supply, much as he might want to. It's definately worth concidering though :) I did go to the police re her and the incident with my daughter tho. It is all documented you will be pleased to hear. I hope she is a fucking pest and no more. It just seems she's building up to something here GRRRR.

#4 Dec 2 - 2PM (Reply to #18)

Used

dhw

so glad you went to police, and i think there is your answer, i think they know ,he has told her to keep away from you, big time!!!, so she takes it out on the poor sod outside the pub. you see i had samish thing when i was with narc, me and him had a big fallout, he told a woman FREIND of his, and would you believe she came looking for me, she pulled me on it..i wont go into what took place.lol. but months after she tracked me down to apologies, then told me she thought narc would be pleased she had a go at me...HE WASENT, he kept screaming at her, what have you done you stupid ::::. turns out he was terrified ah bless.. he stayed at a friends house for 5mnths he just disappeared, so thats why i think this..

#5 Dec 2 - 2PM (Reply to #19)

desprathousewife

I think you misunderstood?

I think you misunderstood? She WAS hanging around all night, following me, lurking, waiting for an opportunity to get me on my own. She WANTED to have something out with me, she only took it out on that poor guy cos she NEVER had the chance with me and knew I was going? This is a guy that took pleasure in seeing two women fight over him when I met him. Although it was all one sided, she caught me completely off guard and when I stood up to her she backed down immediately. I threaten this woman for some unknown reason else she wouldn't be doing all this. She should be happy with the situation, I've left and she's with him, giving her more than she's probably ever had from him due to the circumstances. She should be thanking me NOT persecuting me!

#6 Dec 2 - 2PM (Reply to #27)

blueeyes

Ah, she would...

be thanking you if she was normal. She has proved to be a bully by what she did at your daughters job. Come on,these ppl are adults? You know why you threaten her! Your everything she isn't and she knows he is with her by default. IDK, who knows what he tells her?

#7 Dec 2 - 2PM (Reply to #20)

Used

dhw

its b/c she has him by default, otherwise he would still be with you if he hadnt attacked you, she knows he still wants you , i didnt misunderstand i guessed she wanted a word with you but there was people with you all the time.. she wants to say stay away from himb/c she knows you would only have to click your fingers and he would come back, a woman knows when her b/f wants someone else.. he would drop her in a heartbeat for you and she knows it.. when narcs real g/f came to tell me they were in a relationship, she was so cocky and stroppy and sure of herself, but he came looking for me to tell me she is lying yada yada.....she wont even make eye contact with me now, cos she knows now i could get him back anytime, but her purpose in telling me was to get him away from me it didnt work...

#8 Dec 2 - 3PM (Reply to #21)

desprathousewife

I'm so glad your N's cocky

I'm so glad your N's cocky g/f got her come-uppance. I hate any woman who takes any pleasure from rubbing another woman's nose in it. That really is the lowest of the low. Sorry I thought you'd misunderstood, I just have trouble getting my head around her animosity. She has no need to tell me to stay away from him. Jeez I had to fight for my restraining order and I'm sticking with it till death do us part! lol...or at least for the 2 and a half years that it spans :) I guess I never gave a second thought to him still wanting me. I know he kept apologising and professing his undying love for me after the assault. That was for the purpose of getting me drop the charges against him tho right? Why after I've given him a criminal record, got a RO and cost him dearly would he even entertain any hope of a reconcilliation with me. These guys don't LOVE as we do, I should be well out of his thoughts by now surely, especially re getting me back?

#9 Dec 3 - 6AM (Reply to #22)

desprathousewife

Hey used :)

Thanks for your great advise on this post yesterday :) Don't spose if you have a minute you could answer the question I asked you above. That thought never occured to me. In my mind the psychotic pair of em have been having a whale of a time hating me and planning revenge. Gee I'm SOOOOO pessimistic and paranoid lately. Not that the option is particularly appealing, but it makes me feel a safer :)

#10 Dec 3 - 7AM (Reply to #23)

Used

dhw

hi, b/c i was married to anarc for 31yrs and then the other narc for 5, you pick up pointers, so tho i dont mean ime right, i going by my own experience. in there backward way of thinking, yes you got him arrested so you stood up to him[on some level he respects you for that. iknow i know] how mad that sounds].. in the ending of my marriage, i done some realy shitty things to my husband,after we were divorced he wanted to stay freinds, so i did DUH...but i spoke of the things i had done and said to him....i wouldnt still want to be friends with me,what do i have to do to make you stay away and give up, he said, its not like that[i am crying as i write this], its how you have the balls to carry something thru to the bitter end, its my admiration for you that keeps me tied to you.. he said you have balls of steel and i havent[we were freinds for 12 years after divorce]he still came round took me shopping so so, i found out this year he has been in a relationship for 10 years] i didnt have a clue..when i said why didnt he tell me, i told him about narc they said cos he hasent got the balls.. my point is they loved strength, princled, woman[cos they are none of these things]i wouldnt like to be myexh,s g/f or your narcs g/f, they are second best and they know it. forget them having a whale of a time, she wouldnt be so threatened by you if she knew he was hers and hers alone...she knows she is not and never will be... i know how cockeyed it all sounds, but i hit my narc once in front of people right in the face..and left, he found me 3days later and said..WAIT FOR IT, i love you[first time he had said it], i said are you insane,why are you even talking to me still, he said b/c you have had the balls to do what none of those other w will do or have done... i love that you wont be cowered or intimadated.. dhw, if he [i believe] could get back with you he would in a heartbeat...i believe this...you stood up to him and you are the first to do itxxxxx

#11 Dec 3 - 2PM (Reply to #24)

desprathousewife

Wow

No wonder you are so knowledgable and insightful. 36 years in total, in wedlock to 2 narcs. Used, you deserve some sort of medal! I understand completely why they wouldn't want to lose you. Considering most narcs seem incapable of long term relationships, you must be one hell of a woman :)....sorry I made you remember stuff that made you cry :( for your exh to keep another woman from you for 10 years? Jeez, these guys are unfuckingbelievable! I've been dwelling on this most of the day, in between digging me damned car out of the snow. He'd blow up on me sometimes for the stupidest things, yell at me for getting in his way or not doing things right. At first I'd just walk out, say nothing and think 'that's it, this guy aint right in the head'. I NEVER contacted him after any of his episodes and he always ended up contacting me and worming his way back in. I ended up just thinking he's a nasty bastard SOMETIMES, but I can put up with that, as long as the good outweighed the bad. The funny thing is he never ONCE put me down, never told me anything derogatory about my appearance or my personality (apart from I talk too much lol). His outbursts were always aimed AT me, but not ABOUT me if you know what I mean? About stuff like putting too much butter on his bread, smoking too much, his food being too hot or too cold. Silly stuff, the bigger outburts were when he caused me physical pain, like his shed roof falling on me accidentally and him standing on my hand and screaming and yelling about me being no help or in the way. Those were the occasions when I held back my tears and walked. Always thinking that was the final straw. You hitting yours in the face in public, reminds me of one night when I threw a drink over mine in a pub one night. He damned well deserved it obviously and if looks could have killed....well lol. He did the exact same as yours, told me he loved me a few days later. I thought I'd never see him again after doing that. Very weird. Thanks Used, you've given me some serious food for thought, and I guess if I'm being honest an ego stroke LOL. Even though he's blown it, if he really would have me back in a heartbeat, then its not ME who is the biggest loser in all this. Does that make sense? I feel quite honoured now, that you think I'm in a similar league to you. Sorry again for triggering you ((((((huge hugs)))))))

#12 Dec 3 - 2PM (Reply to #25)

Used

dhw

its ok, it wasent you who triggered me, it wasent.. honestly. i always knew i was out of their league. so did they, funny thing i never called myexh a loser[tho he was], but i did call narc it towards the end...and he sent me a text saying, i know you were right all along about me biegn a loser, its only now i know what i have lost..... i didnt even answer it you were never the LOSER, and thats why he envys your strength ...he knows he is a loser they all know they arexxx

#13 Dec 3 - 2PM (Reply to #26)

desprathousewife

Phew

I don't like making people cry. Although the thought of making HIM cry quite appeals :) Funny, when I'd walk away and he'd be trying to win me back he always texted stuff like I was too good for him and deserved someone better. Well he was right I DO, and so do YOU and ALL OF US HERE! I'd still give anything to go back and have the him I THOUGHT he was though GRRRRRRRRR You're a real GEM :) xxx

#14 Dec 2 - 1PM

Briseis

Despy . . . I'd be pretty

Despy . . . I'd be pretty unnerved by this :( I get a bad feeling about her. By your description of her behavior, standing in front of you (WTF does she have to say to YOU??) and then when she reacted violently with the guy who bumped into her. She sounds dangerous. Let's not attribute any logic to her thinking, OK? What she has against you has no basis in reality because she is a NUTJOB. And by her behavior, it doesn't take much at all for her to conclude that a great crime has been committed to her, one where she has to fight tooth and claw. Let's not fly off into a panic. Is she an "old timer" around your parts? Like for years? Has she ever been known to use a weapon? I'd go to the cop shop and tell them about this incident. And you know what I'd do, to make sure the cops pay ATTENTION to me? I'd . . . embellish the details a bit. Stress the aggression directed at you personally. Don't make stuff UP, but emphasize it. I would want the cops to tell me, if possible, if she has a history of coming to THEIR attention with violence. If that is the case . . . you have a real problem :(

#15 Dec 2 - 1PM (Reply to #13)

desprathousewife

I am Bri

Always have been re her. She was in an abusive relationship before. A long term one. Guy has a right reputation in these parts. Someone I was talking to on that evening even told me a friend of his had dated her and she dumped him because he was too NICE. Said she liked bad guys and 'to be knocked around a bit' CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT???? I was feeling sorry for this woman a few weeks ago WTF? I feel like the police will be sick of the sight of me. I reported her abusing my daughter the other week. I asked them to document it and not speak to her. I feel like you, she is a DANGEROUS woman. Not sure bout her past. I'm hoping as she has a daughter and grandson living with her that that may keep her in check to some extent. Have to tell you that while I was still seeing N last summer, her toddler grandson was wandering naked with a pair of scissors on the front lawn otside her house whilst she was chatting on phone paying no attention. My daughter filled me in and that chilled me to the bone in itself. I'm hoping if the police have anything on her they will be extra vigilant on my behalf. I'm on red alert again though but DETERMINED to keep my social life open!

#16 Dec 2 - 2PM (Reply to #14)

Briseis

I hear you and agree :)

I hear you and agree :) Nothing in life is safe . . . just keep your eyeballs open for her, it sounds like you have a superb group of supportive friends. I know "hoping" when there is a hint of violence is stupid, let's hope anyway that if you give her NO attention whatsoever, make no eye contact, and if she does come at you, you respond with cool, calm politeness. Make yourself seem very strong but very nonthreatening. This is a "tactic" we are taught in psychiatry to de-escalate a patient who is gonna go off. Most of the time, people who go off just want to be LISTENED to. This is far from fool proof, but we're talking about percentages here :) . You know what to do if it gets worse. In the meantime, remember the "drama" is still kind of peaking in your life? It's "early" on. Time takes care of a LOT of stuff, even with whackjobs :)

#17 Dec 2 - 2PM (Reply to #15)

desprathousewife

Thanks Briseis

This time thing is starting to get on my nerves. It's hard enough getting over what has happened without all this ADDED pressure :( I agree I must be cool calm and collected, I've been on the receiving end of this woman's violence once before, as soon as I stood up to her she backed down instantly. The stakes are different now though and that is waht worries me. I have no idea what has been going on between them since my assault. I know he has needed her supply, although tried to keep it a secret from me. I'm still not sure if he actually knows I KNOW about them. I have to think about this from so many different angles. One thing I DO know, and it gives me comfort...I looked GOOD on friday night, had lots of people chatting to me, complementing me and supporting me, I held my head high and smiled and laughed, I would say pretended to have fun, but I actually DID have fun (apart from her putting a damper on things). She on the other hand, was with one friend. They were apart and seemed alienated. My friends said she had a permanent scowl on her face (nothing new there, I've never seen her smile). I guess I thought that now she had what she wanted she would be happy as larry. She either hasnt got what she wanted, or else is incapable of being happy! Who knows. I do know I'm certainly not willing to LISTEN to anything she has to say right now, if ever.

#18 Dec 2 - 1PM

Briseis

double post

...

#19 Dec 2 - 1PM

desprathousewife

Grrrr sorry Blue that wasnt a vent was it?

Ok, I HATE that the guy I was in love with beat the f*ck out of me for no reason. That I have had to make my home like fort knox since for fear of what he may do to me. That he is now with a woman who assaulted me the first night I met him. That they live around the corner from me, that wherever I go I have to pass HER house, that she abused my innocent daughter. That I can have no peace of mind. That the pair of em scare the f*ck out of me. That I want to move on without them in my life. That they are making that downright impossible for me to do. That she will be sleeping in the bed WE bought together, albeit infrequently. That he has my 5 grand cooker to cook on and my all my garden furniture. That I've had to grow eyes in the back of my head. That I still dream about him, and now her. That I'm frightened of meeting anyone else in the future in case he flips. That I'm crying now. That I can't see a END to this nightmare. sorry :(

#20 Dec 2 - 1PM (Reply to #9)

blueeyes

Stop apologizing...

because you have done nothing wrong here! :D Do you feel better? Maybe later you will? I hope. Let me tell you that I am soo sorry and you know you don't deserve this. I want to share something of my personal thoughts...I was feeling great! Then, I wasn't, that's normal, we have been told that. I think that I have a bit of Stockholm syndrome? Of course i know the broad meaning and I have NOT researched because I am not ready to face this fear. YET! I say yet because I know I will. I think there comes a time for when we just slowly feel better. This is horrible and I feel you on every level. Your friends seem supportive and that's a luxury. I chose not to tell, I don't wanna be bothered. I hate all of this as much as you do. I have physical symptoms and I am sick from his toxic vibes. I will read up on Stockholm syndrome and see if I am right, but NOT NOW, I am trying to pace myself. When something (ANYTHING) doesn't make me feel right I stop! It doesn't matter what it is. I think this is part of the grown up me? Again, I am thinking aloud so no one shoot me. Crap, I hate to have to say that?

#21 Dec 2 - 2PM (Reply to #10)

desprathousewife

Thanks Blue

Is Stockholm Syndrome the same as trauma bonding, cos if it is I know what you mean :( This support system I have is only in place cos I was assaulted remember. They saw it in the local paper and they are supporting me re that. They don't know the half of it. But they make me feel safer when I'm out. A few guys have threatened to do him over should he dare to come out again. Don't know whter that would make me feel better or worse to be honest, but they do make me feel safer when they are around, just in case ya know! I know what you mean with the holding back on unsettling stuff. I keep doing it too. I do the I'll deal with that when I'm stronger, or I've got enough to deal with right now. I'll let that go till I can't any longer. Guess it has to be done at some time, and thanks to you I'm on here getting this out now. Instead of bottling it up any longer. Me and you will do that whole Stockholme thing together when we feel up to it...DEAL?

#22 Dec 2 - 1PM (Reply to #2)

desprathousewife

That if he could see the

That if he could see the state he'd got me into right now he'd LOVE IT and feed off it for fucking eternity. Thank goodness he can't. I won't EVER let him know the extent to which he's hurt me, and carries on hurting me...EVER! The absolute piece of shit. I did everything, was everthing I could be for him. I'm gonna make him pay. I'll get strong again. STRONGER than before. I'll be SO fucking happy it'll make him sick to his stomache. Sorry Mich, I won't EVER be able to pity him for what he's done, not in a squillion years!!!!!!!

#23 Dec 2 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

blueeyes

:)

Because your getting it out. I like to see you happy. I agree with Bri, she is a hot ass mess!

#24 Dec 2 - 2PM (Reply to #4)

desprathousewife

Errr Blue, I wasn't happy

Errr Blue, I wasn't happy writing that, I was livid damnit! I'm laughing now though! LOL

#25 Dec 2 - 2PM (Reply to #5)

blueeyes

lol...

IDK exactly if I want to even describe Stockholm :( IDK, it's a weird thing, like when I realized what HE IS. I couldn'tlook? I'll figure it out. My point here is not that you have it too tho..It's that we all do things inour own time. You don't have to be funny or encouraging all the time. Fact is, we are not, we are sad, livid and "whatever" else our brains will allow us to be. Make sense? lol XOXO

#26 Dec 2 - 2PM (Reply to #6)

desprathousewife

Well if you need any HELP

Well if you need any HELP figuring it out, I'm here :) That's what friends are for right. So give me a shout when you are ready! I'm trying to show my sad, livid 'whatever' side. When I do I always feel better, and I am now. I am just so used to giving and trying to cheer people up, the rest I usually bottle up cos I think it doesn't become me. I can't always deal with these things alone though. It's good that I break occasionally. I woke up this morning with the weight of the world on my shoulders and it has eased substancially as the day has gone on. Mostly due to seeing a message from you and getting my ass back on here :)

#27 Dec 2 - 3PM (Reply to #7)

blueeyes

Whatta ya do?

Sometimes, ya gotta be slapped awake and only real friends will do that. I'm so glad your back. Shhot mean email about the syndrome, maybe it will HELP? lol..I'm ready, of course I will book mark it and wait til I am alone sad. lol. No more bottled ups? k?

#28 Dec 3 - 6AM (Reply to #8)

desprathousewife

Great slap Blue, it woke me

Great slap Blue, it woke me up ;) Sent you a me-mail :0 Hope you like the added extra LOL I feel a lot better today thanks to you lot :) Love you all :) :)

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