Hmmmm - We're Angry and We're Hurt and We Can't Live with these guys BUT...

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Dec 1 - 8PM (Reply to #18)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Can someone help me?

Understand if the post about last night (above) was all about? What was I balling for? Is the contact and the reality of HIS broken self and how I must stay firm? I'm pretty confused about if I handled this situation properly? Michelle you answered already. I'm looking for an opinion. Was he "trying to make sense of himself? Was he manipulating me? I wrote earlier what my gut told me that he saw me and it was ONLY what he felt at the moment. I think I was mourning/hurting from the fact he cannot understand or see. He begged me as I stood blank. It was painful. Thanks.
Dec 1 - 7AM (Reply to #6)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Blue

You can't back down and you can't feel pity but to help come to terms... That might have been the truth It could have been manipulation I think they are really trapped in their own bodies I don't think they enjoy it I don't think they understand it I don't think they can understand it Their behavior is hurtful but our society hasn't evolved enough and there is no money to study this I don't think it's evil - I think it's an illness a dangerous one but it's the sickness of their mind... You can't help him and right now doctors can't either But as much as it hurts, try to come to peace with it It's almost like they're wild animals that can't be tamed...YET.
Dec 1 - 7AM (Reply to #7)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Michelle...

I didn't back down, I won't say I didn't feel pity because I DID. The fact that "it may have been manipulation" was the reason the pity left me. I won't lie, I felt the love and the pity and the shitty fact that he may "want to understand why". I will never know because he is SO SICK and I CAN'T help. So, there goes the whole "sickness and health" in my vows. Then again, when I vowed i vowed to an illusion. Bleh, it makes me sad yet pisses me off all in one package. The fact is that I deserve a partner that will bring out the best in me. Not need me to pick up scripts, work full time, buy everything for him and the family, get rage when I have a need, god forbid. So, I cried for 10 minutes mourning the ILLNESS. I cannot have NC at all because of the baby. He normally drops off and I send the teenager out to get the baby. They were not home and the dog was out so he brought the dog in. BAM. Contact. IDK if I handled it properly but I didn't respond. So, I guess that's acheiving minimal contact? I am still new. lol
Dec 1 - 7AM (Reply to #8)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Blue

I think you handled it fine and it is a process...all pity must be had a a FAAAARRRR DISTANCE. Sickness and Health Vows...I think God understands... Put it in his hands and save yourselves as in you and the KIDS. Ask for Peace and maybe a cure someday...
Dec 1 - 6PM (Reply to #17)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Far, far away!!!!

I remember my mother telling me about the ex-P "let God be God" (no, it didn't mean the ex-P was God, but that the matter was in God's hands) Neurologically, psychopaths and autistics are eerily similar. Their brains are more unified than those of normal people- hence the compartmentalization and rituals. When I taught the autistic student in Oregon, I was able to be understanding and compassionate with him after what I had been through. Doesn't let the ex-P off the hook. Not at all. It's like autism. Be far away, pray for a cure.
Dec 1 - 8AM (Reply to #9)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Michelle....

I saved me and the kids. I am staying stong, I know that he is unecceptable. I also didn't mean to act sad about my vows. Shoot, I am not religious. I just meant that I vowed that and it was phony. When it comes to PDI'S the whole "sickness and health" doesn't apply. :) Question: Did I pity from a far distance? Waiting til he left to ball out? Is that what you mean by far distance?
Dec 1 - 8AM (Reply to #10)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Blue

Miss Blueeyes - first lets get real...one tuffy to anotha.. If you were sad about your vows...is that a BAD thing? I don't think so. If you were sad about any of this would that be abnormal? Would that make you weak?...like Brie says, that would make you HUMAN...LOL oh some days I wish I was a Narc... Whatever place you made your "promise" is that a better word? You don't have to be religious to keep the promise...you made a promise in sickness and in health - however, one or maybe both of you did not know there was an illness lurking that neither one of you could handle, control, cure or deal with. I don't think it was phony on YOUR Part. On his part, the Jury isn't out either way - we don't know if they are slime sucking, manipulative SOB's and CAN CONTROL IT or NOT...so we can only go by what we know and the information changes as new developments and studies occur. For our safety, peace of mind, sanity, well being - this PARTICULAR sickness/health cannot apply you are right on target with that. What is far distance? Far distance can be 2 inches away but you're not affected. The emotional far distance. Physical helps, but what I am trying to make clear is that while I am advocating understanding that this is an illness, it is not to be confused or used as a reason to continue to have contact or involvement trying to "help" this sick soul for we don't have the tools - YET and we may not in this lifetime. BUT for OUR healing - try to see this from a more "humane" perspective? The anger, the outrage, all of it is hurtful to us. If we see it in a different light it might be helpful to US. I am emphasizing this so much on this post because others read it as well, and I don't want it misunderstood that we should now don our Florence Nightengale caps and start lobbying for funds to find a cure so we can have our relationships back...LOL
Dec 1 - 8AM (Reply to #11)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

I misplaced my Florence Nightengale Cap DAMMIT

You are too funny. I know exactly what your saying. I know I saw he was "off" but SICK and broken, NO I did not know that when I vowed "sickness and health". Shit, if I had I wouldn't have said the word HEALTH because there is none, ya know? One tuffy to anotha, I am not sad about the vows. I was sad about the illness. That's why I cried last night. Some may say "he tried to manipulate you and made you feel bad so you would let him come home." And they may be right! I have no way of knowing if he is "stuck on why and needing help?" My gut (key word) says today, "He was wondering why the moment he saw me and maybe 1 hour tops after he left. Today, he won't. He will live for his needs today and that is not ok with me." So? "understanding that this is an illness, it is not to be confused or used as a reason to continue to have contact or involvement trying to "help" this sick soul for we don't have the tools" I know and agree yet, sad sometimes about it, and like you said "that's ok." I was in love with nothing after a 12 year loveless marriage. I can be sad at times but it doesn't ruin my ability to see "reality." One thing is true "I am becoming a realist". Actually, I think I always was a realist and I am finally free to think for myself so I see it now is all, people call it stubborn. Whatta ya gonna do?
Dec 1 - 9AM (Reply to #12)
better off
better off's picture

I think you hit the nail on

I think you hit the nail on the head! You vowed sickness and health, and there WAS NO HEALTH! What a great point to make. You didn't take a vow to be with a sickness. It was false premises to begin with, and you couldn't know that. Do you remember when Renee Zellwegger was briefly married to Kenny Chesney? And then she got an annulment based on "Fraud." I find that interesting. A lot of people speculated that it was because he was gay, but now that I've been thru the Narc wringer, I think it was otherwise. He wrote some song about You Had Me At Hello just from seeing her in Jerry Maguire! Then he finally met her, blah blah, the whole episode sounded like the typical idealization phase, they had a whirlwind courtship and married on the beach, and then I think she found out she married someone else entirely. Fraud.
Dec 1 - 10AM (Reply to #13)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Oh good, back on track, TY!

I really am questioning this today? IDK why? I feel there was no health in those vows, the vows had the word sickness tho:( Should they change to to "certain" sickness and health? lol. Fraud? I had no idea this happened between Renee Zellwegger and Kenny Chesney. I knew they had a quickly marriage and I vaguely remember the gay story. I did not know that she based the divorce on fraud. I saw him on my vacation to the Virgin Islands in a bar. There was only 3 other people in that bar, and stupid me, "I don't do country" had no clue who the hell he was until he left and the bartender told me. I didn't (prob still do not) have real great Narc radar, but he was quiet and lonely looking. Nice, and small talk came naturally. I wonder? So you think when we marry a PDI we are a victim of Fraud? Can I file divorce this way? Jesus, my mind is all over the place. I need a new therapist STAT. See, this is what happends when I have contact!!!
Dec 1 - 11AM (Reply to #14)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Blue

You crack me up... Let's See: In sickness and in health with the exception of certain personality disorders within the DSM including but not limited to narcissim - which may or may not be included in the updated and revised version in 2013 and or any other mental health issues which fall under the category of sociopathy or psychopathy. Depression is acceptable depending upon the severity and ED as long as it is not as a resut of a PDI do you take______ to be your lawfull wedded Husband... I think that might work...LMAO As per the question of fraud...if you can prove he was diagnosed prior to the marriage and failed to disclose I belive it could be considered fraud. Marriage is a contract entered into with a certain understanding that proper disclosures have been made prior to the union. Uh Huh...If you read my story, you'll remember, I was a divorce attorney too...
Dec 1 - 2PM (Reply to #15)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Holy shitcake Michelle

Your clause on (Vows) is hilarious. Made me laugh. I read your story, but I missed the attorney part? I will check into this, as I will represent myself. lol. Only because he took all I have. I may file for fraud even if it's not supported in my state. "Depression is acceptable depending upon the severity and ED as long as it is not as a resut of a PDI do you take______ to be your lawfull wedded Husband..." You forgot til death do us part, which he forgot to mention he is capable of. No, on second thought he did tell me that he has killed and will kill again. Of course after the vows. Fuckface!
Dec 1 - 8PM (Reply to #16)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Oh no Blue...you threw out a...

fuckface??? I haven't seen or used fuckface since '85...shoot you took me back...I've missed fuckface...forgot all about it...man these disordered ones make one drudge up some stuff hey?