Question

16 posts / 0 new

#1 Aug 11 - 12PM

courtneyj

Question

I have been writing in for a few months now. I have an ex-narc that I am getting over. I feel better actually everyday. We havent spoken which has really helped and I dont plan on communicating with him at all.

I met a man that I have known for a very long time. He is a great guy. He was married and had gotten cheated several times by this woman. We have talking and hung out a little on the weekend. I feel comfortable around him. I feel excited, to see him. I havent felt that way about someone in a long time, even people I went on dates with prior to him. He is honest about his past and present. He has told me the details of his story. I am afraid of telling him the details of mine because I do not want to scare him off.

I have written before regarding my ex and what he did. He has two children and I became extremely close with his ex wife as we shared similar stories in dealing with him. She met my new found friend this weekend and is thinking the same positive thoughts I am regarding his personality and honesty.

I am afraid of letting my guard down and trusting someone again. I have been moving on and getting back to MY life. I want to take things slow and make room for a new person eventually. I have been wanting to share my story with a man that cares for me. He seems to care. I am just afraid of telling him what went on. When do I know if I am in a safe zone with him, even if we are just friends?

Also, due to the ridiculous things that transpired between myself and my narc's ex and the friendship that was formed we are thinking about writing a book. I have only been able to type not even half of my story on this message board. I have learned a lot in my experience. I never thought people like him existed, in a bad way. The lies, deceit, and living double, triple lives absolutely shocks me. What are your thoughts/

#2 Aug 12 - 6AM

baddream

Your new friend.

I can relate to this. Sometimes meeting someone new feels great and helps you to not obsess and think so much about the N. But you must be very careful. I had a similar experience about a year ago. An ex boyfriend from 30 years ago found me on Facebook. He was "unhappily" married and we started to get together--just as friends. At first I thought he was the greatest--thinking how did I let this one go? Perhaps he sensed my vulnerability, things did move on rather quickly and we started to get involved. I want to point out that I do not think I was really seeing him clearly, in retrospect, he was filling a void that existed because I was missing N so terribly. We went out off and on for about 6 months but as time went on I started to remember why we broke up 30 years ago. Guess what--I even kept a journal 30 years ago and he was in it!! I recognized N tendencies even back then. Your guy might really be wonderful. My advice would be to go very slowly. If he makes you happy, that is terrific. Who knows, maybe you are really lucky. I am just saying to be so very careful because after being injured and put down by the narc part of us needs a boost and a new guy feels really good. Thinking of you and hoping for the very best.

#3 Aug 12 - 10AM (Reply to #15)

courtneyj

Thank you baddream

Thank you for your comments. I am only 28. I never dated this new guy. We only went to high school together and havent seen each other since. I am not what is going happen. I am going with the flow. He opened up to me about his past and present, which he was extremely hurt by. This past weekend he met my friend, (the ex narcs ex wife) and had no idea who she was. I feel I need to tell him. If not the whole story part of it. I am sick of having my guard up. I dont feel vulnerable or needy. I just miss my social life, friends in NYC, people that care for me outside of my family. I am just scared about opening up, thats all. I feel he is genuine and that what I tell him would not leave the room, but I am just scared. Who knows time will tell. I am going to start journaling and writing my book. Before I was afraid of rehashing things but I feel it will be good for me to get it out in let it go. I have already started. I just want this engagement ring to sell ASAP

My Story: http://survivorofmred.blogspot.com

#4 Aug 11 - 5PM

Carolyn

Your new friend is just

Your new friend is just that. Why tell him anything and scare him away. you married a nut, now you are free, don't tell other men anything about your ex. If you are writing a book he can buy a copy. don't put your ex's poison into this relationship. I never told anyone anything about the nut I married and it worked out much better. People don't want someone who is too damaged. You are doing great about moving on-just keep on that track and screw the nutty ex.

#5 Aug 11 - 1PM

Barbara (not verified)

slow down!

I tell everyone to PLEASE PLEASE WAIT at least 18 months before dating again. Don't be so ready to "HAVE to be in a relationship" and "not be alone." Far too many women have this 'gotta have a man' disease and predators smell it miles away! http://www.geocities.com/andifekete/inspired If this guy is decent and really likes you - he'll wait. It will take at LEAST that long to get over your issues and not sabotage the relationship. (and let's HOPE you are in therapy!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone

#6 Aug 11 - 11PM (Reply to #9)

courtneyj

response

Thank you all for your comments. I think I came off a bite wrong in what I was writing. I am a woman that can't be a lone. I know that I don't need a man to make me happy. I am in a great place with work and my social life. I am getting my life on track. My meeting of this guy was very serendipitous. I don't need or want a relationship. I want a friendship. I like the feeling I have when I know I am going to see this person. That's nice but by no means am I ready for a serious relationship. I just want to know if I am safe to open up to him?

My Story: http://survivorofmred.blogspot.com

#7 Aug 12 - 7AM (Reply to #11)

finallydone

My two cents

Hey CourtneyJ, I thought your post was very interesting. I'm staying far far away from men for quite awhile... but what you wrote has crossed my mind. How do you ever explain what happened to somebody else, especially when you're ready to open up. And like you, I really do believe that it's important to have a good enough relationship eventually that you can feel safe to share yourself on that level. I don't want a situation where I have to hide portions of my life. However, I do want to wait until I am healed and not bring all that baggage and "poison" into a new situation. When and if it ever happens, I want it to be a sharing of a past experience that did effect me.... but not to make it somebody else's responsibility to fix. Does that make sense. So I guess I have absolutely no answer for you (you're probably thinking, well shut up then. :) Ha Ha) but I did want to say I really understand why you would ask the question.

#8 Aug 13 - 10AM (Reply to #12)

courtneyj

Finallydone

Thank you for yoru response. I am thinking about opening up. I do not feel as though i would be making it his resposibility to fix me. I have gone on dates to get over what has gone on. I have sat through countless therapy sessions, taken anti-depressants, cried my eyes out, exercised and I finally feel CONTENT in my life. I am reliefed that he is no longer in my life. I am staying in Chicago. Work is going well!! I am moving into a new place. Stress is gone. I went through an awful situation and I was able to pull myself out of it. I let this happen. i worked very hard to get back to my confident self. I am not blaming myself entirely because the individual I was with was a fake and a phony. I was fooled into believing he was what I wanted. I am finally back to myself only a better modified version. I have learned my lessons and would like to think I will not get involved with someone like him ever again. Actually I am certain I will know the signs before I even get involved. My ex narc is a lunatic and the course of action he is taking in his life at the moment is proof. Karma is a bitch.

My Story: http://survivorofmred.blogspot.com

#9 Aug 11 - 11PM (Reply to #10)

Barbara (not verified)

courtneyj

Have you read the book HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN? Until you've been 18 months out from the Narc and in therapy about that long - no, IMHO - you are not safe. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone

#10 Aug 11 - 3PM (Reply to #2)

Rose-Marie (not verified)

Therapy

Face to face therapy is not readily available in the UK. I remember when I dated the first narc many years ago I ended up very ill and under the care of a psychiatrist, who referred me on to one of the UK's top psychiatrists, I kid you not. I got most of my info from Sam Vaknin's site in those days because alternative sources were not readily available - I made a great many cyber buddies on Suite 101 and we helped each other through, and I was very grateful for the information and support. My psychiatrist did not have a clue, even though I told her what had happened. - the narc was a shop keeper and her suggestion was to make the effort to go into the shop to buy something as by seeing him I would be able to confront the issue and deal with it (rather like a phobic's gradual exposure to spiders). I did as she suggested and needless to say the whole thing started up again (N Dipping it was called in those days). It took me a long, long time to get over it, without any real help, About eighteen months along the line (as you say) I woke up one morning and experienced a real sense of peace - and I knew without a shadow of a doubt I was over him. I see him rarely now and he has absolutely no effect on me at all - in fact I can truly say that I cannot see what I ever saw in him. The latest man was totally different, apart from a few "off" remarks now and then. I thought it strange that he appeared to want a commitment quite early on, but whenever I wanted to talk about it later, he would refuse to discuss it and change the subject. It was only towards the end that the mask of pleasantness dropped and he became insulting and criticizing and belittling. Needless to say I began to feel ill again. It is now almost four months since I last spoke to him. I still have bad days and good days and most days are a mixture of the two, but I know with time and non-contact I will get over it - with or without therapy. I agree with you about the 18 month timeline - I feel it would not be fair to inflict the mess that I am on another person. Who knows - there may never be another person - I am no spring chicken, but I am beginning to realise that I am better off on my own than with someone constantly putting me down. As someone said to me "pain at the end" or "pain without end". Some people are lucky enough to get through life without ever meeting a narc. I can't believe that TWO came into my life!! Rosy P

#11 Aug 11 - 11PM (Reply to #8)

Barbara (not verified)

Rose-Marie

wow! how STUPID of that therapist - though the majority here in the U.S. don't get it about pathologicals and many refuse to be educated. Go into the shop and confront him? Sheesh!! I tell people the MINUTE the therapist doesn't believe in PTSD or calls you co-dependent - LEAVE! and work on finding a new one. You did get the name & email of the therapist in the UK I sent you, didn't you? ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone

#12 Aug 11 - 11PM (Reply to #3)

Barbara (not verified)

Rose-Marie

#13 Aug 12 - 8AM (Reply to #4)

Rose-Marie (not verified)

Barbara

Yes I got the link, thank you very much for that. I would much prefer to see someone face to face, but there isn't anyone local to me, Rosy P

#14 Aug 12 - 1PM (Reply to #5)

Barbara (not verified)

Rose-Marie

use the therapist I gave you until you find someone local. Don't let it go too long. PTSD gets worse with time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone

#15 Aug 13 - 4AM (Reply to #7)

Rose-Marie (not verified)

Thank you

Okay, thank you.

#16 Aug 13 - 4AM (Reply to #6)

Rose-Marie (not verified)

Thank you

Okay, thank you.

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews