feeling weaker than ever

11 posts / 0 new

#1 Nov 30 - 2PM

spinning

feeling weaker than ever

and looking for some support, please. It's day 22 NC and rather than feeling better I feel worse. Weak. Weepy. Inappropriately emotional at work (my father is also dying right now, the "gentlemanly N" D & D'd me in this midst of this) and that I actually MISS him???!!! I know better. There is nothing to miss. Except, of course, endless uncertainty, insecurity, manipulation. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me?

Earlier in the NC I felt stronger. More certain of the "done-ness" of it all. The past two days I've been feeling lost, disoriented, sad, isolated, depressed. I keep trying to shift the focus off of him and onto me but what I get when I do that is the above mentioned feelings. I used to be so strong. I'm scared about the depth that his disorder has affected my life and is continue to affect me in a most negative way. He's the disordered one, not me, right? I want to flip the switch and feel that being free of him is a positive, highly self-affirming move. I'm so shaky right now that I'm not feeling that at all.

If anyone has any thoughts on this or experience with this and again, I suppose, reassurance that this is normal (or not) and will pass and/or coping mechanisms, I would so appreciate the input.

Thank you all for being here and sharing.

Sincerely (trying hard to stop) spinning

#2 Dec 1 - 4PM

onwithmylife

Spinning

I am sorry you are going through this but going through it will make you stronger on the other side, You are SO fresh out of no contact, it has been close to 2 years for me and I cannot begin to tell you how bad and depressed i wa from myEXN moving to another state just like that. It took me a looong time to get over him , I,kept thinking of all the good tnings we had together big time .I had spent many years with the man and he was such a big part of my life and it felt so totally empty and like a big VOID, with nothing or no one to fill it up. I still struggle from time to time but nothing like a year or so ago. Hang in there, keep reading all you can on the different websites and articles, I am still recovering,You will recover. that I can promise you....................What you are experiencing is totally NORMAl,with these monsters for they are not normal breakups, like we have all been through.

#3 Dec 1 - 1PM

Disillusionedx2

congrats on day 23...

Jordan retired 23 a winner! What a coward, he blasted you out and then blocked you? Typical, not surprised, N changed his number also, I could care less, I'm never one to initiate by nature/habit so I had no idea he had a new number until he text me from it, but I digress. This is something akin to a drug addiction, you're withdrawing, surely you could be missing the drama, him, whatever the dynamics of the N-ship was to you both, it's a vicious cycle and A complete narcmare. Once you kick him, it will be smoother sailing. You will definitely not be the same, ever, but, you can be better, hang in there. Are you decorating for the holidays? shopping? sending cards? any kind of distraction to get you through another day, best wishes. stay~striving

stay~strong

#4 Nov 30 - 4PM

gettinbetter

Its something around the 20 day mark..

On day 21 one I broke no contact and slid down a slippery slope that has taken two months to climb up from. Dont do it spinning. Im tellin ya it will be worse.

#5 Dec 1 - 12PM (Reply to #8)

spinning

Thank you all...

It is now day 23 and I made it through yesterday. I do not want to contact him as that would mean I would only be hurting myself...For those who may not know, when I called him hours after his succession of text message D&D to "let him have it," I discovered I was blocked. I do not wish to try calling him and I have no other way of contacting him wtihout getting others involved. I suppose this is a good thing. It is helpful to know that there is something abuot the 20-or-so-day mark. This is the longest (and final) NC I've had in the five-plus years of the so-called "relationship" and yesterday felt so awful that I thought I "missed him." Still sort of think I do, but know better. Could the lack of drama have me feeling so lost? I am disappointed that I'm not happier, feeling better about this necessary change in my life. It is exceedingly difficult for me to comprehend that someone who I gave so much of my precious time to and who professed to love me madly can erase all that with the flip of a switch and disappear and erase me to boot. My sister says this behavior demonstrates that he never loved me. All I know right now is that I wish I'd never met him. Thank you to all for the honest responses and for sharing. I'm working hard and perhaps expecting too much of myself. I should be jumping for joy that the most evil person I've ever laid eyes on has vanished. I hope to do so victoriously one day. Or better still, to give it no thought at all. Sincerely (trying to stop) spinning.

spinning

#6 Nov 30 - 3PM

I don t get it ...

I do understand

When things that cause me upset and sadness I have made the mistake of phoning. What I received was worse than what I was going through. He would say, "I can't help you." Guess what? He was correct, he could not/would not. They are not capable if empathy. They enjoy seeing, and hearing of our upset and sadness. I hate them all! They are sub-human. I went through the loss of four persons in a matter of five years..it's awful. If I can help I am here. I don't know where you are (I am in California) I don't know how to get my phone number to you...if you know a way, and wish to speak I am here, I am a good listener..aren't we all? We've listened to their ongoing BS forever. Please don't contact him at this most painful time - he will only make you feel worse...deep inside you know that.

#7 Nov 30 - 3PM

spinning

Thak you all so much

for being here and offering your support and understanding and compassion. It brings me to tears...maybe that's what I have to allow a little more of. Compassion for myself instead of higher expectations. You all are so brave, strong and wise. Thank you a thousand times. xoxox sincerely, (trying hard as I can to stop) spinning

spinning

#8 Nov 30 - 2PM

Hunter

Short Time

I'm sorry you feel bad. It's been 5 months for me. You are just at the beginning stages of feeling better. Your fathers illness is escalating your feelings. It Will get better. This is no time for you to contact the N. He will say things to cause you more pain. I think of mine all the time but I no longer want to speak to him. He is Evil and I want no part of Evil and you don't either. Be strong. Hugs Idealk

#9 Nov 30 - 2PM

jen79

spinning

I dont think you miss HIM, you miss the feeling you had in the beginning with him. And guess what this feeling was, being full of yourself, being happy. This was YOUR feeling, inside of you, you just thought you needed him for that, you dont. Now that your father is dying also, you feel extra dischord within you, so its natural that you miss someone with who you connect a feeling of being happy and being fully aligned with yourself. Dont worry, it will come back, allow yourself to go through it all. You will get better soon! Its not forever. Hugs.

#10 Nov 30 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

michele115 (not verified)

Spinning

I dont think you miss HIM, you miss the feeling you had in the beginning with him. And guess what this feeling was, being full of yourself, being happy. This was YOUR feeling, inside of you, you just thought you needed him for that, you dont. I wholeheartedly agree with Jen on this...that is what is causing a lot of the anguish - our own unhappiness that we are looking to another to "cure"... You sound like you have a lot going on and it's hard...but you will get through it. These Jerks are not "Gods" something I have to remind myself every day. He was big in MY head and even more so in his, but the fact is... He's a piece of man, and not worth it. It will take time, be patient with yourself and feel all you need to feel. Eventually the purging will cleanse you. Chin up hon...yesterday I was all over the map...but yesterday and today despite it, I feel calm - in the shower today, I was thinking - he really isn't all of that and I am going to work really hard at not letting him steal my joy. He is pathetic and that is a fact - any happiness he "shows" is feigned - he can't love - the ass is disordered - so why should my panties get all caught up in a bunch? These jerks are only as important as we make them. I know it takes time to see that - but for me I think that's the truth...it's how we see it, how much we control ourselves? Shortway made an excellent point today - the battle is about control - our egos their egos etc...well, if a shrub of a man can have his ass on his shoulders and not look back and think his crap doesn't stink and be arrogant to boot?...I don't see how we should not have the same attitude at least when it comes to THEM. Take your time you will heal, I remember day 20...it gets better slowly but it does...

#11 Nov 30 - 2PM

Disillusionedx2

good afternoon Spin...

I am sorry to hear of your fathers' health status, don't expect N to empathize, he can't. With that said, you're doing something for yourself by posting here seeking the support you need to get past these dreadful moments. It is by no means easy, but necessary to finally detox from N. This is part of the process; it can get dark, gloomy and downright painful. It did for me and there were times I did not think I was going to make it, as time went on I did. I am not out of the woods by any means but I posted here, read everything I could get my mitts on, took it hour by hour, day by day, it really does get better with time. You're still very early in your NC; your feelings are all valid and necessary. You do have an extra edge in that you are not alone with your thoughts and feelings, we here understand exactly what you are feeling and going through. Read, write, shop, meditate, listen to your favorite music, dance, eat well, go for a scenic walk/drive, get angry, have a fight with yourself or a pillow, whatever it takes to get through it, perhaps professional help may even be an option for you. Do continue to fight your way through the darkness and you will eventually emerge into the light, DO NOT CONTACT N! You will hamper your recovery if you do. It's normal to miss him despite the awful things he's done, we've all have missed N because our feelings were genuine and still are. I still love N but I HATE his disorder therefore I know I cannot engage in anything that's N related, PERIOD. You cannot afford it, we cannot, unless you want to be emotionally bankrupt indefinitely, best wishes, xoxo. stay~striving

stay~strong

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