Bagpipes

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#1 Nov 25 - 9AM

really

Bagpipes

The weirdest things can trigger, can’t they? This morning, I was watching the news and they showed people downtown having a wake for Tom the Turkey. It’s a comedy – fake coffin, everyone in black, pretending to mourn his loss. There were bagpipers playing and walking with the mourners.

Tears started flowing. I knew I wasn’t crying for Tom the Turkey. He’s yummy! It was the bagpipers. I cry at beautiful music all the time, but that wasn’t it either. Then I realized that Someone (that’s what I call the N as I realize he wasn’t “my” anything) and I used to go to our local hangout every year on St Patty’s Day and it was a big deal to make sure we were there when the bagpipers came through. He always made a production of making me find out what time they would be coming and making sure we would be there when they were. Of course, it was my fault if we missed them even though there was never any scheduled time and they rotate through numerous places all day long.

You know, you think you’re keeping yourself safe, avoiding places where Someone may be, avoiding things that you know will set you back, and then out of nowhere, something random hits you upside the head.

#2 Nov 25 - 6PM

Anne_

bagpipes

my xN played the bagpipes, and started to learn me how to play; we broke up before I got good at it. Even reading the word "bagpipes" here triggered memories. gdvdm (dutch cursing :-)) I didn't know this would be so hard. It's now more than two weeks of NC. Still trying to cut ties with a few friends of him. there so friendly to me. But I just HAVE to cut them out of my life. I know that I have to follow my own path right now. It's hard, isn't it? Luckily I have this board. xoxoxo Anne

#3 Nov 25 - 1PM

Briseis

It's sort of like "safe

It's sort of like "safe sex". There's no such thing as 100% safe sex, unless it's telephone sex. We can make ourselves as safe as possible and stuff still gets in :( . And it's usually weird, unexpected stuff like this. You really ARE as safe as it gets :) The only thing that gets triggered is the grief, now. Although it majorly sucks to get hit upside the head like this, each time you get whacked, do this; stand back, and let it out, with great respect for the pain and misery you suffered. You were truly victimized, and terribly hurt. Grieve for what you went through. Give yourself that much credit, you know? It's about respecting your experience. It also helps to do this because it means you are letting it go, rather than trying to block it or stuff it, so that it just stays inside you and ROTS.

#4 Nov 25 - 3PM (Reply to #9)

really

Briseis

I think that's what threw me - just such an odd, random thing. A wake for a fake turkey makes me cry - Huh?! Geez, I need to think about the rest of what you said. It felt so good hearing - "respect for the pain", giving myself credit, respecting my experience... rather than "trying to block it or stuff it..." I feel like I have let it stay inside me and let it rot. Somehow, I felt that intellectually understanding what he was and all of his actions making sense was enough. Mystery solved. Digest. Process. Go on with life. End of story. Does it really all have to be said??? I don't know. I'm a quiet and private person (and he gave me crap about that, too - "I don't know how you get along in this world!"). I'm thinking...

#5 Nov 25 - 3PM (Reply to #10)

Briseis

Do you mean do all the

Do you mean do all the miserable memories have to be "said"? Hmmm. Probably? But I don't think there are any rules in how a person does get it out. I couldn't bring myself to open up very many threads to just vent or get it out. It was easier for me to join in on threads others had posted and say "yeah, that happened to me too" and describe how it happened. Probably it put some distance in between me and what I was talking about. It did the same trick, though. Saying it (in whatever way) makes it real. And before we can get rid of it for good, we have to come out of our shelter of denial (rather necessary for a while). There is a saying in the 12 Step programs (they undoubtedly borrowed it from somewhere else) that goes "You are as sick as your secrets". Personally? I don't really need to hear that :P It's at least mostly true. I think there are some things that are best confessed to a therapist or priest, but that's such a small percentage of it all. Some people naturally, according to their personality, just don't "share" everything, and some people let it all hang out. I'm more on the let it all hang out end. Everyone is different here. Telling YOURSELF the story is harder than telling other people. I think it's because we are the ones we "abandoned" to follow the Narc. Even though we were brainwashed and manipulated and had no idea that's what we were doing, it amounts to the same thing once the fog starts to clear. Lots and lots of guilt :( to go through, and then, self acceptance and forgiveness. I don't ever want to go back through that again, but want people to know that you DO get through it, than anyone can, no matter how guilty or awful they feel. Most of the guilt and shame isn't even OURS. And NONE of the shame of being abused and brainwashed is ours, NONE of it. Not one molecule.

#6 Nov 25 - 5PM (Reply to #11)

really

Thank you for the pointed,

Thank you for the pointed, yet gentle, way that you say things. :) The fact that I have had crying bouts all afternoon and am completely drained must mean that there's still a lot in there! I struggle because my closest friends couldn't really comprehend when I did share details with them. Even my best friend who said she had a psychopath BF years before (before I knew her) didn't really get it. I figured if he was really a psycho, she would have understood, but she's never really been much of an analyzer anyway and could have used the term loosely to begin with. I also struggle because my story seems tame compared to a lot that I read on here. And I guess the guilt that's enmeshed in these experiences is part of what stops me. Geez, even my story isn't good enough - how fucked up is that?!?! From an empath standpoint, of course I would think it's more important for others to tell their stories than for me to tell mine. Their pain is more obvious, more easily seen. Mine is hidden. "Oh, no, thank you, I'll wait til the others go ahead, my abuse isn't bad enough, it was just mental and I'm smart. I should have been smart enough to know." Holy crap, you've cracked open a can of worms! I know I need it. I know I do. I can feel it and it needs to be "recognized". I'm OK with that and can handle it. I just didn't expect all of that to be left inside of me after I had processed everything related to him. I've spent all this time and effort figuring HIM out, finding out what HE was. My feelings made sense based on HIM and HIS actions. I guess I haven't put it all back together on MY end and for ME. Wow.

#7 Nov 25 - 10AM

desprathousewife

Really

I had an unexpected trigger too, this morning on my way to work it started snowing. My eyes filled up instantly as I was transported back to last years snowfall when him and I were making snowangels in his back garden, my dogs were jumping all over us in their excitement. I was thinking while walking my dogs this afternoon how painful these triggers can be. When I've broken up with anyone before and a memory of a good time floods my head I just smile and remember fondly. This is so different and I can't comprehend why GRRRR. I agree, nowhere is safe. We can't avoid them and just have to ride them through and try and counteract them with thoughts of the awful torment they bestowed upon us :( I hope you are feeling a little better now? Happy Thanksgiving, I hope Tom is tasty :)

#8 Nov 25 - 11AM (Reply to #4)

really

DHW

I have so many snow memories, it's ridiculous. You brought on a cleansing cry that had been waiting to happen. We used to have bonfires in the snow all the time, loved being outside as much as possible, and our dogs were best pals. Two years ago, we even had a bonfire in the middle of the first snowstorm - awesome. Last year, the first snow came right after he started creating issues to D&D me for the 4th or 5th (and LAST!) time. He started complaining about how I never called him, it was always him calling me, etc. OK, so even though everything was always up to his schedule, he identified what he thought was a problem and I could easily fix it... The following week, I called him to see if he wanted to have a bonfire and celebrate the first snowfall. Nope, he couldn't, he was busy. Way to support someone in changing behavior that YOU identified as problematic!!!! Suspicious me found out he was home alone that night. Asshole.

#9 Nov 25 - 11AM (Reply to #5)

desprathousewife

Sorry I triggered even more

Sorry I triggered even more bad memories, but glad you feel cleansed. You really can't win with these guys. You jump through all their hoops and then they just raise the damned things higher. It's physically and emotionally draining :( I'm glad you said he has D&D'd you for the LAST time, that's sweet music to my ears. The strength that comes from NC, some well needed SPACE to detox and clear your head is a MUST. Apart from the occasional blip (like this morning) I feel so much stronger each day. The light at the end of the tunnel is still someway in the distance, but I can see it and keep pushing my way toward it. Sometimes I go a whole week without a painful trigger now. That's real progress, I just take things a day at a time and feel 'quietly confident' that these episodes will get fewer and fewer in time :)

#10 Nov 25 - 2PM (Reply to #6)

really

Gosh, DHW -

No need to apologize. It's going to happen. That's just how it is. I, too, feel better each day and the bad times are few and far between. But, it's the impact of the 'odd' things that you can't predict, the surprises, that is hard and reminds me of what I've endured and how I've changed. And my story is not nearly as bad as a lot of people here. It just happened to me. I'm glad you are well along your path to recovery and wish the best for you. Thank you for your kind support.

#11 Nov 25 - 3PM (Reply to #7)

desprathousewife

Yep, thats just how it is!

Glad you are feeling better each day too. We all have different stories, but they are all BAD, and have affected us deeply. That is of no consequence, we are all here sharing our pain, cleansing, growing and LEARNING from the experience. We are all here on the path to recovery, just at different points. We all identify with each other, that is the beauty of this site. The bad times will come, it's inevitable, but the goodtimes will start to shine through and the pain will lessen. Well it has with me :) I hope it does with you too, we all deserve so much more than we've been landed with :(

#12 Nov 25 - 10AM (Reply to #2)

Godhasaplanforme

I thought i had disposed

I thought i had disposed every last piece of him...but u can never be too sure... the other day i used one of my old wallets...and i was going through the cards randomly and i found his visiting card...the one he gave to me so lovingly to keep with me always... it made me so angry...because I got him that job at MY company and I quit once he started dating someone from MY company.. now OW and him are working together....probably having a fabulous time

#13 Nov 25 - 10AM (Reply to #3)

Used

Godhasaplanforme

now OW and him are working together....probably having a fabulous time.. no she wont be and if she is it wont last.. no one does with them noone!!!!

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