10 weeks post-discard...just saw that he is online with skype
10 weeks post-discard...just saw that he is online with skype
It's 10 weeks since he broke up with me. For almost 8 weeks I cried and sobbed, wondering what I did wrong. Between talking dozens of hours to friends, finding a therapist and reading NPD info on this site & others, I thought I was recovering.
He used me & abused me, both long-distance & in-person, and I'm trying to teach myself to love myself again.
Just now, while I was writing a comment on another board, my computer flashed a little update - that he's on Skype. Right now.
I cried & almost threw up.
I'm new to Skype. I only joined it because of my long distance relationship with him. He joined it for the same reason. He bought a webcam for it, too.
I didn't realize it flashes those 'updates'. I'll make sure to delete him so that doesn't happen again.
I'm shocked at how upset I am. I have a lot of healing to do. A lot. I'm still fragile and now all I want to do is write him and tell him how much he's hurt me, but I won't. I've kept NC until now, no reason to break it.
My stomach is turning. My guts been in knots, literally, for weeks. I have IBS and it's in high gear.
I wish I had never put myself through this. In the beginning there were so many red flags, but he showered me with affection and gave me so much attention...in the beginning...that I bought it. Then grad school started in late August and he started student-teaching - new 'supply' - and he told me his feelings for me weren't as strong as mine were for him.
On the breakup call, he said his feelings changed for me because I delayed buying the ticket to visit him. He said it was just like his ex-wife - say one thing and do another. This made no sense to me because we had planned the week; I just needed to put the ticket on my credit card, and it took me 3 weeks longer than I had planned to buy the ticket because at the time I was coming out of a botched medical procedure & 100-degree heat in my apt. I asked him why he didn't tell me that my procrastination bothered him - he said he had. He reminded me that back then, he had said to me, 'Don't buy the tickets now. They're too expensive for you.' He said that THAT was his way of telling me I was taking too long to buy the tickets. That sounded like Chinese to me - how would I have understood his passive aggressive language? He said that's when his feelings changed for me, and they never were the same. What?! Even though I bought the tickets, visited him & told him I was seriously considering moving to his area?
Now I'm really nauseous. He's rarely on Skype. He's probably on there with some new woman he's charmed. I'm really disgusted.
He threw me away with a 35-minute phone call. Now he's already onto another woman, 2.5 months post-breakup. It's disgusting.
He comes off as this sweet, socially-awkward, nerdy, smart guy. But in private moments he's unpredictable, doesn't know how to respond to the feelings of others and out of nowhere will be critical, will belittle you or be demanding/controlling during sex. He's a puzzle to me and he really hurt me. Six months of what I *thought* was a relationship that he discarded without a thought, and now I'm almost 3 months into healing...and it seems like the healing work I've done is fragile.
*sigh*
When am I going to be done with this and moving on?
I'm actually moving to his area, not to be with him, but to go to grad school. I'm 37 and I'm going back to school after all these years. I want to be able to be there without thinking of him or caring about what he's doing. God, this is hard.
Thank God I'm in therapy right now.
Thanks in advance for your feedback & words.
-Leah
hi Leah
Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and support
Hiya Leah
Ava
It didn't even occur to me that I'm moving on, Ava
You are moving on Leah - honestly, I am so impressed
Ava
Leah
Hi Leah
Aceonelady
Needed that reminder - that he isn't who I thought he was
Hi Leah, welcome to Vain
Thanks for the encouragement
Hi Leah!!
Thanks
my heart goes out to you for
Thanks