sarahb's story
sarahb's story
My relationship with an N was ended for me by the N a month before the wedding. I can see from the vantage point of much time that I am SO GLAD I dodged that bullet. I am now happily married to a normal loving person. I was recently looking back at old journals when another ex (I see now, an N!!!) got back in touch with me -- and in my curious quest to figure out what was wrong with him -- his emails are oddly bragging and interaction way abnormal -- I came across this site. So good to know the name of this condition I lived through! I send you all good wishes. Here is what I wrote about N #2, fourteen years ago. I wish everyone to know that there will be a day when you will say, boy I was strong to live through that!! and about him you will not care at ALL, not one bit!!
The Blamer Man
You kill my self esteem
then blame me for not having any
you make me feel like i am sexually backward
then blame me for not being a confident sex goddess
you critique my body
then blame me for feeling insecure
you criticize my manner of speech
then blame me for speaking hesitantly
you tell me that we don't touch enough
then you recoil in a rigid cut off space
and blame me for being hesitant and unsure when i touch you and complain that i hurt you when i touch you
your blaming
is your identity
your self esteem
your anchor in the world
you blame, you live
you cannot stop the blaming and accusing
it becomes ridiculous
you blame me for buying a wedding dress i like
say it will make me look helpless
you blame me for the relationship being "too comfortable"
and "not passionate"
yet you avoid sex or make it awful.
you blame me for talking about problems at work
you blame me for ever being vulnerable
you blame me for being human
most of all, you blame me for loving you
for trying to have harmony
rather than you treating me more nicely, you say i just need to learn to tell you to "f*&K off"
you blame me for listening to you, for trusting in you, for believing that your criticisms were valid,
you blame me for trying to fix myself
you blame for being alive
It is all me, you would like to think.
If only I could be, what?
impervious to pain?
non-human?
so out of touch I don't recognize an insult?
What is the magic key?
Skin so thick its impenetrable?
Perfection in all things?
Can I ever win?
You want fake
You made me believe I was wrong
But how could fake be right?
How could dishonesty be better than honesty?
How could being nice be worse than being mean?
How can not caring be better than caring?
What is codependent and what is human?
I am very strong
You refuse to see that
No matter what I do
I cannot change your projections.
I doubt it is different for you now.
It is only different because you are in the initial
acquisition stage of being Mr. Wonderful
Once you have hooked your prey
into a relationship
Your tremendous anger will have to surface.
It cannot not surface, it is THERE.
And you will have to blame.
If you have chosen your victim correctly (I am sure you have)
They will start trying, like me.
Someone has to pass your "test," you say
Go ahead and take your cruel test
And get the f%&K out of my life.
go ahead and start all over again
you weak pathetic creature
Who can never be alone.
This man now 14 years later is almost 50, several broken engagements to objectively awesome women, yet still never married...a seemingly successful attractive respectable person to date.AACK! It has been said a lot on this site but PLEASE KNOW THAT IT IS NOT YOU! YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!!!
Thank you for sharing your journal entry
sarahb
Aceonelady Thank you for
Aceonelady
thanks
thank you
Ending the dance
sarahb
http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview
nolongercontrolled
hello
Welcome sarahb