For hooklinesinker

Jen, but I don't believe in LOA any more. Thanks for your kind words though. They really, really mean a lot to me. HLS xx

This is my own personal opinions/insights into where anger and even just fantasies of retribution sort of "cross the line" into something that is toxic. It's human nature to wish retribution on someone who has hurt you, and even to an extent, EXACT retribution. It is in our nature to "right the wrong". It is our healthy, natural "narcissism" that we should have, that rises up to defend our territory and power over it. Wishing revenge or damage to people who have what you do NOT have, but believe you should have is TOXIC. That is why envy is one of the seven deadly sins. These "sins" are toxic, they demean and humiliate you, bring out the worst in you. To wish damage to strangers or people who have lovely husbands and children (when you don't and want them) is a toxic and unhealthy kind of rage. Why? Because it is ultra narcissistic, beyond the healthy narcissism of self protection and personal fulfilment. It assumes that it is an INSULT, to YOU, that other people have what you don't have but want. What other people have is none of our business, much less anything we can or should have control over. To give yourself permission to even WISH harm upon others because of your envy is malignant narcissism. Yes, any of us can have it without being a full blown NPD. In fact, a bit of malignant narcissism in us is pretty normal for a while after being in a Narc relationship. Where I am coming, three plus years out, I feel more pity and disgust for my exNarc than anything. I don't wish him ill, he's got plenty he's manufacturing for himself. But I DID, for the first couple of years. That first year afterward, I actually comforted myself with fantasies of pure revenge. It was all about me trying to take back my power, and ugly as it was, it was understandable, all things considered. But you grow beyond that, as you heal, as you pursue growth and your new life starts to unfold. You don't have to beat yourself up for this, you've been beat up enough already. Just notice it and if it really scares you to think what you are thinking, just know that it is temporary, it doesn't mean you are an evil person . . . it just means YOU received a narcissistic injury. Yes, anyone with HEALTHY narcissism can get a narcissistic injury, that's normal too. It's when this rage turns into bitterness, and starts expanding outward to INNOCENT people, who have what you wish you had, that you probably need to get some help for. In the least, be honest with yourself that you are letting this get out of control. That you feel SO powerless to get what you want that somehow it's OK to at least fantasize about hurting innocent people. Admit your anger has gone beyond the beyonds. It's gone too far. It is now HURTING you as much if not more than anyone. A person seething with that kind of rage and bitterness is a TURN OFF. It's like going to a hotdog stand to get lunch, and being hostile and nasty to the person behind the counter. DUH!! Better check your hotdog for . . . unwanted condiments!! Or at least shitty service. When you want something, you do NOT throw a temper tantrum to get it!! We're supposed to learn that when we are two years old. When you want something, you behave graciously, gratefully. You try to DESERVE it. You are "one down" when there is something you want but do not have. You are not "one up" because you don't have it. There is some reason you don't have it. And it's probably not GOD. God, or Whatever set creation in motion gave us the best brains in existance, to figure out how to get what we want. Toddlers and spoiled children throw temper tantrums and rage to get what they want. And adults who do this are seen as immature, difficult, and are a big turn off to other adults. We here understand this "phase" we all go through, though. And specifically to HLS, I want to say that I wonder if this bitterness and rage in you is being "communicated" somehow, and has in some way influenced your relationships? I have no idea HOW, specifically. I just believe wholeheartedly if you keep doing the same thing and getting the same results (no husband, no family) you need to do something different. Otherwise, you are banging your head against a brick wall. Blaming God or other people is a sell out. Time to face yourself, perhaps, and see where you could make changes in yourself. What you want HLS is what we all want. What you want is GOOD, and I sincerely wish for you to have these good things that you want. It could be that you are somehow, someway, shooting yourself in the foot. Only you can determine what you are doing "wrong", but I can't help but think you are doing something that is stopping you from getting what you want. We all want you to stay and be part of this community. This last relationship was with a full blown NPD, bar none, and you need support and healing after that. We want to be here for you.

I used to say to anyone how I could run over him with the car at any moment. But that is different from blaming God and every one else as to where is your perfect life that you dreamed of. Anger is a healthy thing, bitterness is not. Thanks, Jen, your words were very well put and very important. I hope they are heard and understood. almostlydia

Like yesterday, I was mad and I talked about beating him up. I feel almost bad about that comment. I do picture beating him when I am mad and maybe I shouldn't have posted that I want to tie him to a tree? Today, I am not mad and would never say that today because I flux. I understand anger, but there is a boundry.