Biological clock

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#1 Nov 10 - 4AM

Scoop

Biological clock

This is a difficult subject for me but one i had to resolve in part of my healing and that is the dream of having children may not happen for me . I am heading towards 40 next year . What i had to say to myself that insead of it WILL happen for me it is now it MIGHT happen that i have children . Well thats a hard shift to make but then i look at it and wonder how much of what i put up with with the narc was fuled by my need to have kids and my fear that time was running out .
I have noticed that i have had to re define my role in life , all my life society has had an expectation of me to me a mother and i have been molded and YES brainwashed into thinking that was my sole purpose for living and now faced with the fact it MIGHT not happen made me feel like a big fat failer.
In a way by giving up the narc was giving up the idea of children , double wammy .
I wrote a post about mulitible dating which is what im doing at the moment and someone said that it was healthy to not be "needy" and what the needy part has always been is to reproduce , by resolving in my head that having children is not the be all and end all i am comming accross as a much more confident person .
I wouldnt have chosen this shift in my thinking but i had to and its important for me to find a positive from the change .

#2 Nov 11 - 9AM

betty2020

This thread is out of

This thread is out of control. I can not allow members to attack one another as this is not what we are here for nor is this appropriate behavior to treat your fellow sister in this manner. This is simply not the message that we intend to deliver on AAH. If you need to hash out differences I would be happy to provide personal emails at your request and permission for this to take place. But I will not allow it for public display and on this forum. This goes for both used and hook and any other member that wishes to engage in this. Have we lost site of why we are here? Did we forget that we have traveled the same road as victims of the personality disordered? Do we not understand that we suffer from many symptoms in the aftermath that require special attention, support, patients and understanding? I will be contacting both members (used, hook) in private by email in the next 24 hours to resolve this issue and put it to rest. For now i will consider this thread closed for discussion until further notice. If it continues I will pull it from the board. If it still continues we will take other measures to ensure that our community is protected from further harm by witnessing this type of negative behavior. To include being banned from AAH. For those of you who know me and my stance on banning members, you know that I am dead against this as we had this problem before i came on board as moderator. I made a commitment to Lisa and to all of our community that this is not how i would operate. However, I must act in the best interest of the group as a whole and if i feel or see anything that threatens our members recovery I have no choice but to take action. Betty only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#3 Nov 10 - 4PM

hooklineandsinker

Scoop

This might as well have been written by me. You have voiced EXACTLY what I feel, except for me it's even more hopeless as I am two years older than you. I have no idea how my life came to this. Any time I have a memory from the past, when I see my 25 year old or 32 year old or 37 year old self, I am filled with an unbearable sadness and screaming rage that all of those precious years of fertility are gone. I just feel like someone has to pay for me being deprived of such a normal and natural part of every woman's life. I WILL NOT go to christenings or weddings ANY MORE. I don't care whose they are. I deliberately did not attend the christenings of my beloved niece and nephew because it's bad enough that this is my life, but there is NO WAY IN HELL I am putting myself through attending such a ceremony, and all alone without a partner too. SORRY BUT NO FUCKING WAY. I commend you on your mature and philosophical attitude to your situation. I am much more immature about it in that I feel filled with murderous rage that it hasn't happened for me and that what I saw as my last chance to have children, with the narc (we started seeing each other when I was 41) has now been snatched away. I feel full of bitter resentment towards my friends and siblings who do have children and I sometimes want to do something to hurt them badly just to make myself feel better. I feel like a second class citizen. I feel like a child in a playground who is the only one whose parents haven't bought them a really cool new toy that everyone else has. Bad analogy, because of course children aren't toys, but my point is that it's the full force of a neglected and denied child's rage that I feel (and I think we can all remember the intensity of feelings we experienced in childhood) and that I have no idea how to express. I have cut off my best friend (haven't seen her since July) because a) I am so jealous and bitter of her because she's a pregnant newlywed (due mid December and I already know I won't be going to visit the new baby. I will send a present but that's it. I am NOT putting myself through the misery of feeling like some sort of Cinderella while everyone else gets to go to the ball - constantly congratulating others on their happiness while getting NONE myself) and it's partly because I'm afraid I will say something mean and aggressive and angry to her when I meet her because that's the way I feel and I am sure that even if I don't express it openly it will leak out somehow and damage our friendship; b) It was at her stupid wedding that the narc met his current hag. This one is even more crazy and irrational. How in the hell could this be her fault? Still, in my fucked-up mindset, I blame her for it. If that stupid wedding had never taken place, he'd never have met the new hag. PLUS: as a direct result of the fucking wedding she gets to be a pregnant newlywed, and as a direct result of it I get shat on. AGAIN. FOR GOD KNOWS HOW MANY TIMES IN TEN YEARS. c) She was the one who broke the news to me that he was seeing that stupid whore that he met at the wedding, and I really, really resented that she had the power to break such deeply traumatic news to me, all the while being all happy and newlywed and pregnant herself. She did it with the best of intentions but I still very much resent that she had that power.

#4 Nov 11 - 7AM (Reply to #14)

desprathousewife

Hookline

I should probably keep my trap shut here but your last sentence deeply offended me. Even thinking of committing such an attrocity. The Columbine massacre was appalling, what those poor children's mothers would have had to have gone through is a mother's WORST NIGHTMARE. We are all hurt and angry by our N's, I didnt expect to be hurt and angry by words on this website though. Briseis said to me earlier about having boundaries, well I'm sticking my neck out here, I always keep schtum but for me as a mother, of student age children to boot, I hope you retract that comment!

#5 Nov 11 - 6AM (Reply to #9)

Used

hls

i havent heard such bitterness since i talked to myexw/f.. you cant blame GOD for your life not working out..he gives us a bag of tools its up to us how we use them..you go on about being married and having a family as if that will make everything better, it wont b/c your attitude wont change..to not go to your nieces and nephews christening is selfish.. and you say as a result of going to this wedding he met ow, and now you want to shoot the messanger, my feeling is b/c you left him and went to have a nap didnt help...i am no narc but if i went to a wedding with my partner i wouldnt be pleased if he went off for a nap. you say it was ok he had your friends to talk to as you had introduced them to him....if that had been me i would have left immediatly..palmed off with my partners freinds, i dont think so. and i wouldnt worry too much about not going to family do,s, they will stop inviting you anyway.. and its easy enough to have a child if you think this will change your life .it wont ,you have got to change....we have all got and had grief, thats part of life, but how you eventually deal with it, is the only way to come to terms with it..

#6 Nov 11 - 7AM (Reply to #10)

hooklineandsinker

used

How dare you call me selfish for looking after myself. How DARE you criticise me for taking a nap when I was EXHAUSTED. You have NO IDEA of the circumstances I found myself in on that day and the previous one so don't you dream of pronouncing judgment on me. Not that it's any of your business but I checked with my bf whether it was ok with him if I went for a sleep (as I would with ANYONE in those circumstances, and he's the first one EVER to have had an issue with it) and of course I got the parroted, meaningless, standard, inane reply from him "I'm always ok". Then he passive-aggressively stored up his anger at me over this and kept it for the D&D, instead of talking it out with me like someone who truly valued us and our relationship, if he was that upset by it. You are basically siding with my ex narc by saying that I brought his later narc behaviour on myself for daring to sleep when I was tired IN CIRCUMSTANCES WHERE I HAD ALREADY CHECKED WITH HIM IF HE WAS OK WITH IT AND BEEN TOLD THAT HE WAS. Nice going. Keep your posts to yourself from now on. And thanks for the very nasty comment about my family not inviting me to events any more. Once again, don't DARE comment on circumstances you know nothing about. Who do you think you are? You don't know me or my family or what our rel'ship is like. You are too stupid to grasp, even though I have said it before in some of my posts, that I am well aware that marriage and a family is not some sort of universal panacea, but I still have the right to want one. Goodbye. And to the rest of you too. I thought this was a safe forum but I was clearly wrong. I'm done.

#7 Nov 11 - 7AM (Reply to #12)

hooklineandsinker

used

And you're telling me that you would seriously storm out of a wedding if your partner of 8 months, having asked if it was ok with you first and you telling him it was, decided to have a nap upstairs because they were exhausted (with the stress of trying to get the wedding car - my own car - which had broken down that day up and running in time for the wedding THE NEXT DAY, terrified that they would let down their best friend and her husband because they were relying on you for the wedding car, running around trying to find spare parts at the last minute and asking garages to stay open after hours so that you could get them, feeling guilty about keeping your uncle and aunt from their plans for that evening because they were kind enough to help work on the car LITERALLY ALL DAY 2.5 hourse from their home, worrying in the back of your mind about having been ignored sexually by your beloved partner for 5 weeks, and finally staying up until 1.30am to make sure your partner, who only got to the hotel you both were staying in after it closed, could gain access to the premises)? What an insecure, petulant baby you are. Your partner is tired, let them have a bloody nap. You are an adult. You have met his friends before. Get over yourself and go and talk to them. But no, you'd walk out? Are you kidding me? Take stock of your own attitudes and behaviours before critisicing others.

#8 Nov 11 - 8AM (Reply to #13)

Used

i wasent critising you, i

i wasent critising you, i was stating a fact...you need to grow up..

#9 Nov 11 - 7AM (Reply to #11)

Used

hls

i do dare, as you have.

#10 Nov 11 - 3AM (Reply to #8)

CarolKittyGale (not verified)

You sound just like my

You sound just like my sister. Your posts over~whelm me, you are so bitter and unhappy. Unless you change your out~look you will never get the life, or even the resemblance, of the life you want. I am saying this to you in kindness because I have seen this in my sister and it done her no favours. One of my oldest friends is 50, never been married or had the man of her dreams, never had children and has just recently had a breast removed due to cancer, another close friends beautiful daughter was run down and killed at 12 years old yet they have none of these feelings in their hearts and neither have I and because of this we have happy life's filled with love.(My friend with cancer and I haven't got a man in our life). The list goes on and on of pain and loss and horrible things happening to nice people but unless you focus on the good things in life you will never move forward. You say you don't believe in God because you haven't got a man and a family well there are a lot worse things, just watch the news. I have to be blunt because your post upset me as it was close to home as my sister put me through hell because she couldn't find a man and have children but eventually she had to come to terms with it for her own sake and because of this over the last three years she has met a man and is living happily with him and our relationship has improved. She is 46. You will end up lonely and your unhappiness will show on your face so try to focus on the positives for a change and count your blessings as there will always be someone better of then you and there will always be someone worse off then you.

#11 Nov 10 - 5PM (Reply to #3)

Scoop

It seems to me you have a

It seems to me you have a choise here , and its three fold , you either have to work through the feelings of not becoming a mother , or look into becoming a mother through donation , or go to prison because you open fire in MC donalds .I hear youre rant and it was an excelent one :) .... xxx

#12 Nov 10 - 8PM (Reply to #7)

Briseis

I agree with Scoop, too

and Almostlydia, about the bitter part. That is Plan 4. Not get exactly what you want and be angry and bitter. This is just the way Life is, for everyone. This is the year 2010. You can get sperm for free :) Work it right, and whether you and the Dad are lovers/married, your kid(s) can have a great Dad as well as a great Mom. Your heart sounds "hardened" from all your pain, HLS. There is so much good out there, for you. Maybe there is already a child born who will call you Mother someday. If I were your girlfriend and knew you inside and out, I'd go ahead and tell you to get off it and open yourself up to something new. What you want isn't working. There is more, much more :) Because I don't know you inside and out, I'll qualify that with "my opinion". In your shoes, if had no husband or children, I would be scrapping too. I would be seriously re-evaluating what I wanted, and the means by which I sought to get it. Because whatever you are doing, it's NOT WORKING.

#13 Nov 10 - 7PM (Reply to #4)

almostlydia

I agree with Scoop. One of

I agree with Scoop. One of many things I did not want to become was a bitter old woman. You are working it very nicely to be just that. It is time to accept the facts and begin to see what other possibilities exist in the world, which are many. Plan A is over. So now it is on to Plan B which can be incredible if you let go of Plan A that is not going to happen. There is the possibility, if you get your anger out over what you can not change now, that perhaps there is a man for you who has children that can become the closest thing you will have to your own, or something along those lines. Otherwise, I am already hearing the beginnings of a very bitter old woman in the making. Not apologizing for being blunt, I think you need it. almostlydia

almostlydia

#14 Nov 11 - 7AM (Reply to #5)

hooklineandsinker

almostlydia

Thanks for the lovely letter! Plan A is over! It's not going to happen, says Lydia, looking into her crystal ball. I should just shut up and get the hell over myself and not dare want it any more! Thanks so much! What lovely encouragement!

#15 Nov 11 - 7AM (Reply to #6)

hooklineandsinker

And don't worry about me

And don't worry about me turning into a bitter old woman. I will kill myself first.

#16 Nov 10 - 6AM

CarolKittyGale (not verified)

Oh Scoop I am so glad you

Oh Scoop I am so glad you have found a way to deal with this it is so important to do so and wonderful if you can. It has also given you a deeper understanding of why you put up with Narc.....clarity. My sister couldn't have children and because I had two sons over the years she was at times a horrible bitch to me. She has finally come to terms with it and we are slowly re~building our relationship but she done some awful things to me to pay me. It wasn't enough for her that I had had to deal with a lot in my life she just wanted to hurt me for having something she couldn't. I understood this and have been willing to take the olive branch but it caused terrible unrest in the family. I wish you every happiness in your new and lovely life...sounds like you are having a lovely time dating...:-))

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