Is this strange?

It's really smart to worry if you'll "relapse", actually. But I agree with you, that "this is different" for you, this time :) You've blocked him, you've had a ton of insights, you've been through a very dark time, you've gotten as honest with yourself as a person can be. The only way you'll relapse is if you allow yourself to do it. You'd have to UNblock him, which involves deliberately using your fingers and brain to do so. That you have perfect control over. BUT, we don't have control over the feelings and emotions, and maybe that's what scares you, because in the past you've acted out on the feelings/emotions. You've given in to them, rather than weathered through them? It is a lot like a physical addiction. Sometimes you feel SO strong. Like, why on Earth would I ever pick up again? My life is so good without it. Then, some shit happens, stuff you have no control over at all, and you are thrown into a tailspin. Suddenly, it seems RATIONAL that you'd "pick up" again. It would only be this one time, and dammit, you're tired of feeling so ROTTEN that you deserve a little peace. It's those kind of feelings and emotions we need to learn to weather. Not act out on the impulses they bring. I am kind of experienced with physical addictions :blush: . I used to drink alcoholically, and I used to smoke like a chimney. Let me tell you about CRAVINGS. And having your brain all messed up from the chemicals in alcohol or cigarettes and trying to live without them those first few months. I said MONTHS. When it is your body freaking out at the loss of a chemical it's addicted to, it takes months. But when it is your mind, it is a bit easier. It's the same process, though. You sit on those emotions and feelings that trigger you to want to contact him. You do anything BUT contact him. You take a walk, take your daughter to the park, go buy your husband a special gift, go exercise yourself into exhaustion, write here, call a supportive friend who will kick your ass and refuse to accept a bad choice on your part. Over time, the urges and cravings will subside, because you aren't feeding them. They get weaker and weaker, and in a few weeks, you'll realize you have felt better for some time, and your mind is on other things. Gratitude for having a wonderful family that you could have LOST over this dickweed, for instance :) Gratitude that the old wounds with him are now laid to rest, and are healed. The strength this will bring you in your life is something you will be surprised by :) Forbid yourself to give in. Forward is the only way you are allowed to go. Period :)

i just blocked mine for the first time too, and just this morning i was thinking about how i might relapse too! i was thinking how he might come out here with his kids, and i would not be able to resist because i LOVE his kids so much (we live in different cities as well). but then, i kept thinking, NO WAY!!! i will miss his kids, i miss parts of him, i miss his family, etc. BUT i WILL NOT CONTINUE ON THIS ROAD. i don't care how much it hurts, how much i cry, how badly i miss them all, i am not doing it. i am going to be strong and beat the addiction. i get it, sick of it, i do. my story has been 28 years in the making. young love, absense, coming back together, trauma bonding, attachment, addiction to them, what we thought about them as young women (not even adults yet) versus what they are....hard to let go. but i've personally beaten other addictions and i will beat this one as well. YOU CAN DO IT. EVEN IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT KEEP TELLING YOURSELF YOU WILL NOT RELAPSE. YOU WILL NOT DO IT. YOU ARE STRONG. YOU CAN BEAT THIS ADDICTION AND YOU ARE GOING TO. be your strong self. you can do it :)

I understand how you feel. I am approaching 8 weeks NC to my NH whom I have been with for 25 years. I always have anxiety about going back to him because i have never been able to leave him no matter what he did to me. I have no desire to be with him because he is totally crazy and abusive on every level you can imagine. I just want him to go away and leave me and my family alone. He is constantly trying to call my family members and friends to give me messages that i refuse to listen to. Hang in there I know exactly how you feel and I'm never going back to that madness again.

To him, or something else sick of it? I noted you say you blocked him, is he trying to get around the block to contact you? hang in there and stick around here and let's see if we can work through this with you. stay~striving

Do you have a sponsor in your recover program? If so you need to contact her immediately honey. If your concerns are for your sobriety then she can better assist you in this area. I hate to let our members take on the task of helping you with this b/c it requires those that are involved with the program and have vast more knowledge in drug and alcohol addictions. Not to say you can not discuss this topic with us, but i would suggest and feel more comfortable if your seeking help from the qualified professionals on this one. :) only one way to go...Forward (tm?)