A question about friends

15 posts / 0 new

#1 Nov 4 - 3AM

Anonymous (not verified)

A question about friends

I'd like to raise a topic that is about something I am dealing with at the moment and I have notice is increasingly being talked about lately on this board.....friends.

Since I have started to look after myself with love, care, respect and trust again and I have my healthy boundaries in place the veil has lifted for me. Because of this I have started to notice that certain people, one close friend in particular, are not all they are cracked up to be. I actually recently had a stand off with this particular friend of 20 years who I always thought was good stuff but since dealing with my heartache and coming out of this particular relationship with the Narc I have started to see her for what she is and how she tried to belittle me over the years when she in fact has put up with much worse. Of course there are times when she has been very lovely but for some reason I'm starting to see that over the years she has actually been a major bitch to me. I actually feel like I'm her fall back friend when things are not going well with the current beau whoever that may be at the time. Other people that are my friends and not friendly with her have always told me that they always thought that she tried to belittle me and they have even said she tries to be in competition with you and loves it when you are down but I didn't listen as she was my oldest friend. Looking back there is so much I have come to realize about this friendship but I can't believe I have listened to this bloody women for so many years and let her make me feel shit about myself so often. I have started to realize so much and have gone from thinking of her as my best and oldest friend to someone who I don't want to ever speak to again.

I have come on leaps and bounds with my process and my well~being has soared I still have a long way to go of course, Rome wasn't built in a day.

I was just interested to know how many of you have found that after coming out of this sort of relationship and sticking to the healing drill have started to notice there are other people in your life that you have given to much credence to and put up with there shit and are beginning to have no more of it and erase them from your life as I feel like I am changing at the speed of lightening and although it is really empowering and I feel great it is a bit over whelming at time.

#2 Nov 5 - 9PM

sweetsamm

OMG!! Yes.......i had about

OMG!! Yes.......i had about 5 of them!! Dumped those bitches....totally jealous,all about them,happy when you're miserable,etc.....isn't it wierd how your eyes are so open now to assholes? I'd rather have no friends,N's suck! I'm so much more picky now,and much happier...the only thing to do is to get rid of them,it's hard,but sooo easy compared to splitting from the N man in your life. Good luck,big hugs,and screw bad friends..

#3 Nov 5 - 8PM

PhoebeR

OMG read my other post

You are SO right. I say the same thing in my post "is my best friend one also" I am so aware now of everyone, and everything. I see it in friends and it kind of freaks me out. You begin to think, have they always been this way, and i just did not notice? It is overwhelming, especially when it is someone you have known for a long time. I think it's all part of the healing process, as you change, your eyes are opened and see things more clearly. I am still trying to decide what to do, but I have begun to stick up for myself more, i have to, and you do also.

#4 Nov 5 - 9AM

baddream

Yes, for sure..

I have little tolerance for selfish, entitled, socially disordered personalities anymore, and a greater appreciation for people of substance. When I listen to people now, it is usually with my eyes wide open. I used to be very trusting, seeing the good in everyone; not so anymore, and that is sad-- like losing a good part of myself. That is what N took from me.

#5 Nov 5 - 8AM

BAW

I definitely have noticed!

It's amazing how much I feel that my brain has been defogged concerning everyone this past year! Not only have I noticed which friends of mine are real and not, but I find I have little tolerance for selfish or PD behavior on anyone's part. I've actually dubbed this year "The Year of Trimming the Fat," as I'm done with people in my life that drag me down! I've started to gauge how people make me react. There are those wonderful wonderful friends that when you are around them, you just have fun and feel at peace. KEEPERS :) Then there are those people that raise your stress levels, always seem to have some issue about themselves that trumps anything going on with you and just generate anxiety. I am so done with these people. And life is better for it :) Just to leave you with an actual personal account, one of my "best friends" of 10 years has been out of the country for a couple years. She returned in the midst of my trauma with the N and is "mad" that I never contacted her when she got home, I mean why should MY months of trauma mean anything? So, apparently her big plan to get back at me is that she now hangs out with the N and his OW, while never ever calling to see if I was ok after having been cheated on/getting a divorce. She's too mad at me I guess ;) I'm still confused as to what type of revenge 3 sad, lonely, insane people hanging out together is going to do to me, but hey - they can have each other - misery loves company :) Fat trimmed!

#6 Nov 5 - 8AM (Reply to #10)

Used

baw

when you say your friend is mad b/c you didnt contact her...why didnt she contact you or have i got this wrong? my feeling is this friend likes DRAMA...so b/c she didnt get to know about yours she got pissed....let her stay with your ex and ow they all deserve each other....where as YOU deserve better....my best now exFRIEND also liked drama...if she found out any thing i hadnt told her ...she too got silly...and punished me by talking to narc after i dpopped him....i said they are welcome to each other and i dropped her too..

#7 Nov 5 - 10AM (Reply to #11)

BAW

Used

I agree 100%. You are totally spot on! Who needs people like this???

#8 Nov 4 - 10PM

fedup

I'm not sure

if I'm sticking to the healing drill--I often feel like I'm progressing by leaps...............and stumbles. (LOL) But I'm definitely noticing behavior patterns with some of the people in my life, as my awareness and understanding of PDI's has increased. Don't know if you caught my post in Phoebe's thread about friendship--but I'm in the middle of watching an almost 15 year old best friendship evaporate before my eyes.God, it hurts so much, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry--I'm angry , sad, stunned, and bewildered all at the same time. I had such immense respect and love for this friend that it never occurred to me to think twice when she started acting weird with me--It never occurred to me to think poorly of her, or question her actions...........until she started lashing out at me, fault-finding, and basically painting me black. (at a time when I was already super-low, one of my other best friends just passed away a few months ago) So I was vulnerable, and I actually believed some of the labels she was putting on me. And I realize I probably did overburden her with my relationship issues, trying to make sense of my SO's incongruent behaviors------so I apologized for that . (even though I always thanked her for letting me vent, to which she'd always respond, "Anytime ,babe.I'm here for you, you've always been there for me........" And it's not like I called her daily, crying on her shoulder, we had long conversations 2 or 3 times a month at best. But suddenly I was getting "I'm tired of hearing you complain about the same thing all the time..."So I stopped turning to her for support, but I still tried to keep the friendship alive--I still extended invitations socially and tried to make sure we still had fun girlfriend time together. (I guess she forgot that I spent 5 years listening to her complain and cry about the same guy, with nothing ever changing.she was the OW) She kept blowing me off, not returning calls, or agreeing to plans, just to cancel at the last possible moment with a flippant, breezy, "sorry.." I tried to talk to her about how that was hurting me & she ripped into me, accusing me of "just trying to make her feel bad" or "Just trying to make her feel guilty" After that slap in the face I started thinking about the things she accused me of---and I realized that she was projecting her own bad behavior onto me, cuz she's not capable of owning it herself.Turning the tables to put the spotlight back on me...........and off of her... So it was okay for her to air grievances about my behavior, but I'm not allowed to do the same?No thanks.I've dealt with enough double standards to last me a lifetime.Now that I have a clue about healthy boundaries--I know I don't have to tolerate this. I expect a lot of men to pull crap like this, but coming from a girlfriend-------it cuts all the deeper. I know I'm going to be better off in the long run-------but it really,really hurts.... :0(

#9 Nov 5 - 4AM (Reply to #7)

CarolKittyGale (not verified)

fed~up

Yes I did catch your post and I notice a lot of us on here are seeing things in people that they had been happy to turn a blind eye to before and standing up for themselve since learning about PD's Thank you so much for your in~put, you have put into words exactly how I feel and how my situation is. I know it hurts when people turn out to be not what you thought they were but better to be aware then chipped away at and be labouring at a false friendship. My husband died sometime ago and I lost my mother and nearly lost my son. It all came one after the other so the last 13 years has been a very trying time. Thank you to God as my son pulled through his accident but I realize that life is short and I count my blessings. I am content to be simply myself and don't compare or compete, hopefully everybody should respect you and if they can't respect you,well, now I just walk away. Chin up girlie if your friend can't own her behaviour and likes to project on to you, it sounds rather familiar to me, just like my friend :-(, and you will come to terms with the lost of this friend eventually and from what you have said it is necessary for your healing and I have come to understand this about my friend being in my life because it hurts when they project back on you. Who needs a friend with double standards who wants to compete all the time. Says a lot about that person. I hope you go from strength to strength. We all stumble along the way but we will get there now we know the truth. "The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off"

#10 Nov 5 - 8AM (Reply to #8)

fedup

Thank you so much

for your compassionate reply. It really helps to feel validated about this right now.I don't have a large support network in real life--my only other close girlfriend was recently widowed, so I don't want to lay anything in her lap right now. She's barely hanging in there as it is. There's one other friend in my circle who basically got D&D'd by her, but he didn't have the same close rapport with her or long history that I did. All the same , he's observed that her behavior's been way off for the last couple of years---so that helps me to see that it's not just me overreacting. Looking back now, I'm realizing that she went through a lot of friendships that didn't last---and I was the default choice friend, the faithful standby.That should've been a red flag to me, but I was never inclined to seek out red flags with my friends........Now I know better, but what a painful lesson. Ouch. I like the way you put it --"being chipped away at" . It's a very good description of what this has been like for me.There was never a huge fight or blow-out. (probably because I was always trying to fix everything)It's more me waking up and realizing that I've hit a saturation point. Carol, I'm very sorry to hear of the losses you've been through . You're right, it DOES put things into a new perspective.Life is way too short........... too short to put up with being mistreated by ANYONE. Ever.

#11 Nov 4 - 10AM

Janet

My experience has been a

My experience has been a little different. There are three solid friends who are just that real friends. They were happy for me when I shared with them how happy I was with N/P and listened and empathized when I told them the truth. I care about them and I can tell it is mutual. My sister is my best friend and we seem to grow together through our life's experiences. I have made 1 new friend this year who seems like the real deal too. He stands out as the most insincere, awful person I have met. I guess some part of me did not know that kind of deception was even possible. No more fast friends for me and definitely no fast lovers. Peace. J

Peace. J

#12 Nov 4 - 11AM (Reply to #5)

CarolKittyGale (not verified)

Janet

I am glad you have all these lovely people around you, I count my blessing that I have some really kind and understanding friends, I'd have been lost without them through the trials that life have thrown at me. My experience was that in the years that followed after my husband died I started to think I lost my self-esteem and there was something wrong with me and I'd never be my old self again. I thought I was hopelessly "to nice". After my last narc experience I started to research abusive behaviour and amongst other sites found this one and realized there was nothing wrong with me that a bit of well~being work and confidence building and knowledge about the situation couldn't put right. But as Lisa E. Scott commented in another post on here: Once you realize what you won't tolerate with a man, it makes you see things in your friends you never noticed before. This is what has happened to me where my oldest and so I thought best friend was concerned. I feel sad about it but relieved to be honest.

#13 Nov 4 - 7AM

Used

carolkittygale

as you know i had a "FREIND", like this and was thinking about her today, and thought i am so glad to be out...this freind, used to say ,i am only telling you this for your own good...and then deliver a stinger!!! and if she was good to me ,it was only when it suited her, and i had to repay 10fold..we both like reading so go to library..bit i will also buy books when i like the author.....her, what a waste of money i would never do that[she is mean as well] after i bought them...her can i read it...i fell for this 3times, then said...yes if you pay me half....she didnt ask again..lol..others freinds of mine said cant you see she doesnt like you...but cos i couldnt be with someone i didnt like, i couldnt see it....she lived thru me...my drama with narc ,exh, all my other freinds[all of which didnt speak to her] and the one upmanship was so wearing...if i said white she said off white...the jealousy used to emanate from her face....i always had to phone her...when i did, immediatly she would say have you been out? who have you seen?...i know a lot of people...in the end i would say no didnt see anyone even when i did....her know all behavior specially about narc used to drive me nuts...when i finished with him i said i dont want to talk about him anymore...she said i am glad to hear that....and then procced to tell me she had seen him...who he was with... i said i asked you not to mention him...she said i am just keeping you up to speedWTF...i said why? and then said you sound obbsessed with him...she went ballistic...then she said she had said hi to him....i went ballistic and saidRIGHT i dont want him mentioned again...i mean it....that was on the saturday...i phoned again on the monday...she said can you give me 10minutes...ok...i phoned back she had the phone of the hook...i phoned our phone provider they told me....i contiued phoning nearly 3 hours later...she said oh someone phoned... i said no they didnt our provider said the phone was off the hook... i also said..so cos i dont want all gone now to talk about dramas with exh and narc..no she said i would tell you i thought ...you wont mate... i said bye as if i believed her i have never phoned again...and when seen her out i ignore her....she is a narc she will feel this...the thing is, in my heart i knew she was horrible...she didnt have a good word for anyone...but if i can find 1 redeeming feature in someone...i will use that one thing to keep me in it...and she had bought 3 kids up, something my mum had neaver done....so i used to think she cant be all bad....well only 1 of those kids talk to her now and thats on the phone....there was an article on here yesterday about how they usually end up....it was her to a t....but i guess i have to have the bad...to appreciate the good...sorry i have gone on....bottom line...she was narc again....but hey!all gone now...and i have had a big big learning curve.....

#14 Nov 4 - 9AM (Reply to #2)

CarolKittyGale (not verified)

Used

I am glad you are out of it now hun...what a user she sounds. I so agree with you about the one-upmanship being wearing I don't want to listen to it any more either. I do think it was my romantic Narc relationships(two of the buggers...lol) and then doing research and coming on this site that made me see this in my friend though...has this been the case for you Used??? Since I have been looking after my own well-being and building myself up again it has been like a veil has lifted for me. I thought I would miss her but I haven't. They say you are learning until the day you die and I have certainly learned a lot this year...lol

#15 Nov 4 - 9AM (Reply to #3)

Used

carolkittygale

i did used to think..oh she reminds me of narc but cos she was a woman...i thought no it cant be....but yes coming here made me full in...and the irony...she was always telling me what to do...bossy big time...so she suggested a computer...i said no at first and she said it will help keep you away from narc...so i got a computer and the internet and then found this forum...they say no good deed goes unpunished...b/c what i found on this forum was her with bells on!!! at first i told her that i went on a womens forum to chat...she didnt like that...she suggested the internet to keep me away from narc, but that was about her....when i was with him, i was so wrapped up in him....i didnt realy heed what she said or done...she HATED me with him[well she hated me with any one]...she would say, he doesnt want you. you are just someone to pass the time with...well that may be true ..but did i need to hear it...oh yes for my own good!!! i then kept getting you wouldnt have gone on internet if it hadnt been for me...but i would..one of my kids had suggested it to, and for xmas had bought me a dongle with a 100hrs on it...so after xmas i signed up wih my internet....if she did anything for me, she made me relize, it is not only men who can be predators... i was in touch with her at least 4/5 days a week,for 7yrs yet i dont miss her at all... i told my kids i dont bother any more..and they said hasent she phoned to see why you havent phoned? i said NO, she wont phone she knows i have seen the real her and bullies are cowards..when i am in a freindship i must at times seem passive....but once i want out...i am out...i feel so diffrent in my life without them...and you know what kills them....not knowing what is going on in my life...none of my freinds or family talk to her or narc now...she lived thru me...i remember beign with her once, and someone liked my coat and asked where i had bought it...she said after, oh so she tries to look young as wellWTF...i am actually a nice dresser....but this is who she is and i aint. my mistake as well was saying to her once when i was realy low...i dont know what i would do without you sometimes...she, like narc thought i couldnt live without them and needed them...WRONG..it was the other way round...when a couple of years ago he was stalking me...she said no one can be stalked if they dont want to be....she is a very wicked person.... but thats not my problem now....

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews