As NORMAL people, we can't understand and if I did not do the research I would still be stuck - seriously. Once I did the research and I did tons just like you did and noted that even professionals write these guys off - the acceptance became it's essentially out of my hands I've got to save me.
The emotions were overwhelming hurt and anger I immediately ceased wanting to "help" or "fix" or do anything. In my shituation...yes SHITuation, looking back, what drew me to him was the same thing that destroyed...he claimed to be an addict in recovery for 18 years. That somehow made me say, oh, 18 years how "strong" he is, but he mentioned his "stress" was causing him to want to pick up yada, yada, yada. In hindsight, he was hooking me as his next victim, one foot out the marital home hooking me as a "supportive" friend with tales of victimhood *my story documents the crap...
When I replayed the tape I remembered two very distinct things that should have been a flag. Early on, when telling me about his past "drug" life, he didn't say "I used to be a master manipulator I'd steal your shit and help you look for it" HE SAID: "I AM" HA!...clue number one. NEXT in July when we were going through shit and he was allegedly working the steps...hmmmm he read some gibberish and said "I'm an addict" do you understand that?...Well, now I do! And to look back and say, I'd problably get a better deal with him actively smoking crack?...That kinda sealed the deal for me. I shut down that was it I shut down love, desire, I went autopilot to numb? Then anger came and since that day, I haven't looked upon him with any fondness. I've accepted he played me and it was an illusion so I don't bother with the memories of "good times" because in my mind they were all fake!
Yes, I worked very hard at focusing on making him void of soul, walking dead nothing DEAD AIR...nothing and I don't hate him I just don't care about him. He could die I don't care I really don't care. And I wouldn't go to his funeral either. But somehow he's still in my mind. That is what trips me up. It's hard for you because he's still occupying your physical space and once its final and he physically leaves, you may have other feelings to sort out because on a certain level, I'm not sure how real the severance is.
But the bottom line is, we're all still alive to talk about it...so it may be uncomfortable for a time, but we won't die from it...guess that's the good news!
I kept count of the days I got the "silent treatment" on a calendar. Over a four month period, 33 percent of the time. Then, 25-33 percent spent in his raging about my omissions & commissions. So, the remainder of the month spent in some sort of harmony.
When I wanted to leave him, mine insisted on 'family therapy' to control me. He used the therapist as a proxy abuser. When I tried to tell her about the 'silent treatment,' she say, "You cannot speak when you are 'flooded.'" So, me & my abuser go home & he says, "Therapist says, I'm flooded. I can't talk to you, I'm flooded." For 33 percent of the time, he was flooded.
So, when I finally walk out, he begs me to stay. He loves me. I say, "Look, 33 percent fo the time you were so angry, so flooded, you could not talk to me. Then the time you were angry. More than 50% of the marriage, more than 50-60% of our time spent in anger or silence." He says, "Not true." I say, "I have it all in a calendar." His response, "You're so negative."
I'm the negative one! And all his silence & anger all those days! When I tried to make up, he would say: "This isn't going to end!" No. He wasn't negative because he's the victim of my omissions & commissions. I forced him into silent treatment, flooding & anger.
One can never win with these guys. Shifting sands. Say whatever needs to be said in the moment. Such a mindf**k. And that's emotional rape!
BTW. This article link on 'silent treatment' is very good.
http://voiceofcassandra.wordpress.com/2009/08/04/emotional-abuse-or-gaslighting/
See? I know what it is, I just can't register the idea! I would never hurt someone like this.
This too is a link to a great article. Don't get me started on gaslighting. Mine did this BIG TIME. I read, Robin Stern, THE GASLIGHT EFFECT. I read my husband in this book. He was away on a conference. My N = Intimidator Gaslighter in the book. The worst according to Robin Stern. I read scenes from my marriage in the book. When he came back from his conference, I told him: "I'm outta here!" The book validated me. Saw the hopelessness of my situation. ANd I was terrified of the man. Everything I had suspected was confirmed for me. He did not love me. He was out to get me & destroy me. I was not crazy. As he always told me. As me made me feel. Just like Ingrid Bergman in the movie. I saw everything so clearly. The scales fell from my eyes.
The ex-Psych professor hasn't contacted me in a decade; I haven't seen him in a decade. Thank God for NC AND being able to heal! Frankly, I don't think I would be a published writer if he had stayed in my life.
"I just can't register the idea! I would never hurt someone like this."-I had considered being a teacher. I was even a tutor in Oregon for 2 years... left on good terms. I still can't believe a teacher would hurt a student like that... and I am speaking of the ex-P and myself. I TRUSTED him.
LML,
If there was a chat on here like there will be on the new site, I would chat with you about this.
This topic isn't really for those of us who have had NC for a while. It is for anyone who has realized what was happening to them even if HE still lives with them. I think it's harder for me to have it done all the time to me and have to swallow it knowing what he is doing.
My H was and always will be this type of abuser. I am very emotionally scarred. I have read a little bit about this topic and the more I learn the more I see that my healing will be a long process. I would rather have him beat me than abuse my mind. I'm on my BB so I can't post links for you. When I log onto my desktop, I have a few sites to help you.
It is so hurtful to have someone you thought loved you hurt you everyday on purpose. Especially when you had no idea in the beginning that was his plan all along from day one! If you haven't noticed, this is the one thing I'm having a rough time with because I can't fathom treating someone like that!
Anyone, if you can help with ways to deal with this emotional abuse topic, I am all ears. LML I was going to post this topic today so I am so glad to see it was already done, thank you!
You hit the nail on the head.........even with contact, i feel every time i see him, speak to him i feel like hes emotionally sucking the life out of me, and eventually that may help me to hate him and never want to see him again, im glad i read the post, every time i see him, i will think of this and imagine how he is raping my soul.......thank you Jaycee
You are making a lot of progress, Jaycee. When you begin to see these things so clearly, it is very difficult to feel the same, to be willing to continue this abusive relationship. You are doing it!
almostlydia
I totally agree, what he did to me, verbal, emotional, name calling, projection, always directing his rage at me and not at himself or his mother, who probably caused a lot of it,is emotional blackmail. Examples, like if
I do not pick every every single hair in the bathtub I don't think i will have you come over anymore, anger over the stupidest, most ridiculous things, like telling me I could not leave him a message on his cell phone because it would cost him extra minutes to retrieve it because he was too damn stingy not to have a plan with more minutes and he could afford it, all of this and being treated like a sex object and not a real person, was emotional rape in my book. I was like his own puppet and he could pull the strings whenever he wanted and there I would come running!!
First, our stories are different, so I'll just tell you mine and you can decide what you find useful.
As you probably know, acceptance is the last stage in the grief process - you know anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Just to define even further, what acceptance means to ME is that
I'm not living with anger. I get angry occasionally, but there are no fits of rage, no lashing out at other people or things. My anger is temporary and it's controlled, just like normal anger.
I'm not in denial. I have no doubt that this man is disordered. I see my own role in this clearly. No doubt, it's all very black and white.
No bargaining. I did, when I broke NC and tried to manage his disorder. I see now that I just wanted my high back.
I'm not living with depression. There are low moments, sometimes they stretch out for a bit of time. I'm not exactly where I SHOULD be in terms of living a happy and fulfilled life, but I'm not mired in the shit like I was.
One of the things that helped me shift out of my depression was getting a sense of control on my situation. By accepting that I have been emotionally violated - in an absolute and unwavering faith, with no BUTS or IFS or MAYBES - I freed myself up from some of my burdens.
My depression looked like this: I HATED myself for being stupid and weak. I HATED myself for not being able to snap out of it. I looked at my dirty apartment, all the ways I was failing at my responsibilities and I blamed ME. But there was nothing I could do to stop it. Like the belt had broken and the wheel was just spinning out of control. The car wasn't moving and all I could do was either panic or shut down.
So for me, acceptance came when I said 'Hell, it ain't all on me'. There is a reason I was depressed and miserable. For this, there is no gray area for me. It's all black and white. Factual, like a list or written down in a book. I own it - it's mine, and I can decide what to do with it.
I'm not being pulled back and forth by regret, fear or anger. It's there, but it's under my control. And I never want to let it get the better of me again.
I don't know what the term is, but for me, I used a lot of tricks on myself? For example, once I knew what a narc was, I pictured him in my mind as a zombie - he still looked like he did, but I made his eyes dead. Hollow - no soul. This somehow allowed me to mentally depersonalize him as walking dead...
Like you said, the CD is what is tripping you up but like I've said before, when you have "facts" it's hard to argue. Like math, there is no debating math...it's concrete.
I look at the info as concrete and that is what has helped me to lessen a lot of the CD.
Everyone is different though. It does take a lot of work and willpower a lot of mind over matter. But I busted my behind initially depersonlizing him in my head.
I just read your post about picturing them with hollow, zombie eyes and I think that trick is going to do me a world of good. Those twinkly blue eyes killed me every time.
I am not sure if it's the CD or the fact I have NO TIME to be alone?? Either way I have no acceptance. Betty posted to me a few days back that I am in a "grey area floating.' She said it was normal and that I will come out in my own time. Some of us stay in the grey area a while for whatever reason. I want out of it so I assume that is where the CD comes from?
Blue/Michele's Mission?
LML, this helped me
SIlent Treatment
explanations
Gaslighting
Trying to take stock...
Loveofmylife
Emotional Abuse, blackmail, ect..
emotional rape
Jaycee
jaycee
almostlydia
love of my life
that it what I have come to as well
Darkspark?
blue eyes
Blueyes
Wow Michele
TY Michelle