emotional rape

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#1 Oct 24 - 12AM
loveofmylife
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emotional rape

For those of you who have been nc for some time now....did you find that as time went on, you felt more and more like you had been emotionally raped? Everyday I feel more like that. Here is someone who came into my life, exploited my vulnerabilities, brainwashed me and got me completely hooked to him to where I gave him all of my soul and all of my heart; while he manipulated me to get what he wanted; all the while betraying me behind me back.

Emotional rape is exactly what it feels like.

Oct 26 - 11PM
loveofmylife
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Excellent Article on Emotional rape!

Emotional Rape From Enpsychopedia Contents [hide] * 1 What is Emotional Rape? * 2 Obstacles to Recovery * 3 Characteristics of Emotional Rapists o 3.1 What Makes an Emotional Rapist? * 4 Discussion * 5 Further Reading What is Emotional Rape? According to Michael Fox, Ph.D., emotional rape is similar in many ways to physical rape, particularly date rape. Date rape involves the sexual use of someone's body without consent which amounts to theft of the person's physical sensorium. In a like manner, emotional rape is the theft of someone's higher emotions, such as love, without consent. However, in the case of emotional rape the lack of consent is contained in the fact that the individual is being lied to by the perpetrator. Emotional rape can happen to both men and women. Both forms of rape can be very devastating and require specialized programs for recovery. Obstacles to Recovery Several major obstacles are encountered in recovery from emotional rape that do not exist when considering physical rape. The first is that the victim is aware that something bad happened, but, due to lack of knowledge doesn't know what or why. Also, as in date rape, the victims often feel that they will never be able to love or trust anyone again. Other obstacles to recovery, again similar to date rape, are the re-victimization of the victim by friends, family, and society ("you were stupid", "how could you let this happen", "...told you they were bad news", "you were naive", etc.) and the subsequent tendencies toward self-blame and silence about what happened. Characteristics of Emotional Rapists Without exception, victims describe two predominant characteristics of their rapists: 1. They are charismatic, attractive personalities, likely to be widely admired. 2) They can completely conceal their true, manipulative, power-seeking natures. These two observations draw highlight one of the central features of Emotional Rape: it can happen to anyone. The widely varying backgrounds and personalities of those who have become victims of emotional rapists demonstrate the danger in thinking that "It could never happen to me." It is sometimes difficult to believe that no moral responsibility rests with the victim - because he or she was weak, naive, or otherwise "to blame" - but that it lies with the rapist, whose ability to conceal his or her true self and to present a false self with the intent of preying on others, is so practiced, so convincing, that almost anyone could be deceived. What Makes an Emotional Rapist? See psychopathy, narcissistic personality disorder, characteropathy, ponerology. Discussion It is no exaggeration to describe emotional rape as the most underrated trauma of our age; the effects are powerful and potentially destructive. Victims are forced to cope with a tangle of conflicting emotions, experiencing all the traumatic after effects of both rape and loss. This confused pattern of emotional responses is very similar to that experienced by victims of sexual rape. It's a pattern commonly identified as post-traumatic rape syndrome, although victims of emotional rape will be unaware that this is what is happening to them. While these confused emotions are entangled and difficult to separate and/or categorize, it is possible to identify certain generalized feelings which characterize the emotional aftermath. Principally, these are: - Denial - Isolation - Feeling 'Had' or 'Used' - Loneliness and Despondency/Depression - Rage and Obsession - Inability to Love or Trust - Loss of Self-Esteem - Confusion - Erratic Behavior - Hidden and Delayed Reactions - Fear and Anxiety Further Reading The Emotional Rape Syndrome
Oct 27 - 1PM (Reply to #47)
jen79
jen79's picture

that explains

why I felt like a victim of rape, I couldnt explain that to anyone, I just knew, thats how rape victims must feel like.
Oct 27 - 1PM (Reply to #46)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

Thanks, LOML, it is an

Thanks, LOML, it is an excellent article. I hope everyone here reads it. In fact, I'm thinking of printing it out to hand to everyone that hears but doesn't 'know'. almostlydia

almostlydia

Oct 25 - 8PM
PumpKyn80
PumpKyn80's picture

Emotionally raped is the

Emotionally raped is the perfect word to describe my feelings about my involvement with my ExN. Its not a good feeling at all.
Oct 24 - 9PM
girlfriday
girlfriday's picture

Yes. I definitely felt this.

Yes. I definitely felt this. Especially when I realized that he had been key-logging everything I'd ever written on my computer since our first email, including my journal and my passwords, thus my emails. He literally got inside my head and knew pretty much every thought I'd ever thought, which he had no right to know. It's a helpless feeling. The shock of it has worn off. Now I simply accept it. He stole parts of me, though not with physical force. But with surreptitious, mental force. Against my will, not being privy to the TRUTH. It is rape. Why can't I hate him?
Oct 24 - 12PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Emotional rape

Thank God I have not been physically raped or forced. I've been blackmailed and given into sex when I didn't want it, but that's the extent of the physical part of it. I feel completely emotionally raped. Rape is not "sex" but an aggressive "power over" another person, a violent invasion of a personal boundary. Your body is a pretty concrete kind of personal boundary. Less concrete, but just as REAL is your emotional boundaries. The effect is the same. And I even believe the effect on the BODY, in emotional rape is the same. At least it has been for me. My body is extremely sensitive. Like a scared little bunny rabbit. It is healthy and doesn't get sick all that much, but it is very emotional (as bodies go). And a year and a half before I ended the relationship, I could not have sex with my exN. No matter HOW I tried to psyche myself up. I couldn't even sleep in the same bed with him. My hackles went up when he walked in the room . . . and I was still in massive denial, still hoping and wishing he'd change, still trying. In my head. Talk about cognitive dissonance!! But my body said NO WAY. My body set a boundary even I couldn't bash down to please the N. I read books and looked on line for "women's low sex drive" and even considered that it was hormones (in my 40s) and that I needed hormone replacement. LOL. I haven't been physically raped, but I wonder if my body didn't respond exactly like many bodies would if they HAD been physically raped. Our body/mind connection is pretty . . . connected, at least mine is lol. Good topic.
Oct 24 - 5PM (Reply to #38)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Why I was in shock...

I was fortunate that I NEVER got physically/romantically involved with the ex-Psych professor, but I think the trauma after the final D&D was DEFINITELY that of being emotionally raped. When I tried to end things on a happy, clean note, make a nice goodbye, he ACCUSED me of a "violent invasion of personal boundaries." Yes, when I congratulated him on being engaged and wished him well! I was in too much shock to do much. Somehow I managed to graduate. I was too shocked to really give voice to my pain. I spent a lot of my time during the final D&D... just crying. I felt emotionally raped... by my own teacher. Of course, I felt ashamed. I felt ashamed for falling in love with a teacher, and he wanted to make sure I paid a hefty price. What's sad is I know I'm not his only victim;so was a gay professor (now a lawyer) and one of his male disciples.
Oct 24 - 9PM (Reply to #41)
girlfriday
girlfriday's picture

Susan 32

You mean "Ex-psycho" professor, right? When you write "ex-psych" professor, it reads like an ex-Psychology professor. And that's much too benign an image for him :-) You believe he was/is a psychopath, correct?
Oct 25 - 6AM (Reply to #42)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Yes,it's short for...

Psychopath. He was put in mental hospitals as a child. He didn't teach psychology.
Oct 24 - 8PM (Reply to #39)
moonshine
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i was shocked too susan

The shock paralyzed me and kept me not able to move out of his house for 2 months. But...NO ONE validates my feelings though....he is still a good guy
Oct 24 - 9PM (Reply to #40)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Moonshine,

No one here thinks he's a good guy!
Oct 24 - 10AM
gigi9
gigi9's picture

Spot on!

Spot on!
Oct 24 - 9AM
chickon2
chickon2's picture

Exactly

I said this to someone just the other day.. I feel like he raped me, and the worst part of it.. Is that he keeps on doing it, to others.. AND the control freak inside me wants to tell everyone.. AND I want him to be caught.. AND THE WORST, WORST part of it... Is that if I saw him, I would probably be weak all over again.. AND That makes me sick to myself..
Oct 24 - 10AM (Reply to #35)
Meadowbrook
Meadowbrook's picture

Perfect summary

Chickon2, I like your summary. It really sums up how I feel at this exact moment. I'm struggling with exposing him. It's really a battle within myself daily. My husband knows everything now and he sees me start crying in public places because of a trigger and it makes him want to retaliate by exposing the N. I'm hanging on right now doing nothing because I know I'm not thinking clearly. But it's really hard to feel so totally violated, have the means to expose the person, but know deep down that it would probably be a terrible idea for many reasons. I know he's doing it to others just like me and it makes me sick to think of other women going through what I've gone through....
Oct 24 - 8AM
faithinthefuture
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LOML

I've been NC for 7 months today. Cheers! I was married when I met the N. I was married to a good man, we have since divorced and are the best of friends. the N & I started out as friends talking about our relationships. I knew I would somday divorce my H because I wanted a partner not just someone to bring home the paycheck. I used to tell him all I need you for is your paycheck. There was no emotional attachment. I now believe the N used this to get me. And he used to pressure me when was I getting divorced. Even tho 2 months into our relationship he started ignoring me and I found out he was dating someone else. He ended it after he "fucked" me twice...his words to a friend not mine...and left me bawling my eyes out. I didn't notice the emotional rape at the time it was happening but since NC I find myself thinking back over the years and his treatment of me. And boy do I see it now! I was very naive. I attribute that to the fact I have always been very open and honest with my feelings. How can someone deal with things if it's not the truth? I could never and will never understand that. When he moved by me(it only lasted 7 months) the emotional rape, head games, lies became so much worse. He promised me when he moved here we would give this 100% because we wanted to be together. I gave. He didn't. What he did give was all lies. That for me is the hardest part to wrap around my brain. After all we had been thru in the 10 yrs we were involved(w/many D&Ds) why would he move 600 miles from his home to be with me? And play the head games and the put downs and the lies and then cheat again when he went home for a funeral?!! I gave him my heart and soul and he raped it. I want nothing to do with him. He will never be a part of my life again. He makes me sick to my stomach. What's helped me is coming here. And reading what others have gone thru are still going thru and how and what they are doing to move on. I know I will never get any answers from him. I don't want any answers from him. Too ask him how could he do this to me? Even if he did try to tell me something I wouldn't believe him. He spews lies never any truth. That I guess is what helps me A LOT! And when I think about him I see a fake pathetic user of everyone in his life. From his parents to his neices/nephews friends. He only wants and does what makes him look better. Superficial asshole.
Oct 24 - 10PM (Reply to #33)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

faithinthefuture

wow -our stories sound very similar . how it all started. The lonely marriage that I felt would not work out long term...opening up a big fat door for the Narc to mess with my mind and extract what he wanted from me. And the more time that passes, the more I see how fake he is and how he just says whatever makes sense at the moment to get what he wants at that moment. And how he lies to get what he wants in that moment. It takes awhile for that fog to clear. I could see nothing while under his spell...but now I am starting to SEE! And how others have said - I struggle everyday with exposing him to other married women that are possibly still under his spell. But I won't because it could turn into a horrible mess. And it kills me how everyone else still believes he is the "nicest guy in the world"!
Oct 24 - 7AM
Meadowbrook
Meadowbrook's picture

LOML

Yes, emotionally raped is exactly how I feel. The more I have come out of the "fog" and have read and learned and better understand what he did, the angrier and more hurt I feel. In my case, I am married and very faithful to my husband, never giving other men ANY romantic attention. But my marriage was more like being roommates and I was very vulnerable because I was so sad at the thought I would have to live my life without love and sex. Now that I can see things more clearly I realize the N who came into my life was more like a calculating sociopath who targeted me and exploited me. Once he roped me in with his lies and his "act" and I had betrayed my husband and my values he started to objectify and degrade me - slowly and subtly at first. The one night that I spent with him in a hotel he raped me. He knew I couldn't tell anyone because I was married and didn't want my husband to know I had willingly gone to his hotel room. How would I explain that??? How could I go to the police and explain that I had gone to his hotel room FOR sex but claim he raped me? Of course he knew this which is why he targets married women who have no voice. So, yes, I do feel emotionally raped and physically raped and have no recourse. Based on the concept of not giving them "supply" I can't even rage at him about it. I have to just suck it up and deal and watch as he goes on with his life with no repercussions. I had to quit my job, which I needed because of the psychological damage of this (we worked together). I have been totally screwed over but yet most people would have little to no sympathy because I am an adulteress. I live in my own private hell.
Oct 25 - 6PM (Reply to #31)
Jewwell
Jewwell's picture

Meadowbrook

I am so sorry to hear what he did to you. Very similar to my story, too. Way too many things have been discussed and he has crossed too many boundaries and I realize that I have, too. My new therapist said they target married women because they assume that we will be ashamed to discuss them with others.
Oct 24 - 10PM (Reply to #30)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

meadowbrook

same here. I am very faithful to my husband...never even came close to crossing the line with ANYONE in 23 years other than narc. I'm soooo careful about this. But of course, with Narc it was different, we were "soulmates" and our souls were meant to be together, right? Ha. My marriage was roommates from almost the beginning. And I was sad too at the thought of never having love in my life and going for VERY long periods without sex. Because that is not how I'm built - I'm a greek girl who is very passionate and needs close companionship. It is how I am wired! I am so, so sorry for your experience at the hotel; that is horrifying. I will say one thing about my N, from the beginning he told me he would never ask me to do anything that was against my values... and he didn't.
Oct 24 - 9PM (Reply to #29)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Meadowbrook

I know about the emotional aspects of feeling emotionally raped; however, I cannot even speak of the trauma that would accompany the physical. I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope you get the support, empathy, compassion and love you deserve. Keep healing one day at a time.
Oct 24 - 9PM (Reply to #27)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

You have our complete

You have our complete sympathy ((((Meadowbrook)))) and no one with a conscience would not have sympathy for a rape victim no matter what circumstances led up to it. The circumstances prior to being raped are IRRELEVANT. You made an error in judgment (with a ton of help from the sociopath). You met him for SEX. What he did was not sex, it was violence. I need to go read your story . . . but are you getting any outside help with this (therapy or counseling)? This is HUGE, something a person should not have to deal with alone. A face to face person in your life to work this out with is very important -- and of course, all of us here.
Oct 25 - 12PM (Reply to #28)
Meadowbrook
Meadowbrook's picture

Thank you

I have not posted my complete story yet. There's another woman involved with the same N/P who I pointed to this forum when I was trying to help her. But I believe she is still involved with him and I'm afraid to post too many details at this time. I've been seeing a therapist since late June. Just last week she started doing EMDR on me and I have session #2 this afternoon. Up until now she's been treating it like just another affair which in my gut I have not believed. She doesn't want me to be "a victim" which is understandable. But I feel like I need her to BELIEVE that I WAS a victim and treat me as such. I don't want to remain in that state, by any means, I want to heal. But I suppose there needs to be some validation first. I am convinced I have PTSD and really need therapy specifically for that. I also emailed another therapist today who specializes in relationships with pathologicals. He has some openings and I'm hoping working with him will be more helpful. THis board has been wonderful and I gain a lot from reading here. It's also given me some renewed hope that there truly are kind and helpful, loving people in the world. :-)
Oct 24 - 9PM (Reply to #26)
girlfriday
girlfriday's picture

meadowbrook

Hugs to you. My heart goes out to you having read your post. Being targeted by a calculating sociopath is particularly distressing. They know exactly what they are doing, the ramifications, and the outcome. It's happened to me, but not on the same level. Still, you are left with this sudden, new reality that evil exists. And it's a scary realization.
Oct 24 - 7AM (Reply to #25)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

meadowbrook..

He raped you? that bastard. Do not feel that you were an adulteress. I was also in a bad marriage when i met the narc but was getting separated at that time and actually got out. I know how you feel but please dont let it hurt you. I also feel he did it cos i was in a very vulnerable position except the fact that he thought i would not go around talking about us cos i was separated and not divorced. i still work together. it is a big time emotional rape except he acts all innocent when i confronted him.
Oct 24 - 7AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Rape & Robbery

I feel both raped & robbed. What is hard for me to deal with is that I consented, aided & abetted, on a certain level. But, at the time, I did not know what was really happening. It was a con . . . a sting operation. The humiliation of having been duped into giving away everything to a con-artist. For those of us who married or lived with these men . . . the loss of self-identity, the loss of control, and the loss of money, is sometimes so profound. I do not know if I will ever get over what he did to me. And the kicker is . . . in his mind . . . he's the victim & he never even thinks of me now. I am so far in the past for him. For me, & what I have read, these realizations are a stage in trauma recovery. So, for you, maybe this is good. Your NC has been so successful that you now see this man for what he really is. At least no longer pine for the false demi-god as he had once installed himself into your life.
Oct 26 - 11PM (Reply to #20)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

agnesmurphy

this is exactly what I would say, I aided and abetted but had no earthly idea. I accepted the blame for a long time because I was married when I got involved with the exN. But just recently, I refused to take all the blame anymore. I was horribly neglected for years in a marriage that I made under the guise of companionship. I had been nothing more than a housekeeper, nanny, and at his convenience, companion, for years. If it had not been for the children, I would have left 10 yrs before. So I refuse to take the blame for it all, because if my husband had been a husband I would never had been so terribly vulnerable. This was not a moment of neglect but a lifestyle of it. And I shed all the guilt over it. I had actually believed I was getting what I deserved with the N for my 'sins' for long enough. I won't ever feel guilty about it again. this is the 'gray' in a black and white world. I googled emotional rape along time ago when someone else used the term. It is that alright, in the worst way. almostlydia

almostlydia

Oct 27 - 12PM (Reply to #21)
Meadowbrook
Meadowbrook's picture

almostlydia

Your description of your marriage sounds similar to mine and is exactly how the N targeted me. One of the first things he asked me was "how often do you and your husband have sex?" I was taken aback and don't think I answered then but he launched into his sad tale about his wife and how she treats him. We ended up bonding over this supposed same sad situation. Now I know it was just his strategy that he probably uses with lots of women in our particular situations. It's painful being in a marriage like that and the vulnerability is understandable. I ended up confessing to my husband. But even though he was devastated and held me accountable, as he should have, he DID own up to his part in making me vulnerable to this charlatan creep. I think if he had been TOO hard on me our marriage would have been over. We are still together because he has treated me with love and forgiveness but also just enough taking of "ownership" for his part. My personal view is that betrayal is always wrong. But unfortunately, the person who had the affair is portrayed as the devil and the other spouse the victim. I get the difference. I'm not saying what I did was okay. But there is some blame to be laid at the feet of husbands or wives who emotionally and/or sexually abandon their spouses or abuse them in other ways. It's not always black and white as you said.
Oct 27 - 1PM (Reply to #22)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

Meadowbrook

It sounds like you are fortunate to have a very smart husband. It is so important for them to 'own' part of the responsibility. The ex husband and I are still very good friends, divorced 10 yrs, and he is probably my greatest supporter. Some friends voted us 'the best divorced couple' award.:) I was quite ashamed of myself for a long long time, until recently, during all of this deep thinking I have gone through and actually got a little angry over it. I did learn a very good lesson, amongst many, I will never hurt another person in that way again. The pain the exN caused me with all his cheating, taught me the hard way how painful it is. Likewise, I will never be involved with a married man, for what I know it does to the wife. almostlydia

almostlydia

Oct 27 - 1PM (Reply to #23)
Meadowbrook
Meadowbrook's picture

Amen to that

I'd rather be eaten alive by a grizzly bear than ever go down this path again with all the pain and misery it causes - to everyone. It's been a tough lesson but, almost unbelievably, my marriage is much better as a result. So sad that is took this disaster but I'm thankful that God has found a way to bless me in spite of my transgressions. Now I just have to deal with my own personal pain and shame and the ptsd but am determined to have a better life as a result of this experience.
Oct 24 - 7AM
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

BTW on Emotional rape..

I think that my issue is I CANNOT understand anyone who would do this to another person. I guess I can't accept anything. I can do NC and save my kids but at the same time I can't accept. I know I will. Michelle did you make this your only mission? Focus? What was your drive for acceptance? I seem stuck here for now. Maybe NC will enlighten all of this. WEDNESDAY ladies! I can't wait! At the same time what more symtoms will I expierence after wednesday with NC? I wasn't expect CD so what whopper now? Depression? NO time for that!