why the apologies?

25 posts / 0 new

#1 Jul 29 - 9PM

grossot

why the apologies?

N used to appologize when we argued.

Is this characteristic or not? Every time we argued he was the first to say he was sorry. Or at least say 'are going to talk about this?'

Was he just trying to get me to appologize? Did he just want control?

I'm just asking b/c I feel like a bad person for not being the first to break down and admit fault. I used to brag about him doing this.

Feel free to comment. I won't be offended.

#2 Aug 2 - 2PM

Carolyn

It was just his style and

It was just his style and his way of getting the best of you. why would anyone say something negative about his being the first to apologise and somehow making you wrong? You are looking for reasons to stay connected to him in your head and blaming yourself for nothing. He was a jerk, you were smart and called an end to a bad relationship, you should be given a lot of paraise for doing this. You have a host of good things coming in your direction. One of the things that people don't realize is that when you end a bad relationship you are showing that in the Law of Attraction this isn't what you want to attract-that means what you do want to attract will be the opposite of what the 'bad guy' was and it is out there and coming in your direction. If psychologically you were still involved with a narcissist that would mean that that was where it was at for you and you would stay until the final end. Good for you you got clear of the train wreck and now you have some good traveling coming down the tracks!

#3 Jul 30 - 6PM

liselotte

reply to my apology

My ex's reply to MY apology: 'You should never say sorry if that's how you feel'. They make you bend over for it. They grill you on their bbq and eat you with contempt.

#4 Jul 30 - 6PM

liselotte

How NOT to apologise

My N would apologise because I 'obviously' felt bad (not because he was truly sorry for what he had done). It's like saying; I'm sorry YOU feel that way. That's NOT an apology, that's turning it back to your behavior once again... the text you quoted from the Heartless Bitches site was done without appropriate link attribution. The owners of that site will not allow their content to be reposted - we can only link to it. therefore that portion of your post had to be removed

#5 Jul 31 - 6AM (Reply to #22)

liselotte

how to not apologize when you have seriously f-d up

sorry - h-b allows us to publish the links but not the text http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/apology.shtml

#6 Jul 30 - 6PM (Reply to #21)

James (not verified)

liselotte

LOVE IT and Thanks! http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/

#7 Jul 30 - 6PM

James (not verified)

You say what??

Thanks Ladies, interesting view on their half-ass attempt to say three simple words.. I am Sorry and how they canâ€™t even do that right.. To me a apology from them is like a snake, you know you were given something but it wiggles in your hands and ends up biting you for accepting it. So for me anyway! I tell them/her to keep the apology that will only bite me back. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/

#8 Jul 30 - 5PM

grossot

shutting us up

That's part of the answer: trying to shut us up by evoking sympathy. The only reason I feel sorry for your psycho-boy is for his unfortunate grammar issues! Ha! Idiot. Well, they will never learn. He will be conning women in the rest home he spends his last days. Hey. Maybe ill be working in that rest home and I can provide him some real therapy! You know, I work with the elderly every day and I can tell you there are dozens of older couples I see where the man has obviously N'ly abused his wife. You can just see it in the woman's eyes (no offense James and other male readers). So sad. Decade after decade.... When will it end?... Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet; for everyone is fighting some kind of battle - anonymous- :o) nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#9 Jul 30 - 10AM

whatever2009

they are all the SAME!

MARIE!!!!!!!! Were we with the same GUY! GOSH! Mine would do the same thing.... My N would often apologize but always add it wasn't necessary for him to do it because he really had done nothing wrong. It was always some misunderstanding on my part. Mine always would say he has been nothing but honest with me. Told me he couldnt commit and give me what I wanted, but would act as tho he could. He would also say jaw dropping things as well. What GARBAGE! The only way he would apologize is when I would not answer his calls, and only threw text messages....and even then it would be..."im sorry YOUR hurt" "im sorry, I caused YOU pain"....I am who I am. BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Keep in mind he would always try and get me to just forget, or act like nothing happened FIRST.... GOD I HATE HIM sometimes.....

#10 Jul 30 - 4PM (Reply to #17)

Marie

Twins

Do you live on the east coast maybe it is the same SOB, lol. He would say the same thing after we broke up. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with this. Of course he wasn't, he would walk around whistling or singing but that eventuall stopped. He went into hiding after awhile thankfully. I got that honest speech too what a crock that was. He wouldn't know what honest was if it slapped him upside the head. His way of being honest is to tell you stuff but there's always an under lying deceitful thing going on. That's how I started learning so much about him. When I caught on to him I listened and took note of names. It was very eye opening. I made him uncomfortable by divulging some information I had come by and said it's amazing how much someone can learn about another on the internet. He didn't rage or say anything but it was the look on his face that said I hit pay dirt big time. He also went into hiding again after that, lol. Of course he returned and acted as if all was well, which is something I don't get. I hate mine too. I'm so glad he's in his avoidance phase again hope he stays there.

#11 Jul 29 - 10PM

Marie

Good guy bad guy

I think it was just another N ploy to come across as the "good guy" and be in control. My N would often apologize but always add it wasn't necessary for him to do it because he really had done nothing wrong. It was always some misunderstanding on my part. He would always use his little catch phrase of "no offense" and then say something jaw droppingly offensive. They are just too much!

#12 Jul 29 - 9PM

quietude (not verified)

grossot

This so much brought back memories of my ex saying to me in anger, 'why is it that it's always ME who apologizes, ME who has to make the first move?? It's YOUR turn now, I'm done with that'. First, he caused the damn fights. He SHOULD have apologized. Secondly, he didn't ALWAYS apologize first, there were many times I'd come crawling back, so confused, so hurt, but wanted to keep the peace, so I'd say I'm sorry. He made me feel like I was stubborn and unforgiving. Well, I guess he must REALLY freaking thing that now since I've been totally NC!

#13 Jul 30 - 7PM (Reply to #13)

grossot

Sorry quietude. I accidently

Sorry quietude. I accidently addresed you as finally done in my reply. Hard to navigate on a blackberry. I think our N are alike. Your post made me think of how,like ypou, I got the runnaround about why he always had to appologize. I'm glad you jarred my memory. I'm amazed at how much bad stuff my brain kept hidden away. I bragged to my friend about his wonderful apologies. I even said. "I wish I could be more like him". I wish I could pray for a life size eraser for that one. I also bragged about how much he helped me at home. He threw it back in my face. "If I'm such a bad person why did you brag to your friends about me?" Well that's what people do when others do for them. Praise people for their good works. If only I had known he was conditioning me.... Thanks quietude Keep up the NC- you are doing fabulous! Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet; for everyone is fighting some kind of battle - anonymous- :o) nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#14 Jul 30 - 7PM (Reply to #14)

quietude (not verified)

grossot

I understand! My sister mentioned how lucky I was to have a guy who loved to cook and helped me clean. But ya, it's always used to their advantage. Nothing with them is given freely without question....except their BS of course. And you're right, this is what people "do"...they do good things for each other because they love each other and are building a life together. Simple concept, huh? Do you do what I do and look at happy couples and think hmmm, I wonder what they're really like behind closed doors, or there must be 'something' wrong. They just make it look to easy! I'm trying hard to get away from so much suspicion, while training myself for the red flags...it's a delicate balance! But...I am relieved to have some of that 'normalcy' back in my life...even though I'm solo, at least it doesn't feel like constantly living on the edge. Thanks for the comment about NC, it's not as tough as it used to be, and it's because of this site, as well as others, and the people like you contributing and sharing their stories! Hugs!

#15 Jul 29 - 9PM

James (not verified)

Good Question

According to Perfect Apology the key steps in any good apology are: 1. a detailed account of the offence 2. acknowledging the hurt caused 3. taking personal responsibility 4. recognising oneâ€™s role 5. stating oneâ€™s regret 6. asking for forgiveness 7. promising that it wonâ€™t happen again 8. offering resititution http://victimofcon07.wordpress.com/ I would guess that if this person did each one all those points then that person in fact tried to "apologize" and wanted to really "talk about it".. Did He?

#16 Jul 29 - 10PM (Reply to #11)

grossot

in answer to james' ?

1. No 2. Yes (I know what I did made you do x y and z to me) 3. Nope 4. Yes (I know I'm selfish) 5. Hell no! 6. Absolutely not 7. (Does "I'll try" count?) 8. Definately! (I'll do A B C if you promise to do XYZY Thanks for letting me see that through, James! And quietide: you make good points. My N did start the arguement to begin with. I could let things go but he had to point out every little thing! Things I didn't even see as issues! Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet; for everyone is fighting some kind of battle - anonymous- :o) nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#17 Jul 29 - 10PM (Reply to #9)

grossot

in answer to james' ?

1. No 2. Yes (I know what I did made you do x y and z to me) 3. Nope 4. Yes (I know I'm selfish) 5. Hell no! 6. Absolutely not 7. (Does "I'll try" count?) 8. Definately! (I'll do A B C if you promise to do XYZY Thanks for letting me see that through, James! And finallydone you make good points. My N did start the arguement to begin with. I could let things go but he had to point out every little thing! Things I didn't even see as issues! Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet; for everyone is fighting some kind of battle - anonymous- :o) nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#18 Jul 29 - 10PM (Reply to #10)

James (not verified)

Thanks for the feedback

You are welcome grossot! I was laughing as I read off your reply so thanks for that too!!

#19 Jul 29 - 9PM (Reply to #2)

quietude (not verified)

good point

James, thanks for the reminder - his 'apologies' were non-apologies. Usually as in, I'm sorry I did this, BUT...(and then blame shift).

#20 Jul 29 - 10PM (Reply to #3)

James (not verified)

quietude

I know I never received one of those apologies from my ex and really don't expect too. I know I was once hook back into our relationship with "apologies" and know how they will just it as emotional manipulation to bring us back to them, so please be careful whenever they tell you "I'm sorry". I now keep this points on a the perfect apology close by whenever someone tell me "I'm sorry".

#21 Jul 29 - 10PM (Reply to #4)

quietude (not verified)

james

Oh yes, I fell for the sad, puppy dog eyes and quivering voice more than once. They are such great actors, and we fall for it. Of course, I didn't know back then WHAT he was, so I thought he was sincere. How could someone fake that?? This is why it's much easier to keep my distance now, thinking of how he knew his manipulation worked, how he didn't care that he was hurting me and ruining my life.

#22 Jul 29 - 10PM (Reply to #5)

James (not verified)

Guess it just human nature

quietude, All I know is that I too fell for it hook line and sinker. Guess it just human nature that a display like this will soften our hearts. Reading the book now called A Deadly Game by Catherine Crier writes how Scott Peterson did this to Amber Frey twice, once when her friend find out about him being married and again after he killed his wife and she contacted the police and they set him up recording their phone conversations. Thank God Ms. Frey didn't fall for his display a second time.

#23 Jul 29 - 10PM (Reply to #6)

Barbara (not verified)

grossot

I will let you figure out why he did it - after reading some on-target thoughts from my friend Anna on the Narc's (cough) apologies... http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2006/10/last-incarnation-of-non-apology.html http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2006/10/narcissists-and-denial-of-remorse-and.html and my FAVORITE link on apologies: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/apology.shtml Now - what do YOU think? ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

#24 Jul 29 - 11PM (Reply to #7)

grossot

That SOB! He was "evoking

That SOB! He was "evoking sympathy" from me. Also, the narc ALWAYS expected immediate forgiveness. I was not granted permission to sleep on it or think it over. These fuc*ing liars! He was the best "Christian" I ever met too! God - his parents did a lot of damage! apparently his mother said about the affair "I know it what mostly his fault!" Is this supposed to be 'deviding the blame equally?!' AS always, Barbara, Thank you! Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet; for everyone is fighting some kind of battle - anonymous- :o) nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#25 Jul 30 - 12AM (Reply to #8)

Barbara (not verified)

grossot

good girl. like I keep trying to say THEY ARE NOT HUMAN - they are SHEER EVIL. now let me share with you the (GAG) apology that PsychoBoy sent me and Elizabeth after we caught him out (this is BEFORE he start posting crap like THIS online non-stop and got a detective friend of his to hassle me by giving the guy incomplete and made-up information about me!!) TO: Barbara, Elizabeth FROM: Psycho-Boy DATE: 3/26/2004 I am writing down every day. I see the pain I cased every second of very day. my wife crying (sometimes she throws up) every day and ail cause of me. My kids having no interpersonal relationships because I have been selfish ant too lazy to give them the attention thy deserve. I have a friend my [clergyman] who I made feel so uncomfortable by mixing him up in all this Even quitting the #### was selfish. . And I am also profoundly sorry for the pain that I have cased to you both. Every Day I pray to God to relive your pain and that of my family. and then I pray that he bring me closer to [Him] in mind and spirit. so I can change the kind of horrible person I have been. Barbara you are right about those 12 Steps but they take time...the first one was discussing it all and that goes way beyond my time on line it goes to the way I relate to my family help my kids,. My rabbi says to do true teshuva (repentance), I have to change, and I am working on int,,,it is a lng drawn out process.,. I got rid of aol adn yahoo and only have the original MSN I dont go ton here, I was advised to no longer put my self in oppottunities where I have to be strong at least untill I have shanged form the creep I was, .Someday with Godâ€™s help I may be a decent human being again.. Am truely sorry for the pain I caused and all I can say is that ai sm trying to make that person go away Ihis is from the heart, wheater u believe or not. Don't worry James, my therapist already counted the times I, me and my were used... He's still online - he's all over it - has every messenger, social networking tool possible... posting his right wing blather and trolling for prey. He never stopped - just adjusted his identity. I didn't buy a word of it - in fact it triggered me so bad I had to go to the E.R. an hour after I received it. It was trying shut us up by 'evoking sympathy.' Puhleeeze ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

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