Everything is the opposite

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#1 Oct 18 - 6PM

Nothanx

Everything is the opposite

I am remembering one of the things that bothered me the most. It took me a while to pin-point it, but it is that he does everything opposite from what a normal person would do. If I don't want him to call, he calls off the hook; if expect him to call he goes silent; if he should cry, he laughs; if he should feel bad for someone, he criticizes them...and so on. He could be the most generous person in the world, but if I asked him for something it would be like pulling teeth to get him to do it. Why are they so contradictory?

The latest example is that he has been begging me since I went no contact with him to talk to him or forgive him and spend time with him. I have completely ignored all his requests for communication, but last week, in a moment of weakness, I responded nicely and we exchanged a few emails to catch up. I kinda had it in my mind that now that I was nice to him he would make an effort to stay in contact with me, and I was worried that I had opened Pandora's box! Well long story short... he has gone silent and is not contacting me at all. I know this is for the best, but it just went to show me that he is always going to do the opposite of what I expect of him.

#2 Oct 19 - 3PM

backwards thinking

OMG how true this is!! When we were married--he was never home, verbally abusive, rarely went to daughter's games, events, etc. Now that we are divorced---he finds any excuse to stop by my house, attends daughter's games, wants to call her each night, demands that I talk to him, acknowledge him in public..

#3 Oct 19 - 4PM (Reply to #24)

mystwoman

The same thing with my xnh.

The same thing with my xnh. When we were married, he found every excuse to be gone away from me. He'd volunteer to do ANYTHING for everyone BUT me...whatever it took. If I asked him to do something for me, it was like pulling teeth. He was always so "busy" and "important". During the day, when I actually WANTED him to stay in town near me, he would find every excuse to be at the site 65 miles from town so that he couldn't eat lunch. He knew that's what I wished...so no way with that one. Sad to say, we work at the same place. He'd come back in the evenings to leave work, and insist that I stand around waiting for him filter through all of his five million emails and he talked to anyone that happened to appear in his door. It was like he was saying, "I'm just SO important, and you're not." He actually did tell me that I was "just the wife", implying that time with me was not important. I guess wanting to spend time with my husband was a hideous thing to wish from him. How unreasonable on my part! Now that he's D&D'd and I divorced him, I've gone completely NC. I seriously want him out of my life and to just leave me alone. His presence simply hurts me too much. What does he start doing? Trying to talk to me each day, following me around like a lost puppy trying to be "friends", and sending tons of emails whining about how he screwed up and lost me. He got so intrusive insisting on unwanted contact at work that I actually filed a complaint to force him into staying from me. He stays in town constantly now since I don't WANT his presence any longer, and he leaves work the very minute that his shift is done (guess those five million emails really AREN'T all that important unless I'm standing around waiting for him. lol). He called my house so much and came out so often unannounced when I went NC, that I've blocked all of his numbers with call rejection, and I've told him I'm calling the cops the next time he sticks his toe onto my property. My xnh acts pretty much like my two-year cousin that used to poop his pants under the coffee table rather than go to bathroom like his mother wished. If I WANT him to do something...no way. That's not happening. It's really pathetic to see on a 48-year old man. "Oppositeland" is the perfect term for where narcs live. lol.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#4 Oct 19 - 7PM (Reply to #25)

mystwoman & OppositeLand

so true! Mine yells & screams if he doesn't get his way---yet accused me of that very thing! I've learned not to tell him anything specific---just so he can't take an opposing stance & create drama. I have to have some contact because of our daughter--but I keep it to email...and stand at the opposite end of the soccer field.

#5 Oct 19 - 8AM

gettinbetter

Here's what the N said to me

Here's what the N said to me after 2 months of the silent treatment for calling him out on something: "I still love you its just that i can't believe the things you do to hurt me. All the things you say I'm doing to you are the things you do to me. You say I don't love you just because I don't act a certain way. That's not healthy" This txt is classic npd. Projection, opposite land, control, behavior of a toddler. He is basically saying You sick of it were mean to me so it was your turn to go to time out

#6 Oct 19 - 12AM

Briseis

My grandson is 20 months

My grandson is 20 months old, and has discovered "opposite land". He stands in the kitchen and requests something to eat. If you show him a snack, he turns his head away. If you put it away he screams :D Narcs just have a larger vocabulary and a few more years of experience sharpening their manipulation and perversion. I think it's all about control, that's why the oppositional-ness. He doesn't want YOU running the show (any show, ever). It's like a compulsion. I think a Narc would jump over a cliff to their death if they thought it would make them in control. That's how superficial they are. Control is the only thing that matters. So he knows you are open to him calling? He won't call because to him, he feels a loss of control doing what you want him to do. If you freeze him out and go NC, again, he feels a loss of control and has to get it back. That makes Narcs do things that contradict each other. They want control. Just like a toddler. They don't want LOVE, they want control of you and whatever it takes to do that, they do it.

#7 Oct 19 - 1AM (Reply to #16)

Nothanx

Toddlers

Omg! I totally remember that "opposite" phase toddlers go through. I had forgotten about that. It was such a frustrating time in parenting, and that is exactly how I felt the whole time I was with my narc...frustrated...in every aspect our relationship. I felt like I was constantly trying to reason with him, the same way I did when my kids were toddlers. Maybe he never passed the toddler stage developmentally????? That's how he acts...like a child! **Watch me cook** **Did you see how I got my car to redline** **Sit and watch me while I work in the yard** **Don't touch my knives...no one can use them but me** **We have to take my car cuz I like to drive...I am a really good driver** **This is my computer...go use your own** **I want to watch sci fi...I don't care if you hate it** **tell your dog to go away...you need to pay attention to me**

#8 Oct 19 - 3AM (Reply to #17)

Briseis

Most

Most psychologists/psychiatrists who've done any research on NPD (and all other PDs) agree the root of their disorder IS a developmental arrest. A real "retardation" in their development. They are stuck in pre-rational thinking. They are a lot like three year olds, or younger, in how they process information and internal stimuli. The think "magically". They feel utterly powerless, and compensate by attempting complete control in the most absurd and destructive ways. Imagine a three year old with the intelligence and physical body of an adult. VERY SCARY. Often deadly (just watch the news). BTW, my exN used to demand that I help him do whatever he had to do. I had to drop whatever I was doing, and accompany him while he did tasks that one person could have easily done. He would ask me "Just hold the hammer, and give it to me when I need it." WTF???? Or he wanted me to just stand there because "I might need you to get something for me." Of course I was flummoxed and offended!! When I protested, he would say things like "I ask you for a little HELP and you can't get off your dead ass and help me, you have to bitch and whine!!" Which at first caused me to feel guilty. My kids couldn't clean their rooms unless I sat in the room with them and said "Put Elmo on the dresser . . . put the sock in the hamper . . ." even though they knew exactly where stuff went :D Dependency. Such a complete lack of self confidence they need you "there" like you are a personal energy source, a battery pack. You exist to serve HIM, and by God if you refuse, you are a cold and whiny BITCH. This is what our three year olds would say to us if they had the words, you know? If they were big enough, they'd physically attack us, and then come crawling for Mommy to hug them.

#9 Oct 19 - 9AM (Reply to #18)

Nothanx

hammer time!

I have held a hammer, or tape, or a glass of water, while he did a one person job. The same thing happened...I got irritated that my efforts could be better served somewhere else, and he would make me feel guilty. In many ways I felt really sorry for him! To others not involved with this type person, that sounds really stupid, but I really felt like he was a sad little boy that didn't know better (I know now that he is more savvy than I gave him credit for, but in a lot of ways he is a sad little boy). This reminded me of a time that he had one of his tantrums. My daughter (6 at the time) wanted to play the game "Trouble" so we all sat at the table for a few games. First thing he says is "you both better watch out...Trouble is my middle name, and I am going to win". All through the game he kept getting mad at me if I was going too easy on my daughter (you know how most people kinda let a 6 yr old have a break if they see they are far behind). Long story short...I stopped "going easy" on my little girl because she caught on to the game really quickly and totally beat the pants off of us. I will never forget the looks on both of their faces when my daughter turned to him and smugly said "I guess your middle name is not Trouble anymore; now its Loser!" Now she was trying to be funny (which it was), but he got furious and stormed out of my house mad. Just like a spoiled little brat! While he was leaving I remember saying "are you seriously mad that a 6 yr old beat you at a board game?" He said "yes, I hate to lose".

#10 Oct 19 - 8PM (Reply to #21)

onwithmylife

nothanx

That is a great story about your daughter beating the pants off your EXN, love it and it shows they are the spoiled brats, not your daughter, she is more mature than he is, they hate it when people outshine them, be they any age. My ex n was not into games very much, I had to beg him and all he would play is scrabble once in a blue moon, what ever I wanted to do it was always a big pain for him, but he always did what he damn well felt like, so one sided it was ridculous.Little two year olds in the guise of an adult male, how pathetic.their credo is right at any cost....

#11 Oct 19 - 1PM (Reply to #19)

Briseis

LMAO!!!

Your daughter OWNED him LOLOL!!! Out of the mouths of babes :D My exN refused to EVER play a game. He would leave the room if there was a hint of a game. He would embarass himself to avoid a game or competition. Once I pushed him to consider joining the local bridge club. His eyes bulged out of his head like I'd asked him to donate a leg. He was so uncomfortable and couldn't blow his cover by acting like his normal self in front of all the folks we were with. The rest of the evening was filled with "inside insults" only I would understand and by the time we got home I'd been thoroughly punished. I had NO idea what happened, and put it together after I'd gotten rid of him and learned about NPD. That "sad little boy" is both true and a clever manipulation. No adult male should be regarded as a "poor little boy". A normal man would be offended and horrified. This is a fail-safe red flag for a Narc.

#12 Oct 19 - 9PM (Reply to #20)

Nothanx

kids

For some reason My daughter could really put him in his place, and the narc kinda got a kick out of it. When she insulted him with sarcasm or called him out on bad behavior, he just kinda chuckled and blew it off. She would constantly remind him that he told the same story over and over again or tell him that he talked to much about his job or cooking. A few times I was like "Daughter(i don't really call her that, but not gonna use her name), that was a little mean", and he would be like "no, it's ok she should say what is on her mind". He was NEVER mean to my kids...he didn't really bond with them, but not mean or disrespectful. He tried to separate me from everyone in my life, but he was always totally accommodating to my kids.

#13 Oct 19 - 12AM

gettinbetter

Ha! Cluelessuntilnow refer

Ha! Cluelessuntilnow refer to it as opposite land.

#14 Oct 19 - 12AM (Reply to #5)

cluelessuntilnow

Yep...opposite land!

We LOVE it... it is just down the road from Narcville, take a left at SelfAbsorbed Drive and you are there...

#15 Oct 19 - 12AM (Reply to #7)

Nothanx

Opposite land

I like that! My best friend says "please don't tell me you are headed back to Funkytown...we can't go back there...it's so bad" when I start talking about missing the narc. I'm gonna tell her about Opposite Land!

#16 Oct 19 - 12AM (Reply to #9)

cluelessuntilnow

Nothanx

Never doubt what you intuitively know. Before I even knew what N was, I kept saying that my exN was in "F*ing La La Land". Who knew I was actually right!

#17 Oct 19 - 8PM (Reply to #14)

onwithmylife

Clueless you clever woman

"Love your comment, never doubt what you intuitively know" that is priceless, will keep that saying in my wallet...seems like many of us had inner clues from the very first but chose to ignore them, strange isn't it.

#18 Oct 19 - 12AM (Reply to #10)

gettinbetter

Once you understand how to

Once you understand how to think in Opposite Land its like having a secret decoder ring! I used to say that to the Narc. When he would start with his double speak I would say "Do I need to get out my secret decoder ring" He never thought it was funny. Welcome to opposite land.

#19 Oct 19 - 12AM (Reply to #11)

cluelessuntilnow

I like to piss him off and

I like to piss him off and say "soooo is that your way of telling me the opposite (what ever that may be)." He too is unamused! Hmmm maybe that is why we are not talking right now, I am too crafty and clever!

#20 Oct 19 - 12AM (Reply to #12)

gettinbetter

Muahahahahahhahaha

#21 Oct 19 - 1AM (Reply to #13)

cluelessuntilnow

LMAO!!!!!

LMAO!!!!! Muahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! Did I tell you that lately I have been thinking he is not unlike Darth Vader and he has come back and said to our son "X...I AM YOUR FATHER". Seriously sometimes he reminds me of the Dark Lord-Vader all dark and well...dark. So what would that make me Queen Amadala?

#22 Oct 19 - 12AM (Reply to #8)

gettinbetter

Once you train your brain to

Once you train your brain to operate in opposite land its quite an amusing place

#23 Oct 19 - 12AM (Reply to #6)

gettinbetter

Hahahahaha!

very clever clueless!

#24 Oct 18 - 10PM

girlfriday

That's creepy. My ex P did

That's creepy. My ex P did that a lot too. It's a total control thing. I think I read that psychopaths have to have the last word. Sounds like yours is doing that now.

#25 Oct 18 - 8PM

Susan32

It never made sense

When my grandfather died... the ex-Psych professor sneered at me DURING CLASS and sent me to a therapist. He also badmouthed me to my classmates, saying I was crazy and wishing I was dead. When I was nice to him... he'd be condescending and say I was doing it for me, not for him. Not so much as a thank you. When I told him I might as well leave since he didn't want me around... he told me to stay (during the D&D). He'd even tell me to sit on the stairs while I was zoning out. These ones always prompt a "wow, what a psycho" response whoever I tell- When I congratulated him on his betrothal... he threw a fit, claiming I was "imposing" and "violating" him. When I declared my love to him... I got endless dull lectures from him. My infant nephew's behaviors make more sense, really. If you give him something he wants, he's happy. He even smiles, stands up in his cradle and waves if you're staying in the same room with him.

#26 Oct 18 - 6PM

onwithmylife

opposites

funny but what do you know, earlier on in my relationship with my EXN many moons ago, I said to him, you say the opposite of what you mean and all he said was"Oh, really", I thought he was trying to be funny but did not know it at the time he was starting in on th mind games to make me doubt my beliefs in what he just said, i would say please turn down the TV I am trying to sleep, thank you, UP the volume went, almost sadistically and with pleasure, I wanted something real badly for Christmas one year, you think I got it HAHAHA don't bet your life, i didn't, always the opposite to keep you off guard is my guess, they like to see your squirm, ?i have never said this before, but you are like a puppet and THEY hold the strings..............

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