Help!

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#1 Oct 18 - 9AM

Anonymous (not verified)

Help!

Mornin!

I need some girly advice this morning. It's not narc related, but it's more like some 'moving on after the narc' advice.

Ok, so last week I wrote a little post about a great date I had. The date was Thursday night, we played pool, had a great time (it was a set-up by a mutual acquaintance who thought we'd be a good match) and he secured a dinner date for the following evening.

Friday night he picks me up, I live almost 45 min away from him. We go back to his place, he gets ready...takes me to a fancy restaurant, we have a great time & decide to rent a movie and watch it at his place.

Up until this point there had been no physical contact and I don't know why, but I feel like I'm 15 again, hence where your advice/input would be greatly appreciated.
So we're on this little couch and my back is sore so he gave me a back rub, and I don't know if it was because he is new, I've only met him the previous evening or maybe I needed a glass of liquid courage but I felt extremely shy/awkward.

So I mentioned that "hey...don't mind me, I'm usually awkward at first for quite a while with someone" he said "ya nervous" and pulled me into him, so now I'm sitting with my back against his chest and kinda holding hands.

Sat there like that for a bit...then I moved back to my spot beside him...his arm was behind me on the couch and I was extremely shy for some reason, we laughed and chatted, but it was tough for me to make eye contact.

He never tried for a kiss the entire second date...

So he kinda assumed I was going to crash at his house because of the distance and it was 2am...but I had stuff to do in the morning, so he drove me home.

The next morning he was leaving at 7am for a hunting trip with a guy friend of his, no cell reception (we're in Canada...it happens, lol).

10am I sent him a "have a great trip ;)"

Sunday he txts back "thanks, had an awesome time and a bit too much to drink" then another txt immediately afterwards,
"oh, and had a good time too on friday night, hope you did too"

I replied (just about my weekend being good) and a "as for Friday night, me too :)"

He replies "glad you had fun, maybe we can get together again"

Me "sounds good to me"

.....so that was yesterday afternoon. Seems kinda vague on his part, do you ladies think I blew it and he may just 'not be that into me?' He kinda secured the first 2 dates well in advance... and now this.

I'm still insecure because of my narc abuse in the past... he was cheated on by his ex and he left her a year ago.

He smelled great. I like him. He's a sweetheart and totally normal and anyways, your take on this would really help me out this morning :)

Thoughts?

#2 Oct 19 - 10AM

betty2020

I think you may be reading a

I think you may be reading a bit much into it at this point. It is very early in the game and there is a much to discover about this new person. We do advocate not dating for sometime after we are out of Narc relationships. Multiple factors are involved that make you vulnerable to going back into another abusive relationship or just simply being hurt. It is difficult to understand what is or is not healthy at this point. You are still trying to make sense out of the last one which inflicted emotional abuse and left your brains scattered all over. In the early stages of coming out of this type of a relationship it is recommended that we give ourselves 18 months before attempting to engage in an intimate relationship. This gives us time to deprogram from the Narc effects and find ourselves again. Seeking for comfort in another person will get you hurt again. This is an inside job. We lost a big part of our identity when we were in the Narc abuse. Now is the time to find that missing part of you. I love the fact that your moving forward, but you may want to pull back the reins a bit and consider letting the intimate relationships go. You really need to put all the focus on you right now. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#3 Oct 19 - 7AM

MsVulcan500

Dating

We are all going to meet a man and date again. And we are all going to be wary of him being a narc. And some may be. But the difference this time around is when we are out dating, we will be paying attention to any red flag comments, things he says or does that just isn't quite right. We won't be ignoring that anymore. This is what our narcs have given us. They have made us want to learn about this disorder so we can spot it quicker when we come across it again. We have learned that we need to trust our guts, and that is going to lessen our chance of being taken in again by a narc.

#4 Oct 19 - 6AM

jen79

Movingforward wait 6 months

You know I have read the 6 months rule before starting to date, and I sticked with it cause I couldnt even do anything else cause of the trauma. I always thought this 6 months rule is old fashioned and too american but there is a lot of wisdom in it. A guy will start to show his true behaviour after 3 to 4 months - no sex till then at least. And I waited 5 months, and I didnt feel well already this time, he pushed for it, I think I did it to make him happy, not because I felt like doing it. Big Mistake, he really totally changed after that time, in the bginning of the 3 months, he was the perfect gentlemen, but they show you they true nature when they dont get sex from you after 6 months. Then you know if they just need a warm whole, or if they are really interested in you... This was a big lesson for me...I will wait 6 months the next time again.

#5 Oct 19 - 6AM

ewa

I think you should take

I think you should take things very slowly. And think about yourself at first. If you do not feel like doing sth do not do it, if you do feel like doing sth then do it. I always observe the guys carefully. My exN was also sweetheart on the beginning :(

#6 Oct 19 - 6AM (Reply to #19)

CarolKittyGale (not verified)

Very good point Ewa

That's a very good point, they are all very nice and understanding at the beginning.

#7 Oct 19 - 9AM (Reply to #20)

ewa

And lets remember that we

And lets remember that we attract this people like a magnet!

#8 Oct 19 - 3AM

CarolKittyGale (not verified)

Movingforward

I think you done really well and kept your dignity intact by not staying the night after all racing is for the fast track not dating..lol....I read that on here when I first joined and it is true. I think you have to get to know someone really well especially after a Narc attack we are so used to the instant drama. If nothing comes of it then at least you had a couple of nice evenings out and normal guys don't like to rush into things do they. Give it time I'm sure he'll call you....but I don't call a man when first dating. I have been out on a couple of dates since N but started stressing a bit if they didn't call asap and didn't feel like rushing into being intimate either so realized I wasn't ready so for the time being I've declined going out again and I am dating myself. There's a whole world out there and they are all waiting to meet us!!!

#9 Oct 19 - 12AM

gettinbetter

It all seems normal to me.

It all seems normal to me. Trust me you will know a another Narc if you run into him. It will be like alarms going off in your head. You wont have to as if its normal. You will know this is not normal.

#10 Oct 19 - 8AM (Reply to #12)

movingforward (not verified)

ya, well...

Over the weekend I was flying, I thought the 2 dates were great...like I had said, on the end of the 1st date he was pumped to take me out for dinner the next night. Sending me cutesy texts on Friday... Then something happened on Friday's date to change his mind I guess. I guess I kinda feel like a failure. My friend had been telling me about him for months "there's this great guy, you have to meet him! He's so nice!" And he was "so nice"...so nice that he seems to have politely brushed me off. Haven't heard from him since Sunday. We did have fun on the Friday date, but I guess "he's just not that into me". If he's not asking you out. He's not into you. Plain and simple. It hurts. I didn't think I would hurt again. That being said, part of me wants to put a dating profile on there, but again I'd be seeking something to fill this emptiness I have. I have to deal with the empty feeling head on and it's tough. He filled the emptiness left by the narc for a few days. Helped me to forget about it. Although now I don't miss the narc as much, I feel totally rejected and like some loser who can't get a guy to be interested in her. Funny how when I'm doing the "polite brush-off", I didn't think about how crappy the other person feels/felt. I brushed off about 3 men this year. 2 were pissed off & told me off, 1 came back and did it to me. Narc's ex-wife got married recently, saw her photo on FB, she looks happy. She's with a good man. 6 months sounds like a plan. I feel like running over my cell phone with my vehicle. It sucks to have an empty phone, 'you have no new messages'. Last week I was all happy with a date to look forward to. This week, I'm alone. Again. FML.

#11 Oct 19 - 9AM (Reply to #13)

Used

movingforward

the thing is mforward, when you have been out of the game, its hard to get back in, ok its 2days since you heard from him but is it b/c being with a narc has made you more insucure, and didnt you say he was going on a trip,, you see i would be feeling how you do, i know i would.. but after being love bombed by a narc, this may seem slow moving for you maybe?... i totally get where you are coming from...since the narcs i have been so vigilant in that i phoned someone the other day and said you were suppose to phone me, she said yes i said in the week and i said, who the f;;;, do you think you are,telling me in the week, what so i am suppose to be ok that you will call me anytime from monday to friday... i dont think so.. i dumped her, i know i have got rigid bounderies now, but they have truly made me see what crap i used to put up with... so if someone says to me now i will phone, i will say to them when and if they dont like it they can sod off... i would spend hours sitting him for exh, who had phoned at11am, said i am going to pop round..4pm he still hadnt and narc did the same. never again.. so if this man gets in touch again i would say to him be more specific..if he doesnt like it,then he is not for you..

#12 Oct 19 - 9AM (Reply to #14)

movingforward (not verified)

I like that...

He was back on Sunday, he texted me on Sunday the 'had a good time Friday, hope you did too" and I replied "as for Friday, me too:)" he replied "glad you had fun, maybe we can get together again" I replied "sounds good to me" And that was that. Sunday at 3pm. It's Tuesday. I dated a 'normal' guy over the summer and he'd send me "have a great day :)' texts daily...he'd keep in touch daily. This current guy (the 2 dates guy) was cheated on a year ago by his wife. He found roses in her car...the man she was cheating with was married w/2 kids, the 2 of them are together now and she's pregnant. He said before our date he hadn't really been looking (from what I gather, wasn't in the mood too after being hurt like that) but he had heard a lot of good things about me so he wanted to take me out. Either way, I'm spending way too much thought on this to the point where it seems as though I need a freakin' life! LOL. So...I think I need to just move forward once again and keep myself occupied on my own. Usually when my gut tells me someone isn't interested or has lost interest, it's correct. I'll fall for someone again, but I do need to fully heal first. It's just tough when you're surrounded by happily married couples. I need to be happy with what I have and stop focusing on what I don't have. Thanks again for all your words of wisdom. Love this board! xo :)

#13 Oct 19 - 10AM (Reply to #15)

Used

mforward

liked your positive post, bottom line, he has been hurt by his wife, so have we been hurt by narcs, this is how i see this[just my take] tells you hurt by wife, thats a lot of info to me for 2 dates, but implied you are fine by words of others, it just seems to me he is saying to you, so maybe? maybe not?... no you are to fragile for this nonsense and i do believe it is nonsense, that sympathy card was to early as if, oh so if ever ime not available i expect you to give me space cos of my cheating wife, i know how on it i sound, but everyone on this board has b/c important to me, enough to write what i realy think, even if i sound like a suspious head case... i dont care if i give one person food for thought then its fine by me what i come across like..

#14 Oct 19 - 11AM (Reply to #16)

movingforward (not verified)

used...

Thanks for the food for thought, I need that right now...and Betty, food point on the 18 month rule...still waiting for Lisa's book to come in the mail. Should be any day now till I finally find out what D & D means. lol Betty, I have a tendency to read too much into things...it's a bad habit of mine. An insecurity I definitely need to work on. Ya, so...2 date guy and I were not intimate, like I said he went for the back rub...but I backed away part-way through, he never kissed me...either way, I'm a shy girl, before the narc situations, and after the narc situations, I've never been a jump-into-bed or get all hot n' heavy on the first couple of dates anyways. I like taking it slow and getting to know them. That being said, good point on the cheating wife stuff. He asked me a lot of questions in 2 dates...got me to open up a little more than I wanted to. I prefer keeping my past, in the past around a new man. He kept opening up his past as well, talking about things his ex had done... See, my friend that set us up had good intentions. She knew I was messed up from this recent 1.5 yr narc...she said to this guy (2 date guy) at a party one night while they were tipsy "oh you have to meet my friend, you guys have been through a lot, she's great, you're great...you need to meet!" So I think he thought it was okay to be open to me. It's amazing how these guys do talk about their ex's. On my first date with Narc, we went rollerblading. He said he used to get in trouble for spending money or wanting to go anywhere because his ex was tight with the money and never wanted to do anything. Hence where I came in...with my expensive rollerblades and wanting to have fun -- unlike boring ol' ex wifey. Same thing kinda happened on this date...he says out of the blue 'she didn't like it when I went hunting, she didn't like me being away for that long...' then he mumbled 'she said I wasn't affectionate'... (sounds to me like having a female around him was reminding him of being with her)... a Anyways, my reply was, 'oh my girlfriend get's mad at her husband when he goes camping with the guys, and I tell her -- oh screw that I'd love it, having the bed all to myself, see ya, have a great trip!' And he laughed. Anyways. Re-programming is so true. I've heard that before. Part of our brain has these tire tracks embedded of abuse, we need to make new tracks, healthy tracks. And in order to do that, we need to figure out who we are and be comfortable with ourselves as a whole. It's the 'getting there' that is the hardest part. And yes, slowing down is a good idea. I like that idea.

#15 Oct 18 - 7PM

onwithmylife

moving forward

If i were you, I would not stress over it, 2 dates do not make a relationship and even though it sounds like you two hit it off, you never know what is going thru someone else mind nor should you waste your brain cells. Dust yourself off and tell yourself it is HIS LOSS and move on, it is the world of dating, i had something very similar happen to me and so did a friend of mine, there are more fish in the sea, as my mother use to say. Keep your self esteem intact, i am sure the guy is doing just that.

#16 Oct 18 - 6PM

onwithmylife

movingforward

my thoughts would be do not stress over it, 2 dates does not make a relationships and even though you may be bummed out,move on and say it is HIS loss, I saw a guy a few times a few weeks ago and he never called back so ?I figured it is HIS LOSS, i think though he could tell I was still grievime, I need a lighter type of guy that I cam laugh and joke wit, everyone needs a different type of person to suit them .Dust yourself off and move on, more fish in the sea......................It is the dating world and go figure, lots of frogs to find before the prince

#17 Oct 18 - 10AM

wholeagain

Normal :)

Yes he sounds normal and so do your reactions. I thin when we've been in Narcville we get used to the dramatic, the sudden, the intense, the heavy duty pursuit. A normal guy should be more like you--a little cautious, a little slower, perceptive about your shyness and hesitancy. That may be why he's being a little more casual about a next get together--trying to gauge your interest too. I'm so glad you had him drive you home. You didn't accommodate him, you had him accommodate you. If he's a true-blue guy he'll happily do that. Now relax, enjoy the little butterflies and try not to stress out!

#18 Oct 18 - 10AM

helldweller

movingforward

That sounds really nice. Um, he sounds like a totally normal guy. I remember back in the beginning of the narc thing, I started buying those self-help e-books called "Be a Bitch" and "Don't Call Him!" that had all sorts of advice on what to do at the beginning of a relationship. They were ALL about letting him do the chasing, so since he seems normal, that seems like good advice. It was comical when I tried those tactics on the narc. Any lack of contact was met with cries of "YOU DON'T LOVE ME!" LOL Take it easy and have fun. Part of romance IS wondering if he's going to call, and while it may be fine to call a guy yourself and ask him out, I think you need to be the one pursued right now. Cops have a saying when they are going into an unknown situation: Keep close. I think that's good advice. Don't get too crazy. Don't stray from the path. Don't "put yourself out there" too much right away. You did so great on Friday. I bet that came across very attractively. I'm glad you had fun. Take a bubble bath, paint your toenails, watch a favorite movie, buy some new pjs. Take good, good care of you!

#19 Oct 18 - 10AM

tica

movingforward

Sounds like you both like each other and so far so good...just keep taking it slowly, you are obviously not ready for physical contact (shyness) and that's normal!!! I would keep the dates to earlier times, like cinderella time, so that awkwardness doesn't happen again..take into account the 1 1/2 hours he needs to drive you and just be like you are being considerate but at the same time, you'll be making good decisons..never unestimate your worth and value...if he is right for you, he will value you all the time...glad you had fun and a litle excitement, just keep yourself busy, let it unfold naturally, be cool and have fun, this doesn't have to be "the one" just apprciate what a normal relationship is like and feel grateful to be drama free!!!

#20 Oct 18 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

movingforward (not verified)

still no word from him today :(

thanks for the replies ladies...no "how was your day?" or "how was your late shift last night?" text from him today...and I'm not chasing the guy... ...if anything, feeling like crap over this means I don't feel like crap over the ex-narc right now...but it still kinda hurts Like how slow is slow? Most of me is convinced 'he's not that into me' pretty sure my esteem will take a another kick to the head after this one.

#21 Oct 18 - 6PM (Reply to #6)

Janet

Try not to sweat it. If he

Try not to sweat it. If he calls great and if not, that's okay too. You done good (as they say)... Peace. J

Peace. J

#22 Oct 18 - 4PM (Reply to #5)

desprathousewife

Movingforward

Your esteem should be through the roof. You played things JUST right, just think if you HAD slept with him how bad you would be feeling now if he hadn't got straight back to you. You played it cool, you have all your morals intact, you have absolutely nothing to feel bad about. If he IS genuine and really likes you then he will play his next card soon enough. Have you thought that maybe HE feels rejected? Too many girls nowadays jump into bed on the first or second date, if he is USED to that then maybe he thinks you don't like HIM. Stop beating yourself up and go with the flow, if he is right for you then it will happen IN TIME. Good luck, you have behaved fabulously. Congratulate yourself, keep your fingers crossed, like you have your legs :) and if it's meant to be? If not HIS LOSS xxx

#23 Oct 18 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

jen79

movingforward

thats a sign you dated too early. I dont mean to deminish your experience, I just say, as long as your not 100 procent healed from a Narc experience, dating is dangerous. I tell you why, if it doesnt work out, you will feel worse than before. YOu wont be able to brush it off like hey it doesnt just match. I dated too early, and I broke up with this bf one months ago, we nearly had no sex, cause I wasnt ready too, I was still too traumatisized feeling like a rape victim. So sex made me cry. And I now I have to not just cope with the N, but with the break up of the bf and his cute cat as well. Its not easy. I say, movingforward, dont date too early. heal. Meet friends, make new friends, but dont date.

#24 Oct 19 - 1PM (Reply to #4)

darkspark

This reminds me...

Jen you reminded me of something. During the time when I knew this N 20 years ago, while he was ignoring me (for months) I started hanging out with another guy who was nice-ish. A pretty normal guy. We had a lot of fun together. One night I had a bit to drink and we ended up in the sack. When it was over, I wept - I howled with tears. It was very startling. I couldn't explain it - didn't understand it, and he never EVER called me again. :P It all makes sense to me know. My brain was fried. - movingforward - it's been said here already, but I'll say it again. Don't put the cart before the horse. If he calls you, then he calls you. If he doesn't then he wasn't worth your time. Don't try to mind read (if he hasn't called me in X, then it means X) because you really don't know yet. At this point, you're just making it up. Beware of anyone who wants to sprint into a relationship with you (and beware of yourself wanting to sprint into a relationship) and..... ....JUST SAY NO to DRAMA!! :)

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