Is it going to feel like this forever

I've been reading a lot of stuff on here the last few days and posting very little. But after reading one post in particular.... I went into a tailspin and just wondered if anybody had any thoughts or insight.

You see.... I knew my N for a long time before we got together. He was a "friend" of our group and knew my ex-husband. They didn't particularly like eachother. They sort of did... and got along on certain levels. Both POTHEADS. Both artistic.

But what really threw me last night was a description somebody gave of the sexual aspects. And I thought.... oh my god... I think my ex might have been a different kind of narc. But I didn't know it then... wasn't looking for that then.

He is very intelligent, seemingly compassionate, but there was a side of him that was very demeaning. He was a porn addict, would rent several movies, get stoned and watch them all night. He tried to include me but I wasn't into it. I found a binder he had put together one time of hundreds of women printed off the internet - porn sites.

He was completely into fantasy sex and it put a wall between us because I didn't want to roleplay. Nothing wrong with that in principle if two people are into it... it just wasn't my thing.

He didn't scream and yell in the way my recent N did... but he would "lecture me". My mother talked about how arrogant he was and when people would come to visit, he would just disappear and go read or get stoned or whatever. When his father passed away suddenly things went downhill fast... he wanted to go to swingers clubs (which I REFUSED), he was openly chasing another girl (wrote her a poem, framed it and showed it to me), and through all of this stress I lost a bunch of weight and he started telling me how sexy I was and he wanted me to do all this stuff - swing, go to strip clubs with him, etc. I remember him telling me that now I was better looking than the neighbor down the street, almost as if he was paying me a huge compliment that I should be happy about. WEIRD, HURTFUL, AWFUL.

He even encouraged me to flirt with my recent N because he was in the throes of his "we can be married and see other people" fantasy. I was horrified because I don't use people like this. The fact that N and I got together as the marriage ended was I think more a result of N doing what Ns do. Had always been flirtatious with me and when things fell apart, he swooped in and showered me with all the attention that my ex-husband hadn't given me. And I fell for it hook line and sinker.

I used to say that I felt I had a bit of a battered woman's syndrome going on with my ex-husband... but I used the term only as a description... couldn't really feel that I was abused because I didn't understand emotional abuse.

And with N... it was all FANTASTIC at first. But he quickly showed his redflags which I also didn't understand at the time. They were startling... but then he would become this wonderful amazing man again so fast... you guys know the routine.

But he also, seemed fascinated with sexual idiosyncracies that put me off. Somebody mentioned yesterday that her guy wanted to watch her pee... mine was insistent about that and I kept telling him no. He would be playful about it and back off, but always brought it up. And things became more and more impersonal and about just kind of weird stuff. It's all about context I think.... with two consenting adults that are both into whatever it is... I don't think anything is really off limits. It's about what is okay for you (me) as a person. And it always felt like I was a blow-up doll.

Anyway, the point is that I feel just dead inside. Like I know there is absolutely no way I could ever let a man near me again, sexually, personally or otherwise. I don't think I can share possessions, thoughts, feelings, sex... nothing. I watch romantic movies and "feel" and tear up and want those things. But if I really think about it in context of my own reality.... I feel this cold fear and disgust come over me. And then I get very very sad... because I'm only 41 years old... seems like I have love to give.... but I can't find it anywhere. I know it's way too soon to consider that - but what I'm most afraid of is not ever being able to find that quality within myself again. At those points in my life... I loved them both SOOOOOO much. And look what they did... and more importantly... look what I allowed them to do.

It's a beautiful Sunday and everything I should do just feels like a chore... nothing in me is excited about any waking moment. It just all feels like I'm just existing... but for no reason at all. Just feel dead. Has anybody else felt this? Any ideas or has anybody felt that way and then woke up one day and not felt that way anymore?

Thanks for any thoughts.