Narcissistic Rage

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Oct 15 - 7PM (Reply to #29)
loveofmylife
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more phrases

Ok, morty, let's just see if we have any more matches.... did yours say? - I am a blunt instrument who needs to be in charge. - I have no patience for people who don't respect (my)time - I have no patience for idiots - my cat could have figured that out - it was complete mayhem - referred to his children as his "urchins" - he/she is a gem - i think the world of her (for someone he has had 2 - 4 interactions with) - i put kids #1, work #2 and "anything personal" #3. I asked many times what "anything personal" means. - you are much kinder than I am - you are more loyal, trusting than I am - you are more patient than I am
Oct 15 - 8PM (Reply to #30)
anonymous
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Love of My Life - Some similar

He didn't say that his cat could figure that out. But one day, when we were trying to pull into a parking spot, there were two teeanage people of color walking in front of where he wanted to be. Because he was pulling in kind of fast, they stopped in their tracks and looked at him a little scared and then they sort of hesitated and started walking by slowly because they didn't seem sure of what he was going to do. So he said, "Coooommmmm oooooonnnnnn...... it's just like talking to my dog." -referred to my daughter as a 'situation' -referred to me as a gem -told my team (his co-workers) when he quit - it's not you guys, I love you all to death (but hasn't spoken to one of them since he walked out the door) whatever, it's all just verbal diarrhea (forgot the more lovely references to his mother or his ex-wife as a bitch, a psycho, or most creatively, a psycho-bitch) I'm pretty sure that to his next conquest, I'll be the "married chick he screwed around with for a while"
Oct 15 - 8PM (Reply to #31)
loveofmylife
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ok morty

Mine called me a gem all the time. I thought it was because he cared for me so much, but then I heard him call other people that. Have you ever heard anyone else call people a gem? Not me. Hmmmm....when he left the company, he sent out a long company wide email saying he has "never seen such a great group of people" and that they will do very well and he will miss him. Where I can't think of a single person in the company that he liked/ respected.
Oct 16 - 5AM (Reply to #32)
anonymous
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Love of My Life - The Company-Wide eMail

OK, so now I'm gettin' a little concerned that we had the same narc, hehehehe Yep, we all got the company-wide false flattery bullshit e-mail that was so transparently an attempt to leave on a 'good note' so that he could (in his own head) say that he left on 'good terms' and didn't 'burn any bridges'. When the truth was just the opposite. These guys are so freaking transparent and comical really, once you can take a step back (TG for NC) and see them for what they really are. So here's the funny story for you.... Narc unexpectedly dumps me and gives notice the same week. He goes to lunch with our friend, R, and me. He asks us if as a parting gift, we want him to go to our VP and give him an 'earful' about all the stuff that's wrong with our division. R and I both say, "that's really not in any of our best interests and besides, it wouldn't do you any good to burn any bridges." He responds, "I don't give a shit about burning any bridges, I hate this fucking place anyway." Then he says, "excuse me, you two can carry on your conversation but I need a cigarette." and he huffs off. So then we learn later that he did meet with VP and profusely thank him for the contracting gig. He then leaves and writes an e-mail to our boss full of false flattery over the boss, R and me saying - R and Morty are the smartest, most intelligent leaders this company has; I really appreciate the contract you gave me and you gave me some great ideas about how to lead a shared services organization, blah blah blah. He then sends an e-mail to my team, full of the same crap about how we're the best team he's ever worked with, R and I are the best leaders he's ever seen, blah blah blah. What a tool. And yeah, despite all the BS, there was no one he liked or respected. He left his former band under the exact same circumstances including dumping the band and the lead-singer (his wife) and then back-pedaling with all this false flattery all in order to keep folks on the shelf in case he needed their supply again some day.
Oct 16 - 11AM (Reply to #33)
loveofmylife
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Morty - get a load of this!

Ughhh....i just hate the sugary sweet false facade that no one can recognize unless they have been their "closest and dearest friend" and has seen the man behind the curtain. You hit the nail on the head.... company-wide false flattery bullshit e-mail that was so transparently an attempt to leave on a 'good note' so that he could (in his own head) say that he left on 'good terms' and didn't 'burn any bridges'. When the truth was just the opposite. and... back-pedaling with all this false flattery all in order to keep folks on the shelf in case he needed their supply again some day. Yep, again, its all about him and how he could make sure that he always has a gaggle of followers and left on good terms. In all honesty, everyone at the company did love him, he was a great leader, and kind to everyone TO THEIR FACE. But the reality is, he was asked to leave by the owner for disrespecting/ gossiping about the owner and he was also betraying me behind my back at the same time - so we both wanted him gone quick. And if the two leaders of the company want you gone quick...I wouldn't say that is exactly leaving on good terms. Here are a few choice segments from mine's goodbye company-wide email. "As I transition back to an advisory role at THE COMPANY, (which btw, I had to perform emotional blackmail on LOML in order for her to agree to keep me on as an advisor....as she was done with me due to my betrayal...but I really, really needed it to appear as if I was still involved with the company in order to obtain further work in the industry and in order to USE all of the contacts that LOML has already introduced me to and the contacts that she is YET to introduce me to!) I wanted to express my sincere thanks and appreciation to all of you for the incredible progress you folks have helped this company to make. (of course, I, narcface, was truly the one responsible for all the progress this company has made - since all of you are IDIOTS....but I really, really want to appear self-effacing and modest so that you will continue to LOVE ME!) I've had the pleasure (and a very occasional misfortune!) of helping 16 companies through transitions and turnarounds; I cannot think of one where a more enjoyable group of people has effected such a massive and positive turn of events. You are a really a neat group of people. (I am great! Look at the great turnaround I did! And I will tell you you are great, because flattery just rolls of my lips - even though all of you are IDIOTS and even though I have disrespected every one of you BEHIND YOUR BACKS so that you will continue to worship me!) I don't like to preach too much, but keep up the great work, because you are clearly on the right path now... no where near done, but the path is a good one. (Actually I love to preach, but remember that I always say the opposite of what I mean! In fact I love SOOOOO much to preach and control LOML and I am REALLY going to miss someone to abuse. And yes, you are on the right path - because I controlled you and PUT YOU ON THAT PATH! And if LOML screws up, like I think she will, and diverts you from the path I put you on, I will control her from the distance and perform emotional blackmail on her again to keep her on the right path, because I want this to look good on my resume! F*** her and our relationship - what really matters is how great this company does so it will look GREAT ON MY RESUME! Even if the company becomes world famous in 5 years under LOML's leadership - I will coyly take the credit for controlling her and putting the company on the right path!) I wish all of you the best, and look forward to seeing you moving forward; just less often, and from a different perspective! (and I will be the judge of how often that will be and I will make sure to perform emotional blackmail and manipulation and mind games and mind F***s on LOML to make sure I am involved at the level I want to be involved!)
Oct 16 - 6PM (Reply to #34)
anonymous
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LOML - I mean REALLY

this could have been written by my ex-narc. Exact same phrasing, exact same pomposity. The bit about you being a really 'neat' group of people. Forgot that one, ex-narc used the 'neat' adjective a lot. Wow. Wow. Wow. Just goes to show (for the five thousandth, millionth, billionth time), they are ALL the same. A mile wide and in inch deep.
Oct 16 - 8PM (Reply to #35)
loveofmylife
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Morty - the script writers

It also goes to show you that they do write their own script and their life is a play for them. And that everyone around them are actors in their play. Narc was TERMINATED by the owner for disrespectful and betraying behavior. that was NOT in Narc's script for his life! He wasn't supposed to be caught! Getting caught wasn't in the script! And getting caught betraying ME WASN'T IN THE SCRIPT! Oh my! Getting terminated was not in the script. He was supposed to leave ON HIS OWN TERMS ONCE HE GOT A HUGE, HUGE BONUS FOR TURNING AROUND THIS COMPANY! So he had to quickly rewrite the script so that it was still HIS script.... He rewrote it to be that he was "transitioning into the role of an advisor" yeah, that sounds good. But unfortunately that was not the true reality. He was TERMINATED, to leave the next day...WITH NO MOVEMENT INTO AN ADVISOR ROLE. But the move to advisor sounds plausible, and he needed to maintain face and contacts! So then he had to blackmail me and falsely accuse me and make me feel guilty so that I would allow him to play out this script revision. The scum.
Oct 16 - 8PM (Reply to #36)
anonymous
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Not Everyone LOVES Him

You made me think of one thing.... my ex was an employee at our company, left, and then came back as a contractor (read my story for the nasty details). I always really enjoyed working with him and I assumed everyone else did to. I was projecting my feelings of fascination of him onto everyone else and assumed they felt the same way. While people certainly 'liked' him, they were cautious about him, either felt he was 'quirky' or a bit arrogant. But a cool dude that everyone wanted to list as a friend just because he seemed so rock-star-ish. Anyway, I learned after the D&D that when he left the first time, it actually wasn't on the greatest terms even though it never really came out then. Then the kicker, when he left the second time it was after betraying me. Much to his chagrin, turns out the guys who work for me (they call me Mom) didn't take too kindly to the narc treating me like shit. So they were all kind of cool to him as he rode out his notice and it pissed him off. Then he had to write his scripted dissertation (props to you for calling it a script cuz that's exactly what it was) and lo and behold, the ground didn't shake. No one responded and gave him the same BS superlatives back, which is what he wanted. So it pissed him off and he got the satisfaction of thinking that he should have left anyway because no 'appreciated' him. wah wah wah My point is - I doubt everyone LOVES your guy nor do they think he's the leader that you assumed. Most people can see through these assholes pretty clearly. We have a harder time of it because of the trauma bonding. Most of them probably think he's a jerk.
Oct 15 - 12AM (Reply to #25)
gettinbetter
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Mine has always used the

Mine has always used the term "brutally honest"
Oct 15 - 4AM (Reply to #26)
marie27m
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At the beginning he said

At the beginning he said that he's very open and honest in relationships. I thought, great finally a guy I can open up to about feelings. Didn't take me very long to realise it was one-sided and that everytime he said something cruel he called it 'being honest.'
Oct 15 - 8PM (Reply to #27)
loveofmylife
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Honesty = Verbal Abuse

Wow - isn't it great that these guys are SO HONEST! Oh, accept when they lie to your face and lie about you behind your back and betray you. So basically, honesty, in their language, just translates into "verbal abuse" "I'm just brutally verbally abusive!" Let's just do that little mental translation everytime they say that word honesty...because we know they are NOT honest. But they ARE verbally abusive.
Oct 14 - 9PM (Reply to #22)
gettinbetter
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Yeah mine described himself

Yeah mine described himself as "reasonably well adjusted" WTF? You are a 44 year old super hot guy that has never married with a string of failed relationships. Does that scream well adjusted???? UHHHHH I dont freakin think so.
Oct 14 - 10PM (Reply to #23)
anonymous
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But That's Just It

In his mind (conscious, that is); he IS reasonably well-adjusted. It's everyone else who's a fuck-up. His subconscious mind, on the other hand? Well, none of us want to go there because we would be mortified at what we saw. And so would he. Which is why he never goes there.
Oct 13 - 9PM
Janet
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Very good post; and

Very good post; and important, especially those of you who are trying figure out the "is he or isn't he an N" question --- understanding that Narcissistic Rage is not always displayed as anger. Peace. J

Peace. J

Oct 13 - 9PM
Susan32
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Rage that doesn't make sense

Very sadly ironic reading this. I got an email message from my mother about how my Narc grandmother basically ranted over the phone for no good reason, claiming she was an outcast, all very dramatic. The ex-Psych professor was the same way. I'd be mourning my grandfather, he'd rage. I told him I loved him, he'd rage. Congratulate him on his betrothal, he raged. Nothing but rage... and rage that makes NO SENSE. I'm glad I didn't end up with the professor as a narcissistic spouse!
Oct 13 - 9PM (Reply to #15)
anonymous
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Susan - I'm glad you didn't either

=) Yes, they love the DRAMA, don't they?
Oct 13 - 9PM (Reply to #16)
Susan32
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I prefer DAYTIME drama!

I'd rather watch "Days of Our Lives" and "All My Children." I like my drama on the TV screen... thankyouverymuch! ;)
Oct 13 - 9PM (Reply to #17)
anonymous
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Yeah - Days of OUR Lives

hehehe The narc used to blather on about his various 'personalities' - all who have 'strong, complex feelings' So the soap that's about him is Days of OUR Lives and he is the only actor in it. His various personalities are oh so interesting. I heard the network isn't going to renew next season due to low viewership. *yawn*
Oct 13 - 9PM
Briseis
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This is a book I haven't

This is a book I haven't read. I'm sure I can find it cheap on Amazon. I like how you take relevant bits and pieces from this book and apply it right to your life, Morty. You just slap it on for size, and don't fool yourself, don't hold back. That takes courage, it is very inspiring. I hope you keep on doing this :) You have a good strong voice and it helps everyone to see a person actively grappling with this stuff. It's a lot like an autopsy. Pretty gruesome and messy, but if you don't know why "it" died, you're doomed to repeat history again and again.
Oct 13 - 9PM (Reply to #13)
onwithmylife
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briseis

Morty's book is one of my favorites as well and I believe one of the best of the bunch, pulls no punches.........she is a therapist who has dealt with Narcs in her private practise, wish i had her when me and my EXN were in counseling
Oct 13 - 9PM (Reply to #12)
anonymous
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Aww Briseis

That really means a lot to me. I know I sound strong. I'm not as strong as I sound but I'm really, really trying. It's really helpful for me to read books that describe the behavior in more clinical terms and then relate it back to something specific that happened in my narc relationship. This is for two reasons - one, it helps to see his behavior in black and white, almost third partyish, so I can really SEE what he did wrong. And two, every single book I've read on PDs, particularly NPD and ASPD, I can equate all of the behavior and character (or lack of) traits to specific things he did or said. My books are full of dog-ears and highlights! So it's 'proof' to me that he is a narc, and possibly a psychopath and it helps me see that I in no way should own any of his issues because they aren't mine to solve. It is gruesome, like an autopsy, but it's my way of healing myself. I hope that by me doing it the way I do, others can relate and get themselves unglued from what's in the narc's head and more in tuned to the pathology of it all. And yes, the goal is to never let history repeat itself. For all of us. =)
Oct 13 - 8PM
onwithmylife
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Morty you and I need to Talk

We need to go to the good doctor of this book and let her know how much her book has influenced our lives, maybe start an Oprah type of book club for women recovering from relationships with NARCS... this has been the best book for me to get into my skull what my EXN was made of. He always had this volcanic like rage just boiling beneath the surface and the least little thing would make it erupt, I cannot count how many times, like sitting in traffic, or spilling a little coffee on his pants, or getting upset over an innocent comment I made, like what is on today's agenda, or exploding to me before one Christmas, "don't say i never got you anything" who was saying anything, not me..sometimes I wonder IF HI WAS MAD AT ME FOR JUST EXISTING............until the light went off and I knew I was just a pawn, it was RAGE at his mother for her not letting him develope into a FULLY GROWN human being instead of a 3 year old little boy who expected everyone to wait on him hand and foot.you know, Morty, what really amazes me is that after all this man's failed relationships and i mean a handful of long term ones, he cannot for the life of me BELIEVE anything is wrong with him, how does one wear such blinders I would like to how he can be so delusional,it is beyond comprehension.........I remember writing him countless times saying look within, two simple words I might add, i might as well have been talking Chinese or Greek...... Translation i have total self loathing of myself, how could any idiot say they love me.
Oct 13 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

String of Failed Relationships

"what rerally amazes me is that after all this man's failed relationships and i mean a handful of long term ones, he cannot for the life of me BELIEVE anything is wrong with him, how does one wear such blinders I would like to how he can be so delusional,it is beyond comprehension" I know. But that's part of the disorder - they honestly don't think that there's anything wrong because to admit that would mean admitting that their whole self or psyche is a fraud. I'm going to post in a couple of days what their lives are like when they age and no longer have the ability to seduce anyone, particularly sexually. It's not a pretty picture. I've read that some of them, around the age of 60 or when their mother dies - actually finally get it. They then look back on the barren wasteland of their lives and realize that it was all one big fuck up. And I think that before that age, deep down, they know it, and that's the fuel for the rage.
Oct 13 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Morty me again

Mu EXN is in his later 60's and he still has no clue, I am the woman he sent the hateful letter to a few weeks ago, calling me a slut,whore, offering free sex on the internet, first come, first served.his exact words, sad to say so he is older and then he goes on to say I am doing cybersex in my desperate and depraved condition, all explaining HIS condition.That is what he is as he ages.lonely,pathetic, desperate and depraved , reduce to cybersex , that is really bad in my opinion not to be holding a real person in your arms.When his mother died, it did not seem to make a difference in him at all. and he use to have tons of photos around of her, I think he had a love/hate relationship with her.A major EPIPHANY will be the only hope for his salvation.............................
Oct 13 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
anonymous
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OWML - Just Curious?

What was his relationship with his parents like? Do you know? Are they still living? Were either narcs or other PDs?
Oct 13 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

ME morty

Never met his parents, dad died when he was in his 40's , a real nice guy from what his first wife said, would do anything for his wife, but to this man maybe too shadowy a figure, he told me once his dad gave him a branch and a rope and coffee can and said ,go fish, when he meant real fishing, His mother was narcissistic, according to his first wife, all about her, wanted a girl, having already had a boy so initially he did not feel wanted. then, I am guessing, she smothered and doted on him,according to his older brother and there you have it. I think she made him an extension of herself, did not let him leave her apron strings and if he dare to try be serious abandonment issues, which to this day i know he has but to me I think it is his abandonment of HIS TRUE SELF so i do believe he had a love/hate relationship with her and took his rage out onto all the signifigant women in his life. I sent him a letter a few weeks ago saying maybe it would be a wise thought to re-examine his relationship with his mom because he wrote me some years ago that he seemed unable to sustain a relationship with a women, all I got back from opening a real sore point was RAGE AT ME.Nothing has change from him, iron clad denial thus far.You and i seem to digest books in the same way....
Oct 13 - 9PM (Reply to #6)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

This is classic narcissistic soup

The guy pretty much had no chance NOT to be a narc. This family life sounds like narc soup. Is his mother still living?
Oct 13 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
onwithmylife
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Morty guess who

His mother died in the 1990's, i never met her, but he use to say she would have liked me. I did visit her grave or I should say try to find it yesterday in a huge cemetery but could only find the quadrant so asked her what she did so horribly wrong to her son and left feeling uplifted and stronger...........It was strangely an uplifiting experience and being in a huge cemetery made me realize I DO have a life to still live, even after all these years devoting it to him............
Oct 13 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Then he probably will never learn

You're right - sad, but true. But yeah, always very good to get a reminder that YOU have a life to live. Are you on the fb site yet?
Oct 14 - 7AM (Reply to #9)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

hi Morty

I am not into Facebook so no to your answer, i might check it out.though.........if I only knew THEN What i know now, I might have spared myself some years, yet this site is so validiating when you hear so many people going thru the same experience. I know now my EXN used his rage as a control method as well. I will be curious to read what you have to say as they age, you might like this book, Morty, by Beverly Engel, Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, she says they get worse as they age and NPD is caused or leads to the J and H syndrome, they are not sure which comes first. LEt me know what you think of it...As i mentioned earlier some major life threatening event will have to take place for any awareness to kick in with this man............