Narcissistic Rage

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#1 Oct 13 - 8PM
anonymous
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Narcissistic Rage

Hi all – more from Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life. Very resonating for me and I’m sure it will be for all of you as well.

“The force of narcissistic rage is cataclysmic, designed to leave no survivors. The timing of its eruptions is unpredictable. There is no chance to escape or run for cover. The victim feels invaded, even assaulted. The aftermath causes pain and emotional devastation.”

From Morty – here’s my example: after he dumped me but was still trying to convince me that I should be his best friend, he wrote me a condescending letter in which he said that he was so happy to have gotten passionately involved with me over the past year and that I needed to find a man who would accept me for having a daughter. “Men would be lining up at the door.” This was two days after he dumped me. I was so hurt – how could he say two days prior that he loved me but couldn’t handle me being a mother and then two days later tell me men would be lining up at the door to have a chance at me? So the next time we talked, it was in his car in a Dunkin Donuts parking lot. He was playing his aloof, Mr. Cool act, trying to pretend none of this was bothering him. And he coolly said again that I should find another man; one who could accept me with my daughter. I started to get weepy and said that I couldn’t believe that this early on he could even picture me with another man, let alone BAM!!!! His face got bright red and he got right in my face and screamed in a high-pitched, hysterical-sounding voice, “DON’T YOU EVER AGAIN FUCKING PRESUME TO KNOW WHAT I AM THINKING!!! I’m trying to fucking HELP YOU and you’re just going to have to fucking ACCEPT this. You have no fucking IDEA what grief is!!! You wanna know what GRIEF is??? Grief is spending four days staring at the fucking wall. Don’t you ever presume what the fuck it is that I am feeling!!!” I was scared shitless – I was trapped in his car and he was raging at me. Then, he turned off the spigot, that fast, and went back to doling out unsolicited advice and then telling me not FIVE minutes after he screamed that shit at me that, “NO ONE has ever understood me like you do and NO ONE I’ve ever met before you has THOUGHT like I do.” Wow. Such a compliment. From a fucking psychopath – I’m flattered.

“Rage is not anger. Anger is focused on righting wrongs and satisfying needs. Anger has beginning and an end… Long after the injustice has been rectified, the injury healed, the apology made – rage continues… Narcissistic rage propagates in the earliest years of childhood. It is the psychological remnant of a lack of parental empathy… Bottomless rage begins with self-hatred. Narcissists harbor a contempt for themselves that is projected onto all of those who share their lives… No one is spared their wrath. The recipient of narcissistic rage feels embattled. He is caught off guard by unpredictability and force of the attack. The narcissist is capable of rapid oscillations in his attitude toward you. In a single day he can be your best friend or an archenemy. No one is prepared for his abrupt mood shifts. These individuals perpetuate an atmosphere of apprehension and anxiety. Witnessing these shifting emotional weather fronts, one feels helpless, fearful, and inadequate. Narcissistic rage is fierce and relentless.”

Morty - The night he blindsided me and dumped me – he had me basically trapped in his house, alone, in the middle of nowhere. He did the dumping in an unclear way – I was confused; I wasn’t even sure if I was being dumped because he told me for the first time that he loved me. I was just so terribly confused, sick-feeling, and thought my world was turning upside down. So I started to cry and said that I couldn’t believe that this was happening. I said, “I just can’t believe this. I can’t believe this is actually happening. I feel like saying ‘NO NO NO, this cannot be’ over and over like I did the night my dad died” and BAM!!!!!!!!!!!! He stuck his face in mine and screamed at me, “Do you want to be a martyr like your mother??? Is that what you want? TO BE A FUCKING MARTYR??? This isn’t all about you and your feelings and that’s part of the problem. “ I didn’t even know that there was a problem – he had never told me that there was and kept saying none of this was my fault and that I did nothing wrong and did nothing to push him away. And yet he screamed that shit in my face.

“Narcissistic rage is fueled by intense self-loathing. The narcissist unconsciously despises those qualities in himself that he views as dependent and weak. Rage overflows in the narcissist when:

• His image is besmirched (threat of loss of attractiveness or loss of social or financial standing)
• Others view him as imperfect
• He loses absolute control
• He is forced to admit he made a mistake
• He discovers a betrayal by a loyal lieutenant
• A rival shows him up
• He is publically humiliated

From Morty – I asked myself today, “Do you think he was capable of hitting you and do you think he would have at some point if the relationship had progressed?” And sadly my answer is of course, yes. And then I think that if I’m to give him any benefit of the doubt at all about anything – it’s that perhaps he knew this about himself that he was capable of it and bailed not necessarily for me but for my daughter. And it wasn’t really FOR her; it was more for himself – to keep his ass out of jail had he raised a hand to me or, God forbid, to her. And I am so very glad that this asshole is no longer in my life.

Oct 16 - 5AM
desprathousewife
desprathousewife's picture

The force of narcissistic

The force of narcissistic rage is cataclysmic, designed to leave no survivors. The timing of its eruptions is unpredictable. There is no chance to escape or run for cover. The victim feels invaded, even assaulted. The aftermath causes pain and emotional devastation.” Yep, that was EXACTLY how it happened to me, when the final mother of all rages hit I had no chance to escape or run for cover, I was invaded AND assaulted and the last ten weeks have been painful and emotionally devastating. I'd seen his rages before over the silliest little thing and just brushed them aside with my cognitive dissonance, the last episode I had some sence knocked into me at last LITERALLY and he now has to pay with a conviction and criminal record. I hope that you are all wiser than me and don't let it get to the stage of physical assault, armed with the knowledge you have IF you are still not NC, do it as soon as, let my lesson be one you don't have to learn before you say enough is enough. Well done Morty for getting this asshole out of your life. You have to believe what they are truly capable of, I didn't, but am still here to tell the tale thank goodness :)
Oct 15 - 10AM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

I think we all make the

I think we all make the mistake of trying to work out what they meant when they said this or that in a Rage, well it may as well be Chinese there is no sense. its just like sewage spewing out of a burst pipe, you dont stop to analyse whats in the sewage you get the hell away and run from it before you get it on you. So its all nonsence what comes out.
Oct 15 - 7PM (Reply to #60)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

LOVE IT!

Love the sewage analogy. I'm going to post that on my wall so that I will stop analyzing and trying to find the hidden meaning in things!
Oct 15 - 8AM
The Girlfriend ...
The Girlfriend of Dr Jekyl's picture

They Literally 'Burst Into Flames'

YeP! The will literally *Burst into Flames*...at the drop of a hat...for no reason at all...if you have never witnessed this before...it is incredibly scarey when these LOSERS throw a rage tantrum. They can be lethally dangerous during these outbursts too. Not something to take lightly. Your experience, Morty...sounds exactly like my Narcopath...and the first time he did this I could hardly believe it was the same person I had known and been with for over a year at that point. They rage over the smallest things, like a little spilled milk...or something like that will set them off...and you would think it was the Apocolypse! I think this is more than just about control...although that is a factor. Be safe Morty.
Oct 16 - 12AM (Reply to #56)
iAmMINE
iAmMINE's picture

I think the most embarressing "burst into flames" was....

When we would be out in public, or around friends... in public, or when we'd be in 'public' with family... He'd just 'burst'... burst outloud. And I knew the 'end' was coming soon when I had a friend look into the open truck window, holding on for dear life asking me, "are you gonna be ok?", and then her looking at him thru the same window pleading and reiterating... "but she didn't do anything....", then her eyes darting & pleading @ me again, "you could stay here and we'll drive you home. (this was also a married and 'emotional OW' for my 'n' at the time, and after this? His views and attention towards her changed drastically... she was then a "whore, fooling around on her husband":.... ummm duh!! ;) I prided myself in assurance @ her, and in how strong I am ;) He sped away; and burst even better at home. ~ And in freeing yourSelf from a nark I am seeing now that there are times life sets up stuff for us that we've had to use to 'gain' strength and to survive. Ok, so sometimes we love drama. It's familiar, we know how to act and respond and how to feel in drama. Sometimes we gain strength from the fear in drama. Sometimes it's the only way we can see reality 'outloud'. As it really is. Don't let em lie to you, new patterns are hard. They're unfamilar. The worst I've been thru so far?... I don't know how to feel sometimes. And when I do feel?... sometimes it scares the shit outta me. Yeah... But, ~~~ I will Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~ ~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them, --she said

~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~

~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them.

Oct 16 - 5AM (Reply to #57)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

IamMINE - being set up for this

" life sets up stuff for us that we've had to use to 'gain' strength and to survive." I think you hit it on the head. I'm interested in knowing what your parents were like, if you don't mind my asking? Any personality disorders in them or siblings? In my case ... that part you said about 'drama' and 'familiar' ... for me it was like what was in Betty's post yesterday about narcisstic supply doesn't mean insipid flattery, it's more about being narcisstic 'extension' - you represent something that he wants, whether it be control, a sense of normalcy or some other sort of soothing he needs cuz he can't self-soothe in a healthy way. SO, for me, the combination of being the child of a PDd person AND being the perfect extension for my ex-narc at that particular time in both my life and his - made me ripe for falling into the web. I totally understand what you said about not knowing how to feel sometimes. I was in the same boat. Mine started with my dad's suicide 3 1/2 years ago and then compounded with the trauma of the narc relationship. But before I beat myself up too much, that's a lot of trauma to deal with and it's totally understandable why I would have become numb. Fascinating what you wrote about the OW and how his view of her totally changed once she stood up to him. Fascinating, classic and sad at the same time. I saw my ex-narc treat suppliers in the same way - you can literally see the switch flick to the OFF position.
Oct 19 - 11AM (Reply to #58)
iAmMINE
iAmMINE's picture

Starting to feel now...

... But it does feel strange to me sometimes. To feel good, with less anxiety and fear and shame. I am so sorry about your dad babe (((morty))) I don't mind you asking at all. My dad? Sexually abused me from 2 - 8, when we finally left. My mom? Was from the generation that women cater to men because that's our 'job'. My brother (who died when I was 16) physically, menatlly abused me for years. He was mom's firstborn (she was 17). My sister, little sis, is "perfect"... just ask her. (she isn't really, as a matter of fact she's worn herself out trying to be perfect). She's convinced herself and sometimes my daughter that she should have been the mom of my girl. We were close when we were little but then I got distracted busy surviving abusive marriages. And she "wrote me off" when I wouldn't play into her drama concerning our mothers estate. (mom and I were close the last 2 years and sis hates it). So... PD's.... ohhh yeahh.... Hope you're having a good day :) ~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~ ~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them, --she said, (taken from my final remarks in a Sync Weekly Magazine article about my art and mySelf

~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~

~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them.

Oct 15 - 7PM (Reply to #55)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Girlfriend - Rage over the smallest things

Yes, that's exactly what they do. Thanks for the post. No worries about my safety - he hasn't been in my life for 8 months since I initiated NC, nor will he ever be. But it's a good reminder to us all that our saftey absolutely must come first. =)
Oct 15 - 8PM (Reply to #53)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Hi girlfriend

yiou must be new to the forum, i do not recognize your n ame. i had to take note of what you said, it is so validating, the littlest most inconsequential thing would make him go balistic, like a few strands of hair i forgot to remove from the bathtub when I was taking a shower, or a few crumbs left on the kitchen counter, or a napkin getting a little soiled, on and on the list of idiotic things, you mentioned control as being only a part of the equation, what else do you think is at work there? To me the constant rage and volcanic action over the dumbest things is control AND also anger, rage at his mother who did not allow him to grow up and develope as an individual person in his own right. when i sent him a letter saying it might be a GOOD idea to re=examine his relationship with his mother to see if he carried that with him the rest of his life, he sent me back onE of the most hateful letters i have ever seen, never once discussed what i wrote, just name caLling me a slut, whore, offering free sex the internet, first come, first Served, you would laugh for hours if you knew me!!NUTJOBS in all sense of the word..............
Mar 8 - 11PM (Reply to #54)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

irrational reactions

My XN would freak out if I did not close a box of crackers the "correct way" or asked for snacks when I would come over. He would scold me like a child and say "you should have ate dinner before you came over"!! I am slim and even if ate first, I would need a snack after about 3 or 4 hours because I have a fast metabolism and WTF, after 10 years of me providing him often with free nice meals, he would begrudge sharing a few crackers with me when we were hanging out for 16 hours or so. I have never seen anything like this! Who does not share their food with their partner? I trained him to accept sharing food and eventually he resigned himself to the fact that i would have to be fed if wanted me there and allowed me to go get whatever I wanted from the frig with a deep sigh. He had a dog he treated much better than me. I know this is a little off topic from the raging but it was still bizarre. He was a quiet man so he used intimidating facial expressions and an extremely irritated tone to his voice more than yelling. He only yelled once in 10 years when I told him I had met a woman he used to date who told me I was not really his girlfriend and that he was known for having multiple girlfriends. he convinced me that people say alot of things about him (he use to be famous) and that i was his only girlfriend...he was so upset, I believed him. Now I know he yelled because someone exposed him as a liar and he did not want me to know this other side of him. I was at the time totally in love and he had not yet started to discard me - he was acting like an ok boyfriend back then - I think...maybe he never was. The extreme control stuff with food was really weird though. I don't think he was being cheap, I think I was messing with his universe and systems...and he was living in his dead mother's house - it was her kitchen and he still had all her old stuff there - weird for a macho guy, huh? Man, I dealt with some weird stuff...
Oct 15 - 10AM (Reply to #52)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Both the Narc boss and Psych prof were the same way

My former Narc boss of 5 years was like that. Explosive. He raged when I accidentally put a bottle of honey on the counter without wiping its bottom. He'd rage over little things and threaten firing. It made him feel powerful. For the past 2 years, my supervisors don't get angry like that. My former N boss would rage, cuss. He caused whiplash to a coworker when he hurled a box at her... she is now on disability. He never copped to it to the managers, made it look like it was all her fault. The ex-Psychopath professor was WORSE when it came to anger, tho he didn't cuss. We used to argue, just the both of us, in a classroom. Maybe he knew something about his temper that the rest of our arguments were in public places. He raged when I complimented him, raged when I was mourning my grandfather. When I asked him why he was SO ANGRY after I declared my love, he'd deny it, and say "I'm not angry, I'm disappointed." But I'd also say "You say you're offended. If you're offended, you're angry. Why are you so angry?" He'd slam chairs in the computer lab during the D&D. Temper tantrums that don't make sense DO make sense when you're dealing.... with a toddler. Not an adult.
Oct 15 - 8AM
jen79
jen79's picture

Mayhem

I just read an interview about the N. Despite the funny part that he likes playing bad guys cause he likes playing the opposite of him (LOOOOL), he mentioned the word mayhem 2 times, I never heard of that word before. I guess this is universe synchronicity - signs!!! Weird.
Oct 15 - 7PM (Reply to #50)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

mayhem

yep, its funny. When N started saying the word Mayhem all the time, I had to look it up, because I was 45 years old and never heard another human use that word in common conversation..
Oct 13 - 10PM
ClusterF
ClusterF's picture

Mayhem

It's a control technique. They will asault you with them--emotional manipulation, mixed messages, projection, acting remorseful and pulling out the rage card. It's their MO and they create the mayhem to make you doubt yourself. Assholes of the most assholiest.
Oct 14 - 9PM (Reply to #45)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Cluster - LOL!!!

Assholes of the most assholiest. That is so friggin' awesome. Assholier than thou asshole. =)
Oct 15 - 6AM (Reply to #46)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Love 'em both

Assholiest Assholier
Oct 15 - 8PM (Reply to #47)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Assholiest - hilarious

So is this meant to speak to the fact that: 1. They are very self righteous (therefore the holiest) 2. And an asshole at the same time? Love it!
Oct 15 - 8PM (Reply to #48)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

one time

mine screamed at me because i made him a four course dinner. 'didn't i just fucking tell you i was on a DIET???' he was really thin. he also said his lunches i packed him were 'boring'.
Oct 14 - 5AM (Reply to #38)
marie27m
marie27m's picture

My exN went into a horrible

My exN went into a horrible rage after I publicly humiliated him, pushed and threatened me. Afterwards he sent me a message saying he will let me know when he will talk to me again because he first needs to get over it. Then a week later asks why I won't talk to him and that he's not angry at me, I was angry at him. Huh??? It's like he didn't even understand his own rage.
Oct 15 - 10AM (Reply to #42)
Nicole96
Nicole96's picture

Im pretty sure...

he is punishing me for humiliating him / exposing part of him in front of our friends... he didnt rage in front of them nor in front of me like you would imagine.. HE ABANDONED ME (our 9 yr relationship) 2 days later stating "we are just not compatible anymore"... "I want the female version of myself only better" he made a big dramatic scene, did not yell... but psychologically wounded me / tricked me... made me think i simply wasn't good enough for him anymore. Then he stole his friends gf and is hurting me with it too cause he knows i hate her... elaborate but i think this is exactly what happened. (its much more complicated, but to same time...)
Oct 15 - 3PM (Reply to #44)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

The female version of himself

The ex-Psych professor DID D&D me for the female version of himself... they had the same crew cut... she wore a pants suit. She wasn't incredibly feminine (I had assumed that since the girlfriend from LA, I'd be replaced with a supermodel-I was expecting Helen of Troy, Heidi Klum, not a tomboy) In a way, it explains why he'd be disgruntled and called me a slut when I wore a dress. And I dressed MODESTLY, more like an Amish lady than Madonna!* The way they acted was more like siblings than lovers. I thought, "Well, if he's going to flaunt his girlfriend to hurt me, at least he'll make out, at least he'll act like he's enamored and happy." So, there were no PDAs. I guess, for me, a passionate display of love would've given me closure. Heck, I felt tempted to push them into each other's arms and slip some Spanish fly into their drinks! But no, she and I introduced each other cordially, had a brief sweet conversation... he bolted, and she had to run down the stairs after him. The ex-P really wanted me to be his clone. *The pop star, not as in the Madonna/whore complex.
Oct 15 - 12PM (Reply to #43)
Alive
Alive's picture

OMG

i am still floored with this 'I want the female version of myself only better' WTF??? total nutcase, That must of hurt. This all seems one big plan to them, do they plan it?
Oct 14 - 9PM (Reply to #39)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Marie - Mind F

Ooh and I'll bet the public humiliation was something colossal. Like you told him his shirt tag was sticking up in front of his friends (if he has any) and the earth moved and hell's gates opened up and struck you with lightning for saying something so AWFUL. But he could say whatever he wanted whenever he wanted to. Mine was the best at this - being unable to take what he dished out.
Oct 14 - 9PM (Reply to #40)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

i always said...............

Mine could always dish it out,sling it across the table, say whatever came into his fu**king head, but God help me if I uttered a little peep of any slight criticism, the floodgates of HELL were turned on me................
Oct 17 - 12AM (Reply to #41)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Why so serious?

The ex-Psych professor would mock me cruelly behind my back... especially after my grandfather died (if you've read about that poor 7 year old girl in Trenton, Michigan, Kathleen Edward, it strikes a nerve) He'd be sneering at me in class, then telling his male disciples how he wish I'd drop dead. This is right after my Grandpa died, to whom I was close to and whom I loved. Put yourself in a student's shoes, with your teacher going around saying that kind of cr@p. He'd taunt me behind me by back... but if I mocked him to his face, he HATED HATED it. It was supply/attention he did NOT want. He wanted as much as a wino would want vinegar. He said he didn't mock himself and he didn't like being mocked because he "took himself seriously." Yeah, he dumped on me like crazy, but if I gave him mild criticism of his writing or teaching style... Narc rage! Well, he better like being mocked NOW. Or, to quote the psychopathic Joker "Why so serious?"
Oct 13 - 11PM (Reply to #37)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Mayhem definition

"the willful and unlawful crippling or mutilation of another person havoc: violent and needless disturbance" Sounds about right. Now I know why "mayhem" was one of my Ns most frequently used words! :) ughhh.
Oct 13 - 10PM (Reply to #20)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

mayhem

love how you used this word. I've never heard another human use the word "mayhem" in their regular language - but N used this word all the time. In fact, on his match.com profile he said "i am good at listening, being supportive....sometimes this comes all at once, and sometimes it is just a jumbled bit of mayhem" Funny how all the dots get connected. I would never even think to describe myself with the word "mayhem" in there anywhere. I guess they do reveal themselves if you listen closely.
Oct 14 - 9PM (Reply to #21)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

match.com

what he meant to say was, "I wish I could be good at listening and being supportive .... and sometimes I have Moments of Clarity and actually have a flash or two (when I want to get into a woman's pants) and sometimes it is just a jumbled bit of mayhem that shows how my own mind is the most frequent receipient of the Mind Fs that I dish out. I only do it to be brutally honest and supportive all at the same time. Because I'm a great guy." e-mail me anytime at supportive@narcmayhem.com
Oct 14 - 11PM (Reply to #24)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

morty

I swear these guys have the same handbook. When you used these terms: - moments of clarity - brutally honest (and supportive at the same time; that kind of explains the Stockholm syndrome) My N used these two terms ALL THE TIME about himself. Did you read these from my posts or is this your N speaking?? "Brutally Honest" to my N meant that he was allowed to say the most cruel, demeaning, slap in the face things to me in the self righteous name of "honesty". And that if I had an issue with his tone or the words he used...then I had an issue with "honesty"...and how could we possibly have a relationship if he couldn't be honest with me??? That was the biggest Mind F of all. And I could never win this argument with him because he has been Mind Fing his entire life apparently. He "won" every single conflict we had because I wasn't trained well enough! But being honest is: 1. hey LOML, I see you haven't fired X. I really think you need to fire him! 2. NOT, "LOML. It disgusts me that you haven't fired X. You have no spinal column. Why don't you just let me take care of this! See the slight little difference in these two tones of voice??? :) But he never got it. But I still am sooooo confused, because I thought he was the most supportive person in my entire adult life. And he was an awesome listener - also super focused on me and what I was saying, and ALWAYS had great conversations...this is where my very, very serious case of CD kicks in. Who was he!?
Oct 15 - 7PM (Reply to #28)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Love of my life - My N speaking

Oh no, those phrases absolutely didn't come from your post honey! Here are his favorite (ad nauseum) phrases: Moment of Clarity I'm brutally honest You or she are/is a 'smart chick' i won't live a life of quiet desperation at my core is a cold, analytical personality i'm always doing math i'm always looking out at the endgame i have a crystal ball blah blah blah blah I used to think he was so freaking fascinating. Now I just think he's a freak. And I'm glad I'll never have to hear him saying this shit in his aloof, nasally little whiny-trying-to-sound-smart-and-cool but isn't really voice. hehehehe