Hi all – more from Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life. Very resonating for me and I’m sure it will be for all of you as well.
“The force of narcissistic rage is cataclysmic, designed to leave no survivors. The timing of its eruptions is unpredictable. There is no chance to escape or run for cover. The victim feels invaded, even assaulted. The aftermath causes pain and emotional devastation.”
From Morty – here’s my example: after he dumped me but was still trying to convince me that I should be his best friend, he wrote me a condescending letter in which he said that he was so happy to have gotten passionately involved with me over the past year and that I needed to find a man who would accept me for having a daughter. “Men would be lining up at the door.” This was two days after he dumped me. I was so hurt – how could he say two days prior that he loved me but couldn’t handle me being a mother and then two days later tell me men would be lining up at the door to have a chance at me? So the next time we talked, it was in his car in a Dunkin Donuts parking lot. He was playing his aloof, Mr. Cool act, trying to pretend none of this was bothering him. And he coolly said again that I should find another man; one who could accept me with my daughter. I started to get weepy and said that I couldn’t believe that this early on he could even picture me with another man, let alone BAM!!!! His face got bright red and he got right in my face and screamed in a high-pitched, hysterical-sounding voice, “DON’T YOU EVER AGAIN FUCKING PRESUME TO KNOW WHAT I AM THINKING!!! I’m trying to fucking HELP YOU and you’re just going to have to fucking ACCEPT this. You have no fucking IDEA what grief is!!! You wanna know what GRIEF is??? Grief is spending four days staring at the fucking wall. Don’t you ever presume what the fuck it is that I am feeling!!!” I was scared shitless – I was trapped in his car and he was raging at me. Then, he turned off the spigot, that fast, and went back to doling out unsolicited advice and then telling me not FIVE minutes after he screamed that shit at me that, “NO ONE has ever understood me like you do and NO ONE I’ve ever met before you has THOUGHT like I do.” Wow. Such a compliment. From a fucking psychopath – I’m flattered.
“Rage is not anger. Anger is focused on righting wrongs and satisfying needs. Anger has beginning and an end… Long after the injustice has been rectified, the injury healed, the apology made – rage continues… Narcissistic rage propagates in the earliest years of childhood. It is the psychological remnant of a lack of parental empathy… Bottomless rage begins with self-hatred. Narcissists harbor a contempt for themselves that is projected onto all of those who share their lives… No one is spared their wrath. The recipient of narcissistic rage feels embattled. He is caught off guard by unpredictability and force of the attack. The narcissist is capable of rapid oscillations in his attitude toward you. In a single day he can be your best friend or an archenemy. No one is prepared for his abrupt mood shifts. These individuals perpetuate an atmosphere of apprehension and anxiety. Witnessing these shifting emotional weather fronts, one feels helpless, fearful, and inadequate. Narcissistic rage is fierce and relentless.”
Morty - The night he blindsided me and dumped me – he had me basically trapped in his house, alone, in the middle of nowhere. He did the dumping in an unclear way – I was confused; I wasn’t even sure if I was being dumped because he told me for the first time that he loved me. I was just so terribly confused, sick-feeling, and thought my world was turning upside down. So I started to cry and said that I couldn’t believe that this was happening. I said, “I just can’t believe this. I can’t believe this is actually happening. I feel like saying ‘NO NO NO, this cannot be’ over and over like I did the night my dad died” and BAM!!!!!!!!!!!! He stuck his face in mine and screamed at me, “Do you want to be a martyr like your mother??? Is that what you want? TO BE A FUCKING MARTYR??? This isn’t all about you and your feelings and that’s part of the problem. “ I didn’t even know that there was a problem – he had never told me that there was and kept saying none of this was my fault and that I did nothing wrong and did nothing to push him away. And yet he screamed that shit in my face.
“Narcissistic rage is fueled by intense self-loathing. The narcissist unconsciously despises those qualities in himself that he views as dependent and weak. Rage overflows in the narcissist when:
• His image is besmirched (threat of loss of attractiveness or loss of social or financial standing)
• Others view him as imperfect
• He loses absolute control
• He is forced to admit he made a mistake
• He discovers a betrayal by a loyal lieutenant
• A rival shows him up
• He is publically humiliated
From Morty – I asked myself today, “Do you think he was capable of hitting you and do you think he would have at some point if the relationship had progressed?” And sadly my answer is of course, yes. And then I think that if I’m to give him any benefit of the doubt at all about anything – it’s that perhaps he knew this about himself that he was capable of it and bailed not necessarily for me but for my daughter. And it wasn’t really FOR her; it was more for himself – to keep his ass out of jail had he raised a hand to me or, God forbid, to her. And I am so very glad that this asshole is no longer in my life.