Do not blast me

16 posts / 0 new

#1 Jul 21 - 7PM

malloryforest

Do not blast me

STBXNH wants his family back. He is ready to give up GF. He is willing to move to my state and start over. I am paralyzed with fear. Before you blast me for having contact, hear me out. I have very honest questions. I know because I have read that Ns can't change. I have heard that from this board, and from every therapist I have spoken to. I believe that part. I believe my STBXNH's actions were selfish and Narcissitic. There is a part of me that wants to believe in the good of people. There is an optimistic part of my soul that believes that all have the ability to become better people.

My N states that he is empty. He needs his family. He needs us to fill up his emptiness. He loves me and the kids. He needs to know that we are his lifeboat. ALl of these comments scare me, but I am also afraid of not giving people the chance to grow. I just don't know if I can trust him to grow with my and the kids hearts and souls and stake.

He has done some truly horrendous stuff to the kids and I. Stuff that is really not forgivable. He threw his entire family away for another woman. "Threw his family away." Now he has no job, is selling the house, lost many friends, and now he wants back. GF can't fill his emptiness.

Is there no hope for a man like this? When someone has done something so horrendous, can they ever come back? Am I being smart and a good mom, by never letting him back into our lives? This is still all about him. This is still all about his emptiness. I know the answer, but I still sit here so confused. I wonder if I am being short sighted or am I being long sighted. Could this be just a midlife crisis, or is this a severe pathology. A life crisis is something one can work with. A deep pathology is something to just walk away from. He has a history of leaving women. I am still hearing him talk about his needs. AM I just not hearing him say he loves us? Is he saying it, but I am not hearing it?

For an outsider, this is very simple. It is very black and white. For myself, it is more confusing. I want to do what is ultimatley best for my kids. I know it is best to keep the kids awayu from him. How can I let him discard them once again. It is my job to protect them. If a man can discard his family once, why would he not do it again? Are there men that do a horrendous thing like my husband, and then truly are remorseful and change? Can my STBXNH be that kind of man. Or is he just what everyone else tells me he is? It is confusing because at one point I believed in this man. I married him. I had children with him.

Please, don't beat me up, but please shed a light for me?????

#2 Jul 24 - 7PM

Carolyn

You want it to work out.

You want it to work out. Life isn't like writting a book or a movie script where the author controls the ending. He is who he is no more and no less. Have you spoken to your children? Maybe they don't want to be this guys 'life-boat'. he will come back, create the same problems, and dump you again. Stop being confused and think of the psychological effect on your children and the physical effect on you. this man can cause you to have a heart attack, create problems in your children's futures psychologically, he is a chaos producer and that is his nature. He has failed all over the place so you want to rescue him and give him a place to gear up for another attack on you and your children. Your major interest is YOU! Stop being concerned about anything else but yourself and your children and your futures.

#3 Jul 22 - 1PM

Barbara (not verified)

mallory

make sure you print it so the headers and technical data that comes with an email is on because he and she will probably say you made it up. MAINTAIN STRICT NO CONTACT WITH THAT PSYCHOPATH! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

#4 Jul 22 - 9AM

RenewD

Mallory

Mallory, I believe Barbara is right when she says that you are confused because of the brainwashing. I can tell you of my own experience with this same struggle you are facing. Every time my ex and I split up, he would come back crying saying the same things, he realizes how important me and the kids really are to him, he's going to make us a priority from now on, he misses us and can't stand the thought of living with out us, etc. Every time I fell for it, thinking the same thoughts you are now...that I'm wrong if I don't give him another chance, that I'm doing a disservice to my kids by not allowing their father in their lives, that he has the capacity to be a better man...and I truly did love him and wanted that for him. But, every time he came back (and this happened dozens of times while we were together for almost 20 years) the masks came off quicker and quicker and his patterns of bad behavior and abuse got worse and worse each time once he got back into that comfort zone. I cannot speak of what you STBX would be like or do, only tell you that I don't believe he would be any different if you let him back in your life, and quite possibly he could be worse than he was before you left him this time... Is that a chance you really want to take after all that you've been through? Can you risk putting your children through that again? I'm glad that you got the response from him that you did so that you could see for yourself that he hasn't really changed much, and is just trying to manipulate you. I hope that you will be able to hold onto that realization if he tries manipulating you into letting him back again... ((hugs)) D

#5 Jul 21 - 11PM

Suzie (not verified)

No judgement here.

Been there done that. Left and went back. He didn't change he merely shape shifted long enough to get me back. He recently told me that he realized soon after he came back that he really didn't want everything back. He just hates being alone. HE HATES BEING ALONE. Hello, I have been alone the entire time. Including now. It is so tempting to believe that his desire to have his family back means that he has changed and learned his lesson and will be good. But in my case it was a horrible lie, that has made us all suffer. I won't trust him when he "needs" his family back again.It is so hard. I have had the exact same feelings that you have. I understand.

#6 Jul 21 - 9PM

malloryforest

Thank you all

Thank you all for hearing me out. Well. I guess my reality check didn't take long. I sent him an email asking him to talk about all the choices he has made this past year. I asked him if he felt that he could be a better man than who he has been. The response I got back was...."You always have to go back to how horrible I was. You can't let it go. I am not bringing up how my needs weren't being met before I met GF. I guess this is my reality check that you can't move on." Well, if we can never talk about the pain that he has caused, he is right...we can't move on. I can't just sweep it all under the rug. This response is my reality check!

#7 Jul 22 - 9AM (Reply to #11)

Lisa E. Scott

Malloryforest

Wow, I'm so glad you received that response from him. I mean, I'm sorry you had to endure the pain of it, but so much better that you learn now instead of down the road after giving him another chance. He showed his true colors rather quickly this time, didn't he? I'm so sorry. From everything you have told us, this man sounds pathological. He will never change. You are doing what's best for you and your children by moving on. Stay strong, you are doing an amazing job here. Don't beat yourself up for considering it. You're a good person who wants what is best for your children. What is best is to keep them away from this toxic and abusive man. Keep up the good work. Big Hugs, Lisa

#8 Jul 22 - 5AM (Reply to #10)

finallydone

I'm sorry you got that

I'm sorry you got that response, but at least you got your answer quickly. Please stay away from him. That response sounded like a quote from my N. Its uncanny. They are so selfish it really does make it difficult not to want to take them down! You hang in there kiddo!

#9 Jul 21 - 11PM (Reply to #6)

Barbara (not verified)

mallory

you can't move on??? LOL!! Same crap exNH and Psycho-Boy have said to me. Minimizing their DEVASTATION... as you can see they don't get it and never will. There is no reason you SHOULD sweep it under the rug. Only another pathological would be able to "get over" what he's done. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/29/when-they-act-it-didnt-happen I was thinking about this Mallory and here's what I think he was trying to pull: - moving to where you out gets him away from an area where his unethical business conduct isn't know. He can start fresh on a whole new set of prey. (typical psychopath if you read WITHOUT CONSCIENCE by Dr. Robert Hare) - having HIS family back gives him his "props" back. He appears normal. If questioned about anything back where he was he can say "hey my wife took me back so I must not be that bad." Once again - all about HIS IMAGE. - he has to sell the house so he needs a place to live. Need I say more? He goes back to you he has someone to take care of him. He can play good guy for a while with you. - he'd probably either a) quietly move the girlfriend and her kids there; help her find a job and a place to live and **** her as often as he could or b) find a new girlfriend(s) pretty quickly He has displayed too many characteristics of a psychopath not to be one. Here you go: some of the common features of descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths. * Glibness and Superficial Charm * Manipulative and Conning They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims. * Grandiose Sense of Self Feels entitled to certain things as "their right." * Pathological Lying Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests. * Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way. * Shallow Emotions When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises. * Incapacity for Love * Need for Stimulation Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts or physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity, drug use are common. * Callousness/Lack of Empathy Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them. * Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others. * Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. * Irresponsibility/Unreliability Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed. * Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity Promiscuity, sexual abuse, porn and sexual acting out of all sorts. * Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively. * Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily. Other Related Qualities: 1. Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them 2. Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them 3. Authoritarian 4. Secretive 5. Paranoid 6. Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired 7. Conventional appearance 8. Goal of enslavement of their victim(s) 9. Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life 10. Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and worship) 11. Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim 12. Incapable of real human attachment to another 13. Unable to feel remorse or guilt 14. Extreme narcissism and grandiose (The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.) Now, that said - if you actually listen to this PSYCHOPATH one more time - I will blast you. ;P INSTITUTE NO CONTACT IMMEDIATELY WITHOUT EXCEPTION ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

#10 Jul 21 - 11PM (Reply to #7)

better off

I bet GF broke up with him

I bet GF broke up with him for now. That's why he's "empty." Besides being a vacuous piece of shit that's always empty anyway.

#11 Jul 22 - 12AM (Reply to #8)

Barbara (not verified)

I'll bet

Actually I doubt the GF broke up with him. She's probably just pissed he got fired and her gravy train is broken so the sex isn't so great right now. Would be interesting to send a synopsis of his "take me back & I'll ditch the GF" bullcrap to her. ROFL! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

#12 Jul 22 - 12PM (Reply to #9)

malloryforest

would love

I would love to send the GF all the emails and texts he has sent me, but I am afraid it will hurt me in court. When this is all said and done, I just may send a package her way. Wake up GF!

#13 Jul 21 - 9PM

grossot

You are experiencing a

You are experiencing a typical reaction. Please remember that he sought you out. He didn't fall in love with you. He saw you and thought "I want people to see me like they see her". He wants you back because you are normal. He desperately needs you in his life so that he can mimic you. He's going to say and do whatever it takes, Mallory. Its all lies. You would be doing your children a huge dis-favor if you go back to him. Take things a day at a time. Move cautiously. Your children will see one day why you had to be done with him. He is NOT thinking of you or the kids. YOU do not need him. He is taking advantage of your good heart. Save that heart for your children. He doesn't deserve it. (I did my best not to blast you) You are not wrong for staying away from him!!!!! Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet; for everyone is fighting some kind of battle - anonymous- :o) nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#14 Jul 21 - 9PM

Barbara (not verified)

no one's blasting you

Is there no hope for a man like this? No. When someone has done something so horrendous, can they ever come back? No. They can play pretend but they always go to being the evil they truly are. Am I being smart and a good mom, by never letting him back into our lives? YES! Could this be just a midlife crisis, or is this a severe pathology. PSYCHOPATH, PSYCHOPATH, PSYCHOPATH. AM I just not hearing him say he loves us? Is he saying it, but I am not hearing it? No. You are hearing its still ALL ABOUT HIM and his NEEDS, HIS HIS HIS HIS.... For an outsider, this is very simple. It is very black and white. No... been there and done that so many times I am on a first name basis with the pathology. For myself, it is more confusing. Because you have not deprogrammed from his brainwashing (which takes YEARS) and you listened to him; which retriggers the brainwashing. If a man can discard his family once, why would he not do it again? Exactly. Are there men that do a horrendous thing like my husband, and then truly are remorseful and change? No. Can my STBXNH be that kind of man. NO Or is he just what everyone else tells me he is? Yes! I married him. I had children with him. ...while he still was playing PRETEND GUY - then he showed you who he really was inside and you got out. Does that make it clear? Take your post above to your next therapy appointment and read it to him. See what he says. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

#15 Jul 21 - 9PM

quietude (not verified)

mallory

Hey girl...you are being honest and having honest feelings. I think you're a brave woman, and this proves it further, that you're not afraid to 'put yourself out there' in order to gain clarity. Mine turned into MR. Good Guy after we split. Some of his e-mails were cranky, but most were downright loving, reasonable, "normal-person" emails. It was pretty damn temping, I'll tell you. But I stopped looking to the immediate future....the part where he'd be on his best behavior, I'd get my hopes up, feel assured once again. I took it one step further and looked beyond the immediate future. I didn't see or feel anything that looked pleasant. I knew that if I took him back...eventually, he'd disappoint me...and it would be much worse than it ever had been because I dared to challenge him before. I know now, without putting myself through the HELL again, that there is NO chance of him being the kind of man I need and deserve in my life. Please think about this and picture your future with a man like this.

#16 Jul 21 - 7PM

finallydone

No beating up here

Hey You, I don't know how well I would face up to that if my N started calling me with that stuff. He doesn't... he tries to call and leave messages about everything I took away from him. But trying to be objective in this case.... look at what you wrote: "My N states that he is empty. He needs his family. He needs us to fill up his emptiness. He loves me and the kids. He needs to know that we are his lifeboat." It seems to be all about his needs. He is empty... he needs his family... he needs to know that you are his lifeboat. Where was he for you? I think that's the toughest part... and they play on the compassion. You moved to another state over this. I know you're hurting... but please please please really sit with your emotions for awhile and think about everything he's done. It would be horrible for him to come where you are, where you have gotten away from him.... and to have it all happen again. Since I really don't know for sure.. and I don't know him from Adam... nobody can really tell you what to do. But we are all here because of how horribly we've been hurt. So just please think it through very carefully. I imagine a good test would be to tell him you need some time to think this through and he needs to give you that time. If he is an N... this will irritate the hell out of him and he will up the pressure or the guilt or the intensity. Or he'll just show up, when you've asked him to give you time. Know what I mean? Pay attention the boundries and whether he crosses them, pay close attention to how he makes you feel (guilty? nervous, frightened, angry?) when he talks to you, and pay very very close attention to the words he's using and whether they indicate his needs and wants or any true concern for you. I imagine Barbara is going to say NO WAY! But I'm not near an expert on this and don't know that I would have written much different than you did if I got that phone call not when it's all so fresh. So you hang in there baby! Be careful... and really think about your own wellbeing so you can take care of your children's wellbeing. GREAT BIG HUGS!!!!

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