ughhh...back to

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#1 Oct 5 - 8PM

cluelessuntilnow

ughhh...back to

square one....Today I am just tired of everything. I have not posted in awhile but felt like I needed to tonight because posting makes me feel less alone with all of this. I was NC for 3 weeks (with the exception of very limited communication about our son) and all was going well until....

the other night I get a simple text, from my exN telling me had done something I had suggested he do months ago. I sent a simple polite reply. Frankly I was suprised he actually remembered what I had asked of him and did it.

The next night, I get a few texts with legitimate questions about our son and then followed by the death spiral into how much he thinks about me, wants to sleep with me and how(very detailed), suggesting phone sex and pics, and a drunken request for an affair. He obviously had been thinking about this -A LOT. He got from me no, no, no and more no. Then the next few days were filled with I am sorrys, & then D&D. This has been his pattern since he came back into my life after walking out on his baby and I 15 years ago.

Mind you I am married and the mother of his child, he is married (which he likes to emphasize when he D&D's me tell me that he is "REALLY happy with his life"). He swears (completely unsolicted) that he is over me and then every two months we end up here and back to square one him suggesting we have an affair. I have stood my ground firmly.

I am happily married, pretty, well educated, successful and am completely capable of normal interactions with him. Everytime I think he is going to behave normally and things are going well, this type of incident happens and then he acts cold as ice and dismissive and completely devalues me as much as he possibly can. This latest one has thrown me again, I am in a funk. It seemed more escalated this time and I feel hopeless.

What the hell does he want from me?!!!

#2 Feb 14 - 10AM

Hunter

"what does he want from me"

"what does he want from me" He's nuts! Tell him to contact your husband with regards to your son! Tell him you will not respond to any further text messages! You need to put this guy in line! You make the rules! Got It! If he doesn't like it, too bad so sad! Idealk

#3 Feb 14 - 6AM

agnesmurphy17

Harassment

In my state, if I were you, I'd go to the police. There might be a law against annoying communications, or criminal harassment. Texts are such a new form of communication, they may not be covered by the law. But you can enquire. Also, a restraining order? In my state, people who were in a family relationship in the past can gegt a criminal restraining order. But, if you cannot . . . there is always a civil restraining order. You do not need a lawyer for a RO. This is nuts. There is no reason that you need to be dealing with his attempts at seduction or slaughter -- alternating. Also, you could end this simply, by 1. telling him you will contact his beloved wife & ask her to ask you to stop sending you dirty e-mails & invitations to an affair; or 2. simply get copies of all his texts (you can get these from the service provider) & forward them to her & ask her to ask her husband to stop harassiing you.

#4 Feb 13 - 7PM

Amazed

Stay away, all he wants to do is bring you down

Their "conquering of you" or "weakening you" is using these suggestive techniques..you need to know this about them upfront, you need to know how to handle it before it happens and you are victim again. Don't ever give into his manipulations, it only brings you down.

#5 Feb 13 - 6PM

gettinbetter

OMG!

Didnt I tell ya he was gonna pull this! Call me!

#6 Feb 13 - 6PM

cameronns

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#7 Feb 13 - 6PM (Reply to #19)

jen79

spam

#8 Oct 6 - 8AM

ewa

Destroy your life. He sees

Destroy your life. He sees you have good life and it makes him angry. Do not allow him to do it, please!

#9 Oct 6 - 9AM (Reply to #15)

cluelessuntilnow

destroying our lives...

funny you should write this because this man has a ton of anger, and in a previous post I referred to him as "Mr. I tried to destroy you once." He actually did destroy my first marriage and yet he acts like he wants me to be happy now and then his actions tell me he wants to completely screw up my marriage. His marriage is a disaster and mine is not and maybe there is something to this jealousy/anger thing. They are just SO damn good at talking the normal facade talk of " I am happy you are happy. Oh and by the way I am very happy in my life". Really??? Then why are you calling me with all this crap?

#10 Oct 6 - 10AM (Reply to #16)

ewa

I do not think they can be

I do not think they can be jealous. I would say is pure anger. And of course they are not happy with their life's. Mine was telling me " I am so happy, i have everything what i wanted: great job, health, and great girlfriend" Really?? So why if you had a great gf you were cheating on her?

#11 Oct 6 - 10AM (Reply to #17)

cluelessuntilnow

ewa

Oh you are making my morning! Your post makes me feel less crazy. I got " I am 100% in love with my wife, completely fulfilled with my children and life, have a great job,etc...". Really, then why did you just ask me to have an affair-again?!

#12 Oct 5 - 8PM

MsVulcan500

I think he just wants to

I think he just wants to know that he is in your head . . . forever.

#13 Oct 5 - 8PM (Reply to #2)

cluelessuntilnow

MsVulcan500

I feel like the more I say no the worse he gets. He goes away and then comes back. Like he likes the challenge, needs to conquer me. And yes, stay in my head...forever.

#14 Oct 6 - 8AM (Reply to #9)

better off

Ignore

That's why even saying "no" feeds into his stupid games. I like to say the three most important words in the English language are not I Love You, but Ignore, Ignore, Ignore. Limit communication to things that concern your child, and ignore the rest. That will get very, very boring for him, whereas "working on you" even if you're saying no, is at least some kind of supply for him or he wouldn't keep doing it. So let's say he texts, "I was going to pick up Child at six. I bet you'll look sexy. You know how sexy I think you are, right?" You: Six sounds fine. Child will be ready. Him: Are you gonna wear something sexy? You: Him: blah blah blah blah blah blah You: Him: What? can't you take a joke? blah blah blah blah You: Just act like he is NOT saying those things. If you go into the territory of normal people and tell him you don't like it, you want him to respect that, you're not interested, all he hears is blah blah blah himself. But he's gotten you to talk to him somehow. So I would just play DUMB, DUMBER than DUMB, just act like he's not doing it. Let him walk away wondering WTF just happened, instead of you! ;) When you said you entered a "death spiral" conversation of how he wants you, blah blah, that's when the conversation is over. Especially if he texts... ignore it. And when he comes back later with "Hey, I'm sorry..." YOU STILL DON'T RESPOND. It is NOT happening, you are NOT acknowledging this crap one way or the other.

#15 Feb 13 - 11PM (Reply to #13)

narcissizednomore

better off

that is perfect!

narcissizednomore

#16 Oct 6 - 10AM (Reply to #10)

cluelessuntilnow

better off

I am so guilty of letting the conversation go too far. I admit it,because there is part of me that honestly cannot believe we are in the death spiral until it happens. Pretty naive and I will admit he still has that charm that is somehow able to keep me open enough to let him go a little too far and then it is too late. Trust me I am working on myself to strengthen my boundaries. I am been pretty good and firm, but he is working harder on me. So yes, ignore... LOL you sound just like him! Always starts with child related and ends up talking about what I am wearing or sex. Lord, he is married! Oh and in the past when I reacted badly, he said I was just kidding lighten up! He is so not kidding he will get away with as much as he can. His only fear is getting caught not his actions. As I said, ughhh!

#17 Oct 6 - 10AM (Reply to #11)

Meadowbrook

Passive aggressive

Oh, I HATE that passive aggressive, "I was just kidding" crapola.

#18 Oct 6 - 7PM (Reply to #12)

cluelessuntilnow

meadowbrook

Passive aggressive stuff infuriates me. The "I was just kidding", " you know I would have never gone through with it", blah, blah, blah... I also get the paternal, "we just need to do this", "I think you would agree that we both" when he needs a game changer.

#19 Oct 5 - 8PM (Reply to #3)

Susan32

Staying in our heads

After the D&D, the ex-Psych professor proclaimed that he wanted me to "forget him" then 2 minutes later said "I want you to remember how I taught you to relate to other people." I think Ns/Ps stay in contact when they think they can conquer you. I guess that's why the ex-P avoids me. I can't even give him a good ol' ego boost, but laugh at his expense!* *Helldweller wisely said "May you laugh at him for the rest of your life." And yes, he's gotten those laughs at his expense... sent to him. Literally. Nothing says "NOT AN EGO BOOST" such as being told you're infantile, and that the only difference between you and a baby maturity-wise is age. Bad enough for us normals to be ridiculed like that... but for a Narc, telling Mr. Almighty that he reminds you of your bawling, self-centered,bedwetting nephew. Not very nice. Ns/Ps tend to feed off anger instead of ridicule. They tend to hate being mocked.

#20 Oct 5 - 11PM (Reply to #4)

cluelessuntilnow

Feeding off anger

Susan, thanks for pointing this out. I once said why do you try to piss me off and he said because it is so easy and I can. Thanks to Sick of It today I did not respond with anger to him because he was trying to get a rise out of me. Sometimes it is soo helpful to have someone on the outside to talk you down. It just seems like the more angry I get (though he says he doesn't like it) the more satisfied he is.

#21 Oct 6 - 8AM (Reply to #8)

better off

As i said in another post,

As i said in another post, don't respond to such crap at all. It's great that you can keep from getting angry, but it's even better if you ignore him completely. Silence is Golden! And says it all! :-) At first when you do this, he will up the ante and probably try to say some really insulting things, or boo hoo, or something, but maybe when you get his stupid texts, you can post them here! Then we can all laugh our asses off at him, you can get used to ignoring him but still have a chance to vent when he says inappropriate things, and eventually it will stop affecting you.

#22 Oct 6 - 12AM (Reply to #5)

NancyM

More satisfied

Sometimes they just wind you up so they know you will start getting to a hysterical stage or worse, and then they sit there smug and superior. I think to them it is their way of firstly knowing the can control your emotions for better or worse, and secondly that they can push you to a point where you react in extremes that proves to them that you are no better than them. It is one very twisted game they play, and they are so damned good at it. If he is the one causing ANY emotional reaction from you, it proves his superiority over you.

Nevergoback

#23 Oct 6 - 5PM (Reply to #7)

Susan32

But NOT laughter!

Ridicule seems to say "I don't take you seriously." The ex-Psych professor enjoyed ridiculing me behind my back, and digging at me subtly (he saved his worse jabs for others--he lacked the cojones to tell me) Laughter is the emotional reaction Ns/Ps DO NOT WANT. When you're being mocked, you're being told, "Yeah, you're God, yeah right. LOL." The ex-P is so confused by idioms/slang I'm sure his Daddy would have to translate "ROFLMAO" for him. A classmate once played a joke on the ex-P, claiming he and I were cousins (we weren't) It cut deep for the ex-P, and I don't think he ever forgave me for it. I assume the ex-P's new supply of students every fall are probably playing pranks on him ;) He said he HATED being a teacher-well, if he had stayed in shape, he could've followed his true calling- acting!

#24 Oct 6 - 1AM (Reply to #6)

cluelessuntilnow

extremes

Nancy you are right he does try to make it out like I am extreme (and push me towards it) but when you look at it objectively he is the one with the extreme behavior.

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