NO CONTACT BASICS

An excellent post, Scoop. We think the N tries to control us, but what he is actually and always doing is controlling his SUPPLY. While he is controlling us, he is also controlling everyone else (friends, family, circumstance) and measuring the RELATIVE supply he gets from each. So, if one day you are getting the d&d from N, he is surely getting some very good supply from elsewhere. His entire environment is being controlled in this manner. What feels like control is actually the N feeding off of us in relative amounts, depending on how hungry he is at any particular moment, and how how many other tasty treats he has around to select from.. When we go NC we take away the control he has over his Supply. For N, this can be traumatic, depending on how many others he has available "in the fridge".. It is so weird. I gave my N his last "meal" almost 2 years ago.. it has been NC ever since. Yes, the NC has been for all me, but just the same, I HOPE HE IS STARVING!

There have been times when I've wished,perversely, to have gotten SOME contact from the ex-Psych professor, be it a "return to sender" postcard, a nasty email, or something as blessedly brief as "eff off." Then I remember that I was the one who initiated the NC. When I was in the teacher education program, he did NOT know where I lived, nor my home phone. When I left New Mexico, it was without telling a soul... I simply vanished. I did not notify him of my departure, nor did I ask for his permission... I left. The ex-P hasn't contacted me in a decade, for any reason... tho my few times of breaking NC have been to taunt him (something he hated-he liked ridiculing others, but ridiculing him gave him deep hurting),brag about my accomplishments,and mainly about... ME. I've realized that the word "you" is predominantly absent from my sparse communications with him. I'm glad he's NC- 1)Because I don't have to deal with BS 2)I've been quite happy the past decade 3)I've been able to help my mother, since my maternal grandmother is a Narc. My mother is studying up on NPD. She did NOT need a Psychopathic son in-law!!!! Nor did I need a Psychopath spouse!!!! 4)I no longer have to praise his boring philosophical lectures-however, if you want a sure cure for insomnia, I can quote the single surviving text I have with me. It's the written substitute for Valerian. So what he ignores me. He ignored me when I was happy for 4 years. It seems like Ns/Ps only maintain contact when they KNOW they control the narrative, when they're in control, and are controlling their victims' feelings. If they KNOW they can hurt you, they stay in touch. When they know you'll only use them as fodder for comic material, they stay away.

I ended a relationship 2 months ago, I havent seen him for that amount of time.The relationship wasnt healthy-but it wasnt with a pathogical either. I was hurt and dissappointed after the break up and decided to go NC. To get over it and move on. He, however had no grasp of the concept of NC so yesturday I had to tell him what NC meant. No IM's, text msgs, phone calls and emails and I asked him to please respect my wishes. Today is my first official day of NC after 2 months. NC was easier this time-But he was'nt a Narc.

No Contact has two sides to it . . . one side is those of us with needy hoovering Narcs get a satisfaction of cutting him off. But there are plenty of folks who have the Narcs that disappear and behave as though you never existed, and so THIS side of No Contact is not available. Nor is it the real "benefit". It is a possible fringe benefit, but not the important one. yeah, you all know where I'm going with this lol. No Contact is for YOU. If it f*cks with him, well, good. But NC ain't to screw with his head. That's still making it all about HIM. We're turning away from that in our recovery. We're heading into a new awareness of ourselves, a new Life. This is me speaking three years out. No Contact is for me. Because ANY contact, even hearing about him, sends me into a tail spin, where I feel like crap. Contact with the Narc is like having someone with the swine flu sneeze on you. You get "exposed to illness". In the early stages of recovery, when you are trying so hard NOT to smack him back or beg him to come back, you are still getting inoculated with disease. You still feel like shit afterward. All the hopes that THIS time it will be different (lol) are inevitably crashed. We see it on this board every day. NO ONE has broken NC and discovered their Narc had a personality transplant and lived happily ever after. Nope . . . we end up embarrased, angry and humiliated and coming back here to admit breaking NC and hoping no one will hate you LOL. There is a kind of "disease" that we are exposed to when we re-contact the Narc. No Contact is about not getting gassed with those microbes. No Contact is about keeping the Narc Cooties off of you. Only then does your mind clear up -- all on it's own!! -- and you automatically begin to feel better, clearer, stronger. Not over night. It takes time. A kind of long time, which is why Lisa set up the steps to recovery and all the literature and camraderie here to get us through this first very hard part.

Thanks for the basic reminder. I've spent THOUSANDS of hours over the years trying to decipher things and understand the mixed messages... but this one simple reminder sums it up: It was ALL about CONTROL I just made a post-it and will post it on my computer.... what a great reminder. Whenever we are confused and trying to sort out mixed messages, I think all we have to do is apply this truth and it will make sense instantly: 1. why did he take me out for my bday and treat me like a queen and then one day later REFUSE to let me take him out for his and make a scene out of it? a: it was ALL about CONTROL. 2. why did he do TONS of things to make me think he wanted a romantic relationship and then tell me I was misinterpretting it? (when any normal woman would see this as seriously leading me on) a. It was ALL about CONTROL. 3. why did he verbally abuse me to the point where I had to ask him to leave and then continually come back to me only to verbally abuse me again (when, like a fool, I thought he was coming back to repair the relationship) a. it was ALL about control. (and verbal abuse is control) 4. why, when I started to indicate the I was uncomfortable with the relationship and wanted to talk about it, did he refuse to take my call and then dump me as quick as lightening? a. it was ALL about control. 5. why does he want to pretend now to others that we still have a relationship, and that he is still influential in my life? a. It was ALL about control. (he wants it to look like he still OWNS me) 6. Why when my father was dying did he call me for 2 - 3 hours every day and get me all emotionally bonded to him again, only to verbally abuse me in between those calls? a. It was ALL about control. 7. why does he have 5 - 6 simultaneous relationships with women and stops each of those relationship right when the woman wants to take the next step? a. It is ALL about control. This little phrase works for every doubt, question, mixed message that has happened in our relationship. Thanks for the very simple reminder..

Good point, Scoop. Yes, it's all about CONTROL. I've been doing a lot of research lately for purposes of the new website and recovery book. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), there are 10 Personality Disorders. Mental health professionals group these personality disorders into one of three clusters based on similar characteristics. Guess what they all have in common with one another? All Personality Disordered Invdividuals (PDIs) are: MANIPULATIVE CONTROLLING SELFISH They seek out relationships in order to use people to meet their own needs. Nothing more, but certainly nothing less. For example, people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) use people in relationships in order to ensure their ego is always stroked. People with Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD) use people in relationships in order to obtain material things (i.e. money) from them. Below is a brief summary of all 10 Personality Disorders according to the DSMIV published by the APA: Cluster A (odd or eccentric disorders) 1) Paranoid Personality Disorder: characterized by irrational suspicions and mistrust of others. 2) Schizoid Personality Disorder: lack of interest in social relationships, seeing no point in sharing time with others, anhedonia, introspection. 3) Schizotypal Personality Disorder: characterized by odd behavior or thinking. Cluster B (dramatic, emotional or erratic disorders) 4) Antisocial Personality Disorder: a pervasive disregard for the law and the rights of others. 5) Borderline Personality Disorder: extreme "black and white" thinking, instability in relationships, self-image, identity and behavior. 6) Histrionic Personality Disorder: pervasive attention-seeking behavior including inappropriate sexual seductiveness and shallow or exaggerated emotions. 7) Narcissistic Personality Disorder: a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. Cluster C (anxious or fearful disorders) 8) Avoidant Personality Disorder: social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation and avoidance of social interaction. 9) Dependent Personality Disorder: pervasive psychological dependence on other people. 10) Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder: characterized by rigid conformity to rules, moral codes and excessive orderliness (not the same as obsessive-compulsive disorder).

Thank you for this today Scoop. You must be reading my mind! A few of us were talking about the importance of NC last night via skype. Very true.....there is all about control with them but there is no way for them to control, brainwash and manipulate you once you commit to NC. You see things about your relationship in a whole new light when enough time passes with maintaining NC. Great timing and thanks again!!! only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

yes great post,, i was told this friday by exbin he said it is all about control... they only times the 2narcs were happy when i was staying in...narc phoned one day for 8hours from pay as you go mobile... it must have been love...LMAO... and kept saying when you are home...i am sorted i know where you are and what you are doing... myexh said the same thing even when we were no longer married ,he used to come looking for me...saying i will drop you home...see me in doors.... he was sorted...then phone say, an hour later to my landline to make sure i was still in....oh such pathetic men... no love in it at all ..just control...yet if i was ill... never saw either of them or heard from them...when i pulled them on it the both said...oh i knew you were to ill go out...so i was content...christ what was i doing with these nut jobs.....