What's the purpose?

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#1 Oct 2 - 6PM

gettinbetter

What's the purpose?

The Narc lives 300 miles from me. We have not seen eachother in six months now. Prior to last week we had not actually spoken on the phone in 5 months only via text. So we have a conversation and I ask whats the deal and he says: You went thru a feisty spell and Im just not gonna fight with you. We cant fight like that again (referring to round one) WTF? He goes on to say he loves me he always will but that is not always enough that we have alot to work out. Hes saying all of this on the phone and I can tell he is at a happy hour where I hear women giggling in the background.

He goes on to say that we have a difficult situation at best as Im married and live so far but he thinks its worth fighting for. Of course though he up and says hes gotta go and hell call me back. A little while later he calls me back saying he on the way to a dinner and when he arrives says I gotta go baby in a hurried tone (my guess is a woman was approaching his truck)

Anyway why does this man continue to profess that he loves me?
I cant figure out WTH he gets from it. Normally I would think sex but he couldnt even do that the last time we were together. He is super hot and always has women around. So what is it? Im a million miles away and married. Yes we do have a past. He is always sorrounded by a ton of supply so I have no idea what he would need me for. There are moments albeit few and far between that I feel that he feels something for me (though I know its not possible)and sometimes I feel like the whole E.D. thing may have been evidence of that as when he looked into my eyes is when it happened. It was almost like he was saying "No No No I have a history with you. you're getting too close to me." So if he cant sleep with me and he cant parade me around in front of people what does he get from it? I have nothing he wants or needs.

I just cant figure out the motive?

#2 Oct 3 - 2PM

neverlookback

sick of it

Lisa Scott and Meadowbrook were RIGHT ON with their replies. However, I wanted to add something since I too am married and this happened to me as well. It happened because I was vulnerable the death of both my parents in 6 months and a verbally abusive husband who didnt appreciate me for 20 years, this can happen so easily they sniff us out real fast. It took a psychopath to lead me astray as I was very very devoted to my husband. No decent, moral good man would have done that to us. Oh sure there are many women who LOOK to find love in all the wrong places, but I WAS NOT LOOKING this predator came into my life like a whirlwind sweeping me off my feet promising me the world and proclaiming we were going to rescue each other from our relationships that werent good, ya right bla bla bla. In reality this just does not happen. The first RED FLAG was I AM MARRIED and if I was that lonely and unhappy in my marriage I should have left my marriage long before this sick person came along. Oh but they seem perfect dont they, they come in such a charming pretty package just what you always dreamed about wasnt it? "He goes on to say he loves me he always will but that is not always enough that we have alot to work out." I too heard this in so many words, firstly he NEVER LOVED YOU as mine NEVER LOVED ME and there was nothing ever to work out because he never wanted the commitment that you wanted, that is the LAST thing he wanted. What he did want was a married woman that lived far away, Perfect set up for him. Gave him the perfect excuse to never commit and why things didnt work out between you both. This man has many women in different ports so to speak and the further away from his back yard the better so he can cheat, lie, and lead a life you know nothing about. As I look back and think how I was taken for a ride with this person I also know it takes an incredibly twisted, evil, and sick person to do this to another human being. To PRETEND to love them, to pretend to want a future with them and in the end emotionally rape their whole lives in every way that is possible. If you think back with a clear mind really take a close look at what he wanted from you? Sex? Oh maybe the first few times, mine turned into Mr Ed too and you are NOT the only one he has ED with, so scratch sex off the top of the list. He was after validation, power and control THEY LIVE FOR THE FIX, eww and isnt he all mighty and powerful to seduce another mans wife and keep her deeply under his spell, real big contribution to society eh? This man as well as mine is nothing but a male whore rapist, garbage and dirt on the bottom of your shoes. Lowlife trash, as much as you think they have, how wealthy they may be, smart, charming, "Hot" with a line of women just waiting in line for him, THEY CAN HAVE HIM because the whole pretty package always turns to shit with everyone they con and betray and they con and betray and abuse EVERYONE they are with. The last message mine left me quite some time ago was: How would you like me to tie you down, and screw you with my D--k and a dildo and hold your head down, would that make you wet"? So you can see what my sick and twisted dream man turned into, but it was a slow change, I have to hand it to him he took the mask off very very very slowly. That is not exactly what I was initially promised by this man now is it? The sick SOB had the ability to pretend and act on his love for me, and in the end that is who he REALLY was. We have to step back and truly see how sick their game and their lives are - what he has done to you he has done to many many other married women, just as mine has, they destroy marriages, families and personal lives, so I ask you, Is that someone who ever loved you, let alone capable of knowing what love feels like? Know this, we did not walk away from love with these men. I know I walked away from a very very disturbed person and I WILL recover from the horrible experience and will not allow such a person to destroy what life I have left. I am truly sorry you had to live this awful experience my heart goes out to you x0x0x0

#3 Oct 3 - 6PM (Reply to #9)

Meadowbrook

neverlookback

My experience was similar in many ways. He started out oh-so-romantic and once I was hooked he started to slowly, slowly, almost imperceptibly, start to demean and objectify me. Once he got me to believe him and betray my husband by having sex with him he called me "slut". He did it in a playful way so even though I felt in my gut I had been tricked I tried to rationalize it. I stayed in the game for several months with lots of game playing and misery. It just degenerated even more and he clearly got his kicks calling me "slut" and putting his hands around my neck and being rough and texting vile things. We worked together which made getting away from him tricky. I had to try to remain on good terms until I could get away because I just knew he would destroy my reputation and career if I was on his bad side. My personal opinion is these men who knowingly go after married women are verging on psychopathic, not just narcissistic. Did you ever have an inclination to expose the N? I struggle with this because I have the ability to do this in my case. Everyone tells me not to do it. But I find it very upsetting that he is continuing to destroy people's lives and no one says or does anything about it.

#4 Oct 3 - 7PM (Reply to #13)

neverlookback

Did you ever have an inclination to expose the N?

Oh yes the name calling, slut, whore, and of course they make us feel like we are because of what we did, when in fact it was THEM that tricked us and raped us to begin with. Your personal opinion is correct, there are men that have affairs with married women because sometimes it just happens, but then there are these men who DELIBERATELY seek married women for the reasons I told you and the reasons are clearly psychopathic and pathological. I didnt find it much fun when he put his hands around my neck either, but I saw in his eyes the high he got from doing it during sex. Did you ever have an inclination to expose the N? ewww I have so many sick messages saved on my phone that I could let his GF hear and how I would LOVE to cause hell in his life for what he did to me. I would love to know that I was one woman he could not f---k over and get away with, but alas Meadowbrook the hell I would cause in his life would come back to me, he is a sheriff and a very dangerous man and its not worth further harm to my life, if I could get by with it I would.. Wouldnt the GF at home love to REALLY know and HEAR what her boyfriend does in his other life and how he destroys peoples lives including her own. She is living a life with a sexual predator. Wonder what she would say after listening to her boyfriend tell me how much he loved and cared for me and the sick vile things he wanted to do with me and others. Oh let me guess he would probably try to convince her it wasnt his voice? ha ha ha Sorry psycho cant get out of that one. Yes it is upsetting they continue to do this but in the end are they really getting away with it? All their relationships are troubled because they lead double lives so if you ask me he isnt getting away with anything and what they are left with is not much to be desired. They always have a need for outside affairs, and they always desire others and abuse the ones they are with, and I think that comes back to bite them in the ass in the long run. Just how peaceful can their lives be, always having to cover their tracks and lies. I would have a stroke if I lived that way. We have to release these sick men and leave them to the life they will always live and I never want to be apart of such a sick sick person again. x0x0x0

#5 Oct 3 - 6PM (Reply to #10)

jen79

Meadowbrook and sick of it

Did we date the same guy? Does his name start with a C? Ok mine asked from me so pervert things that I am embarrassed to write about. But what striked me too, that when he saw me then, he didnt want to have sex with me. Because I was a good girl and he cant perform when he has feelings. I dont know if that was a lie, cause after he texted again as if nothing has ever happened and he went into sexting pervert and I thought, wow has he forgotten he said he has only sexual feelings for women he doesnt feel anything. Weird sick psycho game. And me too, I am thinking not about exposing him, but about warning the ex he just broke up with, so she stays away from him this time, I know she is in the game already for 7 years but I know she would probrably just use it to reconnect with him and he could finally proof how crazy I am. I'd soo much like to tell her, and some other girls I know about. But I dont want to give him the satisfaction of labeling me as crazy.

#6 Oct 3 - 7PM (Reply to #11)

gettinbetter

Jen 79

I did read that they cannot have sex with women that they "believe" they love so Im sure there was some truth in what he was saying.

#7 Oct 3 - 10PM (Reply to #12)

Lisa E. Scott

Madonna-Whore Complex

Exactly, they have a Madonna-Whore Complex. At the end of my marriage, while sitting in couple's therapy, my EXNH said to our therapist: "Lisa is my good, sweet wife. I can't see her in a sexual way at all." Of course, he did in the beginning because the thrill of the chase turns them on. Unfortunately, once they conquer you and they begin to see you as a loving, sweet person, you lose all sexuality in their mind. To them, sex is dirty and reserved for whores. The women in their lives who they "believe" they love are completely sexless to them. Here's a copy and paste of an earlier post I made on the Madonna Whore Complex: Narcissists do not see women in a healthy way. They are unable to see a woman as cute (i.e. sweet) and sexy at the same time. No, narcissists categorize women into one of two separate categories—saintly or sexy. They have a very difficult time seeing a woman as both. To them, a woman is either one or the other, but never both. This is what psychologists refer to as a Madonna-whore complex. If a woman is sweet and nice, she is classified as a Madonna. If she challenges him, she is defined as a whore. A Madonna is sexless. A whore turns a narcissist on like nothing else. In the beginning of a relationship, every woman is sexy to a narcissist because the thrill of the chase makes her enticing. The harder to get she plays, the sexier she becomes. However, once she has been conquered by the narcissist, she slowly loses her desirability. The more comfortable the relationship becomes and the more caring she becomes, the less enticing she is to him sexually. She loses her sex appeal and becomes a saintly Madonna figure. A Madonna fulfills a narcissist’s need to be catered to like a child. A whore fulfills his adult sexual needs. A whore is the only type of woman that turns a narcissist on. A Madonna is completely sexless. Over time, any woman who is good and caring to a narcissist will inevitably become sexless. Many cerebral narcissists revert to pornography at this point, because it portrays women as whores. Pornography is degrading to women, and this is exactly what turns a narcissist on. Many become addicted to pornography. Somatic narcissists are more likely to find partners outside the relationship. A narcissist eventually withdraws sexually from any type of intimate relationship you once had with him. I believe it is inevitable in any long-term relationship with a narcissist. You become sexless. You become the Madonna. He still needs you, no doubt. However, this is not because he is in love with you in any adult or mature way. He needs you to continue to cater to his needs. He needs you to ensure that someone will always be present to stroke his ego, should the outside world fall short of his expectations. I fear the easy access young teenagers have to pornography today breeds narcissism. When pornography is a teenager’s first introduction to sex, I believe it skews their understanding of it. Instead of learning that sex is something you save for someone you love, they see people having sex with many random people in pornography. What does this tell teens about sex? It tells them that sex is not sacred. It teaches them that sex need not be reserved for only the one you love. Many teens today are learning about sex and love through pornography. As a result, I believe they see the two as mutually exclusive. In other words, they see sex and love as two completely separate entities, which is precisely how a narcissist views them. A narcissist does not view sex as a reflection of one’s love for another. He views sex as something completely separate from love. To a narcissist, love is sexless, pure, and saintly, whereas sex is dirty and reserved for whores.

#8 Oct 3 - 8AM

Lisa E. Scott

Why he keeps coming back

Why? Why does the narcissist keep coming back? Why can't he leave us alone? It's important to understand that a narcissist has no inner-sense of self. He disconnected from himself a long time ago. Because he has no sense of self, he must be validated by others in order to feel alive. Without outside validation, he feels dead inside. He returns to you to get a "quick fix" on his addiction. Once you validate him by responding to him in any way, shape or form, he's got his fix and will move on to the next best high. Getting a reaction out of you is like a drug to him. He gets off on it and he needs it in order to feel alive. It gives him a thrill. Without it, he feels dead inside. This is why he will come back simply to insult you or demean you. If he knows he can't get a positive reaction from you, he's going to try to elicit a negative reaction. All he needs is a reaction from you to get his fix - good or bad, he doesn't care - as long as he gets a reaction from you. He likes to know he still has some kind of hold or effect on you. Do NOT give him this satisfaction. Please Do NOT feed his addiction. Let him get his fix somewhere else. The only way to deal with a narcissist is to go "No Contact" and refuse to react to him. My hope is if you better understand why he is coming back around, it will help you stay away him. Don't give in to him. He feels dead inside and is coming back to you to validate him now. How dare he?

#9 Oct 3 - 7AM

Meadowbrook

sick of it

I had a somewhat similar situation in that I was married and pursued by an N. He always acted like he thought we were soulmates and for that reason he had to "pace" himself. This gave him some credibility because it seemed like he was sincere and not just interested in sex. In fact, he didn't seem interested in sex after the first time which made me think he was feeling conflicted or remorseful or afraid of intimacy or whatever. But it turned out that sex was NOT the thing that got him "off" so to speak. He was interested in the conquest of a married, conservative woman who had never strayed before. The fact that he could get me to betray my husband was his ego boost. I honestly believe he was boosted by conquering MY HUSBAND as much as me. He was jealous of him and felt powerful for corrupting me. I thought he really cared because he didn't seem overly interested in sex and would turn me down. But he liked to sexually tease me and leave me hanging. He liked to make me think he was really into me then withdraw so I would chase him then act aloof. It was all a game to watch me squirm, to conquer and control and manipulate me. I couldn't figure it out for a long time and spent a year in utter misery that led to me quitting my job from sheer stress. I confessed to my husband because I think subconsciously I knew it was the only way to get away from this predator. Please, please stay away from this evil man who is calling you. He will ruin your life. Take it from me, I barely escaped and I'm lucky my marriage survived but it was a horrible experience. Get away while you can. If nothing else, think about how your husband would feel as the "cuckolded" man. This other man is a predator and wants to destroy your home and happiness for his own selfish gratification. I sent Betty an email to let her know I am available if you want to email me.

#10 Oct 3 - 11AM (Reply to #5)

better off

Same here

Yes, they are able to make the "pulling away" seem like it's out of guilt, conscience, etc, when it's really just part of their game, and has you thinking their intentions are good instead of bad. I remember telling the AW that things had started to go a bit better at home, and that my husband was actually starting to try to behave better and work on things at home, but... and I trailed off, and he said, "but he's not me." He said it in this understanding tone, but there was something so... I don't know how to describe it. It's like that's what he really wanted, to have bested him or something and know that I was always thinking that. He sounded so pleased. Although to be honest, I was somewhat guilty of that... he said he was staying with his wife a while longer because of his nearly grown children (but that he didn't really see his "future" with her, hint hint, lie lie) and I wanted to feel like that was fine as long as he loved me more, loved me best. Not something I'm proud of. I've repented of that. And sickofit, you would do well to spend time reading the Share Your Story section, and you will find YOUR story in different forms over and over and over again. That was my first step to seeing that this was NOT special, HE was not special, the SITUATION was not special, and I was not special... in the sense that he made me feel that way. It followed a pattern that is SO similar it can only be explained by pathology. That part is shocking and awful, and seems to make it worse, but then it makes it better. Because THIS MAN is nothing special, he's a cardboard cutout and you can live quite nicely without him.

#11 Oct 3 - 12PM (Reply to #6)

Meadowbrook

Cardboard cutout

Betteroff, even though I know we weren't involved with the same person, the similarities never cease to amaze me. The day before I confessed to my husband I had a wrenching experience with the N that pushed me over the edge psychologically. He had been toying with my emotions regarding whether or not he was going to be offered this new job in a foreign country and whether or not he would take it. I was trying to detach from him, do the right thing and make my marriage work. He knew this. But he would still IM me with "I just want to know that you want me" or "I could never leave a friend like you". I refused to give in to that because I knew in my gut he wanted me to say I didn't want him to leave but then leave anyway - secure in the knowledge he had broken my heart. He continued to maintain he probably wouldn't take the job just so he could keep me going. But I kept insisting he SHOULD take it and WOULD take it. (I thought I was doing the right thing by encouraging him to take this great job and not give it up because of me - even though deep down I knew he would take it regardless). He kept toying with me, IMing things like, "are your bags packed for xxxxcountry?" This was just blatantly emotionally manipulative. The day he got the job offer he talked to me for a long time about it. By the things he said it just confirmed my suspicion that he never had any intention of NOT taking the job. I kept my cool, intuitively knowing not to break down or give him too much in terms of my feelings of devastation. During those conversations he said a couple of insulting things about my husband. At one point he said I should come with him and bring my kids ("the cute ones" as he called them) and leave the other one (my husband) behind. I replied that it was clearly ridiculous. He then went on to explain his view of how different people ranked in my affections. He said, "well, your kids would be first, then your father, then me and THEN your husband." He seemed to take great delight in this view. Later when I was talking about how my husband and I were getting along better and things were going well he made a comment about him (the N) being better in bed or something. I must have looked at him funny - because that was NEVER true and not something we had discussed. So he prodded with, "just a little better, right?" Sickening. That's why I am saying they want to conquer the husbands too just for their ego boost. THey want to craft a scenario where they can believe they have left you pining for them forever while you are stuck with a husband who is "less" than they are. I was so devastated by the whole thing all around that I came close to checking myself into a mental health facility. It was horrible....then I confessed....and escaped.

#12 Oct 3 - 7AM

TNR1

That happened to me....

Sometimes I think they just want to boost their egos by going back to old sources of supply, and yes, it's a cat and mouse game. Nothing more.

#13 Oct 2 - 9PM

almostlydia

Cat and mouse game. you're

Cat and mouse game. you're the mouse that got away. sometimes, i think it is enough for them just to know that ruin anything and everything for us. he is ruining your marriage, that is the game. plain and simple. that would be my take on it. almostlydia

almostlydia

#14 Oct 3 - 2AM (Reply to #2)

gettinbetter

Wow! I never really thought

Wow! I never really thought of it that way. He would probably love that.

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