Quick thought about Word Salad

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#1 Sep 30 - 12AM
better off
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Quick thought about Word Salad

We make much here, especially to confused newcomers,about the word salad of narcs, and that while they seem to be speaking English, they are really just throwing out a disordered pile of lies, things they saw in movies, things other people have screamed at THEM probably, lies, impulsive stupid thoughts, and more lies. Plus some lies. None of it makes sense, none of it MEANS anything, so there is no point in analyzing their "thoughts." It's a waste of time, and they will change their words, completely contradict themselves without blinking an eye, and think you shouldn't notice it either. This is part of being disordered.

Another thing to keep in mind is this: it's a two way street! There is a language barrier that can't be crossed.

Nothing we say to THEM makes any difference either. When we try to make them take responsibility, or tell them off, or get them to understand our pain, or teach them how to act human... it's word salad to them. These words and concepts mean NOTHING to them. They might try to pretend sometimes, but they are only pretending. Their brain does not process emotional information like ours. For instance, the word "love" doesn't prompt any more or different emotional response in their brain than the word "rape" or "death" or "spoon" or "table" does.

So, in addition to not listening to them, there is no point in EXPLAINING anything to them either. They only hear blah blah blah blah.. some have even remarked that N's have called it "white noise." SO... for the umpteenth time ;P NO CONTACT is the way to go... because you might as well be talking in Mandarin Chinese or Klingon for that matter...

blessings to all!

Oct 5 - 7AM
Pontouf
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LOVE this post

Pontouf OH Better Off- you made me laugh out loud this morning! What a treat!SO SO true and said so brilliantly and with such humor! Thanks! A great laugh is definately good food for the injured soul!!!!

Pontouf

Oct 3 - 12PM
better off
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Predator

In trying to explain this, about them being so different from us, so Other.. I often think of the end of the movie Predator. The Predator is camouflaged throughout the film so they can't tell what it really looks like. Then at the end, he is revealed, and he is hideous... and then Arnold has this exchange with it... Arnold: What da hell ARE you?? Predator: What the hell are YOU??
Oct 2 - 6PM
fooled no longer
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better off -youre great!

I didnt know your story, i read some of what you went through here tonight. and all I can say I hate these ARSE WIPES even more. You are as bright as a lighthouse and caring and smart, so no guessing what he got out of it. Im so glad you lived on to tell the story and can still share with us here. We love you and I know what you are doing here will not be in vain. Im sorry you didnt find someone worthy of your humour and courage, but bright times are ahead. p.s. thanks for my song You are great. xxx
Oct 3 - 12PM (Reply to #103)
better off
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Thank you for your sweet

Thank you for your sweet words. It means a lot. And the song you wrote was really good, you have a talent with words and imagery! It gave me the same feeling as that song by Natalie Imbruglia, Torn. My song was a joke of course, but that's my talent, lol! And thanks to everyone that has said nice and uplifting things to me. I'm just somebody who lived to tell the tale, and you can too. If anything, I'd ask for everyone's prayers, because I believe in God, AND I believe in the devil, and there's nothing the devil would like to see more than for me to crash and burn, so I don't ever want to feel like I'm "too" strong or invincible or whatever. I haven't been "challenged" with anything lately to make me put my money where my mouth is, so please pray for my protection and I will pray for yours.
Oct 5 - 7AM (Reply to #104)
Meadowbrook
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I'm praying for your

I'm praying for your protection and giving thanks to God for your wise advice and compassion for others.
Oct 2 - 11AM
Lisa E. Scott
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Betteroff

Amen! "NO CONTACT is the way to go... because you might as well be talking in Mandarin Chinese or Klingon for that matter..."
Oct 2 - 8AM
fooled no longer
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So True

Hey better off you are funny and smart, funny and wise, funny and so useful. Dont you have any other tricks?? Ha ha just kidding youve saved me from falling down that damn hole more than once and for that I thank you. This post is so brilliant it should be made a sticky on the blog or other page so that people can easily find it.
Oct 2 - 12PM (Reply to #100)
better off
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Thx fln, I do have another

Thx fln, I do have another trick, I wrote you a song! Look for it!
Sep 30 - 11PM
loveofmylife
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betteroff

was this post directed at me? :)
Sep 30 - 11PM (Reply to #91)
better off
better off's picture

LOL

Yes, did it work?! This is for everyone of course... I think God led me to write it because there have been two things going on the board the past couple days... One group wanting to send msgs to LET HIM KNOW something or other, and one group who already did it with disastrous results... all unfolding in a big ole cosmic lesson. You can say I just want to wish you well and get: abused. You can say I hate your guts and you make me sick and get: abused. You can say I'm doing fine, how about you? and get: abused. You can ask do you know how much you've hurt me??? and get: abused. You can say I love you so much and I don't know what happened and get: abused. You can say I had spaghetti for dinner and get: abused. So, you know, it's up to you... ;P
Oct 2 - 1PM (Reply to #98)
kiwi10
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can i have a song too???

can i have a song too???
Oct 1 - 11PM (Reply to #97)
apple
apple's picture

I...

LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS!!! SO freaking true!!!!
Oct 1 - 11PM (Reply to #92)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

betteroff

very, very true. No matter what we say or do we get abused...because...they chose to abuse us. This is very similar to the "tar baby" analogy I wrote about before. I felt so stuck to him and couldn't get away and no matter how hard I tried to get away, I would get more and more stuck. Until I finally learned that I just had to slowly walk away and ignore him. If I tried to say how much I cared for him and let's work it out - I would get abused (tar baby stuck to me) If I tried to say - you are hurting me and I need you to get away - I would get abused (tar baby stuck to me) It was just drama after drama after drama...and the only way to stop it..and stop the panic attacks was to just ignore him.
Oct 2 - 6AM (Reply to #93)
Alive
Alive's picture

OMG

you have just made me think of somthing!! :) i am damned if i give him all the time in the world to spend with his D and i am damned if i give him no time with her! It does not matter what i do, he will ABUSE... I think a thunderbolt has just gone through me...thanks
Oct 2 - 10AM (Reply to #94)
loveofmylife
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happynow

your welcome... I just felt like I couldn't win and it didn't matter what I did...there came a point in our relationship where he had just decided to abuse me.... and there was no fixing it.
Oct 2 - 11AM (Reply to #95)
better off
better off's picture

Dance!!

This is an important realization... their ultimate GOAL is to abuse people. So while you jump thru hoops to appease them, they are going to abuse you no matter what you do, and watching you jump thru the hoops is part of their entertainment. Like in movies, when the guy shoots his gun at someone's feet to make them "dance."
Oct 2 - 12PM (Reply to #96)
Lisa E. Scott
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Great point Betteroff!

They love to watch us squirm and dance. They get off on it.
Sep 30 - 7PM
almostlydia
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they have it down to a

they have it down to a science because they've been practicing it every day of their lives. You can explain until you're blue in the face and ten yrs older, and it will just flow right over them as they turn everything you say to their advantage using all their skills. We all want to take out rage out on the one responsible for it but I would say do it the one time, say everything you have to say and call it a day. This is how they had done it all of their lives and 'let me tell you how it's good enough for you'. That is why it has been said many many times here, there is no closure except for that to which you conclude on your own. almostlydia

almostlydia

Sep 30 - 3PM
janine
janine's picture

Copycats

As you mention they will repeat things they have heard from others. My ex went as far as to copy parts of letters I had written to friends and stored on his PC. What I mean is, he used my words in his "application"letters to get dates with the women that had placed ads in the local paper. Since he left those letters on the desk I used, I was welcome to read them. Ahhhh, the blessings of a so-called open relationship. Just too bloody bad that when he needs to rely on himself to chat up those ladies, he's a total failure. It's why they don't get very far. They do not know the meaning and essence of words. Actually I've been thinking of getting a parrot and teaching him, just in case I'd miss those conversations.
Oct 1 - 5PM (Reply to #88)
truthseeker
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Copycats

Janine Your post really resonated with me. My exN sent me an amazing poem when we first started seeing each other. I was so impressed with it and the fact that he journaled every day. I never received another one that compared. I now have no doubt that it was written by an ex and sent to him. I used to always say he was such a parrot, who never had an original thought. He constantly used my words, back at me and quoted movies constantly.
Sep 30 - 7PM (Reply to #87)
faithinthefuture
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LOVE

the parrot comment! Made me lmao!
Sep 30 - 1PM
sunflowergrl70
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It's like spitting in the wind.

Truly. Trying to explain anything to them is like spitting in the wind. Then they will take words you used and try to argue with you. With the Evil Genious he would say THE most insulting things. He knew what my achilles heel was and would poke at it until I wanted to scream. I'll give an example. I am independent. I have a career and I manage a home and my kids. I work two jobs during the summer. I value having my shit together. When I pressed him to work with me on setting a wedding date and moving forward he stated that "he wasn't going to be responsible for fixing my life by marrying right now". Total bullshit! Now fastforward to when I broke up with him. He wants to marry me and make my life stable and build a life. It's a total 180 from what he was saying when I was under his thumb. He's a complete jackass.
Sep 30 - 7PM (Reply to #85)
almostlydia
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Typical N behavior, this

Typical N behavior, this game didn't work gotta try another one, especially the one I know she wants. 'complete jackass' is right. almostlydia

almostlydia

Sep 30 - 1PM (Reply to #82)
helldweller
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sunflwrgrl

That's creepy. My mom always said, "You are throwing your words to the winds every time you talk to him." You sound like a great lady. I'm glad you're getting back on top
Oct 1 - 5PM (Reply to #83)
truthseeker
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helldweller

your post struck a chord as well. I always said it was like beating a dead horse. Pointless.
Oct 2 - 10AM (Reply to #84)
better off
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With a dead horse

I read this funny book called B For Bad Poetry and that was in there: Making sense of you Is like beating a dead horse... With a dead horse.
Sep 30 - 12PM
wholeagain
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Great thread

All the way around!
Sep 30 - 9AM
aceonelady
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White noise

Mine told me on the phone months after D&D that when i speak to him my words mean nothing is all white noise to him...he hears what i say but not the meaning or feelings...he says i dont hate you i just dont care....

Aceonelady

Sep 30 - 6PM (Reply to #79)
onwithmylife
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aceonelady

this is verrry strange, a therapist I went to once said I was simply a fly buzzing around this guy's head, no more no less, kinda the same as white noise wouldn't you say,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Sep 30 - 8AM
Meadowbrook
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message received....I think

Thanks for this. It's such a timely message for me! But let me play a little devil's advocate: It's really hard to comprehend this when we are dealing with high functioning people. I mean, how can someone who is able to hold down a good, high profile job not understand interpersonal communication on such a basic level? I'm not at all doubting what you are saying because I've encountered the crazy word salad. But I've also had conversations with this particular N about movies and historical events where we've discussed the interpersonal dynamics of the characters/individuals in depth. I remember talking a lot about that series "The Pacific" on HBO about WWII in general and discussing what was going on psychologically with the characters. How could he talk about it in such depth and not remotely understand what he was doing to me would cause harm. Now, if I recognize that he is so selfish that he just doesn't CARE that he is causing harm or that he is just so self-absorbed that he hasn't even thought about it that would make sense to me in light of Narcissism. But it's hard for me to accept that he would not remotely understand what he has done if explained to him. In my case, I played his game with a smile on my face most of the time so that I could get away from him by quitting my job. But I don't think I've had a chance to explain what he did to me. I think he is maybe mostly oblivious. His most recent message said, "I may not have been a good influence on your life". Wow, that's the understatement of the year! I'm so tempted to explain just how bad an influence!!! Very hard to resist.