He Abandoned Me, What does this mean?

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Jul 8 - 7AM (Reply to #31)
liselotte
liselotte's picture

that's it!!

what you have just written IS ME!!! Everything... wow... they really are of the same breed, every single one of them.. unbelievable...
Jul 7 - 9AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Im so sorry you feel this

Im so sorry you feel this way .I too am in the same boat . I seem to have a "runner" too . One minute they love you and the next they go cold usualy after you have pointed out how they have made you feel bad . Im in day 3 of no contact and lo and behold i get an email causaly asking me how i was and whats going on in his life and i think here lies the diffrence between a narcissist and a normal guy . A normal man will end things ,sad as it maybe, in a calm and considered fashionand then respect your space to grieve . A narcissist will come back time and time again to get his fix , to see if you are still "on the floor" . I said to myself that if he didnt respect my space as i have made it clear i needed then he is the Narcissist i suspect him to be . So this email is where he got RUMBBLED!. Its so hard to see the truth unravell infrount of you but in a way its good to know its not me its them .With just 3 short days away from him and reading on this site there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel . Hang in there . I always say to my girlfriends think back to other boyfriends that you have had , other heart breaks and really ask your self would you take them back now or do you wonder what you ever saw in them . I know i look back at past boyfriends and think "yuck" to most of them and they didnt have narcissism so god knows what i will think of this guy when i have gone through the tunnel and out of the other side and away from his sick spell , its just im not there yet . Jo UK (with broken spell check )
Jul 7 - 10AM (Reply to #13)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

perutoo

That is a very good way to put it. "We got a RUNNER here!" Mine was a runner too. Sounds like a convict...interesting! I got a damn call last night at 2:00 in the morning from loozer-face/runner man. Of course, I didn't answer. Yo, thanks for waking me up.
Jul 7 - 10AM (Reply to #14)
cherlynn (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Forrest Gump - I was Run..ning

Thank you ladies... See this may be silly to say, he hasnt even tried to contact me, I feel discarded in the worse way. He ended it and it is like he died...it seems that most N's come back for more (like your N's) I have been strong sticking to the "no contact," but I am actually speechless...that he hasnt tried ANYTHING, no type of contact whatsoever. Doesnt it in some small way make you feel a little better and empowered when you can CHOOSE not to answer a call from the N? I know that it would at least help some of these hopeless feelings, just thinking that I was at least a passing thought in his head. If he called i wouldnt answer, but I think, in a way it would give me some kind of feeling of power if I could just not answer a call for him or something. I feel so helpless. Does this make sense?
Jul 8 - 7AM (Reply to #27)
liselotte
liselotte's picture

Once he discarded me there

Once he discarded me there was no way he would have come back to me. This was it, and he knew it. They don't ruminate or think back at the good times. They have no doubts. You no longer function as a Narcissistic Supply, you're a pain in the ass, you bring them down, so they dispose of you. In fact, just after the break-up mine got on with his life as if nothing happened. He went on vacation, organised bbq's, ran two marathons and didn't even want to meet up with his collegues from the UK (who bought tickets to Amsterdam, our wedding location) on the day of our 'supposed marriage'. You're waiting to get back at him, to ignore him, to do the things he did to you, but he knows you're on to him, you've finally figured him out so he will definately NOT contact you just to upset you once again. Please keep in mind that he is a very sick, abusive, manipulative motherf***er and will never be able to love someone in the way normal people love eachother. There is no closure with a narcissist, just closure with yourself. You deserve better.
Jul 11 - 9PM (Reply to #28)
Jodie
Jodie's picture

liselotte

I couldn't have said it better myself...and mine did the SAME thing. After I let him have it and he knew I had his number he moved on unscathed as if he was never married to me. It was bewildering. He even went to Prague for a week to "relax." And when I was furious over this, he said, "Why can't you just be happy for me for once?" All about him! He will never conact me again. I believe this. I think he knows that it will NEVER work, he knows I think he is the devil. I hung up on him June 4th and haven't heard from him since. He's on to his new victim. I do sit and wait to get back at him or have some sense of closure..but I know that day is NEVER coming. Florida here I come.... "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jul 7 - 9PM (Reply to #25)
devoured_soul (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Cherylnn, how long has it

Cherylnn, how long has it been? Sometimes they wait months. I understand the empowered feeling to not answer a call, but I must add, I would rather be in your shoes than in mine. He calls and I don't answer. Then curiousity (or looking for some kind of human life), I answer only to be reduced to tears after 2 hours of torment...me trying to tell him how I feel and him not giving a shit about anything or anyone but himself. He will deny something that JUST happened, gaslighting me when I WAS THERE and know what happened! It's insane. Consider yourself lucky. I know the discarded feeling even tho he still tries to contact me. He discarded me by promising at the beginning to take care of me (financially...I had lost my job shortly after we met) and when he got me to trust that was what he really wanted to do, the "help" got less and less month after month til my house went into foreclosure. Meanwhile, I never changed what I did and how I cared for HIM. Yup, discarded. Like yesterday's newspaper. Oh, and did I mention he still payed his EX-Wife's mortgage even tho he was not obligated while MY house went into foreclosure??? Nice, eh? Yeah, she has a 375,000 house and I will be living in one of my siblings basements soon and have to likely give up my German Shephard. I hope he rots in Hell, and you know what? He will.
Jul 11 - 10PM (Reply to #26)
Marie
Marie's picture

Devoured_soul

I'm so sorry to hear about your house. Gaslighting is such a major technique with these creatures, they have it down to a science. They must spend hours thinking of things they can do to hurt others. If only they used that energy for good, it's hard for me to understand how anyone can torture and ruin someone else's life. Once I stopped answering my Ns calls he'd show up at the house with this attitude at times. Other times he would pretend concern that maybe something had happened to me and he would feel terrible that he didn't stop by to check on me. I have been N free for a little over two weeks now but saw his car today. His friend lives a few doors down from me but when he parks his car where he did today I know he's spying on me. I know it sounds paranoid but from experience it usually is the beginning of contact from him. I hate my N, I wish I never got involved with him because now I can't just live my life. I may lose my house too because I feel the only way I can be rid of him is by moving. I wish you the best in getting things in your life back on track. Hugs.
Jul 7 - 12PM (Reply to #17)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

I hear you sister . The

I hear you sister . The reason he contacted me wasnt that he is sorry for all that he has done and that he even misses me . no . the reason he contacted me was for me to engage in a conversation like this Him " how have you been im sorry i hurt you " me "i love you and miss you cant we work it out " him " im sorry Jo but i dont love you and i dont think i ever have " So he contacted me to dump me all over again . Hence getting a narcissist fix . I have wised up to his game now as it has happened 3 times already in a space of a year . yes he did come back twice, he promised happy ever after with babies and a house with a red door but then he ran . and he will run again and again because he is a narcissist . Maybe if its not too hard you could tell us what happened , how long you where together and what he did to you to suspect he wasnt all there . much love Jo
Jul 7 - 1PM (Reply to #23)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

wow

How terrible perutoo! It just goes to show how incredibly evil they are. Mine abandoned my three times, it took that last time for me to realize his WORD means ZILTCH. When I read about how narcs are contract breakers, I thought, bingo. That's sooo him. Forget the fact that we were engaged...hmm, wonder why he put the wedding off for a month, oh ya...maybe the air fares were cheaper then!!! I can joke about it now, but at the time, it felt like an amputation. It's incredible how similar the stories are.
Jul 11 - 10PM (Reply to #24)
Marie
Marie's picture

after the break up

After three months of no contact once he dumped me, he began courting me again. Stupidly I began to think either things would work out between us or at the least we could still be friends. When we got around to talking about the relationship, he said he could never love me the way he did before. His emails after that were just a mix of sexually suggestive photos and then nothing. Once again vanished, leaving me to wonder why I almost got sucked in again!!!! I went back to reading my journal and marked a new entry in bold so I can easily find it and remember what a bastard he truly is.
Jul 7 - 12PM (Reply to #18)
cherlynn (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thank You Jo

Thank you Jo, that must be really tough being rejected a few times, you are worth so much more than that!! and none of us ever deserve this. Every time, I read these blogs I am brought to tears about the pain all of us are going through to recover. To read more about my story, you can scroll down through the posts under "He Abandoned me" and read...posts from CherLynn and Bittersweet. I had two usernames because I couldnt figure out how to hide my email address when I posted, so i created a second username. Not the most technologically savvy. :-) Any advice would be helpful, as it is written all over my face day in and day out the trauma that this N has put me through. Anytime someone asks me what is wrong, i try to hold back those tears, sometimes I am able to, but at other times I am not.
Jul 7 - 1PM (Reply to #19)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Thinking back with my Ns

Thinking back with my Ns when i remember the times he said he wanted to leave and the times he did leave there was this coldness in him like he had turned to ice and his eyes where dead and i felt all the energy flow from me as he was saying it, like all my power had gone .incidently he use to threatened to leave when i had just stood up for myself, so in a way it was like he was stealing back any power i had just gained . so he used abandonment as his weapon of choise to keep me under his control , together with shameing and talking to me as if i was 10 years old and consently telling me i was wrong . ect ect .(he is such a wanker) When he got into this robotic state he was devoid of any emotions, even made up ones ! it was like talking to a brick wall . I have just come back from a festerval which i really wanted to go to as my dad had just paid for a really posh hotel in London for me and i go every year to this place (and damm it i wanted to go! ) but he was there which is why i couldnt do the no contact thing till i got home sunday . On the friday evening we had our first meeting since the break up a week before . i was sat on a bench and he plonked him self down and said with out me saying a word to him he said "sorry i broke your heart but i never loved you "and i felt that same energy leave me once again . so i guess what im trying to say is everytime you give then the oppertunity to dig the knife in they will . You may feel like picking up the phone to call him but just remember my friday evening on the bench and how i went back to my posh hotel and sobbed all night . Heres me with my best cockney accent saying to you "walk away girl , head up and walk away . ps . i will proberly need the same adivice in a week or two as i aint that strong !
Jul 7 - 1PM (Reply to #20)
cherlynn (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks Quietude and Perutoo

I just think overall any type of rejection is going to hurt....I asked my N, while I was begging him to take a leap of faith and give us one more try, if he still did love me...only a week before the answer was Yes, but this time there was a long hesitation on the phone...my heart sank, we hung up the phone (i couldnt stand hearing his cold tone of voice) then i proceeded to drink a whole bottle of wine and crumble to tears. Helpless, there was nothing i could do or say to get through to him. I wanted to call him so bad...and i knew it would only break my heart further. I asked him if he was ever going to call me again...he said well right now you are pushing me further and further away by keeping me on the phone...."I might call" there it is false hope, bottom line these evil N's dont want you to have any closure. They are heartless...like i mentioned in another blog post on this forum....someone who would treat someone this way...doesnt have human emotion, its of the DEVIL and I pray nightly that "everything he touches turns to nothingness until he meets God." I wish I could get through to him, but this is the only peace that I can find are in these ten words. The tears, I hope will eventually dry up and I am trying to move on...but his memories and all THE GOOD, is lingering in my head...I UNDERSTAND what happened, I just cant believe it! and cant believe there are people out there like this that prey on good people.
Jul 8 - 5AM (Reply to #22)
jenn99 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

...

my n has left tons of times, then come back. threatened, this that breaking up, restraining orders, this is the last time we'll be with each other, im done and im moving on, do not contact me again, if you contact me again im going to the police, called my family to tell them to tell me not to contact him, told my mother he was going to sue them if i contacted him...all in the same breath he called me, right away and began expressing the complete opposite. In some cases, periods of silence or no contact, to play the game...days of no contact, weeks...will call slowly back, will call one day, then not the next, will call one day, to tease you..slowly condition you into them calling you again..will gloat at how you suffered because you didn't talk to them this long... will say 'goodbye' at his place everything is fine but suddenly is ignoring and playing the silent game, for no reason confusing you...at first the games were traumatizing, but slowly become predictable...but sometimes still you think "will they contact again...are they for real this time" but those times are rare...but they still keep playing the game...you try to play the card by saying you're breaking up...and want an official break up, but that just thwarts their game and they know you're not serious... theyre in control and...they have you running to them or confused...or frustrated...sometimes they do leave things or things you cant believe they'd do will happen and it i generally very abrupt and sudden...that's how they make decisions, abrupt sudden unpredicable and surprising...that's how all decisions are made...
Jul 8 - 3AM (Reply to #21)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

This is a situation which

This is a situation which keep replaying in my mind . it was early morning and we where staying with friends in Brighton . I came out of the bathroom and he was standing at the window laughing .I looked down on the street and there was this man who was clearly in distress , proberly drugs but non the less he was stumberling in the road crying . My first reaction was to go to this chap to see if he was ok .As he was dressed i said arnt you going to do something ? (my ns thinks he is a pillor of the comunity involved in many diffrent causes) he didnt go and help he just watched and laughed . Right there is the diffrence between he and i . I am trying to replace the thoughts of the good times with the truely disturbing . I feel like one of those people who have to be kidnapped from a cult by their familys and have to be put through a program of reprograming . In reality if you where to give my Ns a score out of 10 for life he would be a 4 . below average . No money ,no ambition no Brad Pitt , few close friends . but some where in my head he has become a 10 . how did that happen ? Jox
Jul 7 - 10AM (Reply to #15)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cherlynn

I'm so sorry. I know what you mean...there is a 'bit' of help to my ego to know he still wants me. But it's really just a shallow feeling. If you think and dig deeper, it's not a good thing. I think that he must have had some kind of other option, why he so easily abandoned me, and maybe that other option did not work out so it's back to me. So I'm sloppy-supply seconds?? Maybe, it's all speculation...still no closure regardless. Who knows, who cares, I'm done with trying to figure him out. On the other hand, I've wished that he'd just find someone else and go away. Him continuing to contact me gives me the willies...and errie feeling of the past being tossed in my face at every attempt. The fact that he doesn't get any of it, and he thinks that all we need to do is talk, and magically things will work themselves out. In his mind, our issues aren't THAT BAD. heh..sure. His words are empty. It's like an actor recited tired lines...it doesn't mean anything. So I think there are pro's and con's to both, if you even want to call it that. Either way, it hurts like hell, and it's a daily process for recovery. Keep coming here...talk to people who really love you and care about you. It's a process...one baby step at a time. Hugs!
Jul 7 - 6PM (Reply to #16)
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

oh yeah....

Hi Ladies, I'm baaaack..... :-) I hear you all and have had the same experiences. And it can be very confusing. I think those of us who experience the abandonment are actually the "lucky" ones. Who wants or needs a stalker? All the more difficult and dangerous. Mine left me like a piece of rotten meat he couldn't stand to see or smell. Only because he had another piece of fresher meat on the grill.... Yes, it hurt like HELL. I would have given anything at the time to have him come back, apologize, etc. In the ensuing 2 years of separation and divorce processes I have come to have a look at his true nature like nothing else could have provided. I think it was Mae West who said "You only truly know a man when you divorce him." Whoever said that was right on. You see it play out in a surreal fashion and are constantly waking up saying to yourself "Is this real?" "Am I dreaming or imagining this?" How can this POSSIBLY BE REAL? Then, as the nightmare continues you realize, yes, it is real. Yes, this person you loved and trusted is doing everything possible to devalue, debase and yes, **** you in whatever way possible. Especially in divorce. Sorry to be so negative. Obviously my own experience is influencing my responses. I'll tell you though, never in a MILLION years would I have predicted this or seen it coming. NEVER> Then....it's all too real. My best guess in my own personal situation is there's another ready and eager source of NS. Waiting in the wings and more than happy to take on the role. Had a fantasy today which I hope helps some of you laugh. Went to a favorite restaurant of "ours" for lunch with a female friend. Imagined him there with another woman and decided what I wanted to say is "Hello, darling (to the female). "I know the odds may look good, but believe me, the goods are odd". CM
Jul 5 - 4AM
liselotte
liselotte's picture

core defense mechanism of a personality disordered

If we have a good sense of right and wrong, the narcissist will sense his time of manipulation and being able to confuse and lie to us is about to expire. He will devalue and discard us first. We likely won’t even know what hit us. We’ll be running around trying to get things back on track. The outcome of this will be OUR learning about the very deeply-ingrained core defense mechanisms of the personality disordered. Not only will we be deeply hurt by his inexplicable hurtful rejection, done in the cruelest way, but we will also fail in any attempts to fix him. The silver lining to this is that the N sensed our strengths, our ability to draw that line in the sand. So he left. That’s what they do. You are to be congratulated if this happened to you. It takes most people years to figure this out. They say the dog who barks last wins. The N will want to be the last dog who barks. Let him. This is where it should end. Resist any thoughts of responding to the N. We do not need to defend ourselves against some lie from a mentally-disordered person. Refusing to do so is our strong suit. Letting him have his last bark may even give us some proof of his craziness. Use that to your advantage. Our Ns can come up with some pretty creative ways to get us to pay attention to him. It may take hours, days, months or even years for this to happen. Don’t be surprised if he waltzes back acting like nothing ever happened. (!!!) Don’t get involved with him. Crazy People Make You Crazy. Your N is amused by your emotions. Put yourself at the eyeglass end of a microscope. You are watching a fly. It buzzes around frantically. Your N knows what it takes to get you to buzz around frantically too. He will play with your emotions for his amusement. You have a much wider range of emotions than a fly and the narcissist knows what he has to do to make you look crazy, buzz around frantically, cry, yell, argue, or any other human emotional reaction he can get out of you. If he’s really lucky he can make you look crazier than he is. Ns like doing this. They like emotional targets. They find it amusing. How do narcissists experience love? The best descriptor of narcissists’ love style is game playing. We have found this over and over in our research. Narcissists are “players” in their romantic relationships. They get kick out of keeping their partner uncertain about their level of commitment. One day it is “I love you,” the next it is a total brush off. Narcissists have another advantage when it comes to deception and manipulation: they often believe their own story (!!!). Narcissists think that game playing IS love. They feel excited and cocky and act in a cool, charming way and think; "Wow, this is a really good relationship full of true feelings". He could say he loved her, and not really be lying. However, because there is no actual caring or compassion, it is easy for a narcissist to hurt his partner again and again, even though he supposedly has “deep” feelings for her.
Jul 6 - 10AM (Reply to #11)
cherlynn (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I feel like a reject

My emotions have been a rollercoaster, I have been reading about N's trying to get in touch with their supply throughout this forum, and I am one of the rare instances that this is not the case. It tough, he made me feel so worthless on the last few calls, not wanting to talk, being cold, emotionless, evil, he didnt want to be intimate...nothing I said had any effect on him. On this forum, I have been finding that the opposite is mostly true with N's that they come back, they want to be intimate...and so on. I can i recover from this rejected feeling, he said he was moving on and i should move on (a normal person wouldnt act this way) the mere thought of him with another is killing me and the fact that he couldnt care less about what I am doing and who I am talking to makes me feel so rejected in so many ways. He didnt even want to have a last 'moment' together what guy turns that down? He said it wouldnt change anything and he would never want me back or call me and he was going to move on...I asked him to call me later and he said No in the harshes way possible, all he could think about was having dinner and that i kept him on the phone for two hours. This guy used to be the sweetest, most thoughtful, most considerate, sincere person I have ever met!! We used to have our own nicknames for each other and he really brought the creativity out in me and made me feel like no other. Today, I am just having that overwhelming rejected feeling, I want to contact him so bad, but I know he will hurt me worse (its been two weeks) I thought about showing up at his place (again, I know its not the way to go with the N's) I keep having thesse thoughts and they wont go away, knowing that I will never see him or hear from him again tears me apart, I miss his face everyday and every night. lately, he has been haunting my dreams..
Jul 5 - 6PM (Reply to #10)
jenn99 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

so true

this is so true...it's the way they function...one minute it's i love you so much the next it is devaluing discarding lying ditching game playing...it never ends and that's the cycle of the relationship...even if you know that after this sometimes even extremely bad valuing phase, then rock bottom will come to being discarded, there is little you can do to change the situation or do much about it-- it will happen and it will come...and with the N come times of extreme infidelity, cheating, lying, betrayal, in the midst of what seemed to be a seemingly 'ok' relationship or rendezvous...but that never lasts...with it are all the games...the mind games, the ridiculous N games...so that you are thrown off guard...along with the devaluing and discarding, which it the game in itself, a new game appears along with it...to further shock and traumatize you...even if you think you can kepe up with it...really you can't because it is ongoing and non-stop...and the moment the N especially feels there is any sort of normalcy or closeness going on, they make sure to destroy and extinguish that so that there is chaos confusion, instability and unpredictability because they seem to be comfortable with that and thrive on that...they fear that normalcy will lead to boredom will lead to the person abandoning them because they are getting what they want or too in control...the N's victim can't be in control or have any control or anything...except be underneath the N as a pawn who the N is using as a puppet...they will try to get any reaction or emotion they can out of you...they want the dramatic torturous situations and create them because they find that exciting and full of life...and normal things are boring and dull...they will do anything to create this chaos drama and excitement....they laugh as they threaten to break up or break up with you while you are expressing your love for them or wanting to be with them... they are sadistic like that...as long as they can beat you to the ground, that's what they like to do...manipulate traumatize and subdue you more...so they can have more control over you
Jul 5 - 12PM (Reply to #8)
Bittersweet
Bittersweet's picture

My Last Crazy Moments

Thank you everyone for your input. I am challenged everyday, constantly thinking about him, missing him, wanting him, its like he died on me when he left and I know ultimately I would never want somebody in my life that can't communicate about issues. The last time I saw my N, we were having fun with family, he told me that he felt that we were getting the old 'us' back. We were fighting constantly in our last days together and it was mostly me, irritated with him. I just think he knew how to push my buttons. He travels 100% of the time and I told him I wanted to break it off, because that is really the only way I could gather my thoughts (cause he was always around) about our relationship..wrote him this 9 page letter about how I think we could make it work, but the requirements were this...counseling, and reverting back to "getting to know each other again" without the confusion/distractions of intimacy, essentially "i want you to court me again." Three days went by without talking and he wrote me an email saying he was thinking about things in my letter, but the tone of the emails were just not the typical heartfelt emails that I was used to recieving....that drove me crazy...I was feeling extremely unloved. And just knew something was different in my heart. The next time we spoke it was a yelling contest, it started out as calm conversation and all he could do was talk about the negative in my past..he wouldnt hear anything i was saying (there was so much positive in my letter, and that is what I wanted to focus on)..he just couldnt let it go, he said he was getting to the positive, but we never did. So frustrated I yelled at him and hung the phone up. Then I called back fifteen minutes later and he didnt answer all night (yes crazy girl called like 40 times) This was the first time he has ever missed my calls, he said his phone was on vibrate and he didnt hear it. The upcoming weekend, was the first weekend he was too tired to see me and I threatened to come to his house so we could talk it out, I told him i just wanted to be close to him...and he rejected everything i was saying, there was no getting through to him. Saturday, he was thinking about things all day with us and promised to call me, he never called. I left him several sweet messages throughout the day, and then one of the times his phone accidentally picked up (does anybody think this was an accident?) and he was at a bar with work buddies....what? he never hung out with or told me of any work buddies and he never hangs out at the bar!!...so again I went into hyper crazy phase and started to drive to his house....I didnt go, because he threatened to call the police...all i wanted to do was talk and again be close to him. Our last call, left me feeling like the worse human being on the planet not worthy of love...he always said if he left this relationship I would never see or hear from him again. I believe it, so far, its been two weeks and silence. He confirmed in our last conversation that I was different from other women he dated. Our last conversation, i questioned him about that comment saying, if I am so different "why arent you talking to me and taking a leap of faith and giving us one more try." He always said he would never talk to me again if we broke up and that thought was scary for me. He didnt want to make love to me...turned it down, saying that wont change anything, I am moving on. All very hurtful words..I am screaming inside many days looking to friends and family and God to help me through this. He also said i needed to stop calling him because he needed his space to calm down, but yet he is moving on..I feel those two statements contradict each other and gives me false hope. He told me to move on as well, like it doesnt matter if I am with someone else to him. Ouch. I will never take him back, not having closure kills me however, a beautiful thing ended up a crumbling mess. And I am still beating myself up on a daily basis.
Jul 7 - 3AM (Reply to #9)
jenn99 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

...

...
Jul 5 - 3AM
jenn99 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

with an N

it could be one of several things...its a game he's playing to mess with you, condition you, break you down, scare you, or test you, or he's moving on... with an N depending on the n most likely is a game...they threaten break ups 24/7...threaten abandonment, to keep you on edge, to keep you fearful and wanting them and scared...and in a corner..so that way they can come back and terrorize you some more...subdue and control you...some may be serious, but it depends on what they're like whether they've done it b4 etc...with an N u never know what their words mean, because really they don't mean anything except are a way to make you react or control you
Jul 8 - 4AM (Reply to #6)
jenn99 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

when they leave...

...as so many state an N just abruptly leaves after expressing vows of love or being in the valuing phase, for some irrational reason, no reason at all or minor indiscretion or just because, it's that time to begin abusing or devaluing...some are playing the game of tryign to get you to 'miss them more' by going through extreme periods of no contact, fear of abandonment, to avoid it, or to throw you back into the helpless zone of confusion and them regaining control of a situation they fear they're losnig control of....others do so because they have found someone else or something better, generally just temporarily though because they're either using that person or that person can't tolerate them, and when that situation is done with, then they come running back to you or their other victims...soemtiems it can all be accomplished at once...they leave to get you to want/need/miss them, make sure they've abandoned you youre helplses confused on their leash, so they can commit their infidelities, cheat, do whatever, and once they're done, well who's goign to be waiting for 'them' all distraught confused in lvoe missing and wanting them....well you are of course..not them....they just had a fling without you having any proof or knowing while waiting for them like a loyal puppy frightened, shattered...so they can come rescue you from their own sick acts or infidelity... and they can of course pin the blame on you call you crazy or names, gaslight you etc...deny any wrongdoing call you unstable etc...and pretend nothing happened...most of the time they do want to make sure their targets are under control and there for them if need be...so their blows come all at once..generally shattering tormenting confusing...sudden shocking...so they can do what they want and leave you waiting for them to come back...and with an N there really isn't a relationship...that's why they jsut come back...after everything and on top of that they can get away with just about anything....sometimes they do all that just to abuse/torment you leave you in chaos so they can break you down more or control you...or make you feel helpless or powerless....and sometimes they're just testing to see how you react to their abandonment whether you'll be faithful loyal or just go off and do your own thing...or even having fun witnessing you suffer in confusion and getting off on your reactions or being upset by it all...
Jul 4 - 4PM
Suzie (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

here too

Mine is doing that to me too. He bought himself a new computer and he chats with women online. He says"with most of the women I talk to it's not evan sexual, so what's your problem?" He shaves everyday now, he never used to, he is losing weight. He bought himself a truck. He says he doesn't care what I am doing or if I am with anyone. Of course he knows I am not. He is really flying high right now. He believes he left the relationship. He has the house, for now. and he hasn't been ordered childsupport yet. That should happen some time next week. The point is, he has abandoned me completly. He started trolling on myspace 5 days after I left. He is cold as a fish. But I remember that onley 6 weeks ago he was following me through the house not letting me be alone in a room by myself, not letting me talk on the phone. Stocking me, then calling me over and over on the phone. He thinks I am a loser right now with nothing to offer him. He wants someone who isn't broken to latch onto. But I know that as soon as I become"desirable" again he will want back in. Unfortunatly for him I have done this before and I've got his number now. Your N will eventually want you back. I am using this time of abandonment to educate myself and work on my self esteem. So that if and when he decides he wants me I will be prepared to show him the hand. I am working on being done with that stupid, abusive, controlling, cheating, abandoning, coldhearted, narcissistic pig. Right now he is treating you like you are worthless. Don't agree with him. He is wrong about you. You are worthy of real love. He was lucky to have you, he is an idiot to mess it up. I went back to mine after being gone for 9 months. It was a huge mistake and he got much worse. The hurt and sadness and rejection will subside in time if you work on building your self esteem. Don't talk to him. He is a toxic force in the world.I am in the same situation I know it is hard, very hard. Love you not him. He is a stranger. You don't really evan know who he is. Find out who you are. You are worth more than what that N says you are.
Jul 1 - 5PM
Debra (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

No reason given

It has been my experience that the devalue & discard go exactly the way you have said. In my own case, it usually followed a period when I was starting to feel secure in the relationship. I had a long distance relationship with mine. (lucky for me!) We had not seen each other in about 8 months, most of them NC. He wormed his way back into my life (maybe things weren't working out for him in his "new life", one day he decided to fly into town and we had what I thought was one of our best weeks ever. We said good bye at the airport, and then the next thing I knew he made a complete 360.. I called him when he landed and his voice and everything about him sounded different. Completely cold and devoid of emotion. No reason given. When I asked him "why" he told me "he needed to put me back on the shelf"... how about that? Like turning a light switch on and off.. We have been back and forth like this for years. Each time he does the D&D it hurts less. I have reached a point where I do not think much about him anymore, since "HE" never existed. I spend a lot more time, however, thinking about what he did to me. I feel violated and angry. That's the part I can't seem to let go of. Do yourself a favor and let go of him if you can. If this is the first time he has done the D&D, it will not be the last. If you go back to him after this you are sending him a message that what he did was OK, and he will do it again. My very best wishes to you. I feel your pain. You will need to get very, very angry before you can let go.
Jul 1 - 4PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cherylnn

You don't think so right now, but it means you're lucky (as my therapist has said!) He's gone, good. I think of it as, well...at least I didn't have to break up from him (and could I have even done that?? dunno...) Mine abandoned me a few times, after the last time I was done. Ya, he called, emailed bugged me, still tries to occasionally. I ignore it. To not means you're putting yourself in harm's way for just more of the same. It really sucks...I get what you're going through & very sorry about it.
Jul 1 - 4PM
Marie
Marie's picture

Cherlynn

Oh Cherlynn I feel for you. I remember when this happened to me. It was so devastating. A whole month went by it was like he never existed. It's a cruel thing they do. Shower with attention, sweep you off your feet then nothing. If you've read any of my other posts one says how it was my birthday and I was out in my front yard. He drove passed several times without stopping or waving nothing. He new it was my birthday it was done to be hurtful. I ran into him face to face at a Starbucks he wouldn't even look me in the eye, he just excused himself to the men's room. From your post it sounds like you are hopeful he calls? It was 3 months before mine called me. He acted as if nothing happened. As if things could just go back to the way they were. Is that what you want, so he can do this to you again? When mine came back he was the sweet loving man I fell for but no sooner turned ice cold again. It's hard to understand what you are looking for. Closure? I don't know if there is ever closure with an N. Either your N is threatening to move on or maybe has another victim he'd like to try out; that's the way they work. My advice for you is to move on. You will waste your time with all the whys. You deserve to find a normal guy who'll love you and not use you for there twisted self worth.Mine has gone from this sweet guy who pretended that I was the greatest thing that ever happened to him to ignoring, avoiding me whenever possible. Or calling me raging. Or when I've talked to him will say nasty things to me in a passive aggressive way. If I call him on it he'll twist it around saying I misunderstood and I shouldn't have low self esteem. They are twisted and all they do is twist everything to make it work for them. I'm sorry you are hurting all I can say is take one day at a time and be good to yourself, life is too short. Hugs Marie