He Abandoned Me, What does this mean?

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#1 Jul 1 - 1PM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

He Abandoned Me, What does this mean?

He abandoned me, what does that mean? Is he going to call again?

I am feeling rejected and i know this sounds immature, but I feel like he won in some way. Saying he would never call me again and he is moving on. But yet, i have been reading posts that N's try to push the issue and continually try to get back in your life. Is this what i have to look forward to?

He just stopped all emotion one day, and was cold as ice, how do i interpret this?

Jun 8 - 4PM
betty2020's picture

I don't think i have to

I don't think i have to worry. I exposed the rotten SOB to his boss for all that he really is. I told the police everything about the creep. He knows i exposed him and he knows i will do it again if provoked. For me it is the only way. I am past the point of no return. Its recovery or death. His overtly controlling nature makes him far to dangerous for me to have even one conversation with. I have to keep him in fear of exposure or i am sure to be victimized again. He must stay away. If this nut came back now he is a gluten for punishment because i will never stop telling the truth about what he is. I have made it my mission to inflict injury upon him with every bit of force i have to protect myself. I am not laying down ever again. I think he believes me now. I may actually be more dangerous to him at this point. He cant handle the truth. Hes running scared. Run little coward...RUN! winning or loosing isn't really relevant in my book. Its how your playing. I got my game on now! Eyes wide open.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Jun 8 - 1PM
Scoop's picture

They do come back like a bad

They do come back like a bad smell on the landing . At the weekend I was at an event and low and behold wank face narc was there , I ignored but he did two things first he talked to me when I was in a group of people because he knew I would have to answer as I would strange if I didn't , I did yes no answets till my friend stepped in to change the subject . He then after the group broke up came straight over to me and said "you know scoop I will refit your boat for you " (this was the plan before the 6th d and d ) I crossed my arms got up and said nothing , I went home . How could he think I would trust the freak to do anything for me . Today he invited me to a film showing . He has been trying to hover me back all months just under the radar , so they do try and come back mine has 6 bleeding times ! Its laughable really . The only closure you get is when you close the door . ..scoop x
Jun 8 - 9PM (Reply to #58)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Scoop is right!

The only closure you get is when you close the door! Do not give in to him. Do not react to him. Getting a reaction out of you is like a drug to him. He gets off on it and he needs it in order to feel alive. It gives him a thrill. Without it, he feels dead inside. This is why he will come back simply to insult you or demean you. If he knows he can't get a positive reaction from you, he's going to try to elicit a negative reaction. All he needs is a reaction from you to get his fix - good or bad, he doesn't care - as long as he gets a reaction from you. He likes to know he still has some kind of hold or effect on you. Do NOT give him this satisfaction. Please Do NOT feed his addiction. Starve the Vampire, ladies. Let him get his fix somewhere else. The only way to deal with a narcissist is to go "No Contact" and refuse to react to him.
Jun 8 - 12PM
rainbow1's picture

same thing happened to me

Mine abadoned me and went cold one day as well. I had no idea what to do or what to think. He tells me that he doesnt want me in his life and that he is moving on and I should too. However, everyone hear says that they will be back. They are just hiding right now. They are waiting for you to forget what you exposed them with or what you learned about them. Once you have finally moved on with your life and you do not think about him every second of the day is when he will be back. Watch out

"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Jun 8 - 1PM (Reply to #56)
hitandrun's picture


Mine pulled a Houdini before we were to get married and I have not heard from him in 2 months. He acted like Prince Charming until the very end when he turned into a toad...what a jerk!
Jun 8 - 1PM (Reply to #55)
ewa's picture

The show up even before

From my experience they show up even before you managed to move on with your life. I just felt a bit better and he was back. After a week he was back again. I just wished he could leave me alone. But i know he will be back.
Jun 8 - 1PM (Reply to #54)
ewa's picture

dobuled post

doubled post sorry
Feb 28 - 1PM
seancunningham's picture

My Birthday

My birthday was the trigger for me ending the ordeal. N was pissed because the attention was on me. The D&D started the night before. I knew I was in for a long haul. He cooked me dinner on my b-day, and all but threw the food at me. He looked like a Stepford Wife preparing the dinner. I tried engaging him in chit chat. His conversation, if you can call it that, was disjointed and scattered. I was given the silent treatment during the meal. And then he told me I was smothering him. The whole ordeal was uncomfortable and embarrassing for me. I should have left, but I stayed for the duration. He then disappeared the next night and most of the day after that. I ended it. I'm better off. These people are whacked.
Mar 1 - 12AM (Reply to #51)
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

"Whacked" ... LOL

LOL. I just had to laugh at that. You know it is the simplest and truest description. Quick question - what does "D & D" stand for?
Mar 1 - 12AM (Reply to #52)
Kelly's picture

Devalue - Discard

So technical, but that's how the narcs see us. It's unemotional. Objects. They Overvalue us in the idealization phase (makes us feel great and sucks us in,) then, they start saying things that make you feel like you are walking on eggshells, when, without warning, Wham! He rages at you and everything he claimed to like or love about you is the opposite! You mean nothing to him. Yesterday's news and you're left wondering "what just happened?" There is no in between with these guys. No gray. You are either playing your part perfectly as he has scripted your role in his head, or, you are not playing your part and he's got someone else he thinks would suit the role a little better. He is sick sick sick! Emotionally handicapped. He stopped developing emotionally at age 5. It's shocking! I was in a major depression for a couple of months, but I'm happy to say that I have been much much better and I am improving every day! You will too! What you are feeling is normal.
Jul 21 - 1AM
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Marie & Barbara

I was literally just having a panic attack - missing him and wanting him and because it is so lonely and I am at the start of recovering from the shock of the abrupt way he left I wanted to come on here and say that I want him back because anything would be better than the pain of this lonliness and emptiness. I just wanted him back and to take his sordid deal because it would be better then being alone. Then I saw Marie's post to me and I feel so much better! And Barabar's post about "free sex nothing more" and now the panic is passing. THis is such a great forum everyone! I can't believe that guy Marie! So he just starting chasing you and being all wonderful again simply to reel you back in and hurt you? THis has come as a warning to me - I gave my N so many chances and would think "just one more time and he will be nicer" and it never happened so of course it won't happen now> he will just use me for sex and discard me again. I'm so sorry that happened to you but at least you had the wisom to look back over your journal and remind yourself that he is well..a lying pig! I have to believe that a guy like that will get his one day he can't possibly be human. Why do that to you? I'm sure you did nothing but love and give in that relationship. I can't believe how awful he is. Thanks so much you just helped reduce my panic and reminded me of why I don't want to be with him. You guys are right...some other woman can have him and his sleazy ways, his lying self, his mood swings, his ability to make you feel like dirt, his cheating habits, he is a pig. I don't want it and I don't want him!
Jul 21 - 7AM (Reply to #49)
Marie's picture

I understand

Cupcake I understand those attacks of wanting him back. When my N was nice the relationship was just wonderful but when he decided to dismiss me from his life it was so painful. I was discarded coldly because I found out about the other woman. I wasn't even looking to break up with him as stupid as that sounds now but he just didn't want to be with me any longer. I don't know why and will never understand last March why he started to reel me back in. Even still there have been times when I've gone back to the beginning and remembered what it was like. I've had those moments like you and I begin to think maybe had I behaved different, maybe I became too much of a nag. But if you talk about marriage with someone and then find they are spending time with other woman; don't you have a right to know? So I'm not judging you in any way about your desire at times to want him back. You do have a memory of happier times and it's hard to understand that it was a lie. You begin to blame yourself that it didn't work. And you can't and shouldn't. There was a reason you became unhappy, for accusing him or arguing with him. There is a section at the end of the journal where I've listed exactly why I broke contact with him last August. My breaking contact then was the beginning of the end because he went cold on me after that. I often think back that when he tried to hold the relationship together had I not done some of the hurtful things I did we would still be together. Then I had to remind myself why I did those things. It was to save myself from the pain he was causing me by lying, cheating, using me and then discarding me at times when he grew bored. As wonderful as he could be it was becoming more obvious that I was just a sex toy for him. There have been times along the way this past year that I've thought of trying to get him back. I always go back through my journal and remember all the pain he caused me. It would still be going on had I not decided to finally get off the ride. I'm lying at times when I say I don't miss him but I will never go back. Be well!
Jul 21 - 1AM
Marie's picture


Cupcake, I just had to write you also. I'm so sorry you are going through so much pain. I remember how I was a year ago and the pain my N caused me. I lost so much sleep night after night, constantly checking phone and email. Leaving myself signed in hoping he'd contact me. After 3 years of daily contact to 3 months of nothing. It was the most hurtful of all experiences in my life. A year later I can still feel that pain, I don't think it will ever go away. Whenever I see him sometimes the ideas start anew but mostly I'm reminded that whatever I had with him will never be again. It comes back that all he did was use me, that all his "I love yous" were lies that he now tells another. About 4 months ago he started trying to court me again. Stupidly I began thinking maybe he realized that he made a mistake in letting me go. I'm sure most of you can guess what happened. At first he was once more the charming man I fell for, it was so easy to fall back again to him. I wondered about the other woman and what happened with her only to find she wasn't really out of his life. Then the broken promises began, little remarks that were cutting to finally another disappearance and avoidance. Whenever or if ever I've thought of calling, emailing or having any kind of contact I reread my journal entry of April 17. It reminds me of what a heartless, lying pig he is and how he'll go back to hurting me the same way over and over again if I let him. He once again went back to ignoring me if we passed one another, not even a glance in my direction, this from a man who just a month ago began once again to tell me I was the only woman he ever loved. Funny his daily calls went to biweekly then once a week to nothing. No more email, no more calls, no more courting to giving me a number to reach him in case of emergency but then never answered. Does that sound like a man in love? No it's a bunch of bs to reel you back in so you can be stomped on. It's all lies and the way these guys treat you they treat another woman the same don't believe any different. Why talk yourself into going back to be in pain again? Please speak with a therapist and try to find out why you want to be involved in an abusive relationship. If this man turned to ice on you once, he'll do it again no matter what he promises. Let him win and move on to someone else to hurt you deserve better.
Jul 16 - 11PM
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


Hey guys, I just read all of your stories and it felt like each and everyone one of them had many parts which competely relate to my situation. I'm so sorry there are other people in the world that have been hurt, used, discarded and push and pulled by these bad people. It hikn you are realyl brave to come on this site and be so honest and share feelings and stories. For me it is really helping. I'm so shocked though - some of you are married, have kids etc I can't imagine what going through all of this must be like. My N has discarded me since I confronted him about his girlfriend and like some of you said has just dropped off the planet like he has disappeared. I know it hurts and like you are syaing one minute he is so passionate and loving and then so cold...and gone. Most of you are syaing that they will come back to get some sort of rise out of you...whether ngative or positive. Is this relaly true? Why would they do that? For entertainment or can they not help themselves? My N is a little different - he has always had long term girlfriends and 'mistresses' on the side. He has a lot of difficulty letting go of those girlfriends and cries and is broken when they leave him...but all 3 girls have kept going back to him in the past even when they find out he is cheating. He has so much power. He didn't leave his girlfriend for me though I guess I'm not better 'meat on the grill'. I need to know they aren't going to work out I feel so rejected to be rejected as just the mistress and I don't know why. I'm better and smarter than this. Do you guys think he will try and contact me again? Even though he is a little exposed with what he has done?
Jul 17 - 12AM (Reply to #44)
Marie's picture


I so relate to the way you are feeling right now. I'm sorry you are hurt and confused. Next month it will be a year since I was thrown away like a piece of trash. Honestly I wanted to die and it felt like I did. The only thing that kept me going was my daughter, I couldn't let myself just fall to pieces; my mom was like that and I try to be the opposite. I have to ask you since your situation is similar to mine. Why do you want to stay with someone who has caused you such pain and is involved with others? I remember how I cried for days when I found out he was trying to reconnect with the woman he dumped before me. To realize he never loved me, it was devastating. Then when I found out there were others that was it! He is just using you like he is using them, he is a pig I'm sorry if you might find that offensive. None of you are winning anything by staying with this person. Eventually he will find others and you will all be replaced, maybe he'll come back down the road but I ask again why would you want him? The rejection you feel now you will feel over and over again, do you want to be subject to that? As much as you love him, you might not believe it but get your life in order and move on. As to why these guys come back it's all a sick game to them. They come back for attention because their latest victim dumped their a$$, to torture you some more because they are evil or see if they can win you back so they can dump you again. It's not because they realize how much they love you, they don't know the meaning of the word. If this guy should try and contact you again I would say no deal. Don't answer and don't contact him either. I know you want things back the way they were; I wanted that too for awhile. Once the pattern starts it only continues into a vicious rollercoaster, don't get on it. Hugs
Jul 17 - 12AM (Reply to #45)
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

For Marie

Hi Marie! I'm sorry to hear you have gone through something simlar and I am guessing even more pain. I'm so happy you have a beautiful daughter you can concentrate on - someone that will definietly love you back! I think I need to think about some of these questions...why do I want him back?! I guess firstly I miss him and did love him so much and hoped and hoped he would want me for his girlfriend and stayed in there thinking we would grow closer and eventually he would love me enough to value me. But now I am at the very beginning of understanding that is never going to happen. I need to say goodbye somehow, get some sort of closure. He just totally disppeared it's not like before when he would give me the silent treatment for 2 weeks then come back strong. He has relaly gone this time. i told him I knew about his girlfriend, he denied it course but the next day removed me as a FB friend and dropped all contact so I knew for sure it was true. He lied to me! After everything we shared together he just left so quickly and abrubtly like I meant nothing to him. It helps to know hear everyone say no contact is wise...I guess with more time this will sink in. I need to be in a place where if he does come back (and I hope he does) that I am strong enough to say so I get the last word. I just feel humiliated, used for sex, cheated on, used for his entertainment only - from someone you realyl loved that so hurts! Thanks for listening and sharing!!
Jul 17 - 1AM (Reply to #46)
Marie's picture


Reading this made me teary eyed, it brought back that pain all over. Mine did the same thing to me. We started off as friends after a year I began seeing him and after that he began treating me like crap. He would disappear as well, never answering the phone or email then would come back and act as if all was well. It got old very fast but I couldn't let him go, not until I found there were others he was courting. Once the crap hit the fan he blocked me out of his life. I remember signing on everyday hoping to catch him online; nothing. Then I used a different name he didn't know and caught him signing on within a few minutes of me signing off. That made it plain as day. He also had a FB account that he never told me about. I discovered him on their when my cousin sent me an invite to join. There he was and there were all his ladies, especially "HER". So I joined FB. Not long after that he told me about his account, I'm sure because he saw I was on there so I wouldn't think he was hiding anything. I didn't mention I had signed up. When it was brought up again at another time, I let him know I did have an account; the next day his profile was gone. So much for him saying he wanted to remain friends. He's a liar they all are. Cold hearted evil creatures. He continued sending emails for a bit and calling but all that has stopped now. I figured out he has another name that I'm not privy to and now no longer care. He has gotten rid of his cell phone, so he says. With each thing he has done I realized he was totally cutting me out of his life. It was painful but after awhile I just felt whatever, I wanted to be left alone. Like you it's obvious he just used me for sex. He promised so much and I loved him completely but as promises were broken all my dreams died. I felt so empty, so stupid. I hated him, myself and everyone. I actually deleted the majority of people I knew off my buddy list and address book, only keeping those that are proven trusted friends. Humiliated, ashamed? Yes! The whole thing was a lie, it was hard to swallow that I had spent so much time, been so intimate and to be so betrayed. When I think of the times I spent with him it makes me want to throw up. What a fool I was. I used to think he must have gotten a good laugh of how gullible and easy I was. I no longer care but doesn't make me hate him less. Today I ran into him after almost three weeks of no contact. He looked at me with such contempt and said nothing. He got in his car went tearing off. It's hard to believe just two summers ago he held me in his arms and I felt so loved. I hate him for taking my dreams away, for using me, for lying to me. I will never forgive him. Stay strong don't ever go back!
Jul 11 - 9PM
Marie's picture

Email finder.com

For anyone interested you can check this site for a fee to see what comes up for your name if anything. Sometimes the information is old or wrong but you can see if your email address is traceable with your name address and phone number.
Jul 11 - 1PM
Carolyn's picture

he could have moved on and

he could have moved on and might have someone else. They come back when they want something emotionally, physically, or financially. You are fortunate to be away and out of it before worse things happened. He has nothing for you but painful experiences and painful memories.
Jul 8 - 8AM
liselotte's picture

how he contacted me

This is months after the break-up and I exposed him for what he was to everyone (to no avail btw), he wanted my address to forward mail he received. I told him to go **** himself. Two weeks later he sent the mail to one of my best friends, accompanied with the most friendly, charming note, again... as if nothing happened. I instructed (that's how you become)my friend to ignore him. And it took me soooooo much strength not to react, but I didn't and it now feels good.
Jul 8 - 8AM (Reply to #37)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


LOL! Looks like we are on the same line of thought. Thanks for the comment and yes they will try or do anything just to keep us in their sick plan of manipula~sic~tion.
Jul 8 - 8AM (Reply to #38)
liselotte's picture

But the worst part of it

But the worst part of it is... to anyone not understanding what's going on, YOU seem completely paranoid. "Ahh but he's just being polite trying to forward your post, and he even writes a nice note with it!" There's nothing wrong with that..! They don't see but to you it proves how truly disordered they are. AAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A couple weeks ago I dreamed I killed him, in the most sadistic way. I was shocked at myself when I woke up. That's how deep my hate towards him is. Sad... isn't it... pfff, excruciating and energy sucking.
Jul 11 - 8PM (Reply to #39)
Marie's picture


Absolutely so true. Everyone thinks my mental case is the greatest of guys and he would be if he was sincere. The thing is it's not his true self. In private he says nothing nice about anyone. After awhile I realized more and more of his nasty comments were about me as well, I was also included amongst the people who annoyed him. I asked him once if you feel that way don't call me or email me any longer, leave me the **** alone. Of course it was my low self esteem getting in the way, he didn't mean me. Uh huh, another one of his little mind twisting games. He always offers to help but don't ask him. Hate people like that would rather no help be offered. I understand your hatred and dream. How can you not feel that towards someone so evil. It's almost like one of those sci-fi movies when the human image is ripped away to reveal an ugly alien creature. The only thing is you're the only one who sees it, unless they're someon who also knows the soul sucking creature.
Jul 12 - 2AM (Reply to #40)
liselotte's picture


It's so validating when someone knows and has been through the same.. Thanks for your reply!
Jul 7 - 4PM
liselotte's picture

I remember our first

I remember our first 'fight'... I told him how I felt and he said; this feels like a break-up conversation... He said it in a really sad way. I was just stunned.. It blocked everything, but of course I had no idea what I was getting in at that time!! I felt guilty for being 'hard on him'. If he reacted this way, he must be insecure.. and he was about to leave for his mission to Afghanistan, so I explained that it had nothing to with a break-up.. of course not!! Never, ever project your own neuroticism onto them, they're not like you, they're not insecure. They are character disturbed, never got punished for being bad by their doting mother. Indulged all their lives.. No empathy, just ME ME ME.
Jul 8 - 8AM (Reply to #34)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Back Burner 2

After reading some of these reply concerning this issue. One other thing I like to offer is if you want NC (No Contact) don't be surprise in the many different ways they will try to get phone numbers cell numbers email address and/or other information on you. On my blog site under Expect Anything http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/2009/06/expect-anything.html You will see how they will get other people involved and try to manipulate others to get what they want. So please expect anything and everything for whoever has no morals or conscience will try and do whatever they want no matter who gets in the way. So please be careful out there and more so on the web.
Jul 11 - 9PM (Reply to #35)
Marie's picture


I dated another N years ago, didn't have the name for him then but now I know what he was. We were apart for three years,no contact whatsoever. I was engaged to be married and don't you know he called me at my job. A job I never told him about, somehow he tracked me down; this was also before the internet. He ran into someone that heard I was getting married mentioned it in passing not realizing this crazy would come looking for me. I'll never forget picking up the phone that day and hearing that voice again. All I could say was "how did you get this number?" He then tried to talk me out of getting married saying I was on the rebound. After three years? I think not. How could I be missing someone who tried to strangle me. They are sick bastards whether male or female and you definitely have to always be wary because you never know when they'll pop into your life.
Jul 8 - 7AM (Reply to #32)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Back Burner

When Dr. Carver talked about this issue (them leaving) and how even if it’s their ideal to discard some of their old supply it doesn’t mean we get one off the hook completely. In fact all they really do is put that supply on the back burner and then at a later date will try to reconnect if they feel they can get something out of them. Once I remember him replying to a reader when asked what was the longest time a person has been put on the back burner and then out of the blue been contacted again, I believe Dr. Carver stated one he knew was about 20 years. I believe others might even report a longer period of time concerning this issue. So even if one is abandoned don’t think that’s the end of it. Because sooner or later you will hear from them unless they're dead or are in prison. Sad but True. These people truly live up to the saying “The gift that keeps on giving” or should I say “taking”... http://www.drjoecarver.com/3/miscellaneous2.htm
Jul 11 - 9PM (Reply to #33)
Jodie's picture

haha the gift that just

haha the gift that just keeps on giving...i love it "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jul 7 - 4PM (Reply to #30)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


They set the stage early on with the 'resistance is futile' kind of attitude. This is when we had our biggest battles because I was not quite under the spell fully, and everything seemed so unreasonable. I can relate to the 'stunned' effect. You're thinking, did I just hear correctly?? I called him out back then on his behavior, but still, he managed to twist it all around somehow. And of course, eventually it was easier to just give in and agree with everything. Gosh, I wish I cut and run then, when I initially knew something was wrong. Better late than never..