self blame

18 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 27 - 11AM

kiwi10

self blame

thank you everybody for your help last night. you are all so amazing... i love you :)
i thought about it alot, and i think my pain is coming from fear and guilt. i'm still replaying the message he told me. that i ruined our relationship with my 'insane jealousy' and 'immaturity'. i keep thinking... if i had just been better, and the record just keeps fucking playing over and over.
i wake up several times in the middle of the night to be thinking of him. first thought every morning. about his new life, new girlfriends, how worthless i feel.
fear that it's not as easy as i thought it was to find a decent guy. nowonder he had so many women to choose from. it seems most men don't have jobs, or are ugly, or are married, or are assholes. usually a combination of those. and if you find one who isn't those things, how the hell do you win out your competition? :(
I'm starting to feel pangs of lonliness and it hurts. i know he's out dating and i'm still here, sad, obsessing, trying to stop. i so want to stop wasting time... but i feel like i ruined my marraige and i can't seem to convince myself it wasn't my fault. i know it was wrong, what he did to me, but what about the wrong things i did? how do i make myself feel better about that? :(
I'm just trudging on. i'm assuming this set back happened because i saw him on friday, and after a few more days i'll start feeling better....

#2 Sep 27 - 9PM

NancyM

If only

Fierflie I have been reading some of the posts and I can feel how you are struggling with the stage you are in, and can truly understand how difficult and painful it is to try and break out of. The first story I ever read of a lady that went through a Narc experience, the first thought that popped into my head was "gee she seems so nice, and she is so pretty, how could someone do that to her" At the very moment I had that thought I stopped myself and put a reminder down that I needed to go back and examine that thought. Why did I think it was bad for this to happen to someone else, but not to me?? It has taken some time and much healing to work through so many false beliefs I had about myself, but I have slowly worked through them, and with each one I deal with, I move a step forward. One of the problems/hurdles I had to get over was that after a lifetime of Narc contact, I was terribly afraid that by caring for myself and allowing myself to be "selfish" I was somehow going to become like "Them". It took me a LOT of reading and searching to learn the difference between self absorption (NARC) and self reflection/examination(US). Finally coming to this place I realized it was OK to allow myself to put ME first. Here are just some of my false beliefs that kept me stuck in bad patterns. If I were prettier Too smart for my own good. (still don't know what that is supposed to mean) If I was sexier. If I was a better mother/friend/lover If I just tried harder If I just did not get emotional If I just had not answered back/stood up for myself. He is right about me. If I had just kept my trap(mouth) shut. Pain, fear, grief and loneliness will come, there is no escaping it. I too found it so shattering at times I truly believed I simply would not survive, that my heart would just give out. Now I know that my pain told me I needed to change my path in life. My grief took away the last of my innocence, and with it my fantasy/magical thinking world. My loneliness told me that I needed to learn to get to know me again without looking for outside validation. My fear kept me from returning to old patterns, and my rage gave me the strength to continue. I learned to listen to myself, my feelings and search for what I was trying to tell myself. This is the best way I can explain it so it will make sense. It is so easy to believe that it is your fault if you have always been told that, especially if it started in childhood. This is an effective conditioning that I truly had to look at also. To offer you some hope, is that we DO have the ability to do this. All I can say is thank whatever god that because I have suffered, it also means I can heal. I suppose what I am trying to say is that I realize now that I could have gone the way of the Narc by shutting down in childhood. I am so grateful I did not even though it meant I had to suffer all this abuse. I have survived. You will too. All you have to do is believe.

Nevergoback

#3 Sep 27 - 9PM (Reply to #16)

kiwi10

nancy m

thank you, that was very inspirational. and thank you for taking an interest in my story - it means a lot to me. i'm trying to believe, and youre right, i do hear about other kind women going through what i did, and think they didn;t didn't deserve it... yet somehow i did. i can;t stop, for some reason. i'm trying, though

#4 Sep 27 - 9PM (Reply to #17)

NancyM

Fierflie

I am going to start a new thread on this, just so we don't get into skinny world..lol.

Nevergoback

#5 Sep 27 - 8PM

Bella68

OMG Scoop.....You are

OMG Scoop.....You are describing me!!! That is EXACTLY how he made me feel and even now I do not lean on people because he made me feel I was "NEEDY"!!! I have been N/C for 6 months now and I still feel this way.....F@#$ing prick!!!

#6 Sep 27 - 4PM

Scoop

Oh my , i use to replay what

Oh my , i use to replay what he said all the time , the thing he said was that i was "needy " which i now see is a big fat projection from him . He was the one who could never be alone , he was the one who bleed me dry , but i was needy when i asked for an tiny weeny bit back . It kind of made me laugh now but at the time i took him very seriously , so much so that i didnt reach out to people for suport because i was so scared of looking needy . The bastard .

#7 Sep 27 - 8PM (Reply to #13)

Susan32

Know that feeling

One one really horrible day during the D&D, a bunch of people told me to "go away"... and not just the ex-Psych professor. I never felt so unwanted and "needy" in my life. The ex-P would call me "needy" when all I wanted were the basics: honesty, decency, respect. I had treated him that way (with honesty and respect) and he couldn't reciprocate that. During the D&D, I felt terrible about reaching out for help- I went to two of my trusted friends- they were real angels- but I felt terrible about reaching out for support. Yet he was the one who was needy, who threw me aside because I stopped worshipping the ground he walked on.

#8 Sep 27 - 1PM

helldweller

fierflie

All I can do is back up what everyone else has said: We feel bad because we are human, we have human feelings, we feel sad and wistful because of the loss of love. They don't. I know that even this morning, I had to walk by the narc at school and he was looking at me. I could see his puppy dog eyes. I had to walk right by him and he said,very softly, "Good morning." I wanted to die. Even now I feel so guilty for ignoring him, not answering. Just because I'm human and I don't ignore people or not answer people. I can remind myself of the trillion times he ignored me, like when I asked where we were going for Christmas dinner, or when I called him every day when he was visiting another woman behind my back, but it doesn't matter. I still feel bad. Never mind the things I said, calling him every name in the book, telling him he was a horrible father, hitting him, screaming at him, telling him he was the worst man I had ever met. It's all as true as can be, but boy do you feel guilty later, because they make it their business to make us feel guilty. An example: you know all about the backstabbing babysitter who decided to break us up a year and a half ago and made up all sorts of crazy stuff about me so the narc would think I was nuts. So he moves this woman into the apartment next door to us--the woman who no longer speaks to my children and me--and says, "What could I do? She sold her house and had nowhere else to go." She sold her house for $700,000. She has no kids, no responsibilities, she buys nothing, wears the same clothes every day, and she had "nowhere else to go?" Besides, what the F do you care if she had nowhere else to go? You don't care about anyone! Well, do you know how many times I have felt guilty, thinking, "Gosh, he was just being nice giving her somewhere to go and all I did was yell at him and hit him." Seriously messed up.

#9 Sep 27 - 2PM (Reply to #11)

kiwi10

I can remind myself of the trillion times he ignored me

that hit home. so true. liek the time he wouldn't answer because he was with his x girlfriend or at the titty bar or just sitting at his office until 2 AM ignoring his phone to 'get away from me'. he acted like he had to do that to get away from me because i was so aweful.

#10 Sep 27 - 1PM

kiwi10

he's calling me from his

he's calling me from his office because he thinks i won;t recognize the number. no message. what the fuck does he want? :( wasn't him leaving the party all weird enough? is he still going to ask me to get his bank statements-again? i could totally see it.

#11 Sep 27 - 1PM

Briseis

We all do "wrong things".

We all do "wrong things". You don't have to have had "perfect behavior" to be a real victim, here. Real victims are normal, imperfect human beings who screw up, act out, behave atrociously too :) The problem is this: When you pair up your "bad" behavior with the punishment/abuse you got from your exNarc. When you INSIST upon believing that your "bad" behavior caused him to abuse you. I'm just gonna say it. You are wrong LOL!! I know it doesn't FEEL wrong to you, that's why you continue to believe it. The feeling you have is like a conviction of "truth". You are CONVINCED that your "bad" behavior caused your exNarc to abuse you. Probably because as a little girl you were CONVINCED your father was abusive and didn't love you because you were so "bad". You are a 31 year old woman who is "believing" things that a five year old girl believes. We too get emotionally arrested. Since you grew out of 99% of your childhood beliefs, you can grow out of this one too :) I PROMISE. You have to first be WILLING to believe that no matter how awful YOU were, that you did not deserve to be abused. By your exNarc, or your father. The only person here who is believing this is you, honey. No one is forcing you to believe this way. When you were a little girl, you thought your parents were Gods. Now you know better lol. Beliefs change as we mature. This belief you have will change to, but you have to be WILLING to let go of it as not true. Be willing to consider it is not true. Let go of it. Stop "cherishing" this idea that you are so awful that you caused your abuse.

#12 Sep 27 - 1PM (Reply to #7)

kiwi10

briesis

i dont really think i deserved it... i think i juust feel like i could have avoided it by being better, does that make sense?

#13 Sep 27 - 1PM (Reply to #8)

Briseis

Yeah, it does make

Yeah, it does make sense. Except that it is basically the same thing, but with a twist. Believing if you had just done "better" would have avoided the abuse is just as "wrong". Just as illogical and non reality based. Say I was a guy, and you and I were married. Me with my same personality, but with, erm, the other kind of equipment :D . Say you were very needy, and got very upset when I talked to another woman on the phone, a lot, or said another woman was hot. I WOULD NOT ABUSE YOU FOR IT. Say you started to cry and scream, begging, moaning, throwing a HUGE temper tantrum, accusing me, calling me names, threatening me, maybe even throwing your curling iron at me, or hitting me. I STILL WOULD NOT ABUSE YOU FOR IT. Neither would most people whip out a belt, or turn back on you with verbal/emotional abuse. Decent people do not abuse BACK. They might think to themselves YOW!!! but they wouldn't humiliate you and beat you into pieces :( :( :( Think about that. Take it on faith. Abusive men ABUSE no matter how you act. THey will find SOMETHING to be abusive over. Don't tell me he was NEVER abusive to you when you were acting fine!! He was!! :P Bottom line, Fierflie. You insist upon giving your "bad" behavior TOO MUCH POWER. You give your "bad" behavior the power to cause someone to abuse you. That is not true. It was NEVER true. My brother in law has four daughters. He is NEVER abusive to them. When they are little monsters, misbehave, shock him with what they come up with . . . he never abuses them. He's a good daddy. He's a normal guy. Your father was a JERK, unworthy of YOU, a gift from God, for that is what children are. So again, be WILLING to consider that how you think about this is just plain WRONG. That what I'm saying does apply to you, not to someone more "worthy" than you. Nope, I'm talking to YOU girl :)

#14 Sep 27 - 12PM

mystwoman

Hi Fierflie, Please don't

Hi Fierflie, Please don't beat yourself up just because he accused you of ruining the relationship. This a common tactic with N's. They will never accept any of the blame for their actions. Your N is trying to pawn all of it onto you. If he can blame you, he can maintain his twisted self-illusion that he's perfect. My N said exactly the same to me. I've apparently caused every single fight that we'd had during the entire 16 years that I'd known him. Supposedly I just layed awake at night finding things to fight with him about (I actually slept most nights but he won't believe that one. lol). He actually told me that if I had loved him more, had sex with him more, pretty much allowed him to treat me however he wanted, and pretended that he was perfect life would have just been "so wonderful" (for him maybe...but certainly it wouldn't have been for me). Yes, I'm well aware that there are things that I could have done better in our marriage. Who couldn't? We're ALL just humans and, therefore, NOT perfect... well of course, unless you're an N who does no wrong. lol. I'm guessing that your seeing your N has stirred you up emotionally. I know it does that to me every time I see my N as well. Hang in there, and know that you ARE worth much in your own right. Hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#15 Sep 27 - 1PM (Reply to #2)

kiwi10

mystwoman

hi, i haven't seen you on here before. it's very nice to meet you. thank you for your kind, warm words. they made me feel better :)

#16 Sep 27 - 2PM (Reply to #3)

mystwoman

You're very welcome. I've

You're very welcome. I've only been here for about two months. My xnh D&D'd me about four months, and we divorced about three months ago. I've been trying to maintain NC for three months as well (except when xn showed up at my house unwanted once, and when he tried to hassle me at work - sadly we work at the same place). I'm so happy that I found this site. From reading some of your posts, I see that I live about 100 miles south of you (Socorro). It's really nice to meet you, too.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#17 Sep 27 - 2PM (Reply to #4)

kiwi10

no kidding??? your in NM!!!

no kidding??? your in NM!!! YAY.. ok if you ever needa a lawyer let me tell you who NOT to go to... we shoudl meet up. so, your x d&d you and still harasses you? how?

#18 Sep 27 - 3PM (Reply to #5)

mystwoman

Yes, I'm in NM. My xnh was

Yes, I'm in NM. My xnh was constantly trying to contact me because he wants to be "friends" (aka, mess with me emotionally). I'm so completely done with him after the D&D that it's not even funny, and my "friends" don't abuse me like he's done. We're not friends. I just want NC, to heal, and to move on with my life. In the infinite wisdom of my company (not), they have him and I in offices right next door to each other. Right now they don't have any other rooms available for me (or him) to move offices, so for now I'm stuck. Barf. My xn was taking our office proximity as an excuse, after he walked out on me, to say "hi" and/or stop by multiple times per day to visit. In addition, he was sending me multiple whiny, crying, or abusive emails per day (depending on his mood at the moment). I guess he can dump me like garbage but I'm still supposed to just worship the ground that he walks on anyway. Not going to happen. He then started waiting for me outside the building in the mornings so that he could follow me into work "just trying to be friendly". This was just all way too painful for me. It kept me upset every day, and going to work was rapidly becoming torture. I happen to both need and like my job, and my xn's inability to leave me alone was just more than I could take. I felt like a target everywhere that I went. Nowhere, including my job and my home, were safe from his intrusions. To quote, the Goofy Movie, "How can I miss him, if he won't go away?" lol. When the whiny emails (that I was saving as evidence) climbed over 50, I went to my management and lodged a verbal complaint. I told them I was being harassed by xn, and that it was affecting my ability to do my job. I told them I just want to come to work, do my job, and NOT have to deal my ex-husband. The divorce was final, and the property was completely separate. He had no valid reason to contact me any longer. I, also, showed them the emails that he'd been sending and was using company email to do it. Xn was then told that on company time or property (including phone or email), he was to have absolutely no contact with me, or the complaint will be taken to a written complaint and he will be reprimanded. So far, this has kept xn from bothering me again (mostly). He's tried to say "hi" in my office door twice, and I've completely ignored him. Then I reported it to my boss. We'll see how it goes in the future, but for now I mostly get peace at work. I'm, also, trying to make my home as unavailable to him as possible as well. I've changed my cell number, blocked all of his known numbers from my home phone, changed my home emails, changed the locks, and burglar alarm, and if he shows up on my property, I intend to call the cops. However, I am aware that N's seem to work on the "erosion factor" so I'm guessing that he'll be trying other tactics on me before he gives up completely. For someone that walked out on our marriage, he's certainly being a royal pain in the a$$. lol.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews