so... after i danced some last night, and my x husband left, i wasn't exactly sad, but i was drunk and i thought a little bit about dieing. don't worry, i wont kill myself. do any of you ever feel that way, though?
i'm so sorry and i hope i didnt sound cavalier. i certainly didn't mean to.
i just get so scared by my apathy towards death sometime. i'm not suicidal exactly like i was when he first left and i took an overdose of pills, its just more of a frightening morbidity in myself...
again, i'm so sorry if i hurt you...
I feel bad that you feel this way. NO MAN and especially NO NARC is worth your precious life. It hurts me because my dad was depressed. And I wish that he had valued himself enough to take control and get help. And I hope you do the same. Believe me - the pain that is inflicted by suicide on the loving surviors is beyond belief. I got involved with the narc in part because of stifled and not-so-stifled pain over my Dad's manner of death. I love my Dad more than pretty much anyone else on the planet. And the narc played on that and used it was one of the ways to target me. Making it out that he had a similar background with his Dad when it simply wasn't true.
Please - if you feel this way, please get help.
I'm so sorry, Morty. I would guess that that is the most ultimate betrayal. This experience pushed me to the extreme but it was because of my children that I could never have followed thru with it. But I am a Mother. I could never leave my children. This experience has forced an in depth look at so many things in my life. I hope that this is something that you are exploring in yours. This can have effects that we just do not even see.
almostlydia
from my Dad. There are reasons why he did what he did and he made his choice. I hate the choice but I don't hate him and I don't feel betrayed.
That being said - I miss him so much and am so very sad that his grandchildren won't know him. I was close to my grandfather (his dad) growing up. He had a huge influence on my life. And my daughter won't have the same. I feel sad that my dad didn't value his life enough to see how much his little grandchildren did and would have continued to love him so much.
For anyone contemplating taking your own life - please step outside yourselves and put yourselves heart and soul into the psyche of the person who loves you most in this world, whether it be your mom, you dad, you child, your sister, your best friend, whomever it is. And imagine how they would feel having to grieve your death by your own hand. Imagine it. And take it from me - you don't want to imagine it. Not only is there grief, there are ramifications and ripples in your loved ones lives that they won't even be aware of (like hooking up with a narc) until after they are so betrayed and hurt by someone else all because they didn't know they were trying to run from the pain of you killing yourself.
And please don't think I'm posting this because I'm looking for sympathy. I'm posting it because I care about all of you and I also am trying to prevent people from having to go through what I went through. My dad's choice led me in part to the narc. And honestly, no one and nothing, even my dad's death, hurt me more than the narc hurt me. I wish I could roll back the clock to June 21, 2007 and hold my Dad in my arms and say please don't do this. PLEASE - your action will destroy our family. Please don't do it.
you poor sweethear. what a piece of shit that guy is. i'm sorry i made you think about that, i'm really sorry... and i hope that predator rots in hell.
i'm pretty sure my x is a psychopath... not that it matters.
Oh I'm not pretty sure, I'm sure. The Ex is definitely a psychopath. And if yours was too - then we have a long road of healing ahead of us because these guys specialize is destroying others.
But you know what - that asshole IS NOT going to destroy me. And if my Dad were here today, he'd be mortified and would hate him. I take comfort in that.
I had suicidal thoughts as well. But I am a coward - fortunately.
What I really wanted, was the pain to stop, I had terrible cognitive dissonance, and obsessive thoughts for more than one year - NON STOP. Every second, every breath, when I was sitting on toilet, when I brushed my teeth, while I was speaking with a friend - every second - no break.
I slept alot in this time, cause this was the only break I had. The moment I woke up, it started again.
I was so exhausted and so down, that if someone would have told me, here take this, your are dead in one second without pain, I would have kissed his feet.
But now - I am so happy, I survived that. And we want the pain to stop, thats why we have suicidal thoughts.
There are other ways.
I heard yesterday:
YOu cant get ridd off anything - you TRANSFORM.
This is ment in a enrtgetical way. And its true.
We have to take the energy like a kung fu fighter, using it, transform it, into that what we want.
If it this would have been ment to be, it would be, but it wasnt - all pain and suffer comes from resisting....resisting the flow...the stream....
Something wonderful is waitng for us. We chosed this physical life here with all its struggle, but its a beautiful struggle.
So lets live it, lets no longer resist life.
If you cannot love yourself - at least love the gift of life that was given to you...every moment, step by step.
Jen, I have been exactly where you are. If there was a pill you could take to go asleep at night and not wake up in the morning, I would have taken it. And this was BEFORE I met the narc. About six months before I met him, I was so down because I truly believed (based on ten years' experience) that I would never meet the right man.
Then I met the narc. We all know how that turned out.
So yes, I totally relate to thoughts of easy, painless, bloodless exiting of this life.
I can see that you've moved beyond that though, and all credit to you for that. As I recall, you're young enough that you have lots of time to heal, to take time to yourself, and to start dating again when you are good and ready. Please don't rush. I wish I was your age again so I didn't have to panic about the baby deadline. You have so much time, so please, just take care of yourself and your life, and everything else will come.
HLS xx
Yes I am young, but I've been through a lot of BS.
My father beated the hell out of us when my sisters and me were young. I went to my grandma with 13, she got cancer when I was 16, died a half year BEFORE I finished school with 18.
Then I had my first narc, I got pregnant, he said abortion or I leave you, I was alone and 19.
With 20 I thought I met the love of my life we married, he beated me - a narc again, I divirced him and he left me with 10000 dept that I had to pay.
Then I met the decent guy, he got cancer and I went through hell, I studied law, I had to work 40 hours a week beside the studies and he had cancer.
Our relationship didnt work out. And then I met the next narc, who nearly destroyed me, i didnt finsih my studies, lost my job and my health.
So dont think, just because I am young its easier for me to get hope again.
I had, when I look back maybe 4 years in my life all together, where I had peace and no drama.
The rest was a catastrophy.
So I have not many memories I can relate to that are nice, positive and peaceful.
And still, I dont give up upon a good life, and love as well.
And you shouldnt too.
HUGS!
I was 41 when I met him and he seemed like he came just in the nick of time, to settle down with him and start our family. He was my reward for years of heartbreak from men (not narcs, just regular assclowns - well maybe one narc, but that was only 2 months). Yeah, right.
I'm 42 now and wake every morning with a twisted gut from anxiety that all the things I want will just never happen for me.
Wow, I love what you said, Jen79!!!
You can't get rid of anything - Instead, you TRANSFORM.
It's all about energy!
"We have to take the energy like a kung fu fighter, using it, transforming it, into that what we want.
All pain and suffering comes from resisting....resisting the flow...the stream....
Something wonderful is waiting for us. We chose this physical life here with all its struggle, but its a beautiful struggle.
So lets live it, lets no longer resist life.
If you cannot love yourself - at least love the gift of life that was given to you...every moment, step by step."
This is so true and so beautiful! Thanks for sharing, Jen79!
I can honestly say I've never thought about suicide. Maybe it's because my mom tried & I know what it feels like as child no matter how old I was at the time I could never do that to my children.
I want more than anything for the hurt & pain to stop. I thought it had and I was doing good. But today is the 1 yr anniversary of us driving 600 miles for the weekend to surprise our best friends at their wedding reception and today is my 6 months anniversary of being NC. And I thought I was ok with all of that but tonight is really really hard and sad.
to think about where I thought my life was a year ago and to realize where it is now.
I don't want anything to do w/him but the realization of how blind and stupid i was is really hurting today.
I have no desire to end my life. I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be. And I do believe if someone ends their life they will go to hell. So what's the point of that? We already know what hell feels like w/the N....so why go there again. And spend our afterlife with them too! NO THANK YOU!
Anniversaries are a killer. This time last year the narc and I were in a beautiful hotel in the Napa valley, enjoying wine tours and delicious food and great scenery and lovely sunsets and jacuzzi baths and words of endearment and great sex and each other. It kills me to think about all that. When I try to imagine it, it feels like it all happened to someone else, a long, long time ago.
God bless your strength for never even having the urge to end your life. You are clearly in the care of a higher spirit. Just spare a thought from time to time for those who, contrary to their own wishes, get overcome now and then at what seems like the utter futility of life. If you feel like you have a real connection to a higher power, please pray for us.
your words...when I try to imagine it, it feels like it all happened to someone else, a long, long time ago. WOW!
those words hit my heart to the core! I always thought whether we would be together or not he would be a part of my life forever. Not anymore. Feels like a fog a dream another life.
And yes hook I have a strong belief in God. Bless Him for sticking by me the way He has. I lost sight of Him for awhile and still have a ways to go to have true faith in what he has planned for me. I do ask Him to come into the hearts and souls that are lost and guide us all. Me included. I am soo not the perfect Christian. I drink I smoke I cuss. I just know in my heart He exists. And I say prayers every nite for all of us. And I know He brought me to this web and I thank Him for guiding me here.
I have no time for god any more. I hate him for leaving me alone and unmarried and childless at this stage of my life. I hate him for ignoring my prayers for a husband and children for all these years, while sending these things to everyone else I know. I hate him for bringing the narc into my life. I hate him for not changing the narc to a normal man who wants to commit to me. I hate him for never, ever being there for me. And even if I meet the right man tomorrow, I will hate god for ever more for leaving it so scarily late for me, because of the baby deadline.
Yep. Most weekends.
My Dad Committed Suicide
morty
You Didn't Fierflie
I'm so sorry, Morty. I
almostlydia
I Don't See it as the Ultimate Betrayal
morty
Psychopath
fierflie
Jen, I have been exactly
HLS
jen....
fierflie
i'm jenny too!!!! are you a
I am virgo fierflie
hey hooklineandsinker
Fireflie
Jen79
Fierflie
Anniversaries are a killer.
Hook
I have no time for god any
.............good point
double post