Loner

15 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 22 - 3AM

marie27m

Loner

My exN told me last night that he prefers to be alone, and single. He said that people 'suck the energy and drain the life force' out of him. It was such a strange thing to say I thought, is that something an N would say? Are some of them such loners?

Also just wondering... He came over drunk last Friday night and told me he still loved me etc. I didn't reciprocate at all cause I was caught off guard. He says he can't remember anything he said, could it be that he felt rejected by me and therefore claims he can't remember anything, or would he then not be talking to me at all?

I feel so silly asking these questions but I don't know who else to ask, don't know if I'm just over analyzing everything now!

#2 Sep 22 - 4PM

hooklineandsinker

Marie

I am so glad you posted this. Mine was identical. Always talking about how he hated "people" and wanted to get away from them, didn't need anyone, never got lonely, etc etc, to the extent that he is now looking to buy a house in the deep countryside. I too find it confusing that he would feel like this - surely narcs are supposed to want lots of adoring fans around them to give them supply, as opposed to adopting this hermit-like existence? It's things like this that make me stop and wonder (and feel guilty) that maybe he's not a narc at all? I was so used to hearing him say that he never got lonely that I was forced to ask him one night"so what were you doing on a dating site then, if you never get lonely?" He answered that he felt it was time to meet the right person, "someone with a brain" as he put it - probably words just designed to make me feel special and reel me in. God knows. Although your man Sam Vaknin talks about this phenomenon whereby they exhaust themselves so much with chasing supply that they have to go through periods of next to no activity in order to recharge. I dunno. I'm totally confused with the "loner" stuff too. What does anyone else think?

#3 Sep 23 - 2AM (Reply to #14)

marie27m

But the thing that confuses

But the thing that confuses me with this is the fact that we live in a very, very small town. Litteraly everyone here knows one another and I know for a fact there is no one else here at the moment for him. I know he hasn't been out of town cause I drive/bump into him almost every day, and I know he doesn't do internet dating as I've been on his computer many times (without warning so it's not like he could hide anything). It also makes me wonder whether he's a narc, it's so confusing!

#4 Sep 22 - 5PM (Reply to #13)

Alibi_10

Funsize

Yes, very confused as well about this. Mine has said many times that he doesn't need anybody, that he is self-sufficient and even once said to me "I don't need anything from you". I also asked why he had been on a dating site, and he said to meet new friends! But when he relegated me to friend, he said "I don't need any more friends!" Confused? I certainly was, and still am. Thing is .... I don't know whether I believe him or not. He told me once that he was a 'predator' but said it with an angelic smile, said that he had copied and pasted replies to over sixty people because it was 'efficent' ... and that some of them would bite that way. I bit (red face) and got properly hooked. Still wriggling really. And I have also wondered if he really has a disorder or if (as he says) it is me with the disorder ! But the way he acted when we were out, talking loudly, just acting generally strangely to draw attention to himself (surfing when nobody else was and asking me if anyone was looking !!) - made me think he really does like the attention. He was always looking at other women, too and looking over my shoulder to see what else was going on when I was talking - SO RUDE !! He would also question me about where I had been and who with, but when I asked him - he would be vague and just say he had been out and about. Hmmm .... now am not so sure at all ! :o( x

#5 Sep 22 - 4PM

helldweller

Marie

I am sure you are one of many he is telling the same thing to, to get you to stop giving (or keep you from giving) him any "trouble." And by trouble I mean: wanting to have a conversation, wanting to go out on a date, wanting to be cared about, wanting to be loved, wanting a partner, wanting someone to talk to about your dreams, wanting someone to enjoy life with, wanting someone to make you feel safe, etc etc etc etc etc etc

#6 Sep 22 - 1PM

Briseis

Hi Marie!! I imagine this

Hi Marie!! I imagine this guy is your boyfriend? You are lovers? Isn't it very, very WEIRD that he tells you he is a "loner" and then comes over drunk hoping not to be alone? If anything, this is an example of how absolutely DISTURBED he is. He's talking out of both sides of his mouth. Very, very classic for NPD. Or any personality disorder, really. It tells you how chaotic things are in his head. It tells you that you "exist" to make him feel better when he feels the need, but otherwise, you "suck the energy out of him". You deserve MUCH better than this. This kind of mindfuck does a number on your head. He has a disorder that the psychiatric community doesn't even believe can be cured, so for you to subject yourself to his insanity is not going to help him, and especially, it will hurt YOU. Take a step back and just take a long look at how ferked up this is. What do you think?

#7 Sep 22 - 1PM

almostlydia

Marie27

Could it actually be that keeping up the facade for all of these people is really what is sucking his life force. If he is out there developing new supply, he is having to work very hard at faking it. I saw this when the exN was 'developing' his many new sources of supply, about 6 at one time plus keeping up with me. He was exhausted. But he really had no real friends either because he was, they all are, users. And people do get tired of being used with no reciprocation and eventually fall out of the friend circle. The only ones that stay are the absolute 'groupies' who are usually too young and impressionable that they don't know any better. He probably came back around to the safest, easiest and 'already trained' place. At least this was my experience. Glad you are here. There is much to try to understand and quite often just not possible to comprehend. You're in the right place. almostlydia

almostlydia

#8 Sep 22 - 6AM

Alibi_10

Marie27

Were we seeing the same guy here? !!! Mine said EXACTLY those words about people sucking the life out of him. His online dating profile said that was the thing he hated most. ... and you sound like I feel, that it is you who has had your life and energy drained. Mine also said he prefers to be alone and would happily not speak to anyone for weeks. He even commented on how many friends I have and that I am a social animal. And yet he shows off in public, was always drawing attention to himself in odd ways. Their behaviour is so confusing, it uses up energy just thinking about it. I had an unexpected visit at the weekend too. ..still in a fuzz about it so not been up to posting much. He just returned some stuff. Stay on here. ... its a safe place to be. x

#9 Sep 22 - 8AM (Reply to #7)

marie27m

OMG it does sound like the

OMG it does sound like the same guy - scary these people! Also said he could go without speaking to anyone for days, yet when he's out & about he tries to be the center of attention. And at the end of the day still has no friends. I will definitely stay on this site, it has helped me so much!!!

#10 Sep 22 - 8AM (Reply to #8)

anonymous

Marie

"At the end of the day still has no friends." YUP! Marie - Sounds like you're figuring stuff out. Good job being objective. =)

#11 Sep 22 - 8AM (Reply to #6)

anonymous

Odd

"And yet he shows off in public, was always drawing attention to himself in odd ways." Yep - mine did that too. He is a loner. He prefers to live in his cave. But when he does "socialize" - he's odd. Attention-grabbing; verbose; poor attempts at wittiness; generally a show-off but in a dark, moody sort of way. Problem is, most people don't see through it at first and it isn't until you get to know him well that you realize there's something off about him. Classic cerebral N.

#12 Sep 22 - 6AM (Reply to #5)

Used

draining

my n knew he was draining, he used to say it to me, he was so in your face,, he is a loner of sorts.. if he can get any one,s attention he does and will.. less and less people put up with him now. he doesnt fit in anywhere and he knows it. he has called himself selfish, draining. obnoxious. but does he try to change.. no no. he has a pretty misrable exsistence. shame.

#13 Sep 22 - 6AM

Used

marie27

no he didnt feel rejected by you, you still had sex with him... thats all the validation these want.. they dont want i love you,s it means nothing to them.. it,s your actions that speak to them,, so you having sex with him said it all to him. if he doesnt remember any thing about that night then he wouldnt remember the sex would he? but he does remember and now he has got what he wants he is playing games again.... they are all users.

#14 Sep 22 - 8AM (Reply to #2)

marie27m

Thanks for being so

Thanks for being so straight-forward, I needed that! The worse is I caved cause somehow I'm physically still very much attracted to him, it doesn't even make sense why I would be! It makes me so mad, I'm at a point where I wish there was a way I could really screw him over! But sadly there isn't...

#15 Sep 22 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

Used

marie27

I'm at a point where I wish there was a way I could really screw him over! But sadly there isn't... yes there is my luv......... say no next time,and there will be a next time!!! what i used to do in the end, was take myself thru the times i spent with him, i would dissect everything said or done[even if it was a good time] and thought and now i am sitting in door,s staring into space feeling depressed and sometimes. suicidal, and thought its not worth this any more for a few, minutes, hours.or days. one time it was every day for 5weeks from10am until 9pm, when i used to tell him to go we would come back to mine for a chill, what i didnt know was when he left at 9 he would go to his ow who i never knew anything about...to what? feel like this about myself..... so thats when i stopped... i have days that i miss what we had, but i dont miss how it made me feel low, and that could last for day,s. i see him about quite a lot, he makes sure of that, but i dont look at him and think shall i, i look at him and think of myself!!!. how i will feel again, after coming so far, thanks to this board as well, and by the time i have thought it the moment has passed... it works for me. luvxxxxx

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews