Finding an easy solution for difficult problems

There isn't one, but there should be - maybe we should start one ;-) I read Lisa's thread recently about being involved with an alcoholic -- and over the last year a lot of people have posted about their narc being addicted to alcohol, pot, porn, work - you name it. My narc was a narc first and foremost but he also had substance abuse problems (if you were a narc wouldn't you want to escape from yourself somehow?) Substance abuse is apparently pretty common among a subset of personality disorders, Ns included. I do believe that some people have had relatively healthy upbringings, happen across a narc and end up in the same place that we all did. I'm not one of those people and I had to look hard at my codependent tendencies after the relationship ended. Wish it has been the first time I had lived my life around a toxic man - but it wasn't. I looked for a codependent's anonymous meeting in my area - it was too far. So I tried al-anon and it has been great. I also got individual therapy and started exercising - I had a whole mishmash of things I did, every week, for me to get the focus back on my life. But the beauty of a 12-step program is that it's progressive. One step at a time. One idea at a time. Al-anon is about recognising that someone else's sickness isn't about you - but that it affects you. And it's a great, structured way, for me, to go about undoing that damage. Not for everybody and until recently I wouldn't have posed about it :-) but it's changing my life and my reactions to all kinds of things and it's virtually free of charge. Curly x

Holy cow, that is the most INTELLIGENT question you could have asked!!! When I first got rid of my N, I couldn't afford therapy either. I was eating out of a food bank so what money I did have could be spent on hay and grain for the farm critters. All I had was a support forum and an internet connection. I couldn't even buy the books everyone was talking about. So I was on that support forum like hours a day. A true addict. I got up to 5000 something posts in two years. Being there held me up, validated me, and supported me while I crawled back out, got my life better so I could get back into therapy. In practical terms, I've learned that all you need is WILLINGNESS to get better, to become healthier. You need a degree of honesty with yourself that doesn't shrink away and go into denial. You need a community of like minded supporters (like us) who reinforce to you over and over again that you are valuable, worthwhile and lovable. To keep you from going into the pits of self disgust, to give you perspective and to know you aren't alone. You need to be KIND TO YOURSELF. Stop punishing yourself, stop hating yourself, stop devaluing yourself. Take this one on faith. You need to figure out what other people you believe are healthy DO in their relationships and lives. How they behave in bad times. How they maintain their dignity. Ask them. You have to be willing to see yourself as having had choices all along, even in the darkest hours. This will empower you to make better choices in the future. All of these things are all around us, all the time. And except for the internet connection and the gas to get to a meet up, they are pretty much free. Healing and growth are an attitude you have in yourself. They aren't "done unto you" by some therapist or savior.

Something that helps me is my art. When I feel what I feel I'll grab a piece of paper/canvas and/or the likes and create something. Once I took an old ugly lamp and hotglued beads and such on it. Sometimes I'll "Spring Clean" something, even if all it is is one closet or drawer I'll clean it. Another time I went through my closet and dresser. I tried everything on and if it didn't fit... out it went :) Audios also help me when I don't feel like doing anything at all but don't want it quiet either. Just a few ideas I hope help. ~~~~~ “The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don’t give them,” --she said, (taken from my final remarks in a Sync Weekly Magazine article about my art and mySelf :)

I'm new to this site and in England too, which doesn't even recognise NPD...really, nobody seems to have heard of it over here :( We have No psychiatrists to turn to, our friends and families think we are losing it. I think that we are the only ones that can get ourselves through this. All I have is this site to turn to, thank goodness it's here else I probably would have lost the plot by now. I've ordered some books that have been recommended to me, but they are going to take weeks to arrive as they have to be shipped over. I'm in such early stages of recovery that I really shouldnt even be offering advise, so take this with a pinch of salt, it's just that I think we have the tools to do this by ourselves...they do say the best things in life are free, and we ARE the best, that is why the N's chose us in the first place. Look deep inside yourself and remember the person you were before all this happened, or if this happened so long ago that you have forgotten the person you were then Reinvent yourself as the person you would like to be. We were always told as children that we could accomplish anything we set our minds to, I didn't believe it then but I'm starting to now. Do the things that make you happy, pamper yourself, don't put other people's needs before your own for a while, concentrate on you. Hey, and carry on venting, I think that is what I have just been doing, feels good LOL