No Future

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Jul 12 - 10PM (Reply to #13)
Jodie
Jodie's picture

Suzanne

My N used to say, "We are not keeping up with the Joneses. We ARE the Joneses." we had a viper, mercedes, charger, half million dollar home and 30k ring. He took ALL of the money I made and we were flat broke living paycheck to paycheck. It was all about image to him. It was so obvious too. Out therapist told him he cared more about the things in the house than his own wife. My husband made me sell everything in my apt before we bought our home so that we could buy everything knew. After we got married and I'd threaten to leave he would say, "You came with nothing and you'll leave with nothing!" I was always amazed by that comment considering the fact that he made me sell all my belongings prior to moving in with him. Twisted. "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jul 12 - 10PM (Reply to #14)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Stuff

Jodie, From what your describe is what many financial counselors then later bill collectors would call “living outside your income”. Funny (not really) how this work so well with a person who is themselves outside of themselves. Please allow me to explain. Those of a pathological life style see external and objectification as who they are. In short what you see is what I am. Having little or no real true self internally want “things/objects” that will hold together what they believe they really are. Why all this need for the “big house” expensive cars and toys? Because it tell others “oh see what a good successful person I am”. This explains why many psychologist refer to these type of people as external. They live a existence of show and display. Attack their feeling (I know, what feeling?) no big deal but just try too attack their ego then please in God’s name WATCH OUT!!! Jodie, I have a belief that we all get what we want in the end. But that’s the rub because many times what we want isn’t what we need... http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Jul 12 - 10PM (Reply to #15)
Jodie
Jodie's picture

James

So true. We absolutely lived way above our means and u begged him not to get that Viper. Now that I've left him I have NO clue how he is affording anything bc I paid for most if it! I think he mentioned claiming bankruptcy, but don't worry about that bc his parents will bail him out as usual. Yes he is very grandiose in his image and loved presenting all his material possessions to the world because objects are what defines him. He admitted to feeling void on the inside. That's why if I ever broke anything I would get physically abused. The neighbors never had a clue.... "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jul 13 - 12AM (Reply to #16)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Shame on U & Shame on me

Jolie, Crazy when what we own something like a TV and that become more important then the one who watches it with you. Crazy when it's more important to what we are wearing then looking at someone and seeing what they are wearing. Crazy when we don't see others as people but see only an object to be used and abused... CRAZY and SCARY...STILL SAD BUT TRUE... http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Jul 13 - 2AM (Reply to #17)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

another memory

because I have PCOS (I become severely symptomatic at age 9) I used to get very sick... I had bladder failure at age 7 too... one night I was getting over some horrible flu and I started to feel sick at the dinner table... as I got up to run to the bathroom I didn't make it and threw up on the rug... I started to pass out and as I was going down I heard NMother scream "MY RUG MY RUG!!!" My Father called for an ambulance, I came around just before the ambulance came and NMother was STILL wailing about HOW she was going to get that our of HER RUG!!! The Rug was spotless when I came home 36 hours later. I was told I was a "burden" because my illnesses were "costing her money." ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 13 - 11AM (Reply to #18)
Jodie
Jodie's picture

Barbara

What a sick and selfish mom u had! How traumatizing for a little girl. Makes my blood boil for you. One time before we were married I was lying in his bed crying, very upset about something. My nose started bleeding and he started yelling "Get up! What the f are you doing?! It looks like someone was SHOT! You have blood everywhere! This wouldnt have happened if you didnt get so worked up!!!" he threw me out of the bed, i started passing out on the floor and he started ripping the sheets off the bed and scrubbing his mattress while i was on the floor. "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jul 13 - 1PM (Reply to #19)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

narc parent

that's a typical narc for you - all about appearances. My late NMom had plastic covers on some of the furniture and wanted the house IMMACULATE at all times. It was clean clean clean... but she would NEVER allow anyone in. EVER!!! The one time I had friends over she made the SOOOO uncomfortable they all left (saying "now we see why you never have us over") My late Dad never got that she did this until they retired. He asked a friend of his to come over and meet him at the house - my Mother made the guy STAND ON THE TINY PORCH for 20 minutes in 90degree temperature. My Dad was mortified - I told him "Dad - welcome to my childhood!" My mother ONLY let someone sleep over if they were a potential boyfriend for me!!!! She wanted me married off so fast - she introduced me to a stream of GAY MEN at her office saying I could "reform" them. I made friends with most of them - to her horror! Yes, this is why I tell co-parents DO WHATEVER YOU CAN TO GET SUPERVISED VISITATION AND MINIMIZE THE AMOUNT OF TIME YOUR N SPENDS AROUND YOUR CHILDREN!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 12 - 7PM (Reply to #12)
Amy
Amy's picture

Suzanne

I have a friend with a similar issue... Her husband transfers money to an account for her when bills need to be paid. Rarely a dime more than the bills. He doesn't want her working full time, but she pays for groceries and stuff. So crazy! Just another form of control.
Jul 9 - 10PM
grossot
grossot's picture

Hhhmmmm.....

This explains why my N would not commit to buying a house when we were living with my parents after his deployment. "Its not right for us". He didn't like any house. Then I got pregnant and we had no choice. I remember thinking 'we never would have moved if I hadn't gotten pregnant. At least he realized we had to have room for the baby. I ended up settling for a house he like because of who it was near. Oooh I could kick myself. So glad I have you girls to make things evident. I'm happy that we've all "gotten out". Keep venting gals! Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet; for everyone is fighting some kind of battle - anonymous- :o) nolongercontrolled
Jul 9 - 9PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

sassyredhead

Do you know the Kelly Clarkson song SINCE U BEEN GONE? Here's the lyrics I want to point out to you: How come I'd never hear you say I just wanna be with you Guess you never felt that way There is no future with an N - they live IN THE MOMENT. They would never talk about tomorrow or the future because they are making it all up as they go along. Who knows what they will want, say or do tomorrow... and they have no intention of being held down to it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jul 9 - 8PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

oh yes

He sure did! And right, in the seduction or honeymoon periods, the talk about the future, what a great life you can have together, and we can do this, and that, and blah, blah, blah. But when they know they've got you, they are very evasive when it comes to questions about the future. I got a lot of, 'well, we'll see...' Of course, this kept me on edge, and he knew it. We both loved dogs and I eventually wanted to get one together. He kept saying, let's wait until things are more settled, it's not a good time. Translation: I don't know how long I'll be around, so you might not want to be too hasty in that kind of decision. He also talked a lot about getting married and details until we got within 2 months of actually doing it...suddenly, he didn't want to discuss it, he always had some excuse. I found myself acting extra excited about plans to see if he join in. I was so disappointed and devastated that he no longer seemed to share my enthusiasm. I hated this constant push-pull thing we did. I'm indifferent to him, he's mr. romance....I act needy, he's mr. couldn't care less... BASTARDS!!!
Jul 9 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
finallydone
finallydone's picture

OMG!!!

I can't believe this.... mine would say that exact same thing "it's not the right time" ALL THE F'ING time!!!!! And the reason this one got me from Quietude is because one of those times has said it about a dog. I waited 4 YEARS TO GET A DOG. He loved dogs, his mother said he loved dogs, my son desperately wanted a dog and I could afford a dog. So when he left me the time before the LAST time.... I told him I was going to adopt a dog. He said great! Then he came back and we talked more about the dog... still said, "well you seem to have your heart set on it." My son was ecstatic... I thought I had carefully stroked N's ego and made him part of the "decision" and the VERY MORNING I was getting ready to go to the humane society to get the dog I had already looked at ahead of time (so I didn't get my son's hopes up too much in case the dog wasn't what we thought) he calls me into the bedroom and says "are you actually going to go get this dog??!! I do not have time to help take care of a dog and you don't have any respect for me doing this against my wishes." OMG WAS I HURT AND PISSED ALL AT THE SAME TIME. My child was sitting out on the couch literally waiting to go, all excited and I knew he could hear this conversation and his heart was surely breaking and I thought, "There is no way I'm letting him down and giving into this ASSHOLE!" So I damn well went and got the dog! And boy did I pay.... he ignored the dog for awhile and then he finally did warm up... but if the dog had an accident in the kitchen where I kept her during the day when I went to work (and he made her stay in there even if he was home because he wasn't cleaning up after the dog because HE'S A BUSY MAN AND HE ALREADY TOLD ME HE WASN'T TAKING CARE OF THE DOG! Oh yeah... no future plans and any that were made were always ruined... trips, attempts to plan weekends together, the dog, even the house itself. I had to wait years to get anything I wanted and when I finally did get it, it was always despite him and because I could afford it myself. Waited 6 years to get bedroom furniture... it wasn't the right time. So I bought it myself finally when he had left one time. And he got mad at me because I was spending money on something besides his precious entertainment career. I waited four years to buy my first house... the conversation went something like, "Baby. I can now afford it and I want to put my son in a house instead of an apartment. If you don't want to make that kind of financial committment I understand and you I'll buy the house and you can just come with me and pay rent like you do now with the apartment if that makes you feel more comfortable." So he says, "Oh... so you don't want to buy a house with me????!!!!" And I say, "No of course I do, I just don't want to pressure you." So finally he gives in, but the whole loan was done with my income alone because he couldn't be bothered to fill out the forms they wanted. And on and on and on. So forever after, whenever something broke down in the house - it was then a PIECE OF SHIT according to him. But oh my... if his family came to visit he would show off the place like it was a palace and a friend of his painted a picture of it from a photograph and called it Casa de Hollywood or House of Hollywood (because Hollywood was his nickname don't ya know). OH I AM SO MAD TONIGHT AND THIS THREAD HELPED ME LET IT OUT SOME TOO! WHAT AN ASS HE WAS AND HOW STUPID WAS I TO PUT UP WITH ALL THAT CRAP. Well... I now own the house all by myself and my son has his dog and I'm now going to bed in my beautiful bedroom with my lovely furniture. And he can go F himself!!! Whew tht felt realllyyyyy good!
Jul 9 - 10PM (Reply to #6)
sassyredhead
sassyredhead's picture

WOW!

Your story struck such a chord with me! The dog and house stories! During the first year of our marriage, before he discovered the internet, we talked about adopting a greyhound. That was something we planned to do once we bought a house. [I guess he actually did make a future plan for something with me - lol.] So, we bought our house and lived there for a couple of years. I then asked if we could move forward with the plans for adopting the greyhound. He went along with the plans - until we actually brought the dog home. Then, he announced that he never wanted the dog in the first place and he wasn't taking care of it. I had to do EVERYTHING! To make matters worse, the dog had anxiety issues and had accidents and got me up at 2 AM every day to take her outside. It was h*ll. It finally got so bad, I had to give the dog back to the adoption group. Thankfully, the situation she is in now is much, much better for her... but that was a hideous experience for myself and my daughter. And the house! According to NH, it was me that wanted this house. He, like your N, constantly refers to the house as a piece of sh*t and said he wished we had never bought it and he didn't want the house in the first place. But again, like your N, he will do yard work and show it off when people come over. WTF? And may I just say how happy I am for you that everything worked out with the house for you!!!! I know that was a painful experience in and of itself, but you handled yourself beautifully, and like you said, your son has his dog and you have your house! :)
Jul 9 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

amazing

Not only are our ex's behaviors similar, our stories are almost identical down to even details! It's very freaky. But also very validating to know I'm not the only one who has faced some of this! finallydone...ugh! What an ass. They do make you WAIT for everything, don't they?? I am so glad you're in your nice peaceful home now, with a happy child and doggie...that was a very nice ending (or beginning~!) to that story! sassyredhead...Again, I can relate! That jerk happily went along with me many times to the SPCA to play with the dogs on the weekend, making me think we were collaborating on a precious new 'family member' when he was actually just going through the motions. They are liars, contract breakers, and non-committal WACKO'S!!!
Jul 9 - 10PM (Reply to #8)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

As I try to tell everyone

the fact that these guys are so similar means its PATHOLOGY. Pathology is another name for ILLNESS - illness that follows a pattern. Like certain illnesses they have similar patterns. In human dysfunction (narcissism, psychopathy) this comes out at SAME behavior, words, reactions, actions, etc. So don't ever make the mistake of trying to figure them out as if they were NORMAL. You never will. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jul 9 - 8PM
Amy
Amy's picture

Similar....

Oh yes Sassyredhead! Very similar. He would actually talk about getting married every once in a while. Then he would FREAK OUT. If I ever talked about it, it was pressure! AND, once when we broke up for 4 months, he came back STRONG and said he wanted to get married. I put in another year and a half before I left for good. So 4.5 wasted years total! He would talk about cars he was going to buy, things, stuff, etc. Occasionally stuff for the 2 of us, but rarely. When I talked about selling my house and buying another, he would get pissed because I wasn't "focusing on us". Psycho asshole!
Jul 9 - 8PM
neveragain
neveragain's picture

You GO Girl!

Hey, Devoured....keep venting, PLEASE....it's like I'm venting right along with you! N's don't talk about the future UNLESS they're in the "Seduction" phase of the entrapment process. They'll totally talk about the Castles in the Sky that they want to share with you. As long as they know that it's probably too soon for YOU, they'll talk about living together and making a life together....blah, blah, blah. In actuality, AS SOON AS you are saying to yourself, "Hey, yeah....I think this guy is for REAL and I just might think about co-habitating with him"....and THEN you make the fatal mistake of saying that OUT LOUD....it's like a switch is flipped....NO MENTION of ANY future together after that. They're all full of hot air....actually, they're all full of shit....just plain old unadulterated Shit. neveragain
Jul 9 - 7PM
devoured_soul (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

RUN LIKE THE WIND! OMG, I

RUN LIKE THE WIND! OMG, I SHIT EVERY TIME I READ ONE OF THESE POSTS! I ACTUALLY GASPED OUT LOUD WHEN I READ YOURS! MY EX N DID THAT ALL THE TIME UNLESS HE WAS TRYING TO ROPE ME BACK IN AFTER A BREAK UP OR IF HE FELT ME GETTING SICK OF HIS SHIT! HE WOULD TALK ABOUT THE FUTURE OF HIM ONLY...."I'M GONNA BUY THIS HOUSE" "I'M LOOKING FOR A HOUSE" WHEN MY HOUSE WENT INTO FORECLOSURE, I DISCUSSED MY FEAR OF POTENTIALLY HAVING TO LIVE IN A SIBLING'S BASEMENT AND HIS COMMENT? "WELL, AS LONG AS YOU'RE SAFE". (MIND YOU, THIS IS A YEAR DOWN INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP AND HE KNEW I'D HAVE TO GIVE UP MY DAUGHTER'S BELOVED GERMAN SHEPHARD CUZ MY SIBLINGS ALL HAVE DOGS AND/OR CATS AND/OR REAL SMALL HOUSES). SO A YEAR OUT AND ALL HE'S GOT IS "AS LONG AS YOU'RE SAFE"? I WON'T EVEN MENTION THAT HE'S LOADED AND PAID MY MORTGAGE FOR QUITE SOME TIME AND THEN JUST STOPPED EVEN THO I NEVER STOPPED "DOING WHAT I WAS DOING" IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I'M SO SICK OF THESE LOUSY MF'S. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM. IF YOU ARE NOT A TOPIC IN HIS FUTURE, TELL HIM TO GO FUCK HIMSELF...GOD, I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PISSED!!! (PLEASE PARDON MY FRENCH)