No Future

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#1 Jul 9 - 7PM
sassyredhead
sassyredhead's picture

No Future

Anyone else's N avoid talking about the future? Seems to me that to have hopes and dreams and plans for future life together and things you want to do together is normal. My NH avoids talking about the future like the plague. He has no plans and acts like every time I bring something up, it's utterly news to him - like he never heard me talk about hopes and dreams for us before... What is that about?

Jul 17 - 2PM
neveragain
neveragain's picture

Paper Towel Roll Song

Every time I finish a roll of paper towels, I take the cardboard tube, look through it and go, " 'N's WORLD!, 'N's WORLD!" and dance around the kitchen. All these posts from all you describe every single annoying, frustrating and baffling thing about my ex-N. He was rigid in his schedule and eating habits yet comPLETEly unable to make any plans. He wouldn't commit to ANYthing that might interfere with his surfing. His world was eensy beensy teeny tiny. I got bored. neveragain
Jul 16 - 8PM
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

re: no future

Wow I couldn't even get my N to commit to plans the next day! He would call at the last minute say 7.00pm on a Friday night and say "what you up to need to see you" by 2am I gave up on the fact that I would actually see him. This has helped to know they don't really have a concept of time plus I guess this is part of their selfishness. I don't know any normal person that would ask to see someone then not show up or even bother to text and say I can't come. Do they enjoy doing this to us? Do they get pleasure on being cruel deliberately or is this kind of thing more of he didn't think or care?
Jul 16 - 8PM (Reply to #47)
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ps

it's like he couldn't sleep well either? He was up at all hours sometimes, emailing and messaging on a work night at 3am
Jul 16 - 8PM (Reply to #46)
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ps

it's like he couldn't sleep well either? He was up at all hours sometimes, emailing and messaging on a work night at 3am
Jul 16 - 8PM (Reply to #44)
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ps

it's like he couldn't sleep well either? He was up at all hours sometimes, emailing and messaging on a work night at 3am
Jul 16 - 10PM (Reply to #45)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

sleep and the pathological

I bet he was looking for a freebie (sex). Psycho-Boy did that to me a LOT. When no one else or new prey wasn't around - I was the one who'd always say yes, apparently. (Until I got wise to what he was doing - using me like a whore) many [pathologicals] need much less sleep than normal people, lack of sleep is likely to catch up with her. The [pathological] consistently keeps her awake, calls her at all hours, demanding her (the victim)'s company while he watches TV, picks fights, or wants marathon sex. Her diet, exercise, down-time, spiritual practices, and friendships all go by the wayside while her stress levels increase. The fast-paced lifestyle contributes to a total deterioration in her health. Her physical exhaustion can greatly increase her emotional fatigability. She is now unable to hold her ground against the [pathological], and despite the exhaustion, she remains hypnotized, fixated on his extraverted, highly exciting persona. - Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 12 - 9PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Toxic

so you take his a** to court for spousal support, child support and I BET you get the house too!! Get RID of this toxic slime! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 12 - 3PM
Jodie
Jodie's picture

Mine lived on a very, very

Mine lived on a very, very stringent routine schedule that absolutely could not be interfered with. Everything was an itinerary to him. Wake up, run, cereal, shower, work, gym, home, back to gym, video games, bed. This schedule repeated itself day in and day out, day in and day out. There was no room for me or my plans in that marriage. I was too busy neglecting what I wanted to do so I could get a few bones thrown my way when he had time for me. "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jul 12 - 5PM (Reply to #39)
jenn99 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

...

thats interesting...mine was the same way-- on a set ridiculous annoying schedule/routine..and nothing could deviate from that...but it involved nothing...wake up , do this that whatever, dinner around 5:00 a show at 6:00..video games--seems that childish habit they can't surpass...go to bed at this time....and yes try making plans and you mess it all up...claimed he took sleeping pills adn couldn't sleep with anyone yet would sleep with prostitutes when he had them over...just not his 'gf'...it's odd how they stick by their boring strange 'routines' yet they hate boredom but seek to destroy it by creating extreme chaos in situations and relationships along with unpredictability and abuse since that is all 'excitement' to them...they have no room for others...and if you try to stick yourself in their situations they find you a 'pain in the ass' and try to eject you...even while mine lived with me, there was rarely doing anything together...mostly them watching, movies, tv, video games or doing their own thing....even weirder the n would constantly project "you're on your routine and you dont want anyone to interfere with it" "i come into your life and interfere with your routine" um no idiot...i dont have a routine, that's you...
Jul 12 - 6PM (Reply to #40)
Jodie
Jodie's picture

jenn99

Mine had to take sleeping pills too, every single night...I forgot to mention that was part of his routine. And yes, we lived together but he never wanted me around. Before he put video games in he would ask me to leave the room so he could "be alone." "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jul 13 - 1AM (Reply to #41)
jenn99 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

...

thats very strange and interesting...wonder if they were a result of medical conditions, mine claimed it was...but yes they just want to be left alone and delve in their own isolation or something strange...keep their mind busy playing games or with tv...it's hard to live with them or have much of any kidn of a relationship with them ..mine would do the same...would not come out to even watch tv with me and said if i wanted to watch tv i could ask permission to do it with him...after me sitting there for 30 mins he would want me to leave...there was rarely any spending time together and it was strange...even these days of not living together..there are periods of no seeing each other or no contact or as he finally says 'taking a break' and you're not sure what is going on...and then when they need you for something they'll call you in...as mine says "if i need a whore i'll call you"...which is stupid but that's how they seem to function...it's pretty sad..
Jul 11 - 12AM
Jodie
Jodie's picture

They live in the moment

They live in the moment ONLY. My N used to always say, "If and when that happens...." It was his favorite line. They have no sense of the future. They live in the present only; it's as if they have no past either. No memories, no dreams, no anything but "What can I do next?" "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jul 12 - 11AM (Reply to #28)
better off
better off's picture

when "the future" is this afternoon

Living in the moment, truly means, THE moment. I have always (at his suggestion) attributed this behavior to my NH's ADD. But I see it now as much more of a passive-aggressive N trait. Refusing to commit to ANY course of action, and certainly keeping others off-balance by doing so. Here is just a little example of N-speak conversation. See if this sounds familiar. Yesterday, we had so many activities going on, NH says we'll take the kids to the pool for the afternoon today (sunday) and just lay around. Now I know he changes his mind incessantly, so I don't really "plan" on doing things, I just mentally pencil them in as possible. So this morning, I am taking a bath, and I call out to him. (Well I had to call out about 3 times before he'd respond, with What??) Me: Hey, are you still planning on going to the pool today? NH: Why?? Me: It's a yes or no question. NH: Right now I'm just laying on the couch, I'm tired. Me: But are you still thinking about going later? NH: Why? Me: Because if we're going swimming, I'm not going to do anything to my hair; if we are I'm going to wash it. NH: I'm happy right where I am right now. This is typical, "normal" conversation with him. Of course he never gave me an answer, and if I kept pushing it he would have exploded eventually. Of course there is no "later" there is only now, and how dare anyone make him stick to what he says, even when it's HIS CHOICE. He won't make one. I didn't fix my hair (because I just didn't feel like it), and I can promise you, if he thinks I think we're going to the pool, we won't go. But if I had finished up with doing my hair and putting on makeup he would suddenly want to go. Guaranteed. I think I'll just take the kids and go. ;P This is a petty example, I know, but seriously, 80% of our life is him being an obstinate child over petty things. The other 20% are big things.
Jul 17 - 1PM (Reply to #37)
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yes, this is familiar (and I

Yes, this is familiar (and I do not have children with mine yay!) In fact I used to give him the 24-hour validity rule. If it wasn't something planned if the first 24 hours of him saying it, I didn't hold my breath. Unless it was for him, like a sporting event or something he wanted to do. He is dating someone new who has a child. He tells me he is starting a 'new' realtionship with this girl and is going to make it monogomous. If he really thinks he can do it, then great. But then I think there is that little problem of him 'not following through' because mine 'lives in the moment' too and to a single mother with a small child, that will get old REAL quick, monogomy or not. Wait until she wants him to start going to the park with them or going to the movies or maybe she thinks he is so great he might help with homework......yeah, we'll see how monogomous he stays to her once THOSE demands start kicking in.
Jul 12 - 11PM (Reply to #36)
adeline (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

along with better off

Better off-- I can't even tell you how familiar your conversation scenario sounded. That's what got me the most about dealing with my N--he'd change his mind about things that were HIS idea in the first place. Literally, I could count on him for absolutely nothing...which is such a frustrating way for normal people to live their lives. And then you start feeling like you are walking on eggshells everytime you remind them of something they said in the first place because YES it meant you had expectations and a N really doesn't like expectation. Some of the time I honestly felt like it was a control thing...sometimes I felt like if I showed interest in following thru with something he suggested that he would pull back on purpose and change his mind on purpose, just to exert control. Maybe it really was that he just changed his mind in that moment...but so much of what he did felt deliberate and so I figured he was deliberate in that way, too. Anyway. Thanks.
Jul 12 - 5PM (Reply to #35)
jenn99 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

future with an n

I'm not sure if they aer trying to avoid it because they don't have any future plans realistically, but making plans with an N is always going to be on shaky ground and pointless because they are totally unpredictable...their plans change from one day or moment to the next and it's mostly about the moment...my n talks about future plans even proposes only to ditch and discard the next day, and the plans have completely disintegrated. what proposal...well he changed his mind for this and this reason...but then it'll come back..of course the proposal was never planned it came out of the blue and then left..abruptly.. they say one thing and they never to rarely fulfill it...making future plans with an N is like...futile and pointless...the moment something comes along or anything changes, they don't exist anymore...maybe the N's who aren't into talking about the future know what it all entails...there is nothing real in the future..also with an N there is nothing real there period…its this empty black hole of nothingness…kind of like their souls And who they are...one day it's this the next it's you dont' know what..and being with an N you come to realize that...so every single day can be traumatic because you have no clue what is going to happen, what you're going to do...what is going on period...they thrive on the unpredictability because they’re in control of the situation and you have none…so they can do what they want while you sit by confused shocked…unsure of what’s going on….and they can make their move..plan, do what they want…
Jul 12 - 1PM (Reply to #29)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

perfect example

a perfect example of how they live in the MOMENT and the MOMENT only!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 12 - 5PM (Reply to #30)
better off
better off's picture

Exactly! Who else answers a

Exactly! Who else answers a question about what they are doing LATER with what they are doing NOW? It's disordered thinking. Why not just say "I don't know." ?? And he will NEVER answer a question, any question, straight up. He cannot answer a yes or no question. He either asks another question (like "why?") or says something that has nothing to do with what you asked.
Jul 12 - 6PM (Reply to #31)
Amy
Amy's picture

better off

OMG.... "Why" was the answer to almost every question. When I would ask why he was asking why, he would turn it around (seemingly joking) and say "because you are probably planning to shop or something behind my back!" Nice.....
Jul 12 - 6PM (Reply to #32)
better off
better off's picture

Well, right, Amy, doesn't

Well, right, Amy, doesn't everyone have an ulterior motive for everything they say?? Says a lot about them, doesn't it?! They have to know "why" you are asking something so they can frame the answer properly...as opposed to just telling the truth.
Jul 12 - 6PM (Reply to #33)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ulterior motives

Well, right, Amy, doesn't everyone have an ulterior motive for everything they say?? Says a lot about them, doesn't it?! As Lisa & I talked about on this past weeks BlogTalkRadio show - they BELIEVE WHOLEHEARTED that EVERYONE thinks the way they do!!! EVERYONE. and when they find you don't - then YOU are the psycho. THEY ARE NOT NORMAL or HUMAN. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 12 - 7PM (Reply to #34)
Amy
Amy's picture

NO they are not

They are certainly not normal or human! I didn't really know he was an N at the time, and I used to think it was funny and when he would ask "Why?" I would just say "just because". Repeatedly.... I would wait until he was just about to blow before I would answer him. It was never anything nefarious. I was just trying to be funny. HA!
Jul 10 - 6PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

They can plan for themselves

They can plan for themselves but you aren't in the picture so it confuses him if you paint a picture about the future. they can plan graduate school, a year off, another job in a different city and not tell you until it happens. you will included if you will pay for it or he needs you to keep working so he can do whatever it is he is planning to do. they abuse and use but that's about the extent of it.
Jul 12 - 3PM (Reply to #22)
jenn99 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

the future

so true they only live in the moment...and only plan for themselves...you're lucky if somehow they 'let you in on their plans.' my n had never gone out of town on vacation or any place with me, and many months ago, out of the blue he calls and suddenly explains how he was on his way to south carolina on vacation...and in ga...and kept saying 'you should be happy for me.' um excuse me...we've never gone anywhere in 2 yrs and u go on vacation without me..what..then b4 he reaches his destination...he says that i was pressuring him to come back, which i wasn't..told him to go ahead..so b4 reaching his spot...he turns around drives 100's of miles back, and blames me for 'ruining his vacation' and claims he's coming all the way back 'for me'..comes back 'allows' me to spend 24 hrs with him then says...u spent 24 hrs with me u shud be sick of me now...and kicks me out...but when it comes to plans...there are none..ever...not daily, not momentarily, weekly..nothing...you can't say "hey let's go to the beach"...because it will change..if you say "hey you said this" they will say "PLANS CHANGE and u never go with CHANGES"...they will plan incessantly ridiculously and not tell u about it and when u deviate from it...will freak out because they can't control it...accuse you of being a control freak with plans and get rid of you b/c things didn't go their way...hey never stick by their word of anything they say...and never plan for the future and if they do i wuold run the other way b/c it wont come to pass
Jul 12 - 3PM (Reply to #23)
Jodie
Jodie's picture

Jenn99

They are all the same. When I separated from my NH he decided to take a trip to Prague to "relax" . Are u serious?!?! It was within the first 2 months when everything about our marriage separation was very, very sensitive. His response, "Why can't you just be happy for me for once?" they are sick. "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jul 12 - 10PM (Reply to #26)
liselotte
liselotte's picture

just after break-up

Mine went on a tight schedule of marathon training, he ran two marathons, went to Pamplona to do the bulls run, organised a big work barbecue, did a red beret course (very heavy multiple weeks combat training) and he organised a stag do for one of his friends. All this in the first six months after our break-up. When I was in bed most of the time, crying about what had happened.
Jul 12 - 5PM (Reply to #24)
jenn99 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

so true

yeah that is very true jodie..that's sad and they have no sensitivity towards anyone or anything, only what they want for themselves...they don't care about who they affect...‘relax’…they always need to ‘relax’ and they do traumatic things to upset you and say “why can’t you just be happy for me’…classic lines by them…it’s sad…they also like unpredictability…and chaos…so plans are always changing…..they really truly do not care...abotu anyone else because it's all about them their needs and feelings and stomp anyone who's in their path or in their way...even my close relative is married I believe to a narcissist, and after a year of marriage he is raedy to bail for no reason wont give anyone an explanation...he almost set it all up it was strange...but on the outside they seemed so perfect, but appearances can be deceiving when dealign with these jerks
Jul 12 - 6PM (Reply to #25)
Amy
Amy's picture

jenn99

WOW! "Why can't you just be happy for me?" I remember that one! Before we broke up, the ex was complaining about money (Mind you, he made roughly $300k). Kept saying he was getting rid of his BMW at the end of the lease and buying a used Chevy Impala. I thought he was being responsible, but in reality he was just being a martyr. He din't want to have to buy an engagement ring. So.... 3 months after the breakup - in fact the weekend he saw me with another guy and flipped out, which included him saying "he's a car salesman and he probably doesn't even make as much as you do!" (in reality the guy is a GM for a BMW dealership - which the ex knows - and makes more money than the ex). SOOOO after him telling me we just shouldn't talk anymore (during his apology call) WHICH IS WHAT I HAD REPEATEDLY TOLD HIM, he calls back and we have this conversation: him: "I forgive you. Oh by the way, I bought a Mercedes S550 AMG pckg." me: "what happened to the Impala?" him: "You know I can't drive an Impala". Me: "So you really aren't having money issues." him: (agitated) "I had a couple of good investments." me: "ok. whatever. It really isn't my business anyway." him: "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME???" me: "I really just don't care, but I find it ironic that you YELLED at me when you saw my new LV bag!" him: "You have a son and responsibilities, blah blah, blah...." In reality, he bought a Benz because it is part of his image - he thinks he is Tony Soprano. As my dad would say "It's about time you left him. That f*cking guy thinks he is Tony f*cking Soprano." (sorry - grew up in Jersey! LOL!) So anyway, I just didn't care but got the classic WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME line. He was never happy for me. Not ever.
Jul 12 - 3PM (Reply to #21)
Jodie
Jodie's picture

Carolyn

So true about planning for the future but not including you in it. I found emails from a very reputable defense service that wanted my husband to be a body guard for important political figures in DC, we live in Baltimore. These emails went back and forth for awhile and my N even sent his resume. Never mentioned it to me once, thought "it wasn't a big deal." not a big deal if he's traveling out of the country? Ha! "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jul 10 - 7AM
suzanne
suzanne's picture

Hmmm.could be why there has

Hmmm.could be why there has been a wedding dress hanging in my closet for 8 years, we have been together 17...with kids. OH, but I do live in a 1/2 million dollar home...THANK YOU DEAR, at least we LOOK like we have it all. LOOK at my beautiful wife and kids...don't you envy me? How about my successful business? I had my best year in the middle of a recession, who cares if I watch my friends and family suffer financially, I AM LOADED! YEAH ME! So what if my spouse has massive credit card debt to feed my family cause I won't give her money, I AM LOADED and she is not entitled to anything because I never married her! OMG, reality effing bites! Slight vent...I totally needed that!