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Setback

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#1 Sep 14 - 10AM
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

Setback

Had a nasty setback last weekend but one. On the previous Wednesday, at 5.30am, he sent me a text which was intended for a guy friend. It said "Dude I am exhausted. Can we do the tickets tonight in the pub? Cheers, (name)" Then 30 seconds later another text to me "Oops apologies, (name) x"

He has done this before - sent me texts which are intended for someone else. Always male buddies though, thank God. I vaguely heard the phone beeping in my sleep but didn't really wake up. When I did, I texted him back "What tickets?" He replied that they were tickets to a sporting event in his home city.

This made me so ill, because way back in Feb, when we were still together, he booked four tickets for this same sport, one for each of us, one for my dad (who's a big fan of this sport) and one for his mum (ditto). They were booked for May but we never went because he dumped me in March. It's a lovely day out - you watch the sport, have a picnic and champagne and go partying afterwards.

I felt SO SICK in case he was intending to bring the new whore to this event when it should have been ME and my dad last May. I couldn't shake the feeling of nausea and dread all weekend. It didn't help that the weather was beautiful. I really wanted to text and ask if he was taking her to this event but I restrained myself. I mean, I would have felt so much sicker if he had said yes.

I still cannot BELIEVE he has taken up with someone as dull and plain as her and would rather be with someone like that than someone like me. It just wrecks my head.

Sep 19 - 9AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

funsize

I totally empathize with your sick feeling finding out about his plans without you. I will never forget the great times the narc and I had at the air and water show in Chicago--until the year after his foster child came. That year, he lied to me and said he had to work and couldn't go. He and his child came over for pizza that night and the child told me they had been on the narc's friend's boat at the air show all day. There is absolutely no way to describe this feeling. None. Its' the closest thing to your heart being cut out and served to you on a plate.
Sep 14 - 10AM
Used
Used's picture

funsize

i got in a temper when i read this against him! those texts were met for you to see you are ment to get them, i am gritting my teath as i am doing this, thats why he puts men names. the womans names will be when you dont respond. the tickets to the sporting event was what you were ment to get to be hurt and reply and you did, i had to write this all again cos i feel so enraged, i messed it all up. n used to do this to his ex, have you got the tickets for holiday mate. all lies all rubbish, when he told me this i said oh you are a bit of a saddo then, he didnt do it to me cos i knew the score.even when he bought the 4 tickets in the beginning he knew he wouldnt be going with you and your family. please please dont answer this scumbags texts anymore. its all planned. its a good job i am a peaceloving person. lol cos i would wish rotten stinking luck on that arsehole.
Sep 14 - 11AM (Reply to #22)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

used...

Wow, that sounds so similar. I just don't get one thing though - if they really want to get a rise out of you, why don't they just go ahead and send you a fake text fake-intended for the new whore? That is 100% guaranteed to make you feel like shit, whereas putting a bloke's name is not anywhere near as bad? What do you think? Did yours move on to sending fake texts addressed to other women? And I can't believe he ADMITTED to you that he used to do this to his ex! Unbelievable. What, did he think you were going to like him MORE because of that? Delusional.
Sep 14 - 12PM (Reply to #23)
Used
Used's picture

funsize

b/c we were just freinds he would tell me things like you tell a mate. so i knew what i was dealing with but he didnt.
Sep 14 - 12PM (Reply to #24)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

No, my question was: why do

No, my question was: why do they bother pretending they're sending the text to a male friend? Why not go for the jugular and pretend they're texting some other woman and send it to us instead? Any thoughts anyone?
Sep 14 - 2PM (Reply to #28)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Because he has to set you up first

Get you on neutral ground..."Oh, this is benign, a sheer accident, see he's not really doing anything"...reel you in. Then once you're reeled in, they can really "give it to ya!"...sick bastards!
Sep 14 - 1PM (Reply to #25)
Used
Used's picture

funsize

i wrote my story about me and him, when i was answering you and i was so shocked by what i wrote i deleted the whole lot and had to make my self a cup of tea, when the boards private i will do it then, i was so amazed what was in my head. anyway your question, he texts about mto "men", cos he doesnt want to piss you off 2 much, so you will responed . which you did, cos he knows you he will play it like that, if you dont responed he thinks oh so she isnt bothered. right we will see about that and thats when he will take them up another leveland probley text with womens name. n used to call me by his gf name, once i knew about her. i totally ignored it, so he took that up another level, unfortunatly i didnt ignore that. so i had showed what i would react to and what i wouldnt. big mistake on my part, even bigger on his cos thats when i knew i was done.to get any peace you have to block them totally.
Sep 14 - 5PM (Reply to #26)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

Michelle and Used, makes

Michelle and Used, makes sense I suppose. They don't want to piss you off too much. But if they want to contact you, why not just contact you and be upfront and a man about it, instead of this stupid stuff? I was 50/50 on whether to reply to the "tickets" text at all, but I figured that it was benign enough because he was talking to a bloke. Used, I didn't mean to upset you so much with my post - I really didn't realise other people had experienced the whole fake text thing. Were you just mates with yours, or in a relationship?
Sep 18 - 1PM (Reply to #27)
Used
Used's picture

funsize

it was freinds but it was toxic!!
Sep 14 - 10AM
cluelessuntilnow
cluelessuntilnow's picture

Setback

Hate to say it, but that was no accident. Sorry just my opinion but these guys who LIVE on their phones don't make mistakes. That was just a little jab at you. I can tell you personally I have received text "not meant for me" from my xN. It is his way of keeping a hold on you or making sure you are thinking of him. I know it sounds crazy, but it is one of the games they play.
Sep 14 - 1PM (Reply to #20)
nonnie
nonnie's picture

Ditto

As soon as I read your post, I immediately thought it was definitely intended for you but came across as an innocent accident! I don't think anything like this is ever "accidental". Just another way to keep hold of you and keep your thoughts on them and whatever other insane reasons they do the things they do!
Sep 14 - 11AM (Reply to #18)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Yep yep yep, cluesless is

Yep yep yep, cluesless is right. Its just a game to drive you insane. Been down this road. I did not respond to the content of the message but only to tell him that if he continued to play his childish game i would find someone to pay him a visit and remove his future texting ability's permanently! Stand firm girl! Let him know you mean business if this happens again and Dont let him play your emotions. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Sep 14 - 5PM (Reply to #19)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

Yeah Betty, I've ignored his

Yeah Betty, I've ignored his fake texts before. I even ignored a "real" one back in June I think, when he said "I hope all is well and you're ok" and a smiley face. I didn't reply that day and then he texted again that night "I hope you got my message". I responded late the next day with something very innocuous, asked him how he was, he said something about work and I didn't bother replying.
Sep 14 - 10AM (Reply to #14)
better off
better off's picture

Agree with both of you!!

Agree with both of you!! Like it just happened to be about an event he's going to? Right! He got funsize to think just what he wanted her to... what tickets?
Sep 14 - 10AM (Reply to #15)
cluelessuntilnow
cluelessuntilnow's picture

better off

Sad part is once you have experienced this, you recognize it immediately. It is a sort of mental mind game. He is trying make you think he is he is going on with my life without you, and doesn't think about you. The only reason he would text you would be by mistake. Such a crappy game, but the interesting part is their need to make you think about them. Ignore, ignore, ignore!
Sep 14 - 10AM (Reply to #16)
better off
better off's picture

Exactly! As always, it's

Exactly! As always, it's the opposite meaning in Backwards Land. I am thinking about you and worrying that you might not be thinking about me or you might be moving on, so I will pretend to accidentally text you and make you think I am fabulous and make you feel lonely. Now you will think I NEVER think about you and *I* am moving on. hahaha. I bet this gets you to text me back and think about me alllll day. Then I will have the new girl AND the old girl thinking about me. Maybe I can get the new girl jealous of the old girl... hmmmm
Sep 14 - 10AM (Reply to #17)
cluelessuntilnow
cluelessuntilnow's picture

Better off

And they just LOVE when they can text back and say sorry that wasn't for you. Riiightt.....I called my exN on that when he did this and I said you are such a liar and I laughed. The one thing we CANNOT let them do is make us doubt our own instincts which is exactly what games like this make you do. Trust your gut ladies!
Sep 14 - 10AM
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

PS I don't think the

PS I don't think the texting at 5.30am was necessarily intended to be abusive - he travels a lot for work and could have been stuck in some airport or other. But still - bit early to be texting your buddy?
Sep 14 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
better off
better off's picture

Oh sweetie, it most

Oh sweetie, it most certainly is intended to be abusive. Not because it was at 5:30, although they don't really care about anyone else's time or comfort. But he got JUST what he wanted. How did it make you feel? Sick. I don't ever believe these idiots when the claim they accidentally email or text you instead of someone else. It's a way to get a reaction, it's a way to rub it in, it's a way to just be a narc. I did read your story on the Share Your Story section. He is as textbook as they get. I find it interesting how blind we are to our own abuse, because it is common for people to say, I'm not sure, because my story "isn't that horrible" or isn't "as bad" as someone else's. Girl, your story IS horrible! It's horrible. What he did is horrible. And now you feel horrible and you're confused.. naturally. I had a similar experience... the sweeping off my feet, the joy, the wonder, and then the devalue and discard (or D&D for short). Them suddenly treating you like..."who do you think you are?" Like they have fucking amnesia. My heart went out to you when I saw the part where he said to you so dismissively "like I would have a baby with someone I've only known 6 months" when HE was the one who strung you along, HE was flying you to another COUNTRY to meet his family, when HE was doing everything under the sun to make you believe that is INDEED what he wanted. And then pull the rug out. It's diabolical. Some men don't want that and they don't PRETEND they do. To pretend, and then deny... it's sickening. It's unnecessary!! But they do it, and they do it without remorse. And they will do it again. I too found out I got thrown over for someone just less everything than me. Some days it made me feel better, some days it made me feel worse. But the important thing to get in your head is that you are nothing but an OBJECT to him. And that's all she is. He might like her lack of personality or looks because she will worship him more, be more grateful in his mind, that he would deign to date her. WHO KNOWS! THe point is she doesn't have anything you don't, she can't give something you can't... it's irrelevant. If it wasn't her, it would be someone else. In fact, it's mostly about OPPORTUNITY. His interest had expired, and it ALWAYS has an expiration date no matter what), and she just happened to be there. Wrong place wrong time (for her). It's important to understand that your relationship with him was doomed from the word go. You never had a chance. No one has a chance. He's a predator, a sweet talker that marks his prey, goes through this RIDICULOUS charade, and then moves on. It will never ever make sense. But you can come to some kind of peace realizing that there was not going to BE a happy ending. It's very painful, very very painful. But there was nothing you could have done differently. He is a narcissist.
Sep 14 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

And also, I think you're

And also, I think you're right about the less pretty new one - she will be INORDINATELY grateful that she managed to get him as a boyfriend.
Sep 14 - 5PM (Reply to #11)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

yes

I had this happen to me. He picked someone who was definitely not in his or my league. I think she felt thrilled that she was able to snag my boyfriend. I dont hate her anymore. She was just another victim.
Sep 18 - 11AM (Reply to #12)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

I asked him shortly after he

I asked him shortly after he started seeing her: "what do you see in her? She's not even pretty!". He had no answer. I could have said a lot more about how she's dull as ditchwater, insecure, etc etc, but I didn't want to come off like a TOTAL bitch....
Sep 14 - 11AM (Reply to #8)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

better off, you're right - I

better off, you're right - I do feel like a piece of crap who has been dismissed from his presence. And yes, he talked about babies a LOT and how he would bring them up, and how his dad would say to him that he (N) would be a great father because all he would have to do is the opposite of what his dad did. He mentioned their names at one point (his future kids). He knew what school he was sending any sons to. He would admire really together couples in airports who were dealing with kids acting up and managing to pacify them. And of course the big one was telling his work colleagues how our babies would be lawyers like me - AND THEN REPORTING THIS BACK TO ME IN A TEXT. When I confronted him with all this talk, plus the marriage talk, all he said was "That was then". That was then? It was a few frickin' months ago! And now suddenly we've slipped into some weird parallel universe where you can just pretend you never meant the stuff you said, or that you meant it at the time but now you don't give a crap? When I feel bad I am so angry that I wasted another precious year of my fertility with this guy. Naturally I was so thrilled whenever he would talk about babies because it seemed to indicate that he was really into the idea, same with marriage. I cannot negotiate a world where PEOPLE DON'T MEAN WHAT THEY SAY and change their minds every few months. Having the rug pulled out is EXACTLY what it felt like - when I didn't even know there was a rug there.
Sep 14 - 12PM (Reply to #9)
better off
better off's picture

Mine never raged at me

Mine never raged at me either.. he just got "confused." What.ever. He strongly pursued me (and I am MARRIED), did much of the same things you are talking about. Oh, how he would be a good stepfather to my kids, was all about how much he understood my oldest and would give me all kinds of advice. Wanted me to mother his girls since he convinced me their mother had completely ignored them all their lives, that they needed someone nurturing like me (altho he was also willing to send them away to boarding school). I had boys and he wanted to be involved in all their sports... told me "I needed a rich husband" to be able to send my son to the best prep school and college... Later it was like, well, gee, I mean you have KIDS and I'd basically be adopting your KIDS and I don't want to do THAT. He told me he could live anywhere as long as it was with me, that being together was so important, and that our lives would be so full and wonderful together and it didn't matter that I needed to stay where I am for the next 10 years... later it was like, well I can't live in Your City. Okay. I'm your soulmate but you can't live in this (ordinary) city? Yeah, that's a huge sacrifice. I have to go right now, but trust me, it's very confusing when they dont' really have a reason other than they just... go away. Then you find out the rest.
Sep 14 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

Thanks all

Thanks for all the replies - I'm amazed that others have gotten these "mistake" texts too. Actually, a really good male friend of mine, who was SO there for me the night I heard about xn and the new girl (and is most emphatically NOT a narc himself!), remarked that he thought those texts were intended to get my attention too. And this friend of mine has no axe to grind whatsoever - he's not after me, I'm not after him, we are just mates. This first happened back in April about a month after we had broken up. I knew N was at a gig he had bought tickets to while we were still together. No idea whether he ended up taking someone else. But yeah, around midnight I got a weird, cryptic text which I ignored, again addressed to a "dude". Then about a half hour later another text telling whoever it was that he was in a certain pub and to try and get in. Again I ignored it. I figured that those texts were meant for some male buddy (why do I say "some" like he had loads? He only had two, lol!) who he was replying to, and he had just hit my name in his contacts instead. But when I thought about it, I realised that it is IMPOSSIBLE to send a text to the "wrong" person when all you are doing is hitting "reply" as opposed to scrolling through your contacts! Then I knew they were accidentally-on-purpose meant for me. Well, he won't be getting any more replies. I suppose I still find it hard to believe that he might be an N because he pretty much stayed in charming mode right up until the end of our 8 months. I think there was no raging because he sensed that I wouldn't have put up with that kind of behaviour for one second. If he is trying to get my attention, it's in a very half-assed way, because these texts are only one a month or so. It's not like it's every night or whatever. But still, I am soooo glad I didn't respond - I was going to say something like "PLEASE tell me you are not taking her to the game. I feel sick to my stomach at the thought". I was out for drinks the night he would have been flying to London and I came sooooo close to sending this text once I had had a few drinks, but I remembered how sick a "yes I am" answer would make me, so I didn't send it. Thanks again all.
Sep 14 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

You obeyed the cardinal rule

Drinking and texting don't mix! Good for you for not responding and giving him the satisfaction.
Sep 14 - 12PM (Reply to #5)
The Girlfriend ...
The Girlfriend of Dr Jekyl's picture

Deliberate *Accidental* Texting

He knew exactly what he was doing! I know it is hard to comprehend that these guys will do stuff like this, but they do. In most cases, even if they leave you for other supply elsewhere...they seem to always want to keep their foot in the door. I agree with everyone above me here...he probably wanted you to wonder about him...Why was he 'so tired'?...Why was he up at 5:30am?...Where was he going?...And he wants you to imagine that he is out and about having 'drinks', going out to sports events, etc.etc....basically just wants to know he has you still thinking about him...even if you are broken up. It hurts to realize when these guys actually do this deliberately...it's as if they want us to hurt more...to feel left out and left behind. A normal man will NOT do this sort of thing! Normal guys do NOT hurt someone deliberately. I was told that a majority of Narcissists will do stuff like this...some worse than others...some are blatant and leave direct messages (like mine)...and others do it while pretending to have meant the message for someone else...(not so subtle once you catch on to them!) They enjoy causing a 'reaction'...of ANY kind in you. Cutting off any response to his 'test message' is the very best way for YOU to regain some control over the situation. Often, it drives them NUTS when you don't respond at all. If you don't text back, you probably will notice these 'messages' start happening more often...and eventually he may outright contact you again...try to give you some sort of 'hope'...and keep you on a string...they sometimes do this too! Don't fall for it. Things always get worse each time with these guys. BTW, Funsize, when you wrote about how much he talked about having a 'baby' and gave you every impression that you were heading down that road together...this is probably because he KNEW you wanted a baby SO much (they read us like a book and want to know so much about us at first, I was told that this is so they can know how best to manipulate us...to us it feels like they are SO interested and really care, hard to wrap our heads around that they actually gather info from us to manipulate and use our inner most desires and hurts against us later)...and they will use any bait they can to get us to 'fall' for them...promising a 'wonderful' future was all part of the facade. They really create a whole scenario and beautiful future of happy togetherness in our hearts and minds...they seem to be like your 'dream man'and they do everything possible for you to 'see' them this way, it's part of the 'spell'...these guys will paint such a pretty picture of your dreamy life with them (but then they shatter that dream into a nightmare by suddenly pulling the rug out from under you...and switching into 'Mr. Hyde')...it hurts so much to discover it was all part of the way they lure us and keep us at first,...Mine also started talking about marriage very early on...within weeks of us dating! Now of course, that is NEVER gonna happen!
Sep 14 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

And that's exactly what I

And that's exactly what I wondered about. Why 5.30am? Has he just got home from driving back from her place? Has he just left her place? (2.5 hours from where he lives, so maybe he left early in the morning to get to work in time - his work is also 2.5 hours from where she lives) Has she been staying with him this week and they just got back home from partying? Is he buying the tickets off a mate, or selling them to a mate? (hoping it was the latter because maybe he has broken up with her and doesn't want to take her after all?) Is he taking her to the game? Or is he going with the buddy he was texting? When are they going? Why is he exhausted? From partying with her or from work? What was so urgent that he needed to text his friend about it at 5.30am? And so on......
Sep 14 - 12PM (Reply to #6)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

Whoa. Mentioning marriage

Whoa. Mentioning marriage after a week? That's excessive, even for a narc!! I would totally have fallen for it though if mine had said that too. Now that I think of it, I met him online and my profile was very clear about the kind of guys I did NOT want to meet (liars, timewasters, assclowns etc) so he would have known I was vulnerable towards relationships from the get-go....that I had been let down numerous times before (basically for the last 10 years - not by narcs, just by idiots who didn't know what the hell they wanted) and that I would just completely fall for someone who seemed 100% committed....