How to avoid feeling bad for them?

When I wished the ex-Psych professor and his fiancee happiness, the ex-P played the "hurt" card. He claimed I was the one violating and imposing on him... when in fact he was the one who had done it to ME! By the time he pulled the "hurt" card, I didn't care if I was hurting him. He wallowed in self-pity, and I watched with a conceited grin on my face. Here was the man who had emotionally abused me, tried to break me, wanted me to misbehave, who treated me like dirt, violated me emotionally, and the more he claimed I was "hurting" him the more unrelenting I got. I felt ZERO guilt for hurting him. NOTHING. If wishing him happiness causes him immense pain and deals irreparable narcissistic injuries, then BRING IT ON!!! I was disgusted when he played the "hurt" card. He had hurt my REAL feelings, and by then I didn't care if he hurt. I honestly didn't care. If he had said "Stop hurting me",I would've kept doing it.

The ex-Psych professor's father is FAMOUS. I've heard him on the radio. He's written textbooks, a book on organic gardening, been interviewed on NPR/Discover magazine.... and his son is NOTHING like him. The ex-P's father is genuinely loved by his students (current and former) On the other hand, the ex-P isn't even on Rate My Professor. He hasn't written books,he's definitely NOT famous. It's like his own behavior has destroyed his chance of getting him the fame he craves. Self-sabotage. The ex-P was once very handsome 14 years ago, tanned and slim. By my senior year, he had a double chin and had gotten fatter. The ex-P used to wallow in self-pity about not being respected by his colleagues, about not being smart, about being not that good a teacher.... all came from self-sabotage. He once said, "I drive people away." Okay. Brief glimmer of self-awareness.

That's what I was always conscious of: the waste, first of all--and then the fact that he didn't even know it. The fact that his life living the job that was given to him (which he didn't even like) and partying every night, and having no interests, hobbies, loves, passions or anything else--was a waste. I often got depressed when we'd go to see his older brother and his girlfriend. They had met a few years ago and fallen in love. Now the brother is an ass, but a regular ass---not a P and S or an N, I don't think--and though there is much to be desired, the two of them bought a house together, which they lovingly rehabbed and furnished with stuff they had collected from their travels together. On the weekends, they play golf and have a ritual brunch, just the two of them, and they take trips several times a year to see her family in Minnesota. My exN is about a billion times smarter, funnier, more entertaining, delightful, charismatic and attractive than his brother, and I always thought, Dammit, why can't he be with me how his brother is with his girlfriend? Noncommittal and selfish, but at least WITH her and with a desire to spend time with her and LIVE with her, interested in things. I vividly remember the final time we were there. It was on Easter. I had to beg for two hours for the narc to take us, and it was a mistake. He ignored my daughters and me the whole time. I remember standing in the doorway, getting ready to leave to go home (alone, of course, as we had come in separate cars, of course), and it was pouring rain outside. I looked back into the house from the doorway (I think I knew it was over and I wouldn't be back), and saw all the beautiful beams they had used for the ceiling, which they found in an old house in Iowa, the floor, which was made from the walls of an old barn in Illinois they had bought and salvaged, the old cemetery fence that divided the dining room and living room, which she had rescued from her hometown when they moved the old burial ground. I looked around at all the antiques from Provence and Tuscany, the remains of the huge dinner the two of them had cooked, happily, for their guests. I looked to the table and saw the brother and the girlfriend playing chess and kissing. And then I looked at the narc, and he was sitting in a chair, looking away, with the child in his lap, kissing him and beaming at him, totally oblivious to everything, especially us leaving. I remember thinking, everyone here is exactly where they want to be, except me. And we left. I used to say to him, "Why don't you go back into private practice since you miss it so much?" He'd say, "Why bother?" I'd ask, "Do you want to take a trip somewhere?" and he'd say, "Maybe someday." I'd say, "Why don't you have some people over and we'll make dinner for them?" And he'd say, "What for?"

No. He would not. How is he incapable of having his own child? He's had a whole life to be normal, married, have children... He does not want a child, he wants a child OBJECT. He bought a child, a child that conveniently has NO MOTHER to get in the way of his objectification. Helldweller, I will be glad when you get far enough along in therapy to STOP focusing on HIM and start focusing on YOU. This man has not done one single thing to attract or earn your love except build a big house, that he won't even let you in. Why don't you start thinking about how freaking wonderful YOUR life would be if you would stop thinking about this slimy creep that you think you love so much?? What do you love? Seriously? What do you love about this man? Why do you feel sorry for him? And the question I have for every woman on this board is: WHY DOES FEELING SORRY FOR HIM MAKE YOU ATTRACTED TO HIM? When you were little did you imagine growing up and falling in love with some guy you felt SORRY for? Volunteer at a dog shelter and feel sorry for homeless pets, but get away from these worthless people!!!!!!!

You are stable and familiar 'supply' to him, and he doesn't want to lose his reliable source of supply in case things don't pan out with his other 'suppliers'...so to speak. Also, these guys really hate to be alone! It was hard for me to 'get this' concept of supply too. But now I can understand better why these guys do what they do. When I have left mine, he gets 'crazy' with panic! He goes out on the hunt for my replacement almost immediately...while at the same time he is crying, calling me constantly, doing the 'hearts and flowers', acting like he wants to die without me, gets 'sick', starts stalking me (which is hella scary!)...and manipulating me every which way to Sunday!...trying to get me back 'home'. They try to 'guilt' you to feel bad for THEM!...and trust me!...he is most likely really playing it up to others for their sympathy too...you can almost predict that the basic scenario he is going to play out is how 'hurt & destroyed HE is over this divorce'...and how it is YOUR idea...and look everyone at 'poor him'...how he doesn't deserve this...tried everything...yadayadaydada. These guys will do this 'heart's & flowers'...'I can't live without you Baby', etc....while at the same time they will be lying, cheating...go out clubbing and sleeping with everything in a skirt that's willing... These guys are SNAKES... Don't let him fool you! Write down all the things he has done that brought you to this time of separation and divorce... They always pretend to be 'Prince Charming' and a 'really great guy'...but you would not be divorcing him if he really was those things!... Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate!

I used the reverse of the golden rule... does he treat me how I want to be treated? Do I feel sorry for him? Hmm.. does he ever feel sorry for me? Do I feel bad about his pain? Hmm.. does he feel bad about my pain? I heard that his dad died and I had been NC for not long at all, and I thought, oh, should I go ahead and reach out to him since his dad died, out of compassion? Hmm... would he reach out to me if he heard my dad died? (the answer is no, but even if he did, it would be to get supply for himself!) The person who told me said she was afraid to even let me know because she was afraid I would contact him. I said, if the situation were reversed would he contact me? She said, no! And I said, well there's my answer. Should I feel compassion toward him? Hmm.. does he feel compassion toward me? I have zero compassion for a person that set out to lie to me, use me, and toss me aside. I don't CARE why he's the way he is. I have compassion for victims. I have none for perpetrators.