23 days NC but 4 feet away from him
23 days NC but 4 feet away from him
Dear Members,
I wanted to share what is going on. first reason is that i want to share what i have been reflecting and second to get your opinions and encouragement.
I moved away from his place 3 months back. The first month was awful. I was going crazy. Literally going crazy. I have never behaved like that before. The withdrawal from the N drug was immense on me. The next month I learnt NPD. I started reading and could make some sense to my brain. But I went back to him every 2 weeks to ask him the "why" questions. He asked me to leave. I felt very insulted. The last time when I met him he said that he had asked out the girl at work and felt devastated as I see them both everyday and I work with them. There were other incidents like this before and i don't want to go into details now. I just want to say I was in the lowest point in my life and I was not able to help myself.
Its been 23 days. I have not talked with him. i had to work with him once and hence talked only work related. He asked me to join him or he wanted to join me for lunch or dinner. I refused. Now I am able to step back and reflect all these days. I could see how he used me...how I let myself be used or why I let myself to be used. I trusted and loved him from the bottom of my heart and had no where else to go apart from him. Hence...i was broken.
I am able to see that he will NEVER miss me. He will never have any place in his life for me and also I dont want to be with him either. I could see how the drug worked on me. Although i am away from him if i have the smell of him near me or if i smell anything close to reminding him anywhere, I get a bit out of control. I dont see him in the eyes. Even if I see him in the eyes i just be indifferent.
NC has helped me. Helped me to see. Helped me to have time to break the pattern of confusion and the begging that I had to do with him. The last day I was literally on my knees with him...asking him...."why did you do this to me"....he was cold as a stone. Although I realize that he does not feel anything...it was not healthy for me. I could have hurt me much more worse.
NC was very very difficult to go.
I substituted him with books, new people i meet and reading great posts from here.
I am able to appreciate the stillness of life when i sit quietly by the lake and reflect.
I can also see that how i can easily fall down again if i give into one of his little invitations....and go crazy all over.
I feel better....ok....i cant say better....i am just able to think again...for now.
I dont know what the future holds for me....i dont know if i will fall down again.....but today i stand at 23 days NC and yet able to site 4 feet away from him (and the OW of his interest).
I feel alone most of the times but i also can feel the worse things i will be going through if i am with him.
Thanks everyone for writing to me earlier. I will always be grateful for your time that you have spent on me.
Moonshine
almostlydia
Thanks almostlydia
moonshine
thanks faithinthefuture
Your story is a wonderful
thank you briseis