Why We're Here

I just want to reiterate that venting, obsessing, over-analyzing and discussing your narcissist with others who understand it is a CRITICAL step in the process of recovery. We view it as the 1st step "Get it Out" and it is the initial reason why I created this board. The 2nd step is to "Understand It" and that is the other primary purpose of this board.

The fact that you are here talking about it means you are no longer lying to yourself about your relationship. That is HUGE! I lied to myself for years about my marriage. I didn't want to believe Prince Charming was not who I thought he was at all. Who wants to admit that to themselves! I know I didn't!

To be here acknowledging the fact that the man you fell head over heels with is a fraud is HUGE! Bravo for taking such a big step! I believe the first step can often be the hardest. Everyone will move through this step in their own due time. No one should rush another to move through it. Suggestions and gentle prodding may be offered, but no one should be made to feel badly for venting or obsessing. It is all part of the process and needs to occur before moving on to the next step.

As I mentioned yesterday, we are finalizing the Six Steps to Getting Over a Narcissist and will make these available to you as soon as possible. I'm hoping to finish writing the e-book/workbook in the next month or two.

There have been several suggestions to make this forum private, which we are looking into doing. What we share with each other in these first two stages is so very personal and private that it makes sense to secure this forum if that's what members prefer.

When we publish the 6 Steps, we will launch a new site called: www.allaboutrecoverynetwork.com.

The new site will have an open forum. One for women, one for men and one general discussion board. The new website will focus on the process of relationship recovery in general so those of you who have moved past Step 1 and Step 2, can spend more time on the new site if you prefer.

However, please know that we desperately need veterans to remain here and contribute their insight and advice to newcomers. Your experience is vital to helping people new to the process of getting over a narcissist. We hope those of you who enjoy helping others will stay and continue to offer your wisdom to those just starting to understand what happened to them. This site will not change with the exception of possibly going private based on feedback we receive from all of you as to what you prefer.

Thank you for being here for each other! No one understands better than we do what it's like to try to love a narcissist and the pain of realizing he was a fraud. I hope we can continue to support one another regardless of what stage of recovery we're in. xoxo

Sep 12 - 11PM
mayitajbean
mayitajbean's picture

my story

I can't believe I have been out for almost 10 months! My time with a Narc has been a humbling in many ways. I never thought I would stay with someone who lied, cheated and created such chaos in my life. I came to a point in my life where I felt paralyzed. I said it was over so many times he no longer believed the words, and as I said them, neither did I. I started to think there was something really wrong with me that I couldn't seem to leave. My friends were gone, my health was suffering, my job was encouraging me to take a leave of absense, my home would then be in jeopardy with no one paying the mortgage. I felt as though I aged ten years in three. When I had met this man, my home was filled with friends, laughter, music and basically good energy. Within two years, my roomates had moved out, friends stopped coming by, work was a struggle. How did it happen? I don't think I could explain it to anyone. If I did try to explain to friends they thought I was insane for staying. When I wrote a letter outlining why it was over, I was not prepared for the fight of my life. The things this man then admitted to doing to me and had done while we were together was horrific. He admitted to targeting me, wanting to destroy my life, his exact words were " I wanted you in the mental hospital, I wanted you to lose your home, your friends, your job. I wanted you to lose everything". I actually recorded our phone conversation which I think was my saving grace, as it was hard to re-write the words as I had done many times before. I have listened to the recording a few times since, and it makes sense now, after learning about Narcissism. At the time, I just thought he was insane and maybe I had gone a bit crazy too! I can't remember how I found this site, but it saved me, truly. I don't say that lightly. When I read the stories and listened to the podcast, it was like someone else had stepped into my life and explained the hell I had been living. Last Christmas, I found this site, and I am truly thankful. That was my Christmas, this site and Lisa E. Scott's words. It was the first time in three years that I realized I wasn't crazy. It wasn't me and I couldn't fix it. I am so thankful to Lisa and to all the women who have shared their stories so that others know they are not alone. My narc's sister finally confessed three months later that her brother had been taken to the psychiatrist many times in his childhood and youth. He was given a diagnosis of dual personality and a few other disorders, before he entered the Colombian Navy! She admitted he had been discharged from the Navy after 8 years and the reasons were confidential but the family had suspicians that it was due to his erratic behavior. She admitted all the women before me had gone "crazy" and the family was starting to wonder why every women he dated was "crazy, jeolous, drama seeking". They were starting to think that it wasn't the women that might be crazy after all. She spent four hours telling me things I needed to hear, things that I already knew but needed someone else to confirm. I had lived in this hell that I couldn't describe and I never thought the first person to really listen would be his sister. He had created so much chaos that we were not on the best terms. She told me that even though he was her brother, sisterhood was stronger, that she would always love him as he was family, but women should stick together and no women should suffer at the hands of a man, even if it was her brother. She told me, get out! I know that the next girlfriend will suffer the same fate as you, but you need to leave. She gave me the history that shed some light on the craziness that had become my life. I promised her that I would never go back and that I felt this relationship was like heart heroin and I would call her in four months when I had detoxed! I truly felt like I was addicted to something that was killing me. That is was no different than a drug that was going to destroy me. She told me she had faith in me and that I could do it. It has been through the support of women that I made it out. I look back and realize that I am lucky. Narcissism paired with Colombian navy training! I now understand why I felt under siege! I feel myself back in my body. I never took a leave from work, I still have my home, some friends have returned and new ones have entered. I am back on the dance floor and I feel alive again. I never did thank his sister for finally stepping forward and saying " you are not crazy, this is who he is" and telling me the things I needed to know in order to leave". Maybe one day, I will find a way of letting her know. In the meantime, I will keep doing my work and sharing whatever I can with others, so that no sister suffers. Sisterhood. Yes. It is powerful. I
Sep 12 - 11PM
mayitajbean
mayitajbean's picture

my story

I can't believe I have been out for almost 10 months! My time with a Narc has been a humbling in many ways. I never thought I would stay with someone who lied, cheated and created such chaos in my life. I came to a point in my life where I felt paralyzed. I said it was over so many times he no longer believed the words, and as I said them, neither did I. I started to think there was something really wrong with me that I couldn't seem to leave. My friends were gone, my health was suffering, my job was encouraging me to take a leave of absense, my home would then be in jeopardy with no one paying the mortgage. I felt as though I aged ten years in three. When I had met this man, my home was filled with friends, laughter, music and basically good energy. Within two years, my roomates had moved out, friends stopped coming by, work was a struggle. How did it happen? I don't think I could explain it to anyone. If I did try to explain to friends they thought I was insane for staying. When I wrote a letter outlining why it was over, I was not prepared for the fight of my life. The things this man then admitted to doing to me and had done while we were together was horrific. He admitted to targeting me, wanting to destroy my life, his exact words were " I wanted you in the mental hospital, I wanted you to lose your home, your friends, your job. I wanted you to lose everything". I actually recorded our phone conversation which I think was my saving grace, as it was hard to re-write the words as I had done many times before. I have listened to the recording a few times since, and it makes sense now, after learning about Narcissism. At the time, I just thought he was insane and maybe I had gone a bit crazy too! I can't remember how I found this site, but it saved me, truly. I don't say that lightly. When I read the stories and listened to the podcast, it was like someone else had stepped into my life and explained the hell I had been living. Last Christmas, I found this site, and I am truly thankful. That was my Christmas, this site and Lisa E. Scott's words. It was the first time in three years that I realized I wasn't crazy. It wasn't me and I couldn't fix it. I am so thankful to Lisa and to all the women who have shared their stories so that others know they are not alone. My narc's sister finally confessed three months later that her brother had been taken to the psychiatrist many times in his childhood and youth. He was given a diagnosis of dual personality and a few other disorders, before he entered the Colombian Navy! She admitted he had been discharged from the Navy after 8 years and the reasons were confidential but the family had suspicians that it was due to his erratic behavior. She admitted all the women before me had gone "crazy" and the family was starting to wonder why every women he dated was "crazy, jeolous, drama seeking". They were starting to think that it wasn't the women that might be crazy after all. She spent four hours telling me things I needed to hear, things that I already knew but needed someone else to confirm. I had lived in this hell that I couldn't describe and I never thought the first person to really listen would be his sister. He had created so much chaos that we were not on the best terms. She told me that even though he was her brother, sisterhood was stronger, that she would always love him as he was family, but women should stick together and no women should suffer at the hands of a man, even if it was her brother. She told me, get out! I know that the next girlfriend will suffer the same fate as you, but you need to leave. She gave me the history that shed some light on the craziness that had become my life. I promised her that I would never go back and that I felt this relationship was like heart heroin and I would call her in four months when I had detoxed! I truly felt like I was addicted to something that was killing me. That is was no different than a drug that was going to destroy me. She told me she had faith in me and that I could do it. It has been through the support of women that I made it out. I look back and realize that I am lucky. Narcissism paired with Colombian navy training! I now understand why I felt under siege! I feel myself back in my body. I never took a leave from work, I still have my home, some friends have returned and new ones have entered. I am back on the dance floor and I feel alive again. I never did thank his sister for finally stepping forward and saying " you are not crazy, this is who he is" and telling me the things I needed to know in order to leave". Maybe one day, I will find a way of letting her know. In the meantime, I will keep doing my work and sharing whatever I can with others, so that no sister suffers. Sisterhood. Yes. It is powerful. I
Sep 8 - 11PM
lisalisa47
lisalisa47's picture

great job!

Awesome work Lisa! I don't know WHAT i would have done without you guys and this site. I think it's a great idea to go private for several reasons: 1. we do share our personal and revealing stories with each other 2. and, to my knowledge narcs can still operate computers, know how to spell and use search engines too. This last thing any of us want is repercussions from an angry narc who FINALLY saw himself through the eyes of someone else and didn't like it, and wants retribution. 3. Plus some of us here have ex narcs who are caught up in legal situations, and who knows if anything any of us say, even though we don't mention names, could bring down more stress upon us or our loved ones. Just my thoughts:) Lisa Marie

LML

Sep 9 - 12AM (Reply to #7)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Privacy issues

Definitely agree on the importance of privacy/security. That's why I'm using a pseudonym. One of the ex-Psych professor's former male followers moved to the Pacific Northwest, changed his name and doesn't even do philosophy. Supposedly he, unlike the ex-P's female students, was getting a taste of the ex-P's deep philosophical insights. I found it bizarre--here was a former classmate, who made a drastic move (like I did),and changed his name. And here I thought the ex-P only hated women. Point #2 is incredibly IMPORTANT. I wasn't in a life threatening situation, but a lot of the people on here have. Some posters here use their own personal pictures for their profile pics. It's a matter of safety.
Sep 8 - 7PM
Sherbear
Sherbear's picture

:o) So exciting!

I can't wait to see the new site! Congrats on what you are doing, it has been life changing for me here! Thanks guys!!
Sep 8 - 9AM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

We are very excited about

We are very excited about the six steps and this new recovery network site. This board has become a lifeline to many and it is our hopes that allaboutrecoverynetwork.com will have as much of an impact for our members. There will be a lot of new features on the site that i believe many will be happy to see. We will have the means to broaden our topics to all personality disorders and general discussions on recovery from a past relationship. It will be educational portal for us with many great resources along with a new forum. We hope all of you will be joining us on our launch. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Sep 8 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Status of this board

Congratulations on the upcoming Recovery Network! You're doing a great job bringing awareness. This place has been one of healing and education. What will be the status of this board? Will it still be around? Thanks!
Sep 8 - 8AM
Used
Used's picture

lisa e scott

i know[repeating myself] without this board i would not have got out and stayed out, without this board i would have still thought i was the unstable one, without this board, i would have still blamed my self. so what more can i add. oh yes i know, LUV YA LOTSxxxx
Sep 8 - 8AM
Klarity Belle
Klarity Belle's picture

Congratulations Lisa

On moving forward with your work to bring npd awareness and recovery steps to even greater numbers. This kind of recovery support is invaluable to victims of narcissistic abuse. Healing from this is possible but we have to make it happen ourselves by taking the right steps. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

Sep 8 - 1AM
iAmMINE
iAmMINE's picture

sweet...

sweet sweet heaven on earth... thank you for all u have been thru and all u r doing 2 help :) ~~~~~ “The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don’t give them,” --she said, (taken from my final remarks in a Sync Weekly Magazine article about my art and mySelf :)

~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~

~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them.