him vs. you

You don't have to get so angry at me. Just talk to me. I'm on your team.

The "relationship" (snort) with my Narc always felt like a frickin' peace negotiation. We waged war with one another. I would try to get away from him. I would change my mind and we would come back together, me crossing into enemy territory. He'd fire his cannon at me. I'd shoot my arrows at him. We'd reconcile, do more negotiating. He'd blast my castle off its foundation. They say, 'All is fair in love and war,' don't they? A romantic relationship should feel like going to war!!! I like to think in giving up and going NC with my Narc, I lost the battle but won the war!!

Oh -- he loved to say we were partners, soulmates, blah, blah, blah! Called the phone service "ours" -- even though it was just HIS PHONE that I have been paying for! Well, today, I find out that the phone (in MY name!) is disconnected because he didn't return a $400 defective phone that he had replaced back on 6/1! Another provider has turned off his house & business phone & internet so I have no way to reach him other than a letter. (He recently moved about 500 miles away) I AM JUST FURIOUS!! I can't believe that I lent him money as recently as last Saturday. I am feeling so STUPID and used!! I'm kicking this assho** off of my "team"

No, like the others have already said, the narcissism prevents "real" relationship with others. It is like a mental illness in that way. Narcs (and other personality disordered folks) do not see other people as separate individuals in their own right. They see other people as extensions of themselves. It really is an extremely sick kind of thing. They see you (and everyone) as existing soley to do what they want. Therefore, there is no "teamwork". That would mean he'd have to acknowledge you are his equal. In a narc's mind, everyone else is someone to dominate and keep control of. They are constantly, CONSTANTLY terrified of other people taking them over. Their true self esteem is so low it is beyond our imagining. All of their behavior is about keeping control, so as you have seen, a relationship with them is a competitive relationship, not a cooperative one. I had this too, with my exNarc. And I used to notice it, and it would puzzle and frustrate me to no end! I was totally willing to be his partner, to give and take. But this was beyond his comprehension. The stupidest things became competitions. It's how Narcs see their world.

They have no skill set to be able to understand how to act as a unit or partnership. They live in a superficial existence. They live in a world all to their own. It is a fearful world of rejection and lost supply. This is why they will not commit emotionally to another human. They do have some conscious level of understanding their patterns and behaviors and know that the possibility for them to have anything lasting in a relationship is slim to none. Their pattern of loosing interest in their partner is a big trait that they themselves do see. They develop a book of excuses as to why they do this but in the end it is always the other persons fault not theirs for their failed relations. They are in constant search for their perceived mr/miss Right. No one will ever measure up to the standards set for a Narc. It is impossible b/c these standards change daily. They want a partner but not an equal partner. If you are going to run a long course with a narc you have all the quality's that he is seeking that will put him in a place of superiority. When he no longer sees value in you to better his future existence, you are thrown out like yesterdays newspaper. Example: If he feels that today he needs to better his finances; you need to have money. If today he feels he needs a kink in the bedroom; you better be ready to rock his world. If today he feels he needs to be worshiped; you better bow at his feet as he comes through the door. So in reality he is not looking for a partner but a doormat with benefits. If you mess this up even once he will never forget it. He will begin to start the process of converting his once positive thoughts about you to negative thoughts of worthlessness. Where you once were the prized treasure, you are now the condemned. You can never co-exist in a true equal partnership or friendship with a Narcissist. It is just impossible. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

It seems like this is a common thread. Mine wanted a partner, but has/had no idea what being a partner is to someone else. He convinced me to quit my job, then started to pressure me to get a new job within a week. He was extremely competitive with me. I told him that I did not feel like we were growing closer together, but rather farther apart - to which he sat in silence. I always told him that it felt like the relationship was on his terms, and I ALWAYS had a pit in my stomach when around him. Hindsight is definitely 20/20! Never again...

I think all these posts on this subject raise such valid points, with my ExN it always felt like me vs. you, never a true partnership, as I had in my first marriage where i always felt it was like us vs. the world! The only time it felt like we were a couple was when we were going to buy a house together, which we almost did on several different occasions, but the only reason it felt like that was because it was MY money, the bulk of it going into the house and he seemed very keen on having a lot of power over my money instead of us jointly deciding like a couple how best to b uy a house. He got so mad at me once because I did not want to do a bridge loan at the time until his place sold and it felt like he and the realtor were taking sides together instead of him siding with me and respecting my feelings, any take on all this?

I was just thinking this! It wasn't outwardly so but just beneath the surface. I always felt there was an undertone of competition especially when I was doing well at work.

mine wanted me to go to school full time, make all his meals run all of his errands and work for free at his office put up with emotional torment and then get called lazy and told to get a job. mine wanted a little girl to 'daddy', then he started throwing that partner shit around i didn't know how to act. i felt like he wanted me to mommy him while he lusted after little girls or something. i couldn't really be either.

Sorry, I had to post again on this. This is really the core of it. I truly think that when they say "partner" they mean someone that is in it for the fight, that will endure and spur on the drama, that will keep it cooking forever. He actually told me about many other women who "couldn't handle it"--the woman who left him after throwing his dinner in the garbage when he came over ten hours late for her birthday dinner, the woman who left him after he went out of town on their anniversary without calling to cancel their plans, the woman who left him after he sat out in the car for six hours with a guy friend while she waited inside her apartment for their visit. I truly, truly, truly felt that this was what he needed from me: someone who could be counted on to totally freak out at his atrocious behavior (preferably with police involved)--but who would stay.. THAT is what "partner" means to them.

Teri, This was the essence of the insanity. I cannot put my finger on the kind of relationship it was, but this is the closest it comes: me vs. him. I sometimes thought of it as Holmes Vs. Moriarty or that sort of thing: two great minds challenging each other constantly, trying to kill each other, but sort of congratulating and respecting the other when the other's superior intellect or cunning won out--but then being spurred on to greater resolve to kill. It was so not a romantic relationship, so not a friendship, though he said, too, that he wanted "a partner"--the only thing he ever admitted to wanting. I think he wanted a partner in crime, a Bonnie to his Clyde, someone who would go down with him. And Jesus, we went down, down, down together. I think he would have been happiest to have gone over a cliff with me.

One of my friends would often ask me that. I always held out that hope that the ex-Psych professor would see me-and treat me-as an equal. There were times when I thought he did. After the D&D, I told him I had ALWAYS seen him as a friend, and he thought that was incredibly degrading. Yeah, how dare you tell GOD he's just a fallible human being! After the D&D, I was talking to him calmly, coolly, and he said,"Sometimes a teacher/student relationship ALWAYS stays a teacher/student relationship, and sometimes teachers and students become friends." It was as if I had been frozen in carbonite, doomed to ALWAYS be his student, never to be a friend. Of course, he dangled a future friendship in front of me. I had been pigeonholed into a role. I wanted change;he wanted stasis because he could NOT change. Usually, romantic rejection involved closure... and the ex-P couldn't even give that. Not at all. Made high school look nicer in comparison(!)

talk about an 'aha' moment!! that 'partner' shit is exactly what mine said over and over!!! as i was reading it i was self blaming, thinking about how i did that, then i saw that and it was like a SIGN from GOD!!!