Ok, I can't find your story....can you tell us a bit about yourself.... not sure how to piece it together from the threads....but our situations sound very, very similar.. ..
Here is the short version -- not ready to write it all out yet.
Married 26+ years. Non-N. We are more like "roommates" - no communication, love, emotions. Mainly raised my 3 kids on my own and the youngest is leaving in a few weeks. The have no emotional connection to their father, either. But, I will say he is a good provider and I always know what to expect from him.
May 2009 -- I meet the N/P(?). He made every one of my senses "tingle" We talked and talked, for hours and hours and hours. He says we are soul mates. More intimate than lovers, he says. We share things with each other that no one else knows. I start to totally depend on him and the attention and he is remembering everything I say so that he can throw it back in my face! I start to see rage. I first found narcissism when I was looking up bi-polar disorder. He could change from nice to raging in seconds. He has definite anger issues - ex has a restraining order against him.
He starts asking for money for this and that -- every time, it is an "emergency" and I have lent him more money than I even want to admit. He has me brainwashed or something. It is his voice! More than once, I could feel it coming on (like a spell) and I had to get off the phone to break free.
I am 50 yrs. old and have known many people over the years -- but no one who has ever affected me like him. He is BAD for me and I know it -- but I just can't convince my heart. I have stopped initiating any contact and only reply now with quick answers. I know what I have to do, but it is hard!!!
That is exactly what he threatened to do in a rage! That is the part I haven't been able to write about yet.
But . . . this is what I THOUGHT was an emotional affair --a physical "affair" that hasn't really happened yet! We've kissed/hugged a little and that's about it physically. He's full of ideas of what we are going to do when I am single.
He texted me a few weeks ago (so I have it in writing) that if I didn't lend him some money, he was going to tell my husband that we have been "f**cking" (his choice of words) for 1.5 years and that I am into orgies, etc. I freaked! I was physically sick. I lent him the money under the condition that he stop the threats and that we part ways peacefully. What did he do? He acted like the whole thing never happened (delusional) and in a week or so called to chat, etc. My husband would FLIP out if he knew all of the money that I have lent him - REALLY flip! Most of it was my money, but not all of it.
I don't want to make him mad, so I answer his texts with quick answers and haven't picked up a call in over a week. I am the ONLY person who knows where he is living now -- and there are a LOT of people who would be interested in that information...so I don't think he wants that information to get out. He says he "thinks like an investigator" and keeps everything private.
Go NC immediately. They are mad so there is no danger of making him mad. Go NC and see if he doesn't go away. Sounds like he has more to fear than you do. I had a very big friend tell me that the only message some people get is a broken kneecap. Sounds like you need a friend like that. Sorry, I just found that I came to like the idea more and more.
You are being blackmailed for something you didn't even do. Perhaps you should take the high road and tell your husband the truth. There was nothing physical, you did little more than many of us do because there is a void in our marriage somewhere that allows these things to happen. I fear if you don't fess up, you will be looking over your shoulder for a very long time. But perhaps if you do and have a sensible husband, he will see that things need attention. Life is not black and white, shit happens because....
It sounds as tho you got caught up in the passion. I know this one except unlike you I did leave the husband and spend most of ten yrs paying for that.
This could possibly be a turning point for your marriage that must be lacking something very important to allow the charm and attention of another man.
Good luck to you. It sounds like you made a very human mistake and are now paying thru the teeth for it when you needn't be. With a normal man you wouldn't be going thru this at all for such a trivial emotional flirting with nothing beyond. But you had the misfortune of a low life con man.
almostlydia
Your story is exactly as mine,and when i left he told me if he had wanted he could have got everythingg i own and had me killed miself.....then he told me to go jump in front of a train,and half hour later he called me back i didn.t answer so he called my sister in Brazil and told her i was about to commit suicide....he didn,t tell her who he was,she called me in panic....i live in Holland,he in Tulsa and she in Rio Brasil.....They are sick and cruel....
this sounds like my situation so much.... 24 year marriage that has ALWAYS felt like roommates - although he is a good roommate and there are ZERO mind games.
except I was very close to N for 22 years before I started seeing the crazy behavior... which is when we started getting VERY close and were together 8 hours/day. I also looked up bipolar, manic, commitmentphobe, all kinds of things - cause I've never experienced this before. " Dr. Jekyl, Mr. Hyde" is what led me to this site and I think he is N/P. No one has ever effected me like him either. I feel lightening go through my body whenver I see him or talk to him (his voice sets me off too - just like you) and thats been going on for 23 years... Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure that at least a dozen other women feel the same way.... ughhhh...
Don't forget that you were "very close" to the N for 20 years... long distance. Which made virtually all of your relationship by phone or email, which made it easy peasy for him to entirely control it and your frame of reference of him. It didn't take so awfully long to find out what he was really like once you were in physical proximity, and most importantly, you could witness him in everyday situations with other people. And that's when things started not adding up.
(In all the research I've done about the N/P issue, the intense excitement with this person is a common factor, and of course, a victim thinks it "means" something, namely love and connection and The One thing... but sadly it doesn't mean that. THAT kind of crazy chemistry is a warning sign.)
With your N, loml, I am sometimes reminded of what single moms complain about dealing with "weekend dads" who always get to be the fun guy, the fun one, who just takes the kids to do fun stuff and be their buddy, etc... while she is the one who has to do all the tough stuff and make them do their homework and clean their room, etc, and is the one who has to be "the bad guy" and so on. He was Mr Perfect and soooo understanding, and fun fun fun... because he was just like a weekend dad. You never had to deal with stuff like who's going to take out the trash, or him keeping the remote control and watching stupid crap on tv. The knight in shining armor is all about the talk, and nothing about the walk.
My ex-Psych professor had a long-distance relationship with his curator girlfriend in Los Angeles;he NEVER told me about her, and I didn't know she existed... till I met her. Whatever Grand Plans he had got sabotaged, because he went dashing down the stairs, with her catching up. He was in the Southwest, she was in LA. It makes sense, in retrospect, there was this distance before they actually moved in together. They did marry and have kids.
The girlfriend never got to see how his fellow professors shunned him (on account of his bad treatment of me,and being a psychopath), or that his students hated him. She didn't see that, and I pitied her. She never saw him bully me to the point of tears, or how he bullied me after my grandfather died. Unless she's narcissistic herself.
Of course, my ex-P preferred distanced relationships... he could control things. He controlled the way I talked to him on the phone. I couldn't end the call, I couldn't say "have a nice day",and he never called me back.
Hi ladies - count me into this group of ladies married for a long time (12 years in my case) to guys who are good men but completely unemotional and therefore not the complete package we desire. I know now that I was a game - I was targeted. Another wise lady on this site, Better Off, told me about the book The Art of Seduction and I've done research on line on sites like Men's Health (ha!) that specifically tell guys how to seduce a married woman. Very much fits the pattern of what the P/N did to me. I was the perfect victim as have you all been.
Bi-polar - check
Control-Freak - check
Commitment-Phobic - check
Narcissist - check
Addict - check
and, sadly of all, Psychopath - check
We had no chance against these professional hunters ladies. Now, if we could only figure out in our hearts, as well as our heads, what this game was all about and that we don't want to play anymore, we'd be all set.
Yes,similar situations but you have been close to your N for MUCH longer.
My N/P has anger issues and I saw red flags (which I ignored) within the first month. I once said something like -- You have like 7 personalities and I never know who I am going to find. He got FURIOUS -- I guess I hit a nerve!
His life is always one emergency after another. And when I am busy and can't listen to his woes over and over or I don't lend him money -- the raging starts. About a month ago we were supposed to get dinner and go to the beach, but he canceled because I couldn't go the the ATM to get cash since I had already withdrawn my daily limit -- for my son's apartment and NOT for him!
Here is the short version --
Be Careful
Agnesmurphy17
Go NC immediately. They are
almostlydia
hi jewwell
Aceonelady
wow
Don't forget that you were
Long distance relationships
Similarities
Red flags