Clueless Until Now's Story

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#1 Aug 19 - 4PM
cluelessuntilnow
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Clueless Until Now's Story

First off thank you for providing a place to share our stories. Very few people know mine and it has been a somewhat fearful and yet freeing process writing and sharing mine.

We met a couple of months before my wedding to someone else. My relationship was already on the rocks though I was too young and too inexperienced to realize I should probably not be getting married. My xN and I worked together and one night we ended up at his house at an after party. He was sweet, quiet and attentive and the chemistry was undeniable.He asked me to stay the night. I finally could not resist his charms and I did. The next two months was spent with him wooing me, adoring me, loving me, and trying to get me to call off my wedding. I fell in love with him. Right before the wedding I broke it off with him because I had only known him a short time and told him I was committed to getting married. On my wedding day he called me several times, begging me not to go through with it.

Then right after the wedding I had a very bad incident with my new husband and I realized I should not have gotten married (for many reasons not related to my XN). I called my XN and said I knew I had made a mistake and I was coming back to him. We started seeing each other immediately again and he asked me to move back to the town we had lived in to be with him. I said I needed a couple weeks to get some money together and deal with what would now be a divorce. We continued to see each other and make plans for our future, moving, etc.. all the while he was supportive of me and very loving though there were a few signs that looking back I should have heeded (pouting, brooding, silent treatment, and angry tantrums) .And then it happened-I got pregnant. The moment I told him he became cold as ice. He said “it’s not mine, you need to deal with it, I can’t deal with this and by the way I am going to start seeing someone and you know her”. He went from “let’s get married and I want you to be the mother of my children” to completely D&D and seeing someone else.

And then the hell began. Over the next three years it was a lonely, devastating journey: having the baby ( calling to tell him and him not caring his child had been born), paternity tests (the baby of course was his), my very messy divorce, losing all my friends, ending up taking welfare assistance ( I was working two jobs and still could not make it), his complete abandonment and ostracizing of myself and our child, the utter devastation of the loss of him, my life, my reputation, etc.. . I was young, scared, alone, and heartbroken. And through it all (during my pregnancy on) he would still call me and try to see me to have sex or at least have phone sex with him. At one point he was sneaking out of the house he shared with his soon to be wife, to call me to see if I would have phone sex with him all the while wanting nothing to do with our child. Our child did not exist in his mind and only recently has he told people he has child with me. Secrecy is his M.O. So devoid of conscience, the day he told me I would only ever see the requisite child support check and he would never participate in any way with our child, he tried to have sex with me in his car to finish off the deal. This happened weeks before his wedding to his current wife. I almost did not survive the chaos and heartbreak. Some mornings the only reason I got out of bed was that I knew my child needed me and had already been abandoned by one parent. I had to love our child for both of us.

I finally met someone wonderful when my child was a toddler and we got married and he adopted my child. XN was more than happy to not have the obligation of child support and happily gave his child up. And I moved on and never even spoke his name. We have built a good and happy life. And for 15 years not a word from him, when one Monday morning (it’s always Monday mornings!) I received e-mails from him asking if I was surprised to hear from him and saying he wanted to ask me a question about our child. It felt like I had been struck by lighting and Pandora’s box flew open at the same moment. I had forgotten so much and the sound of his voice triggered a tidal wave of feelings I had forgotten and didn’t know I even had. I wonder now if I had episodic amnesia because my wiping out of him from my memory had been so complete.

So, let’s just say that I have heard it all in the past 18 months; how he hates me and will never apologize in this lifetime, how much he wanted to go to a hotel with me, asking if I would I join him on his business trip (he's married), how he is 100 percent in love with his wife, how it was all my fault he left, how sorry he was for everything, how our child is not really his child (wtf? wishing does not make it so), how he hates everything about my life ( where I live, my career, the food I eat, my politics, my car), how he hates his life (full of “burdens” i.e. wife, kids, financially), to how I did an amazing job raising our child, how much he wants to sleep with me, how I piss him off completely, texting me drunk in the middle of the night (reminder I am married), saying things like “you would have divorced me”, “talk dirty to me”, “I am sorry for the pain I have caused”, all the while d&d-ing off and on while we are trying to figure out how to deal with him reappearing in our child’s life. Every time things go well, he does something completely mean and/or disappears.

He describes himself as a shallow, ruthless, soulless SOB. His life has all the trappings of the image conscious N ( executive job, big house, luxury cars, toys, vacation homes, etc…). He is very concerned with his physical appearance around me. He mocks me as idealistic and caring and asked me when I was going to grow up and realize everyone is out for themselves. At most he has gone 3 weeks NC but he always breaks it. His wife threw him out of the house this year for getting “busted” for texting his close friend’s wife (of course she took him right back). He said he was texting the OW because dealing with ME had been so stressful and she was a good listener. Of course it was all “innocent”. And to top it all off he is a self-professed alcoholic.

Hmmm… did I miss anything. I guess the last thing I could say is that it completely has turned me inside out and upside down since he came back. I have cried several rivers, been completely stressed, felt like I had a ton of bricks on my chest ( for months it literally felt like I could not breathe) and am so shocked that after all these years his presence in my life could do this to me. He pulls me in with moments of reason and clarity and projects a cooperative and conciliatory attitude, then freaks out, acts like he is 5, is awful and banishes me. I actually used the word “banished” for the first time ever because it perfectly describes his actions. I have felt utterly and completely blindsided and wondered what in God’s name motivated him after 15 years to call and then behave like this??? Until I Googled “men with no conscience” and discovered narcissism I thought I was losing my mind. I have resisted believing that he is a N because I have always held out hope that he would change and that it was all just a youthful mistake. I held out hope for our child so he could have some resolution. And even though it seems pretty obvious that he is a N, I keep thinking could I be reading this wrong?

In closing one of his favorite things to say to me when I express the devastation he left in his wake by his choices (abandoning his child, me, etc…) he says “ it’s not like you were in the gutter all this time. I don’t know what your issue is.”

Sep 6 - 12PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

he does not exist

You need to disappear, he paid no child support. He can only come back if you let him. change your email dont answer it. change your numbers, do everything you can to convince yourself he doesnt exsist. focus on the man who was actually a father to your child. move home f you have to, and let the man youre with now know how dangerous he is. Dont play with fire. Be strong.
Sep 11 - 11AM (Reply to #20)
cluelessuntilnow
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fooled no longer

Thanks for your comments. I have been NC for over 2 weeks and feeling better. This board has helped a ton and just having knowledge has empowered me. I had no idea I was playing with fire initially.I thought he came back to make amends and try to right some wrongs. Unfortunately that is not the case. I will say comments like yours and others on my story have given me clarity. Until I posted my story in a cohesive manner I thought "is it me?" I now can see that the drama is created by him, his actions, his behavior. I still have moments where I waver and then I realize all the crazy making has been instigated by him. My life for 15 years was calm and peaceful. The only crappy part is that I have had to do this twice.
Aug 28 - 9PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

would love to speak with you....

so many similarities. I have read your story twice now. I get teary because it so familiar to me. All these years later and like it or not we still love them. It really is so sad. When I tell you my whole story you will see what I mean. Hope the other ladies here realize its never truly over. Yes they come back even 15 years later. I am 42. Do you mind if I ask how old are you?
Aug 29 - 5PM (Reply to #18)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

cluelessuntilnow

Just want to let you know I will be changing my username. I did ask Betty in an email for your contact info. Hope that was ok? I really havent been able to get your story off of my mind.
Aug 28 - 9PM (Reply to #17)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Please have betty send me

Please have betty send me your email or your phone number. I can always email you to let you know when im gonna call. My God this site has been answered prayer for me.
Aug 28 - 9PM (Reply to #16)
cluelessuntilnow
cluelessuntilnow's picture

It gave me the chills

that we are exactly the same age. Caveat to all those who think that they will not come back, they do. They do.
Aug 28 - 9PM (Reply to #15)
cluelessuntilnow
cluelessuntilnow's picture

nls

I am 42
Aug 25 - 4PM
Chloe
Chloe's picture

Take another look!

And ask yourself, why on earth do you want a slimeball like that? Have you gone for help? Journal, read all you can about narcissistic personality disorder: somatic vs. cerebral. Take another long look at the man who saved your life, and thank God everyday for someone who really loves you for you and loves your daughter like his own.
Aug 20 - 8AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

CluelessUntilNow

Your story hit home with me, too. Unbelieveable. Mine wanted the baby, too, and then told me I was lying about it and left me to go to Vegas while I was miscarrying it. He had adopted a foster child earlier, without talking to me about it, who he totally showers with affection and showy love, while he turned his back on my little girls and me, who felt he was the father and husband of our family. This was after we were together two years and preparing to get engaged. I do think from some of your story that he is bipolar (my ex-husband, not the narc, would do that flip flopping thing all the time, blaming me for the divorce and telling me it was all his fault in the same sentenct, etc etc). You cannot talk to this person. He is unstable and, I'm sure, dangerous. My bipolar ex husband ended up committing arson during a drinking binge after our separation. There really is no telling what he'll do. Get a restraining order if you can do it. I'm so sorry you are going through this again.
Aug 20 - 2PM (Reply to #12)
cluelessuntilnow
cluelessuntilnow's picture

helldweller

Why are all these stories so familiar. I am sorry that happened to you and to your girls. The night I gave birth to our child he was partying with friends 1/2 hour away, at a college graduation party. I am giving birth and he is drinking bud light. He now has two more children and still is turning his back on our child even though our child is why his supposedly came back after all these years. Go figure. Fortunately he D&D'd again. Maybe this time it will be for good. I don't know though, given his pattern I wonder.
Aug 20 - 1AM
tica
tica's picture

Cluelessnomore

your story hit home to me..i just awoke from one of those "crazy dreams" where the narc is calling me and i see his name on my phone, the anxiety attack begins, i ignore the call, the girl who is with me in the dream (don't know her) tells me that the narc and i were good for one another..i awake thinking about this..then i READ your story..i am so happy for you that you have a beautiful child and a loving husband, i like to look at the "blessings" as for the narc..NC! why are you speaking with him again? Why is he emailing your child? Especially if they are hurtful emails...don't give him any ATTENTION...he sucks, and always will..thank GOD for all your blessings and that he was lokking out for you when he brought you your child and husband..D&D this narc completely out of your mind and life..they are "patient preditors" sick and twisted..don't allow him back in...be happy and healthy it is your best revenge. peace and light~
Aug 19 - 5PM
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Wow

What an unbelievable mindfu**! My mouth is open right now.... The whirlwind of behavior that you describe with him sounds all too familiar. When my N has done these whirlwind, wild behaviors....I find myself asking whoever happens to be with me at the time "do you think he is bipolar"? It is exhausting dealing with this type of behavior! Good for you in raising your child and finding someone who adopted your child. 15 years is quite an accomplishment. Don't let this asshole mess with your mind (while I sit here crying about mine!) xoxxo Anyway, in your case, this sounds like restraining order material. He will provide no positive influence in your life and he gave up his rights to his child!
Aug 19 - 6PM (Reply to #9)
cluelessuntilnow
cluelessuntilnow's picture

Reply to Wow Comment

Thanks for commenting. I realize that feedback is helpful for me right now. As for bi-polar I am not sure.Alcoholic, definitely yes. He has wild swings in his moods and we can be fine one moment talking about something reasonable and I can wake up the next day with the nastiest e-mail ever where he has done a 180 degree turn. My sister finally said don't get on his roller coaster. Her other favorite is "isn't this the 100th time he is NEVER speaking to you again?" At least it makes me laugh. I am married to a very good man who only enjoys drama when we go to the theater. ;-) I know about the crying. Truly I do, because honestly there was a time I thought he was the one.I was going to marry him. I have raised his beautiful amazing child without him and it hard having him mess with my heart and mind again. And especially after so long. My heart is with you and trust me ( whomever he is) he doesn't deserve you.
Aug 19 - 5PM
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Holy Cow, Clueless,

That really is bizarre, even for a Narc. This just means he truly has been stewing over you even though he pretended to not care even about his own child. (shaking my head). If he is doing that to you 15 years later, it makes me wonder if mine would ever try astunt like that. He doesnt have my number or anything, but its not like its hard info to find if he wanted to. Sorry, I know that was not helpful. Do you thinkyou could get some sort of order to cease and desist from harassing you, I might ask a lawyer about this psycho. And it was "a mistake of youth," on your part, from which you grew and moved on, but not so for a Narc, which he def is. For them its a f***cking lifestyle.
Aug 31 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

yes Shaynasmommy

they do mine did 15 years later. Its uncanny how similar my story is to clueslessuntilnow's. Yes they really do come back. Mine has shown up in my life since age 17 and Im 42 with gaps of many years in between.
Aug 19 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
cluelessuntilnow
cluelessuntilnow's picture

Reply to Holy Cow Comment

Thanks for taking the time to comment. It was hard for me to post my story and when I read your comment it lifted my heart because I have felt so very, very alone. I hate to say it but I put nothing past them now. When he found me he knew a lot about me. He had my work and personal e-mail (not too hard to find) but he definitely had done his homework (he knew quite a bit about me/us). I have let him have too much access to me because I thought I was dealing with someone with normal behavior patterns and was trying to deal with him and our child, but now that I am figuring him out that will end. Last week he D&D'd again telling me we just needed to part ways and not talk, because I called him out on a crappy heartless e-mail he sent our child. So who knows what is next. Yes, this happened just last week, two days before I found this site. Yes it has always disturbed me how much he is fixated on me and how little he acknowledges his child. It is completely bizarre.
Sep 22 - 11AM (Reply to #5)
STSwiss
STSwiss's picture

don't let him back in

....if you give him no 'supply' and pay him no attention....he will have nothing to be gained from pursuing you! It's worrying that he's been keeping tabs on you. Go to the authorities. Make sure your husband is fully aware of NPD and the repercussions his reappearance could bring. You HAVE to fight this. If you starve him, he WILL go away. Please stay strong! Web Of Lies - My Life with a Narcissist An honest and emotional account of life with a pathological partner. http://singlemumsal.blogspot.com/ http://www.sarahtateauthor.com/
Sep 22 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
cluelessuntilnow
cluelessuntilnow's picture

STSwiss

Thanks for the advice. I let him in not knowing what I was really dealing with. Knowing nothing of NPD. Thinking I was dealing with someone normal. It is so hard for me sometimes to accept that he is who he is. He has such a normal demeanor when he needs to. Even now sometimes I think "could I be wrong?" and then I read the comments on my story and reread my story and think holy cow, he is downright soulless. Not just a bad boy, but seriously messed up. I have updated my husband on what I have learned about NPD. My husband asked me two questions early on when he first came back 1) did you think he had changed? 2) do we need to worry that he might be dangerous. Now I look at those questions differently.
Aug 19 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
apple
apple's picture

I am so sorry for you...

You got over him before and you CAN do it again!!!!!! Think about how hard you worked and how much you suffered those fifteen plus years ago for you and your child!! You are a very strong person and when you had no one and nothing you did what you had to do and built a wonderful life for yourself!! That takes a lot of strength and courage. You should be proud!! It reminds me of a little section from one of my favorite poems that I read when I'm feeling down... It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children. Anyways, please be strong. Find your strength for you and your family!! HE IS TOXIC!!! xxA
Aug 25 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
cluelessuntilnow
cluelessuntilnow's picture

slimpickens

I meant to thank you earlier for reminding me of the poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. It made me cry and inspired me at the same time, so thank you. Things are hard right now and just knowing that others get it helps a lot. I thought he was gone forever so to have him back and having to go through this a second time is really challenging. Funny thing is that "strong" is one of the things he calls me. I think it is the trait he hates about me and in a strange way admires.