Gaslighting?

So gaslighting is done with intention to confuse you. I wonder though, if anyone else has felt that quite a bit appearing this way, is a weird confusion inside a narcissist's own mind. Meaning he truly does not recall whom he has told what, which half-truth or lie. I tested my ex bringing up the genuine version of what lie he'd a while ago told me, and he went with my version. So it is hard to say what is done intentionally or from their own confusion, isn't it? - Sorry if I've confused you, no gaslighting intended.

Oh, forgot: the day we last talked, a woman down our street parked her car in his garage. A lot of times people around here will rent out their garages and park on the street. So our neighbor pulls into his garage with her boyfriend, gets out and waves to me, and goes down the alley to her house. I said to the narc, "I can't believe in four years I never knew she parked in your garage." He always told me he parks on the street because "the garage is full of junk." Well, he totally denied that this woman parks in his garage. I said, "She just pulled in. She said hello to me." He absolutely denied it and said I was nuts. I actually started to think I was nuts. However, I said, why don't we go look? And he said, "Oh, honey, please." So then I knew he was lying.

When my P/N dumped me, of course I bawled my eyes out. He looked at me coldy and said, "I'm not a cryer". And then he proceeded to sob out of control for about 15 minutes to the point of having snot covering one whole side of his face. And to think, I thought I was the one who was crazy.

It's a standard trick that's great for destablizing a person. Gaslighting is an ongoing way of keeping the victim second-guessing her own reality--very necessary for the narc, who needs her to live in his own reality. Mine told me to buy him an engagement ring, then when I did he told me "We hardly know each other" and told me to throw it away. He told me he desperately wanted a baby with me, but when I got pregnant the first time, he literally ran away for several days. The second time, he just kept saying I wasn't pregnant at all and that I was kidding when I misscarried. He told my daughters and I that we were moving in the new house he was building. We picked out all the paint colors, all the fixtures, everything for "my" kitchen and "our" bedroom--and then he moved in himself secretly while were were gone. When I almost died of shock, he denied ever having talked about living there together, even though his "office" (which was supposed to be my daughter's room) is pink. When he took in his foster child, I stayed with him because he said we would raise and adopt him together. After he got him, he shut me out of his life and claimed he never said that and that "you have your hands full, honey, why would I impose another child on you?" as if it had nothing to do with me, as if we'd never talked about it, as if it wasn't A CONDITION OF THE CUSTODY. As if we hadn't already been together for a year, as if this was his own private business. You get to the point where you don't know what is real anymore. You get to the point, also, where you find yourself having him restate things he says over and over to make sure you aren't imagining them. You also get to the point, like with mine, that if they have a "charmed circle" you really think you are losing your mind, because they all back up the n's crazy claims and denials. For example, when I found out he had gone to visit another woman for a week in California and had taken our child with him, I went to his house and screamed at him. Then I was no longer invited over "because my family doesn't want a crazy person here. You are totally over reacting" I actually began to wonder, "AM I over reacting to my boyfriend's adultery?" Seriously. I actually questioned myself.

Gaslighting is typical tactic to make you crazy. They say something and one minute after that they claim to never have said anything like that. "you have projected that" "It was just playing" "Don#t put too much significance in it" "Nevermind" - after telling me two "friends" asked him to have threesome, I started crying, and he said: "I thought it might turn you on - nevermind". "I want to have a baby with you" - "I never said that" "I love you" - "I never say I love you" (one second after).... "You are crazy", "You are mental". It is all part of the crazy making. They do that cause they are driven by the fear of shame. I had a narc I once was pregnant of 10 years ago, he said if I don't have an abortion he'll leave me. 10 years after he contacted me again, I talked about the baby, he couldn't "remember", he said "are you kidding me? Which baby? Which abortion? You are making that story up, don't you". There I knew how deep this disorder goes, they can delete complete parts of their life, if it doesn't fit with their idea of their false self.

Gaslighting is typical tactic to make you crazy. They something and one minute after that they claim to never have said anything like that. "you have projected that" "It was just playing" "Don#t put too much significance in it" "Nevermind" - after telling me two "friends" asked him to have threesome, I started crying, and he said: "I thought it might turn you on - nevermind". "I want to have a baby with you" - "I never said that" "I love you" - "I never say I love you" (one second after).... "You are crazy", "You are mental". It is all part of the crazy making. They do that cause they are driven by the fear of shame. I had a narc I once was pregnant of 10 years ago, he said if I don't have an abortion he'll leave me. 10 years after he contacted me again, I talked about the baby, he couldn't "remember", he said "are you kidding me? Which baby? Which abortion? You are ineventing that story, don't you". There I knew how deep this disorder goes, they can delete complete parts of their life, if it doesn't fit with their idea of their fals self.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse or brainwashing where one individual attempts to get another individual to believe she is "crazy". This is most often done through the denial of facts, events, or what one did or did not say. The gaslighter might also directly or indirectly imply that the individual is defective, crazy, or suffers from a mental illness. So if your partner told you things and then denies then, this is exactly what is going on. I think this is one of the most horrible things to go through, we all have instincts...and we know in our gut we are right, but we somehow get silenced into thinking we are crazy. My N loved this form of abuse. Denying the things he said and even did, to the point I saw him get out of a car with his friends, and he convinced me I was crazy and hallucinating...guess what it was him all along. They screw with your head until you cannot trust your self

I never knew about the term "gaslighting" either until I started reading about narcissism personality disorder. But my ex N did it all the time too. He was very coy about it but he was more in reverse. He would say that he said things that I knew he didn't say. Then his response would be "see, you never listen to me." He would also say horrible things and when I'd repeat them to him later he would say, "you are taking it out of context" like putting those mean things "in context" would make them OK. Terri

I do believe in everything I have read about Gaslighting, it is a state confusion of words and thoughts that make you crazy. They make you in a state of confusion all the time. My exN would do this all time. I thought I was going insane. Really... He would say things and would confuse the heck out of me. One minute he said something mean and nasty, the next he said he didn't say it or he was just joking.. He also played mind games and was very immature. He was either hot or cold. There was never a middle with him. Made me think I was crazy. My counselor, this site and much education made me realize what he was doing. The more you educate yourself, the more you will see through their games...