Please help:)

Hi all.

I posted in a previous thread about a fight I had with 2 good friends the other day during drinks together:(

We met yesterday, and another friend - who was one of my big supporters- was the mediator.

I just need to vent what happened and ask for some insight.....sorry this is long! lol

First off, I had plans with another friend before I was informed that my other friends wanted to meet up and talk about our fight. I asked if we could meet at 530 so I'd still have an hour or so and could keep my other plans. I was told that it had to be no later than 5pm. So I cancelled with my one friend, which was fine, this was more important.

But then, no one showed up at my place for the meeting until 530 anyways!

The three of them walk in together, late, and I was annoyed. I said so, in a nice way. The mediator friend spoke to me in a very condescending tone saying "are you serious" "this is the tone you want to set?" and asked the others if they still even wanted to do this. I explained I just felt disrespected....anyways, another friend immediately said she was glad I wanted to meet and thought it was important and she did still want to discuss things and sorry they were late.

So, I will try and make this short.

I apologized for saying things about my friends fiancee that were harsh. I said that I do believe her relationship is unhealthy and potentially abusive (based on things she has told me) and that my concerns were only for her well being and given that I have been in 2 unhealthy/abusive relationships, I felt I needed to say something. I admitted I approached it wrong and sincerely apologized for that. Long and short of it....it was resolved.

Next subject was how I told them that I did feel unsupported and judged by them during the immediate aftermath of my breakup. I was told again last night that they thought I was not being healthy with things I was doing ie) reading about narcissim - they said was "obsessive", and joining support groups online etc. and talking about things over and over. I said well, my psychologist with a PhD adviced me to do those things and said my reactions to the relationship I was in was NORMAL....so who are you guys to judge me. If you haven't been through it and don't understand that's one thing, but don't tell me how I am handling things isn't normal then.

The real pisser here is that the "mediator" who "supported" me previously told me herself that my other friends weren't supportive, that it was ok EVERYTHING I WAS DOING. Do you think she once chimed in and defended me or had my back. Not once. But she had NO problem telling the other 2 that they didn't need to defend themselves with anything.

Next issue, again sorry guys if you're still with me.....

The night of the fight I had 3 drinks, and was definately feeling it. When the fight happened I left and they were following me around the parking lot. I just wanted to be left alone and nothing they could say was calming me down, i wanted to be alone. I understand now they just didn't want to leave me and make sure I was safe. I eventually hopped in a cab alone, texted them I was safe when I got home.

So because of that, my one friend said that maybe that is why my ex called the cops on me. She said there is 2 sides to every story and that maybe my therapists blamed him when there should be blame on me too. and that maybe I felt guilty because i did do something wrong. OK. This hit hard. It was not the same situation AT ALL. I was never drunk enough on any of these occassions that i don't remember the way it happened. I have never left anything out.
He was not trying to calm me down or resolve anything. He was flipped into a rage because I was CRYING over stuff he had done and I WAS TYING TO CALM HIM DOWN! he pushed me and called the cops. and the second time he did it was when I confronted him on thinking he was cheating and he wouldn't let me look at his phone. He called me f'in nuts, dumped me, and left me at my curb. I cried, I called him an SOB for treating me so badly and hit his chest. I got back in his car (which was dumb)crying, just wanting to talk about things, and he was pulling me out and then called the cops.

I have taken MORE than my share of blame for those incidents. I even thought I was the abuser for hitting his chest. I've come along way with therapy and with getting over feeling this was my fault. I have been honest with every detail of what happened and my therapist still says what he did was WRONG, not a normal response from him, and definately NOT how you treat a loved one.

Finally both friends said they believe me 100%. But again, I had to justify and explain everything. I am exhausted. My 2 friends and I felt resolved, hugged and sayed i luv you's.....and now the mediator is mad at me.

She is mad that I was upset at them being late.

So after a 3 and a half hour conversation that ended respectfully and on good terms....that's what she brings it back to.

I have had that girls back on soooo many occassions and she not once backed me up last night.

I had doubting feelings about her starting a few months ago....questioning her sincerity. She has lost many friends due to being "self involved" and I have helped her through...thinking she was just misunderstood.

Now, I think self involved fits better.

I guess I am just feeling like how do you stop feeling like you have to defend yourself.

I have come a long way and I know deep down what I went through and that I'm not crazy, why can't I just stop trying to gain the approval of my friends?

And was I perhaps wrong with being mad at the "mediator"?

Thanks so much for reading this long story:)
Feels better even writing it out:)
xoxo